Mind Deep

The Space Between

2012-01-23T15:46:00.000-08:00

While spinning, I am very aware of the times when things become unpleasant . . .

Another request from the instructor to turn the knob one more notch. Another long climb. Another song, not on my list of favorites. It does not take much for the mind to start its habitual number. "Oh, no, this is tough, I don't like it, I can't wait for more fun moments." Throat and stomach tighten, and off I am thinking about work awaiting at home, or the next trip to Paris, or last night's dream, etc. Anything but right now.

The teaching of dependent arising [. . .] shows us the cause and effect that exist within and outside of us. [. . .] Within that cycle there is one doorway through which we can step out, namely, the space between feeling and craving. All the other steps of dependent arising are automatic causes and effects. Unless we learn to live with unpleasant and pleasant feelings, without wanting to get rid of the one or keeping and renewing the other, we don't have access to that doorway - we continue to circle in samsara over and over again. Our training leads us to equanimity as the pinnacle of all emotions, so that our feelings no longer get the better of us. As long as we are victims of our feelings and our emotions, we are not really free.

~ Ayya Khema, in When the Iron Eagle Flies ~

"Getting ready to head back to the Y." Joel signals the sweet ending of his class. Mind sighs with relief, at the well earned pleasure of taking it easy after a hard class. Precarious happiness . . .

Each time, an opportunity to practice stepping out through the doorway, the space between feeling, whether pleasant or unpleasant, and craving or aversion.

Uppers and Downers for the Heart

2012-01-21T09:35:00.000-08:00

Twice lately, I came across stories that uplifted my heart.

The first one is about SOIL, a nonprofit organization led by a young Stanford grad, Sasha Kramer who is helping solve some of the most pressing problems facing the people of Haiti, with one simple initiative: compostable toilets.

The second one features Dan Sudran, the founder of the Mission Science Workshop in San Francisco. Moved by his love of science and the will to make a difference, Dan developed a grassroot science education organization now serving over 250 city children every week.

Each time, same expansion felt in the heart, and a great gladness that steadies me in my resolution to continue with my own work.

Uppers for the heart, I call them.

The heart, such a fragile organ . . . It does not take much for the tide to turn either way, up or down.

Down my heart goes whenever I let mind linger into stories that do me no good.

Several times during the day, I catch myself thinking of a man whose repeated misdeeds continue to run havoc in a community. Although I have removed myself from the situation, there are still ripples to be felt from that person's actions. And each time, the danger of heart contracting in anger and fear. The mind has this malicious tendency of wanting to linger in filth.

If not that man, another one also triggers me to go down a downward path despite all my good intentions. It does not take much. The mind grabs on to a few words, and off it goes. Once down, it takes a lot of mindfulness and will power to extract oneself from the pit.

Up or down, which way do you want your heart to go?

Not Born Equals With Feelings

2012-01-16T09:01:00.000-08:00

What is the one thing:

that precipitates us

into reacting right away

rather than pause, and respond?

that makes it hard for us to sit

more than a few minutes

before leaving our seat?

that causes us to bypass the present

and escape instead, into the future

or memories from the past?

that drives us to anesthetize ourselves

into oblivion, with alcohol, pot,

shopping, work, sex . . . ?

that puts us at odds

with the person closest to us,

i.e. ourselves?

That one thing is our difficulty in tolerating feelings, particularly difficult of painful ones. We are naturally wired to shy away from physical and emotional pain. And we are addicted to pleasure.

We are all born with different levels of feelings tolerance. Some of us rush to pain pills, others are more able to stay with unpleasantness of all sorts. I am somewhat in the middle.

Of course, feeling tolerance can be cultivated. One sitting at a time, we can practice meeting the inevitable suffering that is part of life. Each day a little more. Each second, acknowledging the pain and staying with it enough to witness our resistance to it, relaxing ever so slightly around the tightness . . . before we turn away, and distract ourselves.

Where do you stand on the feelings tolerance continuum?

Five Ways With Suffering

2012-01-09T04:00:00.000-08:00

Nobody likes suffering, and yet life is suffering. Knowing how one is with it is of the utmost importance. Ayya Khema - in Being Nobody, Going Nowhere - tells us there are five ways to be with what pains us. And only one makes sense.

Here are the five ways that we react to suffering:

The first and common way is to blame someone else. That's the easy way. Everybody plays that game and it's childish.

Yes, I do. And the dangerous thing is how convincing the mind can be at tricking one in thinking how right one is in that game. To guard myself, I have learned to wait a while before taking action based on any such type of thought.

The second way of reacting to pain and dissatisfaction is to become depressed and get bogged down by it, indulging in unhappiness.

Oh! the power of a dark mood . . . I go there quite often also, although less so than I used to. To get out of it, I know of no better remedy than to remind myself that something is amiss in the mind. 'Another self-created mind state to be dealt with, right there'. Feeling the sensations in each foot, each hand. Or resting the awareness in each breath. Or practicing loving kindness. Purifying the mind.

The third reaction is being sorry for oneself, having the idea that one has all the suffering in the world. Nobody else has anything comparable, which is obviously untrue. When one is feeling sorry for oneself, one also expects others to commiserate. It doesn't work. Nothing is learned. Nothing is gained. On the contrary, one becomes a burden to others.

Another miserable and familiar place. Comparing mind looks around and pretty soon, I find myself wishing I had a different life altogether. A different family. A different house. A different body. More of this, less of that . . . Anything but this moment, this place. Sure recipe for unhappiness. From there to whining, of course, only a short step that I have often quickly made. Many afternoon coffees, I have spent whining to my girlfriends, and listening to their complaints. Chatter, chatter . . .

Another way of reacting to suffering is to grit one's teeth, suppress emotions, and pretend it hasn't happened. That too doesn't work, because pretending never works.

So subtle, so devious, that one. And imbued with self-loaded pride. 'I have made peace', I tell myself. Sure, I miss her, but there is nothing I can do. She's got to do what she has to do. It would be wrong for me to cling. Of course, I have closed the door a bit too fast on bruised heart filled with grief. Layers need to be peeled, one by one.

There is a fifth method, and that is looking suffering squarely in the face and saying, "Aha. My old friend's here again. What am I supposed to learn this time?" That is right view. Then we have really understood why the human realm is the best realm for enlightenment. Suffering is our best teacher because it hangs on to us and keeps us in its grip until we have learned that particular lesson. Only then does suffering let go. If we haven't learned our lesson, we can be quite sure that the same lesson is going to come again, because life is nothing but an adult education class. If we don't pass the subjects, we just have to sit the examination again. Whatever lesson we have missed, we'll get it again. That's why we find ourselves reacting to similar situations in similar ways many times. However, a time does come when we notice this, and the right view arises, "I've got to do something about myself. I'm having the same problem over and over again."

Every moment, a teaching moment. Looked at from that perspective, life becomes less scary, and a lot more interesting. I just went through a long cycle of such 'going around again' and came really close to making another blunder. Only the awareness of the negative karmic results from my prior actions during the first time around, kept me safe. That's one more lesson learned.

Which are your ways with suffering?

Old Bags of Bones

2012-01-08T10:00:00.000-08:00

I laughed so hard reading Susannah Bianchi's article in the latest issue of More magazine. Susannah talks about what it's like to be a woman of a certain age. Here is a brief excerpt, just to give you a taste:

Just when I got my brows under control, my jaw began to sag. I was stunned. What about all those upward-facing dogs I do, or the series of facial exercises (which, I'll admit, look more like tics) I perform, without fail, every day on the bus? [ . . . ] I did what any other hysterical, hormonally challenged 50-year-old would do: I became possessed. I spent most of my time in front of the mirror on a reconnaissance mission, waiting for the other jaw to drop. Out of nowhere, I seemed to have little satchels under my eyes, and laugh lines when I wasn't laughing. Add these to the occasional hot flash and a vagina as dry as a bran muffin, and I'll show you a weepy woman up on a ledge. I thought of all the ways I could handle aging without actually going under the knife. I could become a recluse like Greta Garbo, buying my groceries at the all-night Food Emporium, or just pack up and move to Japan, where they respect the elderly. ~ 'How George Clooney Saved My Self-Esteem', More, January 2012 ~

You will need to read the whole piece to know how George saved Susannah . . .

I can relate to Susannah's moments in front of the mirror. Not that I spend too much time there. But, yes, I too have had my share of surprises this past year. A few months ago, my previously smooth chin started to show some uncharacteristic bumpiness. Worried about cancer, I rushed to the dermatologist and was told to not worry. "It is just part of aging. Your skin is sagging unevenly, that's what's creating the dimple in your chin". More recently, my left knee has been acting out. A scan revealed a torn meniscus, worn knee cap, and a bit of arthritis. Yes, there is no mistaking the downward slide taken by this body that I call 'mine'. This body is increasingly feeling like an old bag of bones in need of more and more maintenance.

Not a big deal really.

Of course, I have my practice to thank for this relative ease with what is objectively a rather unpleasant process. Without the understanding, and the acceptance of the true nature of this human life, and of impermanence, who knows how I would react?

How do you feel about aging?

It Was Fun, Sort Of

2012-01-06T07:56:00.000-08:00

It was fun.

Kailua, walking on the crescent beach every morning.
Waikiki, watching the splendid sunset every evening.
And all the times in between . . .
Red papaya sweetness, ocean breeze softness,
Rainbows here and there,
Nothing to do, only enjoy.

It was fun, and also hard.

Despite all my good intentions,
I was not able to keep up my practice.
One, two, three . . . five days went by
without the safety from sitting still,
every morning, as I usually do,
back home.

Sure I minded my steps,
and I got in touch with my heart,
often, many emotions I felt.
Grief out of the blue,
followed by contentment
love also, then fear, and restlessness.
The heart did not know which way to go.

Worst of all,
was the diffuse sense
of being estranged from a big chunk
of myself.
Of not really living
life as I should.

The Way Flowers Are

2011-12-30T18:10:00.000-08:00

Is this flower pretty?... Do you see the ugliness within this flower?... For how many days will it be pretty?... What will it be like from now on?... Why does it change so?... In three or four days you have to take it and throw it away, right? It loses all its beauty. People are attached to beauty, attached to goodness. If anything is good they just fall for it completely. The Buddha tells us to look at pretty things as just pretty, we shouldn’t become attached to them. If there is a pleasant feeling we shouldn’t fall for it. Goodness is not a sure thing, beauty is not a sure thing. Nothing is certain. There is nothing in this world that is a certainty. This is the truth. The things that aren’t true are the things that change, such as beauty. The only truth it has is in its constant changing. If we believe that things are beautiful, when their beauty fades our mind loses its beauty too. When things are no longer good our mind loses its goodness too. When they are destroyed or damaged we suffer because we have clung to them as being our own. The Buddha tells us to see that these things are simply constructs of nature. Beauty appears and in not many days it fades. To see this is to have wisdom.

Therefore we should see impermanence. If we think something is pretty we should tell ourselves it isn’t, if we think something is ugly we should tell ourselves it isn’t. Try to see things in this way, constantly reflect in this way. We will see the truth within untrue things, see the certainty within the things that are uncertain.

~ in The Four Noble Truths, from Living Dhamma, by Ajahn Chah ~

End of the Year Wisdom

2011-12-26T10:47:00.001-08:00

Left from my Catholic upbringing, the reminder every Christmas of the possibility lying dormant within each one of us, of giving birth to a new attitude. An improved version of ourselves, filled with good intentions and the will to cultivate even more mindfulness, loving kindness, and wisdom both within and with others.

As this year comes to an end, I am very grateful for the gift of practice that kept me safe from making hasty, and potentially very wrong decisions. I saw firsthand the blinding nature of anger wrongly placed onto another person, and the power of waiting, and not acting out on what seemed like a rightful thought at first. I look back on the past when mindfulness practice was not a part of my life, and when I fell prey to wrong convictions. I think of the time when I left my first husband, a good man, and caused havoc in my then young family. I am still paying the price. One cannot escape the law of karma. There is much wisdom and love to be extracted however from the resulting suffering.

The big lesson lies in not repeating prior mistakes. Been there, done that, I know better now . . .

The marriage relationship is wonderful that way, as it presents us with multiple opportunities for personal transformation. Found in the February 2012 issue of Psychology Today, a great article on 'Are You With the Right Mate?':

At some point in every relationship, it's natural to ask whether your partner is the right one for you. But if that's as far as you go, you're missing the opportunity of your life . . . "Rather than look at the other person, you need to look at yourself and ask, 'Why am I suddenly so unhappy and what do I need to do? We do not look to our partner to provide our happiness, and we don't blame them for our unhappiness. We take responsibility for the expectations that we carry , for our own negative emotional reactions, for our own insecurities, and for our own dark moods.". . . "A lot of the thinking about being married to the wrong mate is really a self-delusion." . . . "We're all difficult. Everyone who is married is a difficult spouse. We emphasize that our spouse is difficult and forget how we're difficult for them."

Likewise, children keep us honest with ourselves. Mine have been brutally forthright in their feedback, and it's been rough seeing myself in their mirror. I have failed them in big ways once, twice, three times, and their young hearts are not ready to forgive yet. If I am not careful, the mind could make matters even worse with unnecessary regrets and remorse, or anger at them. No, better take a stand, and practice love instead. Forgiving myself for my misdeeds, forgiving them for their harshness.

Coming to terms with one's imperfections. Thanking loved ones for the opportunity to polish away the impurities. Surrendering to the humbling ways of the heart.

How do you experience the family crucible? How do relationships contribute to your practice? How does your practice enhance your life at home?

'Tis the Time to Rejoice

2011-12-24T09:31:00.000-08:00

The time has come again to rejoice and be merry. Carolers are doing their rounds of nursing homes and other not so jolly places. Amazon is reporting a record year. The UPS man is working over time. And the mailman's bags are overflowing with Christmas cards. 'Tis the season . . .

And just now, sitting and taking time off from readying the house for tonight Christmas Eve's dinner, I found grief right in my core. That's the truth.

Holidays are funny that way. Collective expectations of Hallmark like happiness take one straight to the heart for a reality check. Mind has being doing its number on me for the past few weeks. Taking me back to times years ago, when the children were little, and our family was still whole. Wishing the present cracks were not so. Hoping for this holiday to be over, quick, so the heart does not have to ache so much.

Loving kindness practice can bring the same emotions. Nothing like being faced with the possibility of love, to become aware of its absence in one self.

Sitting, I could feel much aversion to the overall unpleasantness. An experience ripe for more insight and wisdom . . . First dealing with foolish thoughts, words popping in the head and that are mired in the hindrances of desire, ill will, and restlessness (my top three . . . ). Much to do with 'others'. If only they could be kinder, more patient, less angry . . . If only they got along . . . If only they did not live so far away, and could be here to celebrate with us, me . . . If only they were not sick and falling prey to old age . . . A bunch of garbage thoughts to be discarded, over and over again. I should know better than to dirty my house that way.

Very few people in this world have perfect situations. Everybody has something wrong in his or her life. Either the house is too small, or the salary is too low, or the relatives don't agree, or the street is too noisy, or the food is not good enough, or the education wasn't sufficient for the job one wants. There is always something wrong. Nobody has a perfect situation. Everybody tries to make it as nice for him - or herself as possible, which is all right. But if we do not take a stand now, and keep waiting for perfect situations, we will never change. We can't wait for perfect situations because they'll never happen. The perfect situation can only be created inside one's own heart and mind. There it is possible. ~ Ayya Khema, Being Nobody, Going Nowhere ~

'Tis the time to rejoice, indeed. 'Tis the time to rejoice, always. That's the truth.

My brother sent me this picture of him visiting my mother with his son:

How do you experience these holidays?

Sitting Right There

2011-12-19T08:18:00.000-08:00

This morning, sitting in my favorite red egg chair, tweeting, I heard the #wannasit call from @DavidMAshton and @New2Buddha. And I decided to join right there, on the spot. Not leaving my chair, not changing position, laptop still on my lap . . . I closed my eyes and discovered new sensations. New pain from curved spine kept still. Coldness, hard edges from the computer soon becoming part of the body. Mind had to be alert for the potential for extra aversion.

Realizing that not everyone has the luxury of optimal sitting conditions. The sick, the old, the dying are often stuck in less than comfortable positions. Slumped over in a wheelchair, or lying down crooked in a hospital bed, one has no other choice than to practice, right there.

Not being attached to one's idea of the perfect sitting posture. Practicing for the times when sitting up straight may no longer be an option.

The Reality of Bodily Suffering

2011-12-17T15:32:00.000-08:00

Spinning this morning, there was music, heard, and instructions, heard also, and heat, sensed, from body working hard, and aversion to the effort . . . Mixed in and not belonging to the class, some tightness inherited from a prior interaction. Mind has moved on, or at least thinks so. But the body can't let go so easily.

There is much research done on neuroplasticity, the ability of the human brain to change as a result of one's experience. While the mind-body connection is undeniable, and the mind can help loosen some of the tensions in the body, one is still left dealing with some reluctant spots.

The Buddha tells us to calm the bodily formations by turning our attention to the ins and outs of the breath, meanwhile relaxing the tensions. The question is how much of the bodily formations can be calmed, and how quickly? The more recent the formation, and the more superficial, of course, the easier it can be undone. Also, the more one practices mindfulness, the lesser the chance of new formations forming. Still, one is left with the old stuff, habitual patterns of reactivity in the body, and deeply held tensions from emotions tied to unconscious or repressed memories. Through practice, one can learn to sense the knots, and get in touch with the suffering attached. Wishing to rid oneself of the pain, or actively trying to explain it away as is done in some forms of therapy may do us more harm than good.

Sitting with a friend, she tells me she has this thing in her body. She points to her chest. She shows me a collage she did about herself. Many disconnected images, neatly cut out from magazines. She analyzes her work. "This represents me perfectly". I am left feeling cold. She is hoping for the day when will she will no longer have "this". "I will be free then." She dreams of being an artist.

We need to hear Ayya Khema:

Please be aware of the fact that this body does not have suffering, but that it is suffering. Only then can we begin to fathom the reality of human suffering. It is not that we have some discomfort sometimes, but that this body consists of suffering. It can't sit or lie still without becoming uncomfortable. Know the impermanence. Know the unsatisfactoriness, which is inherent in the human body. Know the fact that the feeling has arisen without your invitation. So why call it "mine"? ~ from Being Nobody, Going Nowhere ~

With this realization, comes a reconciliation with oneself, wounds and all, and the wholehearted desire to not add more suffering to what is already there. More fuel for mindfulness practice . . . and compassion for others.

Minding the Blind Spots

2011-12-13T01:00:00.000-08:00

A meditator friend of mine tells me of her divorce from her then husband years ago. "He was part of my sangha. He was such a narcissist. One day I realized I was angry all the time. That's when I decided to split. I have never regretted it."

A well-known dharma teacher displays surprising unskillfulness during a critical life event.

A man who speaks at length about mindfulness throughout many communities, is everything but mindful and kind in his dealings with his co-workers.

Two men and a woman, each wrongfully convinced of their own wisdom. Each one with a shadow looming large behind their back, and clearly visible by everyone but them. Each using mindfulness as a shiny front for a not so pretty truth. Sitting on the cushion every day, even for long periods of time, is no guarantee of evolved consciousness. That much, I know.

Last night's dreams shed light on my own shadow. Parts of myself that I too easily project on to those who are closest to me, and now thrown back at me. I am not as loving as I would like to think. I've got work to do . . .

How big is your shadow? What parts of your personality are not obvious to you? Would you like to ask your honest friends? Your mate? Your children?

'The experience of the self* is alway a defeat for the ego.' ~ C.G. Jung

* Jung's notion of the self is very different from one referred to in Buddhist view of not-self. Rather it refers to the experience of a higher state of consciousness not bound by limitations of the small 'I', the ego.

The Direct Connection Between Mindfulness Practice and Beneficial Changes in the Brain

2011-12-12T09:54:00.000-08:00

From the lab of Harvard researcher, Sara Lazar, comes the most conclusive study to date, linking mindfulness practice with sustained beneficial changes in areas of the brain associated with learning, memory, self-awareness, compassion, introspection, and stress response.

As reported earlier this year in the Harvard Gazette:

Participating in an eight-week mindfulness meditation program appears to make measurable changes in brain regions associated with memory, sense of self, empathy, and stress. In a study that will appear in the Jan. 30 issue of Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging, a team led by Harvard-affiliated researchers at Massachusetts General Hospital (MGH) reported the results of their study, the first to document meditation-produced changes over time in the brain’s gray matter.

“Although the practice of meditation is associated with a sense of peacefulness and physical relaxation, practitioners have long claimed that meditation also provides cognitive and psychological benefits that persist throughout the day,” says study senior author Sara Lazar of the MGHPsychiatric Neuroimaging Research Program and a Harvard Medical Schoolinstructor in psychology. “This study demonstrates that changes in brain structure may underlie some of these reported improvements and that people are not just feeling better because they are spending time relaxing.”

Previous studies from Lazar’s group and others found structural differences between the brains of experienced meditation practitioners and individuals with no history of meditation, observing thickening of the cerebral cortex in areas associated with attention and emotional integration. But those investigations could not document that those differences were actually produced by meditation.

For the current study, magnetic resonance (MR) images were taken of the brain structure of 16 study participants two weeks before and after they took part in the eight-week Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) Program at the University of Massachusetts Center for Mindfulness. In addition to weekly meetings that included practice of mindfulness meditation — which focuses on nonjudgmental awareness of sensations, feelings, and state of mind — participants received audio recordings for guided meditation practice and were asked to keep track of how much time they practiced each day. A set of MR brain images was also taken of a control group of nonmeditators over a similar time interval.

Meditation group participants reported spending an average of 27 minutes each day practicing mindfulness exercises, and their responses to a mindfulness questionnaire indicated significant improvements compared with pre-participation responses. The analysis of MR images, which focused on areas where meditation-associated differences were seen in earlier studies, found increased gray-matter density in the hippocampus, known to be important for learning and memory, and in structures associated with self-awareness, compassion, and introspection.

Participant-reported reductions in stress also were correlated with decreased gray-matter density in the amygdala, which is known to play an important role in anxiety and stress. Although no change was seen in a self-awareness-associated structure called the insula, which had been identified in earlier studies, the authors suggest that longer-term meditation practice might be needed to produce changes in that area. None of these changes were seen in the control group, indicating that they had not resulted merely from the passage of time.

This study is scientifically proving what all meditators know from experience, i.e. the long lasting effect of meditation not just during formal mindfulness practice, but more importantly, afterward, throughout the day.

Another good reason to start each day with a 30 minute sitting!

Taking a Break

2011-12-09T08:48:00.000-08:00

Today is the first day in a very long time, that is not filled with back to back meetings. I awoke this morning, with no emails to answer to. And my to-do-list did not include any close deadlines. Stressed mind, stressed body were overdue for a break.

I will take the time to sit for forty five minutes. I will make it to my favorite spin class at 12.30. I will slow down and not rush. I will single task. I will resist the temptation to schedule more appointments, or make up new activities. I will pay attention to my steps. I will taste the food that I eat.

Today, I am giving myself the greatest gift. Creating the conditions to practice mindfulness. For a whole day.

And I feel immense gratitude for the privilege of being able to control my own work schedule.

Notes From Facebook Compassion Research Day

2011-12-07T09:58:00.000-08:00

Here are my raw notes from day spent at Facebook, focusing on fascinating presentation from Dacher Keltner, researcher and evolutionary psychologist from UC Berkeley, Greater Good Science Center.

Sympathy Breakthroughs:

Jonathan Glover, Humanity
75% of soldiers refuse to shoot at enemy

Principles of the spread of compassion:

emergence of care-giving system
reliable identification
contagious compassion
it pays to be good
from gene to meme

Signals of compassion:

a reliable signal of compassion: it's not in the face
the vocal register of compassion: amusement, awe, compassion, enthusiasm, interest communicated through voice

Self-less genes

Viral goodness: the spread of compassion

neonate distress cries
emotional, physiological convergence in friends
compassion inspires elevation
generosity spreads through networks (Fowler & Cristakis)
altruism increased in altruistic clusters
collective joys

Tactile contact: the first language of compassion

human skin is largest organ that gathers all kind of social information
touch: rewards, builds trust, signals safety, soothes
UC Berkeley study on emotion and touch: correct label, were able to identify emotion that was intended through touch
coding touch
women misread men's compassion signals through touch
men miss women's anger signals through touch

Vagal superstars:

richer friendship networks
more sympathetitc prosocial children
trusted more in interactions with strangers

Compassion deficits in US children: empathy has dropped, narcissism has risen

Making compassion a meme, a sticky idea:

oliners and rescuers
reading compassionate words like "hug" makes people more altruistic, less prejudiced toward outgroups

Competitive compassion:

compassion as a basis of status
reputation

Awe and the sacred:

transcendent experiences of beauty give people a sense of common humanity
experiences of awe trigger activation in the vagus nerve
experiences of awe trigger altruism, compassion

A compassionate, cooperative future:

Pinker and the rise of cooperation, compassion
Wright and the rise of nonzero relations
cooperation fares better than competition
the wisdom of the tit-for-tat (Axelrod, 1984): cooperates, forgives, not envious, strong

(I especially resonated with the parts about touch and voice. In my work with the dying and persons with dementia, I have found both touch and voice to be the primary channels for relatedness and also vehicles for expression of compassion.)

More Good Stuff

2011-12-06T07:22:00.000-08:00

Many seeds, planted over the year,
and diligently fertilized with lots of work.
Have brought many fruit, ripe for the picking,
and much pleasure to be had.
Something else being born also,
that's not so pleasant.
The pain of grasping, for more good stuff.
Sitting, walking, driving, lying down, I can feel
the burning from holding too tight.
Mind is on a roll and cannot easily let go.
Hardly a part of the body left untouched
by the gluttony of the hungry ghost.
Feet and hands offer a bit of rest
Breath too close to fire in the belly,
for comfort. There is only one thing to do,
to convince the mind, and the flesh.
Sensing, seeing the misery up close,
and slowly, relaxing the tight grip.

Extreme Loving Kindness Practice

2011-12-04T10:26:00.000-08:00

There is a reason why loving kindness of one's enemies is left for last by all who teach loving kindness. It is easy to love dear ones, or the sick, or the old, or the dying, or the generic all encompassing 'all beings'. It is another matter to practice loving kindness towards a person who has done you wrong, one for whom feelings of anger and spite are still brewing within the heart.

Lately my mind has been populated with thoughts about one who has hurt me and many others. I have watched the many movies in my mind about him, and things he has done, and the wrong acts I imagine him perpetuating still. I do not like those movies. I want to change the channel, and I realize that besides sitting and waiting for the thoughts to dissolve under the laser beam of mindfulness, I ought to make use of another more active practice. I call it extreme loving kindness practice. A blend of good intentions, mindfulness, concentration, and investigation.

Sitting, I give the mind a chance to watch the mind unleashed, and its effects on my whole being. I get to see anger, outrage, and fantasies of revenge do their work. Breath squished, stomach knotting, throat and neck tensing, temperature rising . . . and an overall unpleasantness. All brought upon myself. This does not make sense, and I love myself too much to keep it going. Mind gets tired of the same old, bad story. From there, it becomes easy to entertain a new train of thoughts. "May you be at peace, may you be at ease. May you be well, may you be happy." I see my 'friend' and I feel great compassion for his unconsciousness, and I sincerely wish him to become free from his own private hell. Meanwhile, body (my own) starts relaxing, and the mind also. And the energy previously tied up in anger gets freed up for all the good work I need to do.

Extreme loving kindness, such a practical and beautiful practice.

Living on the Edge

2011-12-02T05:00:00.000-08:00

Every moment,
living on the edge
between the misplaced hope
for a pleasing life always,
and the very real possibility of hell,
just like that.

Techtonic shifts,
the earth's does not care
about 'me'.
One day, old age and death
shall come and do their job
When, how, there is
no knowing.

As much as 'I' recoil
at the idea of pain,
there is no protection
to be had.
Each day, plenty of reminders
that fate's got no feelings.

Many brothers and sisters
bleeding, everywhere I turn
I see the anguish in their eyes
and I hear their silent screams
Gone over the edge,
they have, with not a chance
of returning.

I am learning my lesson:
no point in getting carried away
thank you very much
for every sweet moment,
with a grain of salt
'cause that's life.

Two Out of Five Stars

2011-12-01T12:07:00.000-08:00

I tend to visit more plush communities. Yesterday was my first time visiting a nursing home for the poor with dementia. I had been forewarned. "It's a horrible place." There was also the ominous rating in the elevator. 2 out of 5, in huge white bold type. And in case one did not quite get it, below, an explanation in small print: 'This facility has received two stars out of a maximum of five.'

Four floors of desolation, and a string of open doors revealing rows of beds, with people in various states of undress. A fat woman waves and says hello from her bed. In the hallways, more older folks, sitting in wheelchairs, waiting, silent. A man with a helmet stares at me. I read the menu posted on the wall and can only imagine what canned fruit at every meal must taste like. Many of the residents are Asian. I wonder when was the last time they had fried rice? I am shown into the activity room and see elders parked around a rectangular table with a well-meaning young aide to watch over them. Markers, crayons, and colored papers strewn across the table. According to my proud host, two people got featured in the city's "Art for Elders" show. Lucky the few ones who can still access their gift of creativity in such dismal surroundings!

The institution has a color code for each resident. A red dot means "that person is really advanced in their dementia . . ." Yellow, not so bad. Green and blue, in between. I can feel my mood darken by the minute. The bleak lighting is of no help. I wonder how long do folks usually stay. "This is a long-term care facility. Usually years." I don't even bother asking the usual questions. How many caregivers per residents? How about medications? I already know the answers. I am done. I just want to leave.

This is what awaits those who have no money, no family, and a mind that's slipping, and a body to go down with it.

There's got to be a better way. I am filled with outrage, and the desire to do something. I also turn inwards to look at the depth of my attachments, and the fragility of my happiness, so conditioned by unpredictable outer circumstances.

A Toxic Place

2011-11-30T17:35:00.000-08:00

One does not always have a choice. Sometimes, one ends up in a toxic environment, and the question arises of what to do from a mindful, compassionate place?

I asked my fellow tweeters:

other than need to exit, what is there to learn from being in a toxic environment?

And got the following answers:

@FullContactTMcG I learned compassion from sitting in my formerly toxic environment. For self and other... Then I left that relationship

@blkwriter the ability to hang in there if need be

@kabzj radical responsibility?

@JDProuty not much to learn in toxic environments but a good place to teach

toxic environments ~ toughest test of mindfulness ~ teach by example

@debraZERO I have found my voice, I don't want to suffer w/them. It's okay to be happy.

@Digitt one can learn the ability to transform negative energy into positive.

just a state of mind. A shift in perception and standing in your power.

That's a lot of wisdom, right there.

For myself, I have found toxic environments to be useful up to a point. Useful tests of one's wisdom, kindness, compassion, and non reactivity. This fear I feel, whose is it? Of course, mine always, in the end. How about the anger? Same thing, a reaction from 'I' to difficult outer circumstances, and people. Intellectually, I could see that it was my choice to let the toxic brew seep in, or not. And at the same time, I found mindfulness can only go so far. At some point, one needs to leave. Some personalities, some situations are real pollutants for the mind, and the heart.

“I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.”

~ Mahatma Gandhi ~

Then the real work begins, of purifying one's mind from the unwholesome thoughts that may linger after one has left the actual place, or person. Owning one's propensity to dukkha, and investigating the effect on one's happiness. Replacing the anger with loving kindness. 'May he be at peace, may he be well.' And 'May I be at peace, may I be well.'

6 Reasons to Follow the Breath

2011-11-26T13:07:00.000-08:00

First breath, last breath, and millions in between . . .

Breath. Such a basic physical phenomenon. And one of the most useful objects of attention during mindfulness practice.

More and more, I have come to rely on the breath to 'save' me. And here is why:

It is not 'I' who breathes, but rather the body that is being breathed. Focusing on the movement of breathing, relaxing into the automatic ins and outs of breath, the 'I' can relax. Reaping the joy from anatta . . .

While busy following the breath, the mind gets occupied with the wholesome activity of noticing the sensations of breath in, breath out. Meanwhile the unwholesome thoughts are kept at bay. Purifying the mind with attention to the breath . . .

With the beginning of each new breath, a new birth. With the ending of each breath, another death. Nothing to hold on to. Watching impermanence in action, over and over, and over . . .

Breathing in, belly and chest naturally expands, and bodily tensions get a chance to relax. Breathing out, impurities in the mind get flushed out. Calming the bodily and mental formations with the mechanics of breath . . .

Resting in the space between each inhalation and exhalation, the pleasure awaits of yet another visit from breath, another moment of life, given. Taking in the good . . . and cultivating gratitude.

Sitting still, in silence. Nothing else belongs to this moment, except the ongoing movement of breath. As the mind starts to wander away, the irrelevance of most thoughts becomes clear. Breath as reference point . . .

Finding out for one self what is meant in the Anapanasati Sutta.

Be Social, Be Mindful

2011-11-25T05:00:00.000-08:00

I used to think of social gatherings as the last places to practice mindfulness. So noisy, so much stimulation, so much mindlessness all around . . .

Inspired by U Tejaniya's teachings, I have come around to another point of view. Yesterday's Thanksgiving became another opportunity for practice. More than twenty people gathered, many of whom I only get to see once a year. Some I have more connections with than others. And each new encounter, a chance to observe the mind at work.

How much do I really listen? How active is the 'commentator', the judge? How quickly do 'I' decide, "I like this conversation", or "This person is boring"? How many stories from the past do I bring into each interaction? What she said to me five years ago, and I still have not forgiven? Or the memory of a heartfelt conversation that brought the two of us close once? Who do I choose to speak to, and who do I ignore? How does it feel right in the core of my body? Tensing? Or relaxing? What is the emotion? So much to process in a matter of seconds.

I found that practicing in this way gave the evening a whole different flavor. First, I learned much about the many ways in which the mind can create wedges between one self and others. The trick is to catch the thoughts before they have a chance to get acted out into words, or behaviors. Besides insight, much joy is to be had as well. Joy from being more present, and more kind. Right now, there is only me and him, this almost stranger whom I will probably not see until same time, next year. It is not about 'me', it's about him and what he is saying, and watching the impurities of my own mind wash away, leaving my heart free to meet him.

How do you bring mindfulness to your social interactions? What do you notice?

Feeling Impatient? Feel Grateful.

2011-11-23T05:00:00.000-08:00

The trip started well. No traffic on the freeway, boarding pass printed ahead of time, no luggage to checkin, I made it to gate 55 in record time. Then, the announcement that flight 1931 was being delayed an hour. Great, I thought, I will be able to try out the new egg chairs in the lounge. I had work to do, and did not mind the unexpected extra time. An hour soon turned into two, and then three. I surprised myself with my lack of impatience.

Later, standing outside terminal 4 at LAX, a series of texts from my daughter about her being stuck in traffic left me equally unfazed. When she finally arrived an hour later, I felt only gladness. It took us another two hours to reach her apartment instead of the usual 20 minutes. I watched drivers around us agitate their horns and attempt to make rash moves. Nowhere to go, but hundreds of restless minds needing to be indulged, right now.

I wondered, how come the calmness that had stayed with me for all this time?

It certainly helped that I had practiced sitting earlier in the day.

It certainly helped that I countered thoughts of dislike about flight travel with thoughts of gratitude about the fact that I could travel, and was soon to see my daughter. Thinking about my friends at the assisted living community, who can no longer venture even a few blocks without depending on the company of a willing other. Or the woman at Zen Hospice who was dying of lung cancer, and spent her last days bent over, head cupped in her hands, trying to catch some air. Thinking about this precious life, and nothing to be taken for granted, not even breath or the privilege of walking around a crowded airport.

Gratitude is what had done away with any velleity of impatience.

Off to a Good Start

2011-11-21T10:56:00.000-08:00

Waking up every day, same possibilities.

Either jump in, unaware, into the mayhem of the day, and be prepared for the consequences. Or, stop and choose to dwell in mindfulness even before opening one's yes, following Ayya Khema's wise counsel. I have chosen the latter and perfected a routine that has done me a lot of good.

Laying in bed, at the first moment of consciousness, I peak at the early morning light, and I close my eyes again. Getting in touch with breath, and the general climate inside. What is the general feeling? Am I starting off with resistance, or willingness? As of late, there has been lots of reluctance. I remember Ruth Denison's teachings on vedana. Recognize the unpleasantness and it will diminish. She is right. Embracing the tightness, I can feel the body relax. Mind almost always follows with gladness, and gratitude for the gift of breath, and life starting anew, once more. It is now time to open the eyes, slowly as instructed by Ayya Khema, noticing the stickiness of upper and lower lids parting after a long night, and the brightness streaming in.

Listening to the body, I give it what it wants. A few long, slow cat stretches. Spine cracks with delight. I am ready to get up. Walking to the bathroom turns into a short walking meditation. First feeling the stickiness of bare feet against the wooden floor, then coldness from the marble tiles. Watching the various body parts, moving in accord to perform the rituals of toileting, brushing teeth, and freshening up. And the mind also, as it tries to take me away from each moment, already.

Next is another critical juncture. To sit now, or later? I have found it best to sit first thing. This way, I am sure to get some practice in, and I prep the mind for the rest of the day. Giving the mind a chance to settle before external events have agitated it too much. Less effort is required to calm the mind, and also one can start the day from a centered place. Nascent unskillful thoughts can be addressed before they get a chance to mushroom into some kind of intractable state.

We have so much control over our life. Good day, bad day, it's up to us to set the right tone from the start.

How do you usually start each day? Is mindfulness a part of your morning routine?

Living up to Our Mindfulness Potential

2011-11-17T07:08:00.000-08:00

I am not yet done listening to this wonderful talk given by Ayya Khema. Many gems to be found there, and in particular:

"Most people use mindfulness just enough to survive."

Using mindfulness to cross the street, to brush our teeth, to type this post, to eat breakfast, to work, to make love, to buy groceries, to go to the bathroom . . .

Using mindfulness to function, and go through the mechanics of daily living.

Ayya Khema, and other wise teachers tell us there is more to life however.

Life can be lived in freedom from the unnecessary suffering of clinging to what cannot be had.

Mindfulness practice is about using all of our mindfulness potential to find the joy of life lived free the tyranny of our habitual cravings. Whenever I realize how little I make use of such gold mine, I feel great sadness. Such a waste!

Ayya Khema reminds us of some simple steps we can take to deepen our use of mindfulness:

Formal practice, for sure, as in sitting and walking meditation.

And also, being mindful of the content of our mind outside of meditation, being aware of unwholesome thoughts and substituting them with wholesome thoughts. Purifying the mind.

Being mindful of the body outside of meditation, watching our movements, e.g. body walking to the table.

Often I interrupt the day with one of these three questions:

What am I doing? What am I thinking? How am I feeling?

How much of your mindfulness potential are you using?

No Need For Panic

2011-11-12T08:30:00.000-08:00

Sitting this morning, I found a succession of short, shallow breaths. The underline panic I have been feeling lately is still there, threatening to take over if I am not careful.

Thirty years ago, standing on the sidewalk right by the Chicago L station, I encountered such breath, and not knowing, I gave in. Pretty soon, it felt as if I could no longer breathe. I was having a heart attack I thought and I called my doctor. He had me count until one hundred, without much success. The iron corset got even tighter, and I ended up in the ER. I got hooked up on the EKG machine. My heart was perfectly fine. I had just had a panic attack.

Since that day, I have had a predisposition to panic. And I have learned ways to be with it. For a long time, I relied on the combined power of positive self-talk, belly breathing, and distraction. It worked. Somewhat.

What has really helped has been mindfulness practice, and particularly a deeper understanding of the role of one's attitude towards the panic itself.

The Buddha himself has been my greatest teacher in that respect:

"Breathing in long he knows ‘I am breathing in long.’
Breathing in short he knows ‘I am breathing in short.’
Breathing out long he knows ‘I am breathing out long.’
Breathing out short he knows ‘I am breathing in short.’

He trains himself ‘breathing in, I experience the whole body.’
‘breathing out, I experience the whole body.’
He trains himself, ‘breathing in, I calm the bodily formation.’
‘breathing out, I calm the bodily formation.’"

~ Anapanasati Sutta ~

Breathing in short, I know 'I am breathing in short' . . . Breathing out short, I know 'I am breathing out short' . . . Breathing in, I experience the tightness around the chest . . . Breathing out, I experience the tightness around the chest . . . Breathing in, I make room for shallow breath, and tightness, and the possibility of maybe relaxing a bit . . . Breathing out, I continue to make room for the whole experience . . . I also include a more neutral experience in the body, such as the sensations in my hands or feet, giving mind a break from the breath. Then returning again to the breath . . . Breathing in short, I know 'I am breathing in short' . . .

From this acceptance, the tight corset starts relaxing, giving breath more space to fill in the lungs, and mind a chance to calm down.

Such a subtle, and important shift.

Not panicking about the panic!

Medicine For Choppy Waters

2011-11-09T22:39:00.000-08:00

It's been rough, lately. Choppy waters require strong medicine, and I have been especially vigilant to keep up with my mindfulness practice.

Making sure to sit every morning first thing, for thirty minutes each time. And upping opportunities for informal practice throughout the day. Driving, I concentrate on driving, and nothing else. Walking to work, same thing. In between clients or meetings, I 'steal' a few minutes to sit, and reconnect with breath, and myself. Drinking a cup of coffee, I resist the temptation of checking messages on my phone, and I turn that time into another meditation. etc, etc . . .

That way, I can start each day from a calm, centered place, and I am better equipped to deal with the turbulences.

How do you deal with the rough seas in your life? Do you practice? Do you escape? Do you react?

From Conceptual to Experiential Self

2011-11-08T15:57:00.000-08:00

From Philippe Goldin's presentation this weekend at El Camino Hospital (an event benefitting Bob Stahl's MBSR scholarship program), I found the following slide on 'Self-Focused Processing' particularly useful:

Conceptual or narrative self:

past-future
fixed self-concept
rumination

Experiential or embodied self:

present-moment focused
continuously changing experience of self
reduced problems with depression, anxiety, etc . . .

A 21st century version of the teachings on anatta . . . with a focus on the health benefits of an experiential view of the self.

Anything But This Moment . . .

2011-11-05T15:23:00.000-07:00

Sitting, it usually does not take long before the unpleasantness makes itself felt. Drinking from the bitter cup of suffering is an exercise in patience, and faith. One that I am not always able to see through the end. Lately, it has been hard staying seated for the whole thirty minutes.

Walking, I thought I would be brave and go 'naked' without my phone. This is the perfect opportunity to turn exercise into a walking meditation, I tell myself. Soon, I discover the pain there also. The same one I was feeling during sitting. To stay with each step and the burden of fully felt discomfort, or to find ways to escape? The mind ends up playing its usual tricks and takes me somewhere else.

At the gym, I went without a book. Yes, I shall turn the time on the elliptical machine into yet another form of practice. It's been a while since I have exercised my heart so hard. Body, breath, and mind start to rebel against so much effort. I start wishing I had not left the book at home. Anything but this moment . . . Then remembering 'breath as an anchor', I decide to investigate the new sensation of breath under stress. Mouth open, throat dry, air burning through the lungs. For a while, I forget that I don't want to do this.

Throughout each day, I make many such overtures to mindfulness, and I almost always find it incredibly challenging to stay with the unpleasantness. This is why sustained practice is so hard.

How do you manage to stay mindful?

Putting Myself to Sleep

2011-11-03T07:56:00.000-07:00

I have had lots on my plate lately . . . and each evening, same story. The familiar tightness makes itself felt, that could keep me up all night.

Rather than getting even more upset by such unwelcome visitor, I have discovered a new way of being that has made it (relatively) easy to fall into the oblivion of sleep.

It goes like this . . .

Lying in bed, I turn my attention to the whole experience of body in repose, pressure in the throat, knot in the stomach, and also breath coming and going at its own pace. Back and forth, between tightness and breath. Embracing the discomfort, meanwhile letting body being breathed. Each breath, a gentle stroke against the fear, and the butterflies swirling inside. Softening, softening, and making room for growing delight.

Surrendering to the sweetness of breath.

How do you put yourself to sleep?

Remembering to Take in the Good

2011-10-31T17:25:00.000-07:00

Today, walking into Avenidas Senior Center for a meeting about the Presence Care Project, it hit me. Hundreds of bright specks of violet, scattered amidst other less luminous dots. What a wondrous sight it was, and an awesome way to start the day!

What could have been just petals on the ground became an occasion for tremendous gratitude. I had to take a picture.

Remembering to take in the good.

Creating the Space

2011-10-30T05:00:00.000-07:00

(cross-post with Presence Care Project blog)

Amazing things can happen with folks who are living with dementia. They can start speaking intelligible words after months of muteness. They can start relating and smiling again. They can move their previously frozen limbs. They can sing entire songs. They can show flashes of insight. So many possible surprises.

However, the conditions have to be right.

First and foremost, the person needs to be given the time, and the mental and emotional space to BE. That means no rushing, no outpacing, no talking over, no ignoring, no assuming. Instead, we are to practice being present for them.

How does that work?

First I take a chair and I sit . . . down. Down at the person’s level, mirroring her own sitting. And I take the time to relax into my body, and to let my mind settle. Becoming aware of the sensations in my body, and of breath. Dropping below the habitual level of discursive thinking and emotional reactivity. I create space within my own mind. Sitting with her, I practice what is commonly called mindfulness.

Something usually happens then. Mindfulness starts working its magic not just on me, but also the person I am sitting with.

I notice my friend’s body starts to relax, and I can feel her mind loosening as well. There is an overall sense of joint resting within a vast expanse. For her this is especially important, as the newly created space and stillness gives the tenuous connections in her brain a chance to take again. She can ‘re-ment’. She was mute and now she tells me “thank you”.

If electrodes were taped on my friend’s brain, I am pretty sure, we would see dramatic changes in her brain’s activity and connectivity. Mindfulness by proxy . . . Maybe a new avenue for neuroscience research?

6 Teachings on How to Be With the Dying

2011-10-29T09:04:00.000-07:00

Ayya Khema's biography has been my late night companion for the last few weeks. Such an inspiring life, and so many wise teachings interspersed throughout. I especially appreciate her advice on how to relate to the dying:

1. When a person is dying, we should recall to him all his good deeds, so that he can die with a peaceful and happy mind. That is very important, for it very often occurs that on their deathbeds people are suddenly afflicted with regret and remorse, because they think they have done one thing or the other wrong. If you, as a doctor or a nurse, do not know a dying person very well, you should get information from his family so you can help him.

2. We should get in physical contact - hold hands with the dying person or stroke him, so he does not get the feeling he has been abandoned.

3. The sense of hearing is the last sense to go. Therefore we should not think that a person who seems to be lying there unconscious is not hearing anything. In his presence, only those things should be said that he should hear.

4. We can say to the person that we are all going to die. The body is not the most important thing. The mind and consciousness of the good and true are much more important.

5. [We should not shy away from relieving or eliminating physical pain.] Consciousness is also present even when a dying person cannot answer or respond in the usual way. It is completely wrong to give a person over to pain - this only fills the person's mind with negativity and discord.

6. One should die at home in a good, familiar environment. One's dear ones should be present and know that they have to give the dying person permission to die. It is important to say to him or her: "Yes, we will miss you, but we're all completely okay, we're are just fine. We love you, but we can go on living." We should not try to hold on, since that makes dying more difficult.

6 great teachings for us to remember when the moment comes to midwife another person into dying.

5 Ways to Practice Generosity

2011-10-25T05:00:00.000-07:00

From Gil's recent talk on generosity, I have taken away these 5 practices of generosity (as part of broader mindfulness practice):

1. Do exactly what you are already doing, but infuse it with a spirit of generosity.

2. Look for opportunities for small acts of generosity that you would not generally do, and study yourself before, during, and after.

3. Look for situations in which you are inspired to give, and do it, and if you can't think of anything look at that.

4. Stretch yourself in being generous, and give in ways that are hard for you, even if just a little; explore what it's like.

5. Practice doing an act of generosity to someone you are in conflict with, and explore what happens inside.

And while practicing generosity, keep the following principles in mind:

When practicing generosity or giving, you don't have to FEEL generous.

Wise generosity is about how to benefit oneself, and how to benefit others.

We should give in a way that does not harm oneself, and does not harm others.

We should give out of obligation but because it feels like a beneficial things to do.

HOW one give is more important than WHAT one gives.

To Gil's points, I would like to add my own twist:

Paying attention to the body and mind's movements as one considers giving or not giving. Is there tightening, or expansion in the body, the heart, the mind? Tightening is clear indication of the need to bring ease into one's approach, either needing to relax into being more generous, or its opposite, withholding misguided giving.

For now, I shall focus on the first and fifth practices. The fifth one because of current circumstances. And the first one because it goes hand in hand with casual, moment to moment mindfulness.

What is your relationship with generosity? How do you practice? Do you?

The Hazards of Unguarded Mind

2011-10-23T10:11:00.000-07:00

She's been my teacher for the last week.

Being with Betty has been a dramatic lesson in the perils of mind, when it has been unguarded for too long. Betty's got an anxiety disorder so severe that she can no longer function. Her throat closes up and she feels as if she is going to choke. Her legs go numb, and she is overtaken by weakness. Her mind fills up with thoughts of death and she begs to be shot. Her heart vacillates between terror and occasional bursts of anger. She cannot be left alone. Only drugs, and the continuous company of doctors and nurses bring her a tiny bit or relief.

Layers after layers of accumulated mindlessness, exposed and wrapped up in pathology.

Slumped over in the couch, her hands entrusted in mine, she begs me to please relieve her from her misery. She wants to know that I care, and that I believe in the reality of her suffering. That I can do. When she tells me she is going to die, I see deluded mind in action. And I tell her. It may feel as if you are going to die, because your breath's gotten shallow, and your mind is visited by terrible thoughts. I suggest, instead of saying 'I am going to die', tell yourself 'It feels as if I am going to die, but I know better, I am not. I am still breathing, and talking.' Also, give your mind a bit of rest, and practice new thoughts. 'May I be at peace, may I be at ease. May I be at peace, may I be at ease.' Relaxing the mind.

There is work to do also with the body. Tightness all over needs to be dealt with. First, recognizing it, which is no problem for Betty. Where she goes wrong is in what she does with her perception and awareness. Not seeing the tensing against the primary tension, and how it contributes to her feeling more and more out of control. Being aware of the whole experience: the body's long held habit of reacting with tension, overlaid with great dislike and fear about that experience, then leading to more tension, ending in a knot so tight that air, and blood can barely pass through. 'Don't talk to me about deep breathing anymore. It does not work, only makes me worse.' Somewhere, Betty has learned that breath is to be used for her condition. The fact that she has been taught wrong has turned breath into a new enemy. Figuring we have enough to deal with, I decide to leave that one aside, for now at least . . . and to use the body instead. Focusing on the hands, and the sensations there. 'I feel cold and warm.' In that moment, Betty's mind is no longer focused on the tightness. Giving the mind a rest, purifying it.

"Give me a shot, now!" In this moment, Betty believes only drugs can relieve her from her suffering. Another delusion to be addressed. Using mind against mind, and the power of memory to remember the extra suffering by the use of drugs when they wear out. And reintroducing the knowledge that working with her thoughts is as powerful and without the side effects. "You are forgetting the power of your mind. There is a lot you can do with your thoughts, and how you choose to deal with the panic." She nods. I take it as a small victory.

"What did you use to enjoy before the panic came?" "I like music, classical music." Getting the mind out of its rut. One wholesome thought, one wholesome action at a time . . . She is open to listening to a Mozart CD.

There is the panic, and what led to it in the first place. Digging down deeper, and accessing the anger beneath. Lots of it. Another hindrance that's been marching for years into Betty's life. Meeting with her relatives, Betty's voice grows loud and she tells them how she feels. Betty's got a lot of work to do. She needs to see a therapist.

Betty did not know. She let her house get so dirty over the years, that she can no longer live in it. Now is the time for heavy cleanup crew, and she has to roll up her sleeves.

No need to wait that long. The fresher the grime, the easier to remove. Betty is calling me (us) to the tedious work of ongoing mindfulness.

The Shame of Envy

2011-10-19T07:53:00.000-07:00

A recent event, my reaction to it and resulting actions brought forth last night what had been brewing for quite some time:

Envy

I have been feeling envy

Wanting what they have

and that I don't have

Envy

It's been taking me

down the wrong path

and I didn't even see it

Envy

Forgetting to focus

on the real problem,

of craving mind

Envy

I don't like to admit

to such shameful leaning

so petty, so small

Envy

I was consumed,

and now, the freedom

of chains broken.

U Pandita's teaching about 'The Ten Armies of Mara' comes to mind:

Meditation can be seen as a war between wholesome and unwholesome mental states. On the unwholesome side are the forces of the kilesas, also known as “The Ten Armies of Māra.” In Pāli, Māra means killer. He is the personification of the force that kills virtue and also kills existence. His armies are poised to attack all yogis; they even tried to overcome the Buddha on the night of his enlightenment.

Here are the lines the Buddha addressed to Māra, as recorded in the Sutta Nipāta:

Sensual pleasures are your first army,
Discontent your second is called.
Your third is hunger and thirst,
The fourth is called craving.
Sloth and torpor are your fifth,
The sixth is called fear,
Your seventh is doubt,
Conceit and ingratitude are your eighth,
Gain, renown, honor and whatever fame is falsely received (are the ninth),
And whoever both extols himself and disparages others (has fallen victim to the tenth).
That is your army, Namuci [Māra], the striking force of darkness.
One who is not a hero cannot conquer it, but having conquered it, one obtains happiness.

To overcome the forces of darkness in our own minds, we have the wholesome power of satipaṭṭhāna vipassanāmeditation, which gives us the sword of mindfulness, as well as strategies for attack and defense.

In the Buddha’s case, we know who won the victory. Now, which side will win over you?

What really got to me was my blinded-ness to the forces of envy. So focused was I on the outer object, that I got lost, and failed for a long time to fully investigate the source of my suffering. This is what delusion does to the mind.
Envy, such a powerful teacher.
When is the last time you felt prey to its twisted-ness?

Where I Go For Loving Kindness

2011-10-16T07:48:00.000-07:00

From Jack Kornfield, my first teacher many years ago, I got my first training in loving kindness during one of the family days at Spirit Rock. I remember learning:

First start thinking of a person for whom I felt great love

Then get in touch with the love I felt in my heart

Then direct that same love towards myself

'May I be at peace, May I be at ease, . . .'

Then to expand the circle of love further and further outside of myself until it included all the people in the world.

'May they be at peace, May they be at ease . . .'

This did not work quite so well for me. Since then, I have found this optimistic approach about loving kindness is also difficult for many other folks. There are two problems. First is the fact that for some, there has never been the experience of feeling love for another person. Second, most of us in the Western world have a very hard time loving ourselves. Instead of loving kindness, anger or self-hate may arise with such practice. Not necessarily bad, as everything is grist for the mill in meditation practice, but still, not really the intent.

More workable I have found, is a more inclusive practice that goes like this:

First start thinking of a person, or a pet, or a place, or a thing for whom one feels great love

Then get in touch with the love felt in one's heart and hold it

Then try sending out some of that same love towards oneself

And become aware of all that is present in one's experience

Including other feelings, thoughts, sensations in the body

Relax the tensions in the body, and the mind, as much as possible

Meanwhile being aware of quiet body being breathed

Take it in all in, not pushing away anything, and wish one self well,

'May I be at peace, May I be at ease, . . .'

Enrobing all the feelings, thoughts, sensations, tensions

Enrobing them in the love found earlier in one's heart

Repeating the words as often as necessary,

Being aware still of body being breathed, in and out

Then expand the circle of loving kindness to at least one other person,

'May he/she be at peace, May he/she be at ease, . . .'

And continue expanding the circle, until one comes to a stop.

Not forcing anything, relaxing into the reality of one's heart,

And rewiring our brain with the words

'May I/they be at peace, May I/they be at ease, . . .'

The place I go to for love, is a memory of my maternal grandfather holding my hand, and the smell of the earth impregnating his farmer's clothes. How about you? What is your love person, place, thing, . . . ?

Persistent Guests in My House

2011-10-12T07:46:00.000-07:00

It's become clear now who are the guests that linger in my inner dwelling.

First is the workaholic who obsesses over what's next at the office. I encounter 'her' while I sit, while I walk, and in my dreams. She populates my mind with many thoughts, and preoccupies herself with planning and multiple projects. She acts as a barrier between myself and the present moment. She is not really a person, but rather a constellation of habits, emotions, and thoughts. She is driven by another, much older character, to do with my early years as a child. That one is a scared little girl, still living in what felt like an unpredictable home with a father given to unpredictable rages. Fear is her modus operandi and her first line of response. Those two guests take turn in dominating my day to day life.

'Take turn' is no longer so accurate, though. I should say 'have taken turn' instead. Things are changing.

Another figure, much more powerful than those two is establishing itself. She is wise, and knows how to put the other two guests to rest, using the qualities of insight, patience, mindfulness, equanimity, concentration, investigation, and loving kindness. In this moment, there is only breath coming and going, and hands typing words on the computer, and body sitting a bit slouched in the office chair. The rest, the scared 'I' that makes itself felt in the pit of the stomach, is to be put in its place. A persistent guest, a product of automatic responses from body and mind in need of being calmed, using the breath, and concentration on the task at hand.

How humbling to realize that this mind, this body do not really belong to me . . . Otherwise, right now, there would be only be the peace of breath, moving freely in and out of boundless body.

Who are the guests in your house? How do you put them to rest?

Gratitude Eight Times Over

2011-10-10T23:04:00.000-07:00

Gratitude is about realizing what one has, and knowing it can be all taken away, just like that.
Gratitude is about noticing others' plight, and yes, comparing, and acknowledging one's good fortune.
Gratitude is about not taking anything, and I mean anything for granted.
Gratitude is about visiting several old folks' homes today, and seeing decrepit bodies, minds lost in another reality, and a place or two that made me want to flee, because it was so bad in there.
Gratitude is about appreciating my youth still, and my sound mind, and my independence, and the ability to contribute with my good work.
Gratitude is about realizing the control I have over my mind to host happy thoughts, or not.
Gratitude is about feeling so lucky to be able to speak, after hearing of a friend whose speech was taken away by a stroke.
Gratitude is about counting my many blessings, and holding them lightly in the heart.

6 Rewards of Loving Kindness Practice

2011-10-09T19:59:00.000-07:00

I am a big fan of loving kindness practice. It took me a while, years actually to warm up to it, but now I could not imagine life without it. Today, during his Dharma talk at IMC, Gil gave six reasons to give into metta:

Loving kindness is a way of protecting ourselves - from negative thoughts, ill will, greed, . . .

Loving kindness creates social harmony - through our kind thoughts, words, and actions.

Loving kindness helps us sleep better - falling asleep more easily, and waking up more rested.

Loving kindness acts as reference point to see ourselves better - making it more obvious the things that need to be resolved, the anger that has been festering, etc.

Loving kindness can be used as a concentration practice - helping with fragmentation.

Loving kindness supports the practice of liberation of freedom.

May you be at peace, may you be at ease!

Nothing To Be Clung To

2011-10-08T13:20:00.000-07:00

Sitting, the words come:
'nothing to be clung to'

Not getting into stories,
and from many times before,
the almost certainty of this:
'nothing to be clung to'

Breathing in, breathing out,
relaxing around the edges
of the habitual tightness:
'nothing to be clung to'

Years of tensing, grasping,
cannot be undone that quickly
It is only a matter of time:
'nothing to be clung to'

There is no need
to find out the object even,
for none is worth the desire:
'nothing to be clung to'

Sitting, the words come:
Nothing to be clung to.

Steve Jobs Was a Dharma Teacher Also

2011-10-06T14:19:00.000-07:00

Steve Job's death yesterday came as a shock. We all knew he was dying, but were hoping that he would be a part of this world for a little while longer. As a tribute to him, I would like to share this video of him giving the Commencement Speech for the Stanford class of 2005.

I especially appreciated his story about death:

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn’t even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor’s code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you’d have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I’m fine now.

This was the closest I’ve been to facing death, and I hope it’s the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

And I thought of the wisdom of another man, not famous like Steve, but just as wise . . .

This is the truth.

16 Steps With the Breath

2011-10-02T18:20:00.000-07:00

Following last week's talk by Gil on the Anapanasati sutta, I have been meaning to dig deeper and articulate for myself the 16 steps regarding mindfulness of breathing as a full practice. Here is what I understand, based on Gil's talk and reading the Anapanasati sutta:

By focusing one's attention on the breath, one can develop mindfulness, concentration, and insight. We alternate between just being present and changing the experience. Focusing on the breath helps with staying in the present. This requires an active use of our attention. This is not about being passive.

Breathing in long he knows ‘I am breathing in long.’

Breathing in short he knows ‘I am breathing in short.’ [1]

Breathing out long he knows ‘I am breathing out long.’

Breathing out short he knows ‘I am breathing in short.’ [2]

The Buddha says, just know the quality of your breath. Breathing is used as a reference point, that makes it easier to see what the mind does. Also because the attention goes to breathing, one is starving the distractions.

He trains himself ‘breathing in, I experience the whole body.’

‘breathing out, I experience the whole body.’[3]

In the process, we become aware of bodily formations - what is there in the body because of activities of the mind. The various sensations.

He trains himself, ‘breathing in, I calm the bodily formation.’

‘breathing out, I calm the bodily formation.’ [4]

Then we relax and soften those sensations.

He trains himself, ‘I will breath in experiencing joy.’

He trains himself, ‘I will breath out experiencing joy.’[5]

He trains himself, ‘I will breath in experiencing pleasure.

He trains himself, ‘I will breath out experiencing pleasure. [6]

Some energy gets released, and we experience relief. We let ourselves feel the resulting joy and happiness.

He trains himself, ‘I will breath in experiencing mental formation.’

He trains himself, ‘I will breath out experiencing mental formation.’[7]

Same way, we became aware of the bodily formations, we become aware of the mental formations - the effects on the mind of how we use the mind. We feel what is going on in the mind. We look at what is feeding the mental activity: emotions, anxiety, worry. We get to know the overall state of our mind.

He trains himself, ‘I will breath in calming the mental formation.’

He trains himself, ‘I will breath out calming the mental formation.’[8]

Then we relax what goes on in the mind little by little.

He trains himself, ‘I will breath in experiencing the mind.’

He trains himself, ‘I will breath out experiencing the mind.’[9]

He trains himself, ‘I will breath in pleasing the mind.’

He trains himself, ‘I will breath out pleasing the mind.’[10]

We have the experience of soft mind.

He trains himself, ‘I will breath in concentrating the mind.’

He trains himself, ‘I will breath out concentrating the mind.’[11]

He trains himself, ‘I will breath in releasing the mind.’

He trains himself, ‘I will breath out releasing the mind.’[12]

This is an iterative process, we get to watch what happens in the mind and the body when we tighten. We learn how to be aware and to relax. How to liberate the mind. We are not letting go of, but rather letting go into peace, into being more relaxed. We go between knowing something and doing something about it, back and forth. We are breathing with our experience of body and mental states. The breath is what keeps us centered. We are not only focusing on the breath, but we also track what is going on in the present moment.

He trains himself, ‘I will breath in observing impermanence.’

He trains himself, ‘I will breath out observing impermanence.’[13]

He trains himself, ‘I will breath in observing dispassion.’

He trains himself, ‘I will breath out observing dispassion.[14]

He trains himself, ‘I will breath in observing cessation.’

He trains himself, ‘I will breath out observing cessation.’[15]

He trains himself, ‘I will breath in observing relinquishment.’

He trains himself, ‘I will breath out observing relinquishment.’[16]

The last four steps are about cultivating insight. We realize the things we cling to that are not worth clinging to. The thing we cling to start fading away as we become disinterested. Knowing something well enough is sometimes all that's needed to let go.

This in a nutshell was Gil's lecture.

Of course, the question that comes up for me, and that I did not think of asking after the talk, is of how to calm the mental formations? Many times throughout the sutta, the Buddha repeats "having put aside greed and distress for the world". I take it to mean that we take a stance and we decide to drop our habitual way. While sitting, we no longer get hooked into greed, ill will, worry, and sorrow. Instead we choose to dwell in the truth of breath, in and out, in and out, through body sitting still, and we do not linger in the mental formations that cause us unnecessary tensions and suffering. This is how I understand taking refuge in the Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha. This is where (previously verified) faith comes in.

Putting the Presence Care Project on the Web Map

2011-09-30T22:00:00.000-07:00

Much of my time lately has been spent launching the Presence Care Project website. Here it is, all done in no time, thanks to the awesome design work of Anoki Casey, my Dharma friend and the guy behind BuddhaBadges and DharmaDots.

The Presence Care Project aims to bring mindfulness and experiential understanding to dementia care. For a taste, you may watch some recent videos from a recent training I gave at the Coastside Adult Day Health Program in Half Moon Bay, CA.

From now on, all my blogging about mindful dementia care will take place in the Presence Care Project blog. See you there!

Look At Me

2011-09-26T15:03:00.000-07:00

Here is a gift, given to me by Jon, one of the readers of Mind Deep, who got it from another blogger. This is a gift that is meant to be shared:

(Kate the writer of this poem, was unable to speak but occasionally seen to write. After her death, her hospital locker was emptied and this poem was found.)

What do you see nurses what do you see?
Are you thinking when you are looking at me... A crabby old women not very wise,

Uncertain of habit with far away eyes, who dribbles her food and makes no reply, when you say in a loud voice 'I do wish you'd try'
Who seems not to notice the things that you do and forever is losing a stocking or shoe.

Who unresisting or not let's you do as you will, with bathing or feeding a long day to fill. Is that what you're thinking is that what you see? Then open your eyes nurse you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am.... As I sit here so still, as I use at your bidding and eat at your will. I'm a small child of ten with a father and mother, brothers and sisters who love one another.

A young girl of sixteen with wings on her feet, dreaming that soon now a lover she'll meet: A bride soon, at twenty my heart gives a leap. Remembering the vows that I promise to keep.

At twenty five now I have young of my own, who need me to build a secure happy home. A young women of thirty my young now grow fast bound to each other with ties that should last. At forty my young ones now grown, will soon be gone but my man stands beside me to see I don't mourn.

At fifty once more babies play round my knee, again we know children my loved one and me. Dark days are upon me my husband is dead, I look at the future, I shudder with dread. For my young are all busy rearing young of their own and I think of the years and the love I have known.

I'm an old women now and nature is cruel, 'I' is her jest to make old age look like a fool. The body it crumbles, grace and vigour depart. There now is a stone where once I had a heart. But inside this old carcase a young girl still dwells and now and again my battered heart swells.

I remember the joys, I remember the pain and I'm moving and living life over again. I think of the years all too few- gone too fast and accept the stark fact that nothing can last.

So open your eyes nurses open and see, not a crabbit old women, look closer- see ME.

Wow!

Revisiting the Mindfulness and Stress Reduction Connection

2011-09-23T23:14:00.000-07:00

While preparing a training for professional caregivers, I was looking for a simple explanation of the connection between mindfulness practice and stress reduction. What happens during the intimate process of practice that makes it possible to reduce one's stress level? Also, what do we mean by stress?

Floating in my mind were memories of explanations I had read about dukkha - sometimes translated as stress - in the Buddhist teachings, lectures from Jon Kabat-Zinn on MBSR, and scientific interpretations from neuroscientists like Philippe Goldin or Richard Davidson. Nothing that quite captured what I was after, though.

True to the spirit of mindfulness practice, I turned inside and this is what I found:

Stress happens when there is tensing against the flow of life - against the ending of what felt good, against the arising of unpleasant experiences, or in anticipation of their imagined occurrence. It manifests as tensions in the body, and tightness in the mind.

Mindfulness is an iterative process, about becoming aware of these tensions, and relaxing them slowly. Going back and forth between seeing, and relaxing, seeing and relaxing. Insight, or wise understanding facilitates the process of relaxing. Also important is bringing an attitude of relaxed alertness to the practice, so as to not further compound the stress, the tension.

This is my experience of how mindfulness practice leads to stress reduction.

What is your take, in plain English?

A Taste of Gotami's Medicine

2011-09-22T05:00:00.000-07:00

I just met her, a little woman with a sweet smile. She is depressed. Very soon, she tells me her story. Her only son was killed two years ago. Ran over by a bus. And only sixteen years old. She recounts the whole scene. How she got home that night, and not seeing him, thought he had taken the dog out for a walk. Then found the dog in the laundry room, wagging its tail. She wondered, where is he? Then the phone rang, and a man's voice asked to speak to her. Something had happened to her son, and she needed to come right away. The stranger would not tell her more details. "I was shaking so hard, I don't know how I made it there." On her way, she kept hoping her son had only gotten hurt, nothing bad. Then she saw him lying on the ground, and she knew. She wanted to know who, who had done this to her son. She wanted to kill the bastard. They pulled her away.

Today, she is still trying to cope. I asked her what has helped. "Going to groups and listening to other people. When you think you have it bad, you realize there is always someone else with an even worse story."

Sitting this morning, I had felt my own grief, and a twinge of self-pity. I had reasons. And I remember wishing away the misery.

When I left my new friend, there was only compassion in my heart, and hardly any trace of my earlier angst.

Next time you feel sorry for yourself, have a taste of Gotami's medicine, and look around, and take the time to feel someone else's pain. It works.

Down to Earth Wisdom From Charlotte Joko Beck

2011-09-21T05:00:00.000-07:00

Found in my mailbox this morning a wonderful article from Charlotte Joko Beck, about Enlightenment, Joy, The Meaning of Life, and Dogs. I am publishing it in its entirety, along with some of the thoughts that came to me as I read it.

My dog doesn't worry about the meaning of life. She may worry if she doesn't get her breakfast, but she doesn't sit around worrying about whether she will get fulfilled or liberated or enlightened. As long as she gets some food and a little affection, her life is fine. But we human beings are not like dogs. We have self-centred minds which get us into plenty of trouble. If we do not come to understand the error in the way we think, our self-awareness, which is our greatest blessing, is also our downfall.

There are many layers to our thoughts. I find the meta-assumptions that operate in the background of mind to be the most dangerous. One in particular for me is the belief that this moment is not perfect in itself. If only such and such condition was met . . . then I would be happy! Although I know this to be a delusion, the knowledge is only very superficial and does not reach to the core belief operating still.

To some degree we all find life difficult, perplexing, and oppressive. Even when it goes well, as it may for a time, we worry that it probably won't keep on that way. Depending on our personal history, we arrive at adulthood with very mixed feelings about this life. If I were to tell you that your life is already perfect, whole, and complete just as it is, you would think I was crazy. Nobody believes his or her life is perfect. And yet there is something within each of us that basically knows we are boundless, limitless. We are caught in the contradiction of finding life a rather perplexing puzzle which causes us a lot of misery, and at the same time being dimly aware of the boundless, limitless nature of life. So we begin looking for an answer to the puzzle.

The closest I came to the realization of boundlessness was during a retreat last year with Ruth Denison. Many times I have returned to this memory of limitlessness experienced in body and mind. No knot any more . . .

The first way of looking is to seek a solution outside ourselves. At first this may be on a very ordinary level. There are many people in the world who feel that if only they had a bigger car, a nicer house, better vacations, a more understanding boss, or a more interesting partner, then their life would work. We all go through that one. Slowly we wear out most of our 'if onlies.' "If only I had this, or that, then my life would work Not one of us isn't, to some degree, still wearing out our 'if onlies.' First of all we wear out those on the gross levels. Then we shift our search to more subtle levels. Finally, in looking for the thing outside of ourselves that we hope is going to complete us, we turn to a spiritual discipline. Unfortunately we tend to bring into this new search the same orientation as before. Most people who come to a spiritual centre don't think a Cadillac will do it, but they think that enlightenment will.

I don't have the same attachment to enlightenment as some others. I am actually quite suspicious of it, and my conception of it is as of a gradual process. My main motivation for practice is the desire to lessen unnecessary personal suffering, and the knowledge that there is another way.

Now they've got a new cookie, a new "if only." Our whole life consists of this little subject looking outside itself for an object. But if you take something that is limited, like body and mind, and look for something outside it, that something becomes an object and must be limited too. So you have something limited looking for something limited and you just end up with more of the same folly that has made you miserable.

I find it helpful to investigate experiences under the "if only" lens. There is so much suffering attached to this continual seeking. And a great sadness from dismissing this moment. I feel that very deeply, and more and more, I am deciding to dwell in the present, for life is precious, as the people I am privileged to work with keep on reminding me. Another great way to deal with the "if only" is to practice gratitude for what is already there. Walking, I am grateful for the gift of body still good enough to allow me to go out for a stroll. Realizing that one day, this body will be taken away.

We have all spent many years building up a conditioned view of life. There is "me" and there is this "thing" out there that is either hurting me or pleasing me. We tend to run our whole life trying to avoid all that hurts or displeases us, noticing the objects, people, or situations that we think will give us pain or pleasure, avoiding one and pursuing the other. Without exception, we all do this. We remain separate from our life, looking at it, analyzing it, judging it, seeking to answer the questions, 'What am I going to get out of it? Is it going to give me pleasure or comfort or should I run away from it?" We do this from morning until night. As the years go by, it gets worse. What might not look so bad when you are twenty-five looks awful by the time you are fifty. We all know people who might as well be dead; they have so contracted into their limited viewpoints that it is as painful for those around them as it is for themselves. We have to see through the mirage that there is an "I" separate from "that." Close the gap. Only in that instant when we and the object become one can we see what our life is.

It is the whole tragedy of life isn't it? this seemingly irreconcilable difference between our pleasure-seeking nature, and the inherently unpleasant nature of life itself. I like Ajahn Chah's image of the beautiful flower, that carries wilted-ness within itself. Not accepting this fundamental nature of life is the primary delusion that we need to face. The Full Catastrophe of Jon Kabat-Zinn.

Enlightenment is not something you achieve. It is the absence of something. All your life you have been going forward after something, pursuing some goal. Enlightenment is dropping all that. But to talk about it is of little use. The practice has to be done by each individual. There is no substitute. We can read about it until we are a thousand years old and it won't do a thing for us. We all have to practice, and we have to practice with all of our might for the rest of our lives.

Yes. Finding out for oneself.

What we really want is a natural life. Our lives are so unnatural that to do a practice like Zen is, in the beginning, extremely difficult.But once we begin to get a glimmer that the problem in life is not outside ourselves, we have begun to walk down this path. Once that awakening starts, once we begin to see that life can be more open and joyful than we had ever thought possible, we want to practice.We enter a discipline like Zen practice so that we can learn to live in a sane way. Zen is almost a thousand years old and the kinks have been worked out of it; while it is not easy, it is not insane. It is down to earth and very practical. It is about our daily life. It is about working better in the office, raising our kids better, and having better relationships. Having a more sane and satisfying life must come out of a sane, balanced practice. What we want to do is to find someway of working with the basic insanity that exists because of our blindness. It takes courage to sit well. Zen is not a discipline for everyone.We have to be willing to do something that is not easy. If we do it with patience and perseverance, with the guidance of a good teacher, then gradually our life settles down, becomes more balanced. Our emotions are not quite as domineering. As we sit, we find that the primary thing we must work with is our busy, chaotic mind. We are all caught up in frantic thinking and the problem in practice is to begin to bring that thinking into clarity and balance. When the mind becomes clear and balanced and is no longer caught by objects, there can be an opening-and for a second we can realize who we really are. But sitting is not something that we do for a year or two with the idea of mastering it. Sitting is something we do for a lifetime. There is no end to the opening up that is possible for a human being. Eventually we see that we are the limitless, boundless ground of the universe. Our job for the rest of our life is to open up into that immensity and to express it. Having more and more contact with this reality always brings compassion for others and changes our daily life. We live differently, work differently, relate to people differently. Zen is a lifelong study. It isn't just sitting on a cushion for thirty or forty minutes a day. Our whole life becomes practice, twenty-four hours a day.

Yes, experiencing the rewards of mindfulness practice is what keeps me on the path. I cannot think of any greater gift to oneself. Practicing has altered the way I think, the way I am with others and myself, the way I work, and what I choose to focus on. Practice is the ultimate refuge. And sitting practice is just a way of strengthening the mindfulness muscle, so that it can be used throughout the day.

I'm often accused of emphasizing the difficulties in practice. The accusation is true. Believe me, the difficulties are there. If we don't recognize them and why they arise, we tend to fool ourselves. Still, the ultimate reality-not only in our sitting, but also in our lives-is joy. By joy I don't mean happiness; they're not the same. Happiness has an opposite; joy does not. As long as we seek happiness, we're going to have unhappiness, because we always swing from one pole to the other.

Verified faith in the power of practice is what keeps me practicing. A faith informed by the joy that comes with practice. As pointed by Charlotte, joy is very different from happiness. In fact, many times I find great unhappiness and joy co-existing in my heart. Joy comes from clearly seeing and including all what is. I have become very aware of this in my work with the dying, and also the people with dementia. Many times, sitting with much frustration, suffering, sadness, boredom, . . . and the end coming out filled with joy, and lightness. A very paradoxical process.

From time to time, we do experience joy. It can arise accidentally or in the course of our sitting or elsewhere in our lives. For a while after sesshin, we may experience joy. Over years of practice, our experience of joy deepens- if, that is, we understand practice and are willing to do it. Most people are not.

Yes, that's the trick. Having had enough of a taste of joy, to keep up with practice. The realization of suffering is another motivator.

Joy isn't something we have to find. Joy is who we are if we're not preoccupied with something else. When we try to find joy, we are simply adding a thought-and an unhelpful one, at that-onto the basic fact of what we are. We don't need to go looking for joy. But we do need to do something. The question is, what? Our lives don't feel joyful, and we keep trying to find a remedy.

That's it. Joy is a byproduct of practice, of including everything in our awareness, not resisting anything.

Our lives are basically about perception. By perception I mean whatever the senses bring in. We see, we hear, we touch, we smell, and so on. That's what life really is. Most of the time, however, we substitute another activity for perception; we cover it over with something else, which I'll call evaluation. By evaluation, I don't mean an objective, dispassionate analysis-as for example when we look over a messy room and consider or evaluate how to clean it up. The evaluation I have in mind is ego centered: "Is this next episode in my life going to bring me something I like, or not? Is it going to hurt, or isn't it? Is it pleasant or unpleasant? Does it make me important or unimportant? Does it give me something material?" It's our nature to evaluate in this way. To the extent that we give ourselves over to evaluation of this kind, joy will be missing from our lives.

This is why awareness of vedana (feeling tone) is so helpful. I find that it helps cut through this tendency of the mind to always assess experiences along the unpleasant-pleasant spectrum.

It's amazing how quickly we can switch into evaluation. Perhaps we're functioning pretty well-and then suddenly somebody criticizes what we're doing. In a fraction of a second, we jump into our thoughts. We're quite willing to get into that interesting space of judging others or ourselves. There's a lot of drama in all of this, and we like it, more than we realize. Unless the drama becomes lengthy and punishing, we enter willingly into it, because as human beings we have a basic orientation toward drama. From an ordinary point of view, to be in a world of pure perception is pretty dull.

Oh, yes! How so fickle, the mind is . . . Lately, I have had to deal with a difficult person, and have had the opportunity to observe how vulnerable my own mind is to the woman's energy and words. Our mental states are so fragile. It does not take much to push us in one direction or the other. Mingyur Rinpoche's simile of the flag flapping in the wind - our untrained mind - and the flagpole - our center.

Suppose we've been away on vacation for a week, and we come back. Perhaps we've enjoyed ourselves, or we think we have. When we return to work, the "In" box is loaded with things to do, and scattered all over the desk are little messages, "While You Were Out." When people call us at work, it usually means that they want something. Perhaps the job we left for someone else to take care of has been neglected. Immediately, we're evaluating the situation. "Who fouled up?" "Who slacked off?" "Why is she calling? I bet it's the same old problem." "It's their responsibility anyway. Why are they calling me?" Likewise, at the end of sesshin we may experience the flow of a joyful life; then we wonder where it goes. Though it doesn't go anywhere, something has happened: a cloud covers the clarity.

Recognizing the mind's tendency to cloud over, quickly. And why it is so important to engage in formal practice, every day, and with the support of a sangha - community.

Until we know that joy is exactly what's happening, minus our opinion of it, we're going to have only a small amount of joy. When we stay with perception rather than getting lost in evaluation, however, joy can be the person who didn't do the job while we were gone. It can be the interesting encounter on the phone with all of the people we have to call, no matter what they want. Joy can be having a sore throat; it can be getting laid off; it can be unexpectedly having to work overtime. It can be having to take a math exam or dealing with one's former spouse who wants more money. Usually we don't think that these things are joy.<

Joy is in the ability to rest in wise awareness, and not letting oneself be swept by the hindrances, or the unwholesome thoughts that inevitably arise. Knowing that one is dwelling just where one should be.

Practice is about dealing with suffering. It's not that the suffering is important or valuable in itself, but that suffering is our teacher. It's the other side of life, and until we can see all of life, there's not going to be any joy. To be honest, sesshin is controlled suffering. We get a chance to face our suffering in a practice situation. As we sit, all the traditional attributes of a good Zen student come under fire: endurance, humility, patience, compassion. These things sound great in books, but they're not so attractive when we're hurting. That's why sesshin ought not to be easy: we need to learn to be with our suffering and still act appropriately. When we learn to be with our experience, whatever it is, we are more aware of the joy that is our life. Sesshin is a good chance to learn this lesson. When we're prepared to practice, suffering can be a fortunate thing. None of us wants to recognize this fact. I certainly try to avoid suffering; there are lots of things I don't want happening in my life. Still, if we can't learn to be our experience even when it hurts, we'll never know joy. Joy is being the circumstances of our life just as they are. If someone's been unfair to us, that's it. If someone's telling lies about us, that's it also.

Not looking for suffering or lingering in it unnecessarily. And also coming to terms with its inevitability, and becoming familiar with it, not just intellectually but physically in the body. Stretching our tolerance for the aches and discomforts. And experiencing them for what they are, not more. Noticing our habitual ways of recoiling from what does not feel good.

Please chime in as well, and share.

The Knot Again

2011-09-19T08:02:00.000-07:00

One of the advantages of formal practice as in sitting still in the quietness of morning, or taking a mindful walk alone, is that it allows one to clearly see what belongs in this moment, and what doesn't.

This morning, sitting, I sensed the knot (post on Ajahn Chah), once more. And I investigated. There was physical suffering for sure, from the tightness. And underneath, fear and aversion. To what? Nothing to be feared in the quietness of my home. Nothing to dislike in this late Spring stroll through the neighborhood. Objectively, only pleasantness. In reality, much unpleasantness. Digging deeper, I found mind doing its dirty work. A string of thoughts unrelated to the present moment, but rather linked to the past, and making up an anticipated future, with the illusion of a solid 'I' as the glue. Not just Elmer's glue, but SuperGlue.

Awareness as solvant for the attachment to the illusion of a fixed self that sticks through time.

Formal practice, a long controlled experiment that allows one to get down to the root causes of suffering, and to unearth those one by one, one nanometer at a time.

How tight is your knot? Can you see it for what it is?

"I Have a Problem"

2011-09-17T17:32:00.000-07:00

An overzealous turn of the wheel as I was parking my car left the steering wheel stuck in one position. I looked at the manual, followed the instructions. Try wiggling the key while at the same time turning the wheel in either direction. Nothing moved.

When I got to work, I saw Bud sitting in his wheelchair, taking a smoke outside. Bud was a bus driver for thirty years, and he knows tons about transportation and cars. I was not going to let the opportunity go by.

"Tell me, Bud, I have a problem and I am hoping you can help me." He perked up.

I told Bud about my car problem, and got the answer I needed. Yes, try again to wiggle the key and the steering wheel. And if that doesn't work, call AAA, they will have to go under the hood to unlock the security control.

For a moment, Bud got to be his old competent self again.

We all need to feel useful.

And we all need to remember to give others opportunities to contribute also.

To Blog or To Sit?

2011-09-15T20:19:00.000-07:00

That's the question, often. I When time is scarce, I find myself having to make a choice. Either blog, or sit. There is something ironic about blogging about practice and forsaking actual practice because of it. In any case, this week I knew what mattered most and I chose sitting.

Hence, no post for the past few days. And today, just a short one.

Pay Yourself a Visit, and Sit

2011-09-11T23:22:00.000-07:00

Tonight, a sadness came over me.

From having abandoned myself

for most of this very long day.

Entire chunks of time, lived but not really,

spent away lost in one task after the next.

Many good excuses for working away

still did not add up to much,

as far as the real truth is concerned.

Something that cannot be named

yearned to be attended to,

and now that I stop, grief in the heart.

Violence was done in the name of great aims.

A monk comes by my side

and looks at me with great gentleness.

Slow down, dear one, and take the time

to dwell outside of your office.

Unplug the computer, put away the iPhone,

and pay yourself a visit and sit long enough

to notice the steady flow of breath,

and the whole experience of this time, this place.

Do you ever feel that way, too?

What Is Mindfulness?

2011-09-10T07:57:00.000-07:00

Inspired by Gil Fronsdal's wonderful presentation earlier this week about, 'Making a Difference: a Vision for the Role of Mindfulness in Society', I started thinking some more about one of the questions raised by Gil: what is mindfulness? And looked around for definitions.

First the definitions shared by Gil during his presentation:

Mindfulness is a type of meditation

Mindfulness is paying attention to daily life.

Mindfulness is the combination of particular approaches and attitudes for paying attention.

Mindfulness is paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally. Kabat-Zinn, 1994

Mindfulness is the universal dharma that is so co-extensive if not identical with the teachings of the Buddha. Jon Kabat-Zinn (recent definition)

Mindfulness is the art of observing your physical, emotional and mental experiences with deliberate, open, and curious attention.

Mindfulness is the awareness that emerges through paying attention on purpose in the present moment with compassion and open hearted curiosity.

Mindfulness is a way of life.

Next, other contemporary definitions I found on the Web:

Mindfulness is bringing one’s complete attention to the present experience on a moment-to-moment basis. Mariatt and Kristeller, 1999

Mindfulness is a kind of nonelaborative, nonjudgmental, present-centered awareness in which each thought, feeling, or sensation that arises in the attentional field is acknowledged and accepted as it is. Bishop et al, 2004

The first component [of mindfulness] involves the self-regulation of attention so that it is maintained on immediate experience, thereby allowing for increased recognition of mental events in the present moment. The second component involves adopting a particular orientation toward one’s experiences in the present moment, an orientation that is characterized by curiosity, openness, and acceptance. Bishop, Lau et al, 2007

I asked my followers on Twitter to help, and got these two great answers:

Debra McCrea (@debraZERO) likes this definition from Thich Nat Hanh: Feelings, whether of compassion or irritation, should be welcomed, recognized, and treated on an absolutely equal basis; because both are ourselves. The tangerine I am eating is me. The mustard greens I am planting are me. I plant with all my heart and mind. I clean this teapot with the kind of attention I would have were I giving the baby Buddha or Jesus a bath. Nothing should be treated more carefully than anything else. In mindfulness, compassion, irritation, mustard green plant, and teapot are all sacred. Thich Nhat Hanh (The Miracle of Mindfulness)

And from Toni Bernhard (@howtobesick), the author of How To Be Sick, I got this, straight from the Buddha's mouth: In reference to the seen, there will be only the seen. In reference to the heard, only the heard. In reference to the sensed, only the sensed. In reference to the cognized, only the cognized. That is how you should train yourself - Bahiya Sutta.

I also turned to three of my favorite teachers:

It’s cultivating good qualities in the mind. It’s making conditions right so good qualities can arise. If, while sitting, you’re dreaming up things the mind can feel greedy about, I don’t call that meditation. That’s why I say that the mind working to do the meditation is more important than the posture. But people associate the word “meditation” with “sitting.” The two words have become synonymous, but this is a mistake. There are two kinds of meditation. In samatha [calm abiding], you need to sit and be still. My emphasis is Vipassana [insight meditation]. For Vipassana practice, sitting is not necessary. The purpose of practicing Vipassana is to cultivate wisdom. U Tejaniya

It refers to a plain and impartial attentiveness to the object of observation, free from conceptual thinking. Mindfulness restricts itself to having that penetrative attentiveness of noting the occurrence and disappearance of a mental or bodily object (nâma-rupa) as it is. For instance, when there is the awareness of hearing, it is immediately noted as such. When the knowledge arises of what is heard, the mind marks just the fact of knowing and drops further interest because another process is already in the making. This, `letting go', not paying further interest is essential for the establishing of a sharp mindfulness. It enables one to follow precisely the arising and disappearing of all these processes. To understand what is mindfulness and to be able to apply it in the right way, one must make a clear distinction between the function of mindfulness and the normal attention people have, in their various activities. Mindfulness is not just a little bit more attention than one usually has . . . Mindfulness is only facing what is in the present moment without giving a specific emotional value to the object. Mindfulness deals only with the present moment, here and now. Ayya Khema

That which "looks over" the various factors which arise in meditation is 'sati', mindfulness. Ajahn Chah

Many views, all pointing to the same stance.

For me, I like the image of choosing to dwell in awareness, one step removed from our habitual reality of being lost in thoughts, emotions, sensations, etc. This is where the freedom is to be found, and the ensuing joy. I am no longer prisoner of the capricious nature of thoughts, and of my reactions to the ever changing, and therefore highly unsatisfactory nature of life.

What is your experience of mindfulness, and how would you put it into words?

What To Do During Meditation

2011-09-06T21:49:00.000-07:00

Gathered from Gil Fronsdal's talk the other night, these simple instructions on what 'to do' while meditating - my notes from the talk, not verbatim:

Using the image of the cowherd looking after his cows, we are presented with two options when sitting, looking after our thoughts.

First, is if the cows are out while the rice fields are not yet harvested, the cowherd needs to keep track of his cows very closely so that the cows do not damage the crop. Similarly, there are times when we need to watch our mind and thoughts very closely. Telling ourselves, don't go there, don't do that. Being like a vigilant cowherd with his little stick.

The other way is taking on a relaxed attitude, being like the cowherd standing propped up against a tree, and simply keeping an eye on the cows roaming around. We are letting go of our thoughts as they come, not getting involved.

Part of the wisdom factor is to know when one way is useful and not the other. We learn this through trial and error.

In our modern Western culture, we are plagued with a variety of neuroses that may dictate which approach is generally best suited for our practice. If we are in the camp of 'I am inadequate, I can't do this', being told to practice diligently will be counterproductive and we will end up tying ourselves into a knot instead of becoming more free. What is needed instead in that case, is a message of radical acceptance. For others there is a risk of complacency if they let their mind think freely. This may result in supporting unhealthy attachments and perpetuating the state of bondage that keep us from finding inner freedom.

With proper attention, we notice the consequences of our thoughts and behaviors, and learn to discern which activities of the mind are skillful and which ones are not. To step back or to probe deeply and investigate like a surgeon, that's an individual matter.

Actually, not just an individual matter, to be settled once and for all, but rather a moment to moment decision that needs to be constantly re-evaluated depending on one's constantly changing states of mind. I know for myself, there are days when I tend to be more on the tense side, and a relaxed attitude is what I need to cultivate. Other times, when the mind is dull or not concentrated enough, I need to err more on the side of putting effort into concentrating and gathering my thoughts. Also, when the hindrances are strong and threaten to take over both mind and heart, I need to be extra vigilant and take a very active role with the thoughts. Hearing Blanche Hartman, "No, not getting into that train [of thoughts]."

We Must All File On

2011-09-04T04:00:00.000-07:00

The old man was in pain, and I was called to check on him. When he first got here, he was able to make it to the dining room some times. Not so, now. He has been confined to his bed, with the oxygen machine as his constant companion. Pillows, lots, behind his back, between his head and the side wall. It's hard being comfortable, and it's the best that can be done.

I asked if I could sit, and he said yes.

How about the pain, I wondered? He grimaced. "An 8, it comes and goes, can I get more medicine?" Folks on hospice always want more meds. More morphine, more Vicodin, more Klonopin, more . . . How come we the living well get to decide when and how much? Who makes these laws? I get angry when I see all the suffering that comes with some endings. The hospice nurse had been called, and we had to wait.

I asked if I might touch his hand, and he said yes.

The old man is usually not very talkative, but this time was different, and he proceeded to tell me his whole life story. A sad one, filled with many tragedies, and also marked by great resilience in the face of so much adversity. The old man was not able to attend school, but he had spent his life in books, to make up. I got treated to Schopenhauer and Shakespeare, and this from Ella Wheeler Wilcox:

But one by one we must all file on. Through the narrow aisles of pain.

"The young ones, they don't think about it, but one day they too will have to file on". The old man looked at me. And I told him I knew, yes, one day my turn would come also when I would have to file on, through the narrow aisles of pain, I was very aware. The old man seemed to get comfort from knowing that we all got our turn. "Such is life . . . and I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up."

I asked if I should stay a bit longer, and he said yes.

Serena was playing a good game of tennis. I adjusted the TV so that the old man could have a better look. "Once, I was able to run, and jump like her . . ."

Future, Past and Present

2011-09-02T09:49:00.000-07:00

The majority of my time is spent thinking, worrying about, planning for the future. Another big chunk goes to thoughts about the past, usually regretting, remembering, rehashing, lots of re-(s) . . . Rarely, am I being here, in this moment, open to the whole experience of smell, sight, touch, hearing, tasting, and yes, thinking also.

Ayya Khema says, "We have to learn to actually experience living in the present".

Deafening sound of cars roaring on El Camino freeway, nauseating perfume of woman standing next to me, impatience of waiting for the AT&T store to open so I can get my iPhone fixed, a slight pinch in the lower back, contraction in fingers holding pen, some excitement about writing this post, a mixture of pleasantness and unpleasantness. Being in this present moment.

How do I (we) learn?

Through sustained attention, noticing again and again the mind's tendency to escape into thoughts. And through wise investigation of the suffering that comes attached. Sadness of moments not fully lived, this precious life wasted away, bit by bit. Superfluous, self-created anxiety about imaginary future. Craving for a different experience other than current one, and buried in it the seed of guaranteed unhappiness.

Another moment. This time, noticing knots in stomach, bitterness in the mouth, street noise still, lots of it. Annoyance at the woman with the stinky perfume. "When are they going to open? Is it time yet?". Unpleasantness. Being in that present moment.

How about you? Where do you dwell most? In the present? Or do you get lost in thoughts? Do you favor the past, or the future?

Creating A Mindful Society

2011-09-01T04:00:00.000-07:00

I am gladly spreading the word about the upcoming 'Creating a Mindful Society' conference that will take place in New York on October 1st. The conference is organized by Jon Kabat-Zinn and Saki Santorelli from U Mass Center for Mindfulness, Mindful.org, and Omega Institute. I had the privilege of spending one week with with Jon and Saki earlier this year for their annual professional retreat at Mount Madonna, and I have great respect and fondness for them both.

The event is meant to address the spreading impact of mindfulness on many aspects of our culture: business, health care, education, behavioral health, parenting, government . . . Here are Jon and Saki, giving us a little taste of the conference:

I will not be able to attend, but I will certainly be there in spirit. I hope YOU can make it!

Cleaning Up This House

2011-08-31T07:31:00.000-07:00

It is relatively easy to see and decide with clear mind, not this, not that.

A whole other matter is ridding the body from the accumulated imprints of years of hindrances, left unchecked. The causes of the original tensions are long gone, but their effects linger in the stomach, in the throat, the shoulders, the neck, the jaws . . . This is when the mind needs to help the body. Being with the discomfort, and little by little releasing the long held constrictions, the clinging against, or for something.

The cleaning-up process, the purification process I have talked about, takes place in the mind. but you will also find you need to remove some old debris that has accumulated in the body because of our psychological responses.

Imagine a person has been living in a room for the past twenty or thirty years and has never bothered to clean it. All the leftover food, all the dirty clothes, all the rubbish that's accumulated now reaches up to the ceiling. Trying to live among that rubbish is extremely unpleasant. But the room's inhabitant doesn't even notice it, until one day a friend comes along and says, "Why don't you clean up?" So together they clean up a little corner. Then our imaginary person finds that it's far more comfortable and easy to live in that clean corner. Now they start to clean out the whole room until eventually they can look out of the windows and get a better view and also find room enough to move. Feeling more comfortable, the person can use the mind freely without having to attend to any bodily discomfort.

The house we live in is our body. It doesn't matter how many times we move from town to country, from apartment to home, from home to a room, or even from one country to another. We takes this body with us until it completely deteriorates, decays, and becomes a heap of bones, and then only dust. Until that happens, we carry it along with us wherever we move. Its' this house that we need to make a little more spacious and at ease.

The psychological accumulation of obstructions and blockages has been deposited by our emotional responses. Mind has put them there, so mind can also remove them. In our meditative procedure this means "knowing the feeling, not reacting, then letting go of it."

~ Ayya Khema, Being Nobody, Going Nowhere ~

Retraining the mind, and consequently the body, one moment at a time. "Knowing the feeling, not reacting [in mind, and body], then letting go of it." The big challenge as I have experienced it, is having the courage to consciously explore the dirty old house, and feel the whole unpleasantness that's attached to it.

Body Sitting, Quiet, Being Breathed

2011-08-29T22:07:00.000-07:00

'Body sitting, quiet, being breathed.' These words have become my mantra, as I sit, meditating. They help set the precise tone for practice, away from 'I', into the pure experience of sensing body. I also use those same words while guiding others. Ruth's words . . . I have made them my own.

I am also very fortunate to spend much of my time in an environment filled with the embodied presence of 'Body sitting, quiet, being breathed'. When one becomes old and frail and forgetful, 'Body sitting, quiet, being breathed' gets forced upon one's way of being.

Whenever I succumb to being too busy, sooner or later, the sight of an elder patiently sitting stops me. And I remember the spacious place where awareness reigns, outside of thoughts. How am I feeling? What is happening in the body? What am I hearing? Where is breath? Becoming reacquainted with myself.

Every day at work, one hundred Buddha-likes to inspire me with their live images of 'Body sitting, quiet, being breathed' . . . I am so lucky.

A Useful Twist on Loving Kindness

2011-08-28T07:44:00.000-07:00

Rereading Ayya Khema's jewel of a book, Being Nobody, Going Nowhere, I discovered a new, and very useful twist on loving kindness meditation. Right after starting to focus on the breath, and before setting the intention of loving kindness into the heart, Ayya Khema instructs us to:

Take a look into your heart and see whether there is any worry, fear, grief, dislike, resentment, rejection, uneasiness, anxiety. If you find any of those, let them float away like the black clouds that they are . . .

This intermediate, and usually overlooked step can make all the difference between a meditation spent fighting the intended love, and one that allows it. I have observed in myself, and also others, the difficulties in being able to directly go to a loving place. First the hindrances must be dealt with and integrated into the experience. The trouble comes from wanting to force love right away and dismissing the difficult emotions that may be present.

Now, the challenge is to 'let them float away like the black clouds that they are' . . .

A Well Trained Teacher

2011-08-26T06:43:00.000-07:00

The Huffington Post just published my article on the 13 Essential Tips for Dementia Caregivers, a summary for lay people about the main principles of the Presence Care approach. Here is an excerpt of the post, regarding the mindfulness practice part of the Presence Care training:

1. Start your day with a few minutes of sitting mindfulness practice, and end the same way.

Mindfulness practice, even for a few minutes a day, can reduce stress. It is also a good way to start your day from a calm, centered place, which is what your loved one needs most from you. If you're not sure how to practice, simply find a quiet place, close your eyes, sit in an alert yet relaxed posture, take a few minutes to check in with yourself and then turn your attention to your breath. Let your body breathe, and simply watch the in and out flow of your breath. You will notice thoughts and sounds coming and going. That is a normal part of the experience. When that happens, simply return to observing the breath. Sit like this for a few minutes.

2. Incorporate mindfulness into your routines: walking, doing chores, caring for loved one, etc.

The same way you were observing your breath while sitting, you can also pay attention to the sensations of your feet on the ground while walking. You can practice while walking alone or with your loved one -- the slower the better. While washing your hands, you can become aware of the sensations of the water running over your hands. While assisting your loved one with dinner, you can focus on the experience of filling up the spoon, bringing it to the person's mouth and their experience of eating. Remember, it is about being present for the experience in the moment, all of it and regardless of what it is. You may do this as often as you want throughout the day.

3. Practice recognizing and being with your emotions, including difficult ones.

When caring for someone with dementia, you are bound to experience many -- and sometimes difficult -- emotions: grief, anger, boredom, tiredness, fear, anxiety, frustration. A very powerful and simple practice is to simply acknowledge the emotion and its physical manifestations in your body. Where am I feeling it? How does it feel? What are the sensations? Also, recognize whether it is pleasant or unpleasant and feel the whole extent of the pleasantness or the unpleasantness. And when you need a break, focus your attention on the breath and watch it come and go. Lastly, identify the thoughts that come with the emotion and see where you are getting caught. Are there changes you can make in the outside world, or do you need to change your attitude?

4. Practice loving kindness for yourself, and also for your loved one.

When the fear or the anger get to be too much, mitigate with some kind energy of your own. Think about someone, something or a place that is very dear to you. Feel the love and kindness emanating from your heart and send it to yourself. While you may not "believe" in it at first, trust that it will make its way through to you eventually. You are working on rewiring your brain, and it takes time! Quietly say something like this to yourself: "May I be at peace, may I be at ease," and repeat a few times, wishing you well. You may then send that same kind energy to your loved one, this time repeating the words, "May you be at peace, may you be at ease," wishing him or her well. This is a simple yet very powerful practice if you do it often.

[ . . . ]

What I did not mention in the article was the importance of having a teacher well trained in mindfulness practice in order for students to properly learn and integrate these practices. With the popularity of mindfulness-based classes of all sorts growing, the risk of being taught by persons with a wrong or superficial understanding of practice is also on the rise. For instance, the fact that an MBSR teacher has undergone the MBSR teacher practicum is no guarantee that that person has properly understood practice. I have met quite a few people who have come out of an MBSR program with a false impression of what it's like to do sitting meditation.

Retreating With Ruth

2011-08-22T04:00:00.000-07:00

For some time now, I have felt the need to retreat. Giving mind the space to decant, and drop below its habitual chatter.

Today, I took action and registered for Ruth Denison's upcoming Fall Women's Retreat at Dhamma Dena. Ruth is getting old, and I want to benefit from her deep wisdom, one more time. She is a living treasure not to be missed while she is still living.

Here she is, chanting and sharing with us during last year's retreat:

You would never know she was in great physical pain that day . . .

The Heart Does Not Forget

2011-08-21T08:18:00.000-07:00

A few months ago, when I first met Alberto, I used to sit with him and do all the talking, mostly about small things, who I was, his nice shirt, the weather, the food on his plate . . . All I could get from him were a few occasional nods, and on good days, some yes or no's. In Alberto's chart, it said he had schizophrenia and Alzheimer's. He understood English but preferred to speak in Spanish, and he could hardly see, only the contour of people's faces.

Alberto always sits in the same chair by the dining room window, where the noises from the busy street can be heard loud and clear.

Talking to his nephew, I discovered that Alberto had learned French during his childhood, back in Peru. When I saw him next, he echoed my "Bonjour" and seemed to perk up as I ventured a few French words here and there. "Comment ca va?" got me "Comme ci, comme ca". Alberto stared at me, and I asked if he could see me. "Just the shape of your hair." We parted with mutual "Au revoir"s and I left for ten days. A long time for someone who is not supposed to remember.

On my first day back, I stopped by the first floor dining room, to check in with another resident. "Bonjour!" Sitting nearby, was Alberto welcoming back. We started talking and Alberto wanted to know "Quel age avez vous?" I was thrilled to oblige him, and in turn asked about his age. "Quatre vingt deux ans".

Alberto sitting still, gazing at my face. I tell him I have to go now and I will see him again soon. Someone else wants my attention and I forget about Alberto.

"Au revoir". Alberto catches me as I exit the room.

Forgetfulness is a relative notion, that affects only certain parts of the brain, and certainly not the heart.

No Words to Get in the Way

2011-08-18T16:24:00.000-07:00

He and I exchange very few words. He, even less than I. Yet, there is no doubt about the love between us. Yesterday when I came up to his floor, I found him alone and sitting at an empty table. "Dr. Bob, Dr. Bob", I whispered. He kept his head down, for a while. I waited, kneeling down by his side.

Body being breathed, I honed in on the rhythm, and watched mind empty itself of expectations. There was space, lots of it.

Dr. Bob lifted his head up, and turned towards me. "Dr. Bob, it's me, Marguerite." His eyes and mine locked. I let him know "I am happy to see you", and smiled. Dr. Bob smiled back and let out a raspy "Yes." He motioned to grab my hand and squeezed it with much feeling.

Being with Dr. Bob reminds me of the times when I have been on silent retreats, and of the close bonds formed with other fellow retreatants, most of them strangers, without even exchanging a word.

We should all be more like Dr. Bob. Less talking, more heart.

What Persuaded Me

2011-08-17T22:19:00.000-07:00

I could have gotten upset today. And I chose not to. Even better, I was able to calm my friend down.

What persuaded me to dwell in peace was the memory of all the times before when I had been in similar situations. And I had let myself be had by the circumstances. Overtaken by fear, or anger.

What persuaded me to dwell in peace was the memory of how bad it had felt each time.

What persuaded me to dwell in peace was the love of this life, too precious to be wasted any longer, even for just a moment.

What persuaded me to dwell in peace was the possibility of deep, unconditional happiness, right here.

This is what happens when one pays attention, over and over again. This is the reward of practice.

Not Getting Up, Being Mindful

2011-08-16T07:46:00.000-07:00

There is a school of thought that warns to be careful with lying down practice. One can fall asleep, and then that's the end (of the meditation).

This morning, I decided to take a chance, and stay in bed a little longer, and do my morning practice right there. Sure, there was sleepiness present from a night cut short and maybe I would doze off? It would be interesting to see.

Lying down, I put my hands on my belly, and watched the ebbs and flows of breath being received, and leaving. Sleepiness, yes, to be recognized. And a host of other phenomena. The sounds of sirens, dogs yapping, neighbors' door slammed, plane passing, . . . Thoughts about work. Suffering from long held constriction in the throat, and the stomach. And back to focusing on the experience of breath caressing the hands, in and out, gently.

Another time, I might have decided to sleep in some more, and bypass morning sitting altogether. Or I would have gone with the brutal awakening of the alarm clock, forcing myself to take place on my seat.

This morning, I discovered another more gentle way to start the day.

Awakening.

The Sweetness of Anger

2011-08-14T18:16:00.000-07:00

Alone in the house, with no one else to distract me, the irritation inside came to the forefront. Body turned hot, and full of fiery energy. And surprised mind was trying its best to tap into resources of acquired wisdom.

Anger requires action, in the form of either changes in one's outer life, or inside. Most often, both. In my case, I know full well where to look, and what needs to get done. It's just that I have become complacent and I waver in my resolve. I also forget the real source, deep within myself.

Yesterday, at a conference for caregivers of persons with dementia, I met a woman, also dealing with anger. Courageous, humbled, raw, stripped of all pretenses . . . she was ready to do her work. She told me she felt bad for feeling this way. Of course, the words came easy, that assuaged her guilt some. It was so clear from the outside, that her frustration was there for a reason. She could no longer go on as she had. She needed help, and help there was, right there at the conference.

Sitting, I quickly came to the split moment when mind had to decide how to be with the anger. A friend or not? I have had my share of feelings about anger, from fear, to hate, to anger about the anger itself, to annoyance, to boredom, to impatience.

That's when I came to see anger as a good friend. Not just in my mind, but in my heart also. Anger to protect, and warn, and nag. Anger telling that not all is well. Anger not tolerating foolishness, in myself and others. Anger, formidable. A force to be reckoned with, and listened to with discriminating wisdom and a gentle heart.

Anger, so sweet.

What is your anger telling you? Are you listening?

Does It Feel Good, Or Not?

2011-08-12T08:10:00.000-07:00

Why do I spend so much time focusing on vedana?

Because learning about it and then becoming aware of it in my own meditative experience, has changed the way I dwell in each moment. Vedana was the missing piece I did not know about, and the awareness of which made the difference between being stuck, and experiencing the freedom from wholeness.

I like to hear different teachers' take on it. This morning, I reread U. Tejaniya - in Awareness Alone is Not Enough:

U Tejaniya: Vedana is an activity of the mind. There is a difference between this activity of feeling and our perception of it as pleasant, unpleasant, neutral. Vedana means feeling or 'sensing' something, feeling into something, wile pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral is our interpretation of feeling.

Student: So do we need to be mindful of this feeling process or the qualities of pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral?

U Tejaniya: We need to know both, and it is important to understand that they represent different functions of the mind, the aggregates of feeling and perception. The function of perception is to interpret feeling as pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral. The function of vedana is just to feel.

Student: That means we need to be mindful of the activity of vedana as separate and distinct from the pleasant, unpleasant, and neutral?

U Tejaniya: Yes, that's right. You can also make further distinctions between feelings. When the mind interprets a particular sensation as a bodily pleasant feeling, it will usually immediately give rise to a pleasant mental feeling. When the body sensations are interpreted as unpleasant (dukkha), it will usually give rise to an unpleasant mental feeling. The reaction to neutral feelings in the body will be equanimity.

Student: Do vedana and perception always work together?

U Tejaniya: Yes, vedana touches everything, together with consciousness and other mental factors. You experience the world through this activity of vedana.

Student: Is it difficutl to become aware of vedana? It is very subtle?

U Tejaniya: Yes, it is quite subtle. Neutral feelings are already quite subtle in comparison to pleasant or unpleasant ones. the process of vedana is even more subtle than that. It is not easy to become aware of it. Becoming aware of the mind at work takes a lot of practice; it is not an ordinary knowing, it is a very subtle understanding process.

U Tejaniya's description really speaks to my experience. There is the bodily sensing, and then the labeling of pleasant, unpleasant, or combination of both. I find the mind is programmed to hastily hone in on pleasurable or non pleasurable quality in the moment. We are pleasure seeking beings at the core, always in the process of figuring out, does this feel good, or not?

The Art of Mindful Touch

2011-08-09T22:31:00.000-07:00

My friend Irene Smith is an extraordinary healer. She practices the art of mindful touch with the dying and frail elders. I first met her at Zen Hospice, and now I get to see her in action at AgeSong where I work.

Tonight, she wrote a beautiful piece in her blog about 'Cultivating Presence in the Touch Relationship'. I encourage you to read the whole article.

Tonight, I am taking those words from Irene, and storing them into my heart:

I have to trust what I feel in my heart, what I sense through my body and trust my ability to assess clearly from this current information. I also have to trust that the person I am touching will receive my touch in the wisdom in which it is delivered, and with eyes open, I have to trust in the moment. Cultivating trust is the way to cultivating presence in the touch relationship.

Mindful touch. Yet another mindfulness practice, this time about touching the body, and the heart.

The Urge to Love

2011-08-07T17:10:00.000-07:00

Jane is up on the second floor, where folks are most challenged in their ability to communicate their needs. Jane also has a special friend, a small stuffed raccoon that she carries around. Yesterday, I stopped by and commented that this must be quite a special baby. "Yes, it is", she said, and caressed it with much feeling.

Real babies and children long gone, husband dead, friends scattered in various homes, other residents lost in their own world, the opportunities for Jane to love are scarce. Never mind, ever resourceful human spirit manages to get its needs met.

"You love him very much, don't you?" Jane turns to me and gazes at me deeply with her blue eyes and empathetically responds. "Yes, I do." and strokes her baby some more. Together we marvel at its sweet face. Does it have a name, I wonder? No, baby does not have a name, but Jane points to its glass eyes and black nose. She then puts him in its black pouch, and asks if I want to hold it for a while. Very touched to be entrusted with such a precious bundle, I thank her.

"I love you", she tells me.

The need to love never goes away.

Four Important Mind Steps

2011-08-06T22:51:00.000-07:00

A Twitter exchange with @Meryl333 got me back into reading Ayya Khema's 'Who Is My Self?', specifically the following mind sequence [page 76]:

The first aspect is "sense-consciousness", the five senses: seeing, hearing, tasting, touching, and smelling.
The second aspect is feeling, which arises from sense-contact. This feeling is either pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral [or rather a combination of pleasant and unpleasant in my experience].
The third is perception, which can also be called labeling. For example, when the feeling is unpleasant, the label is "pain".
The fourth is mental formation, or reaction. If the mind has said "pain", the reaction is usually "I don't like it", or "I've got to get away from this."
. . .
Most people are only aware of the first and the last step, the sense contact and the reaction.
. . .
We should practice in the following way: having noticed our reaction, we go back to the sense-contact that led to it. We then try to become aware again of the feeling that followed the sense-contact, and then of the mind's explanation, its labeling (dirty, disgusting, delicious, boring). Notice these two missing parts, the feeling and the label.
. . .
We can also decide to stop to the sequence at any of the four points, particularly at the perception, the labeling. Then we will notice that we are not compelled to react.

Very important stuff, worth verifying through thorough investigation of one's immediate experience.

I just wonder why Ayya Khema did away with the sixth sense-consciousness, the intellect-consciousness included in the Buddha's teachings? Today, I could see how through the cognizing of a certain idea, much unpleasantness arose. In my mind's haste, all I could notice next was the "I don't like" part. The third step eluded me completely. Following Ayya Kehma's instruction, as I go back and try to retrace all of the steps, I can now see the part about perception, and all the "pain" that I attached to the unpleasantness. Pain is a loaded word that can't just be left alone . . .

I need to spend more time at the edges between pleasantness and pleasure, and unpleasantness and pain. Letting go of the mind's habit to create stories around life cyclical ways.

When Are You Coming?

2011-08-05T02:00:00.000-07:00

"So, when are you coming?" my mother asks.

I know that she needs to be reassured, right now, that she will see us soon. Hence, the truth, very much stretched, that I shall book my plane ticket as soon as my daughter comes back from Africa. Daughter has already returned from her trip, but I figured that the Africa trip is a good excuse that my mother can readily understand. She is curious. "What is she doing there?"

I tell her, and it makes her proud to know that her granddaughter is doing good deeds. "So, tell me again, when are you coming?" She succeeds in having me pin down an approximate date. "In a few weeks, mother." That's too long of a window for her. "Can't you come sooner?"

I need to better meet her sense of urgency. "Let me see if we can come sooner. I will let you know tomorrow." She seems relieved. "How long will you be coming for?" I give her my usual answer, that which always makes her happy. "A full week, mother."

In this moment, my mother's heart rejoices. Tomorrow she will have forgotten my lie, but her heart will still be filled with the anticipation and the relief from our earlier talk.

What is real? What is not? It's up to our mind to decide . . . with love as the only guide.

Sitting 'Til the End

2011-08-04T07:55:00.000-07:00

It's a physical and a mind thing

Sitting, feeling the full effect of Mara's attack

Cold blood coursing through whole body

Throat tightening, and the usual knots in the stomach

The Buddha, too, felt the same way, minutes

before the light dawned on him

It helps to name the poisons of fear, and aversion

and to trace their source, back to the mind's doings

Thoughts about a perceived enemy, real close by,

and what might happen if, if I do this,

what might he do? and quick the wisdom to not linger

and choose a different place upon which to dwell

Loving kindness, yes, that he may be well, and at peace,

that I too, may be at peace, and at ease . . .

Not expecting too much too quickly, and feeling

the full effect from the poison, unwillingly taken

Sitting 'til the end, sitting still 'til the bell ring.

Poking Fun at Zen

2011-08-02T22:42:00.000-07:00

This video of Ruth, taken during last year's Fall women's retreat is one of my favorites!

May you enjoy . . .

Eating With a Fork or Not?

2011-07-31T09:06:00.000-07:00

He is new, only has been at the community for a few days. And it has not been easy for him to get used to the place. Every time we meet, George's got tears, silent tears. A grown man, with a long, good life behind him, crying for his family, and the other home he just left. He's trying to make sense of his new environment. Friendly faces, many, take turn trying to make him feel better, and telling him that he is much loved, and that he will be ok. George keeps on crying.

Finally, he calms down, and agrees to sit down for dinner. A plate of pasta is placed in front of him, and George starts eating, with his hands. Pieces of beef escape down onto his bib, and then the floor. I grab a fork and ask if he would like me to help? George does not seem to hear, and continues. His hands are dripping with sauce. Residents at the next table are giving us looks. Meanwhile, my brain is spinning out thoughts. About my mother-in-law telling me the story of her neighbor who had ended up eating like an animal. About my daughter when she first learned how to eat on her own, and how she used her hands, just like George. I did not mind the messiness then, I even took pictures to capture the memory. Thoughts about expectations of how we are supposed to behave as adults. Then wondering what does George need most, at this moment? To eat on his own still, with his bare hands? Or to be assisted, having someone else guide food into his mouth? Neither a perfect solution.

Alzheimer's is not fun (many of the times). It's not pretty. And it rips one's heart open. It also makes us question some of our most basic assumptions of how life is to be lived. What is more important? To preserve George's remaining control over his eating experience? or to keep things neat, and 'civilized'? What does it mean to be civilized, anyway? The fork is a product of our Western culture, a late addition in our evolution, and a rather contrived tool that is being shunned by over a billion people.

The mind, stripped away from its superficial layers, shows itself naked, at last. Crying heart and hands made for grabbing food . . .

No wonder, I felt so alive, sitting next to George, fork laid down to rest.

Six Questions About Emotions

2011-07-28T22:48:00.000-07:00

In the midst of a pleasant walk through the park, something my friend said changed my mood from sweet to unpleasantly hot. I had the presence of mind to acknowledge the anger rising, and its disastrous effect on my happiness. Not good, I thought. No need to linger in this state. Quick, wise mind traced back the chain of causes and effects, down to the real culprit, inside. I had been down that road with him many, many times before, and the options were clear. To feed the anger some more with unwise thoughts, or to cool it with what would do me good. I chose the latter, with great difficulties, I must admit . . .

When dealing with emotions, U Tejaniya suggests that we ask ourselves the following questions:

"When I am having this emotion, does it make my body and mind feel good or bad? "

In this case, bad. Nothing pleasant about having this anger.

"What is the emotion about, what is it directed towards?"

Anger had to do with expectations I had about how my friend should behave towards me.

"Why am I having this emotion?"

'Shoulds' have a bad rap in cognitive therapy, and for a good reason. Expectations are a sure recipe for unhappiness, and its cohort of miserable emotions. Here, anger.

"Is having this emotion necessary or unnecessary?"

Unnecessary. I often think of, what if this was the moment of my last breath, would I want to spend it that way.

"Who is angry?"

This idea of me as a person with a whole lot of baggage. Mind burdened with expectations (see above), cravings, clinging, insecurities, foolishness . . .

"What is anger?"

A creation of the mind. Mind turning on itself, and taking the body along with a host of unpleasant sensations - shallow breath, hotness and aches in the head, tight throat, knots in stomach . . .

If too much to remember at once, start with just the first one. It will take you far in the investigation of emotions. Nothing like finding out for ourselves what works, and what doesn't, to make the right choice.

Anger = unpleasantness = not worth clinging to.

A Few Bits of Wisdom From Ruth

2011-07-25T14:53:00.000-07:00

I just got words that Ruth Denison's new website was up, thanks to the efforts of a few members of the Dhamma Dena sangha.

Picture of Ruth during the Fall 2010 women's retreat at Dhamma Dena

While wandering through the site, I came across some of Ruth's prized gems:

If you live in the present, there is no future.

Each moment is different, there is a hidden jewel in every one.

Notice your awareness. Endless are the ways to be attentive.

Be open and accept whatever arises with the clarity of attention—without liking or disliking.

Seeing comes from inside to outside, not from outside to inside.

Witness life within you. Not “my” life, since there is no possessor. Direct the observing mind to where the sensations are—to the energy field.

Let the silence of the mind receive the energy of the body.

When we use the breath to quiet the mind, craving ceases.

Don't let thinking rob you of your experiences.

Meditation is not a search for something; rather it is a journey to discover what is here.

Lacking awareness of our true nature leads to insecurity and fear.

My favorite reflection is the one before last. Echoing Ruth's teaching, I have found such freedom in giving up the quest for a better state, and instead shifting the practice to curious investigation.

What is your favorite quote in the list?

PS - I am seriously considering attending part of Ruth's Fall retreat. Anyone else is interested?

What's Up With the 'I'?

2011-07-24T07:43:00.000-07:00

Nothing like having a few narcissists amongst one circle, to heighten one's awareness of the pathetic nature of an 'I' run amok. This week, I had the opportunity to spend time with two such persons. As to be expected, there was much self-referential speech to be endured. With great interest, I watched myself go from annoyance, to boredom, to pity, to curiosity.

And came up with a question.

Why this need to continuously feed the mind with thoughts about an inflated self?

To the extent that we are all narcissists to various degrees, the mirror presented by the narcissistic person can be very useful. Looking inside, during times when thoughts arise about speech or actions in support of 'me', I usually find an emptiness yearning to be filled. Lots of clinging there . . . The challenge of practice lies in not indulging the thoughts and choosing instead to sit with the anxiety.

This morning I found a young one yearning for connection.

The heart, once convinced of the futility of this 'I' business, becomes free to explore its full blown delusion, and the heavy price it exacts on one's (and others') happiness.

What is your experience of the 'I'? How much do you need to feed it?

Why Thoughts Matter So Much

2011-07-21T16:26:00.000-07:00

Found in Twitter stream, this morning:

What we think or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only thing of consequence is what we do.~John Ruskin

I had to respond with a vehement no:

What we think has big influence on state of our mind and happiness, regardless of followed or not by actions.

Case in point, as I watched earlier the effect of a few unwholesome thoughts on my overall state. Mind darkening, stomach constricting, and increased unpleasantness. Each contributing to unnecessary suffering.

And why, it is so important to guard the mind, and clean it up whenever the hateful or angry thoughts sneak in:

Found a few unwholesome thoughts upon waking up - putting a halt and replacing instead with wise ones, taking care of mind.

Oh! the happiness of a purified mind . . .

The Old Age Home Contemplation

2011-07-20T07:23:00.000-07:00

For greater mindfulness, one can heed the Buddha's advice and go to the cemetery:

(1) And further, monks, as if a monk sees a body dead one, two, or three days; swollen, blue and festering, thrown in the charnel ground, he then applies this perception to his own body thus: "Verily, also my own body is of the same nature; such it will become and will not escape it."

Thus he lives contemplating the body in the body internally, or he lives contemplating the body in the body externally, or he lives contemplating the body in the body internally and externally. He lives contemplating origination-factors in the body, or he lives contemplating dissolution factors in the body, or he lives contemplating origination-and-dissolution-factors in the body. Or his mindfulness is established with the thought: "The body exists," to the extent necessary just for knowledge and mindfulness, and he lives detached, and clings to nothing in the world. Thus also, monks, a monk lives contemplating the body in the body.

(2) And further, monks, as if a monk sees a body thrown in the charnel ground, being eaten by crows, hawks, vultures, dogs, jackals or by different kinds of worms, he then applies this perception to his own body thus: "Verily, also my own body is of the same nature; such it will become and will not escape it."

Thus he lives contemplating the body in the body...

(3) And further, monks, as if a monk sees a body thrown in the charnel ground and reduced to a skeleton with some flesh and blood attached to it, held together by the tendons...

(4) And further, monks, as if a monk sees a body thrown in the charnel ground and reduced to a skeleton blood-besmeared and without flesh, held together by the tendons...

(5) And further, monks, as if a monk sees a body thrown in the charnel ground and reduced to a skeleton without flesh and blood, held together by the tendons...

(6) And further, monks, as if a monk sees a body thrown in the charnel ground and reduced to disconnected bones, scattered in all directions_here a bone of the hand, there a bone of the foot, a shin bone, a thigh bone, the pelvis, spine and skull...

(7) And further, monks, as if a monk sees a body thrown in the charnel ground, reduced to bleached bones of conchlike color...

(8) And further, monks, as if a monk sees a body thrown in the charnel ground reduced to bones, more than a year-old, lying in a heap...

(9) And further, monks, as if a monk sees a body thrown in the charnel ground, reduced to bones gone rotten and become dust, he then applies this perception to his own body thus: "Verily, also my own body is of the same nature; such it will become and will not escape it."

` The Nine Cemetery Contemplations, from Satipatthana Sutta: The Foundations of Mindfulness `

Or one can spend time in an old age home, or a hospice, and witness day after day, the inevitable deterioration of body and (often) mind, that comes with death approaching.

Hence, coming to the same deep realization:

Truly, also my own body is of the same nature; such it will become and will not escape it . . .

Truly, also my own mind is of the same nature; such it might very well become . . .

Service work, it's good for the ones we serve. It's also one of the most powerful spiritual practices to help one attain freedom from greed, hate and delusion.

Free No More

2011-07-18T23:30:00.000-07:00

So many freedoms most of us take for granted:

The freedom to sleep in
The freedom to take a long bath
The freedom to pick which clothes to wear
The freedom to work and feel useful
The freedom to decide when to eat and what
The freedom to get on the bus
The freedom to pull weeds in the garden
The freedom to go out for a walk, whenever
The freedom to have a glass of wine
The freedom to be alone, or not
The freedom to spend money on small things
The freedom to pick up the phone
The freedom to drive places, any place
The freedom to stay up late
The freedom to choose

So many freedoms millions of people in our country do not have. They are not in prisons, but they might as well be. They are the millions of (mostly) elders living in long-term care institutions.

And Life Goes On

2011-07-17T09:01:00.000-07:00

I stopped by her room
and saw nothing different,
other than labored breath, and stiff body.
The doctor was on the phone,
ordering some meds.
Aides were going about
their usual after dinner routine.
Betty's roommate got swiftly changed
and put to bed.
The dimming light signaled another day,
ready to end.

I went home to have dinner with my friend.
We ate and talked and laughed.
One last check into work mail,
and I learned the news that Betty had passed.

The next day I stopped by her room,
and found no sign left of her,
other than two family pictures,
and her hospital bed, stripped of the old sheets,
and not yet remade.
A new family came to check available rooms.
Shared rooms.
They peeked in, and liked what they saw.
"It's so bright. Our mother would do well here."

Five Easy Ways to Derail One's Mindfulness Practice

2011-07-16T07:50:00.001-07:00

How easy it is for the mind to rationalize not practicing, or practicing less and less!

Outer circumstances have made it a bit more challenging for me to sit every morning as I usually do. Lots of stress, many balls to juggle, some difficult people to deal with . . . There has been objective reasons for why I have not be sitting so diligently, or for less time.

Ever resourceful mind has found ways to maintain the illusion of ardency in my practice, even using trusted teachings to lend credibility to my waning practice. One can only be deluded for so long however! At some point, more and more self-created unhappy thoughts creep in, and the extra-suffering opens the door to clear seeing.

Minding the ways that one can so easily slip out of mindfulness practice:

The first one:

"I can practice all the time. No need to sit." (Andrea Fella)

The second one:

"No need to wait for the timer to ring. I can just let the sitting unfold, naturally. Ending when the mind calls for it.'' (U Tejaniya)

The third one:

"Sitting, walking, standing, swimming, driving, cooking, talking . . . no difference. All opportunities to practice, just different activities." (the Buddha)

The fourth one:

"Short times, many times." (Mingyur Rinpoche)?

The fifth one:

"I am going through an emotional storm. Reflection, not sitting is what is called for during this time." (Ayya Khema)

Notice the half-truth in all these thoughts. Hence the danger. The reality is yes, these are all accurate. And they also do not dispense one from the unavoidable practice of sitting still for long enough every day. Training the mind, leaving it enough time to settle to clearly see the hindrances, the true nature of life unsatisfactoriness, the emptiness . . .

Guarding the mind from itself.

What are some of the ways that you slip out of practice?

More Good Reasons to Practice Mindfulness

2011-07-13T07:14:00.000-07:00

A coworker came to work walking really slow yesterday. Turns out, she had not watched her step in the parking lot, and tripped on one of the cement car bumpers. The immediate consequences were a bad fall, and a big scare. The next day, she woke up with her entire left side blackened and a horrible pain in her chest. At the emergency room, she was told she had fractured her ribs.

It could have been worse. She could have fallen on her head or broken her back.

This is what happens when the mind is not present.

Mindfulness practice is not just a means towards increased happiness. It is also an insurance against unnecessary pains, big and small. Accidents, costly oversights, words spoken too fast, broken friendships, bad decisions, missed appointments, lost wallets . . . Can you think of times when not being mindful caused you much grief?

Watching each step, each breath, each thought, each word, each emotion.

Being mindful.

Getting On With the Full Program

2011-07-11T01:00:00.000-07:00

Lurking behind every aversive thought,
every constriction in the body,
every annoyance in the heart,
I almost always find
the implicit expectation of something else,
another reality wished for
and not to be had in this moment.
And beneath it all, the firmly planted delusion
of life just as I would like it to be
with no pain, no unpleasantness, no bad surprises,
no old age, no sickness, no death, no earthquakes,
no downturn . . .
I sit and I wonder, when shall I become wise,
and get on with the full program?
When?

Taking It Easy With Aversion

2011-07-10T01:00:00.000-07:00

This week I have not been able to make it to the end of my 30' daily sitting meditation. Too much unpleasantness, and aversion to the experience. After a while, it gets to be too much, and I need to take a break.

Here is what U. Tejaniya has to say about aversion:

When you experience aversion, recognize it and then change to a neutral object like the breath or some physical sensation. Watch this for a while to calm the mind, then look at the aversion again for a while - just keep going back and forth. Many yogis find it too difficult to watch the mind continuously. As long as we don't have real wisdom, as long as we depend on bringing in wisdom intellectually, we will have to use a samatha practice to calm the mind.

Now remembering my interview with Ruth, and her advice to not linger on the aversion for too long. Going instead to the breath, or the hands.

Why one needs to hear the teachings over and over again. Otherwise the mind forgets . . .

Is Social Volunteering the New Hip Thing?

2011-07-09T07:32:00.000-07:00

This week, I had the pleasure to meet Heidi, a young event planner interested in volunteering for our community. Heidi is coming with a group, her group. She has convinced 30 of her single friends to join her in giving some of their time to the elderly. A few hours, one Saturday a month, working side by side, and then getting together for dinner afterwards.

Heidi is part of a new movement in volunteering. They are young, hip professionals who want to do good and have fun at the same time. They are the same folks with an active social media presence.

I can smell a new startup in the making, a social volunteering network that would combining social media, old-fashioned volunteering, and youthful spirit.

Life's Not Fair and Other Wisdom

2011-07-06T22:57:00.000-07:00

My friend who works with me told me she was sad. "There is just so much suffering out there." Her job is to welcome enquiring families looking to transition their loved ones to an assisted living place. Listening to her stories for the week, I was struck by the cruelty of life for some of us, particularly towards the end. They are 59, 86, 45 , 61, each with his/her own tragedy, a massive stroke, Parkinson's, a bad fall, Alzheimer's. Different blows, same devastating results: body, broken; mind, failing; dreams, halted; savings, wiped out . . .

There is no telling which one of us will be dealt a bad card, and when.

Meanwhile, appreciating what is being given, and could be taken away, any moment. The ability to walk. The pleasure of a perfect spring day in San Francisco. The satisfaction from meaningful work. The joy of friendships. The safety of a good mind. The sanctuary of my own home. The energy of youth.

And most of all gratitude for the sinking realization of impermanence, and the gift of wisdom.

Double Take on Loving Kindness

2011-07-04T15:00:00.000-07:00

Jack Kornfield, Ayya Khema, Gil Fronsdal, Sharon Salzberg, Ruth Denison, Jon Kabat-Zinn, six teachers . . . all big fans of loving kindness.

U Tejaniya has a different take, worth listening to:

For some people, to practise metta bhavana when they are angry can create an internal conflict. For them it does not work. What is real is the anger, and trying to intellectually suppress it won't help. I tried to send metta to people when I as angry with. But now my wisdom just cannot accept it. My wisdom tells me: "Be real! Watch the anger! Understand the anger!" It feels like the mind is trying to lie to itself. I have done quite a lot of metta bhavana in the past, even practiced all night long and got into absorption, into really blissed-out states for a whole day, but it did not make me a less angry person. The moment I stopped practicing I was full of anger again.

After I had been practicing satipatthana at home for many years, continuously watching all mental activities, I started having periods during which there was really no more dosa in the mind. Then it was easy to send metta to anyone - no problem. My teacher would sit until his mind was really peaceful and only then send metta. Because then it was real metta. Only if you have money in your pocket, can you give some away

[. . .]

The metta I would like you to have is real metta, not the kind you try to create for yourself or towards someone else. If there is no dosa, then metta, mudita, karuna, and upekkha all become possible, and you can radiate as much metta as you like. Metta grows our of adosa and it is therefore more important to acknowledge, observe, and understand dosa than to practice metta. I emphasize this point of first dealing with the dosa because it is real.

[. . .]

I always tell yogis who want to practice metta to be aware of themselves while they are doing it. When you are observing yourself while sending metta, you are doing satipatthana. Watch your mind at work sending metta; check whether you really feel metta. Then you will also notice if you are angry and that it is really difficult to send any metta when you are angry.

I think I see U Tejaniya's point. There are times when it gets tough inside, and I decide to be easy on myself, and I give into the sweetness of metta, just to give the heart a break. Times when fear threatens to take me down, or when the heat of anger needs to be cooled. Investigation stopped, and instead, a deliberate cultivation of wholesomeness in the mind. The big question raised by U Tejaniya is of whether it would not be more wise to continue the investigation of the fear, or the anger. Getting down to the bottom of the hindrances, until they get dissolved completely through wise, sustained attention.

I also fully ascribe to the value of substituting unwholesome thoughts with wholesome thoughts. Responding to the state of fear with thoughts about peace, and ease. Responding to the anger with well wishing thoughts about happiness, and well-being. The neuroscientists have confirmed the Buddha's findings, that the brain can be rewired through the cultivation of specific thoughts.

Maybe there is a middle road here? To practice metta, WHILE at the same time continuing to be very aware of the hindrances still present, and their effect on one's happiness. Also to know one's limits, and have compassion for one's aching heart. Holding the fear, and the anger as a mother would hold her unhappy child. The idea being not to substitute the anger with love, but to envelop it with love, giving it space to move. Coming full circle with U Tejaniya's point about wisdom.

Metta by itself, no. Metta with wisdom, yes.

"I Have Three Titles"

2011-07-03T08:20:00.000-07:00

Every night, same story. A few spoons of pureed substance, a few sips of chocolate Ensure and Mr. Wang is done with dinner . . . "Did I eat enough? I want to go to my room." Efforts to feed him only result in more frustration. Mr. Wang cannot wait to sleep away his sadness.

Body wasting away, and down to a mere ninety pounds. Mind no longer to be trusted for remembering the simple things. Wife of sixty years at home and also wasting away, although in a different way. Family visiting, some times. The reality is Mr. Wang does not have much to live for, anymore.

Watching all signs of life seemingly withdraw in one such as Mr. Wang, a natural response is to believe what's being presented, and to not engage.

Tonight was different. I asked him what kind of work he used to do, and was surprised to see him smile. "I have three titles, in engineering." It turns out Mr. Wang had a long career as a gifted engineer, after graduating from one of the best universities. He used to build bridges. As he tells his story, I notice Mr. Wang emptying his plate. First goes the mashed up beef, then the zucchini, then the rice. He finishes up the chocolate pudding, and gulps down half of the Ensure. There is no more talk of him going back to his room. When one of the other residents starts entertaining us with a story, Mr. Wang breaks into a laugh. "She has a sense of humor." We joke about the woman's imperious personality. "She is my professor!"

Taking it up a notch, we ask if he would be willing to advise us on the 'engineering' problems we have in the building. "Sure, I have three titles . . ."

Being a Mother

2011-07-02T22:49:00.000-07:00

The reality did not hit until earlier tonight. She is driving cross-country, by herself. And she is trying to make it in record time. And she is trying to save money and was talking about sleeping in her car at night. To appease us, she made a reservation at Hostel 66. For how many nights, I am not sure.

Late afternoon she was in Arizona, aiming for Albuquerque.

Sitting still, I watch the mind go nuts, and the throat tighten, and the stomach clinch, and fear spread through my whole body. And all my accumulated wisdom about the value of being in this moment, and of not giving into useless anxiety becomes of little use.

This is what being a mother does.

Being With the Knot

2011-06-30T07:09:00.000-07:00

For years, before I knew about clinging, I used to hate the part of my body where tightness could be felt so strongly. Right in the pit of my stomach, a knot to remind me that not all was well. Intuitively, I knew there was more to the knot than just nerves. And I fancied a time when I could be without 'it'.

Then along came mindfulness practice. Under the lens of meditation, the knot made itself felt even more. And along with it my dislike of the physical sensation around it. Thanks to Dharma teachings, I could make the connection in my head. Knot equal clinging in the mind to what is not worth clinging to.

From intellectual understanding to realization, though, lied a great divide. The more I sat with the knot, the more I hated the thing, and the stronger its grip. Another more subtle form of clinging had inserted itself. Deluded by the validation from the teachings, about the worth of a knot-free state, I mistakenly chased after an idea in opposition to the truth of the present moment.

Lately, I have had a change of heart about the knot. Sitting this morning, I could 'see' its sacred nature. This is the place where truth resides. This is where gentle investigation needs to happen.

Only Thirty Minutes, That's All

2011-06-29T07:33:00.000-07:00

A comment made in passing by Jon Kabat-Zinn has made more difference in my practice than the many Dharma talks I have had the privilege to attend.

"It's very simple. Just get up 30' early every day and sit. There is not way around it."

This said in the context of a casual conversation on his way out of this year's Wisdom 2.0 Conference.

Every morning, as I lay in bed debating whether to sleep a little bit longer, I hear Jon, and I make the choice.

Giving myself the gift of quiet sitting to start the day.

I hope you will also.

My Last Encounter With Klout and Al . . .

2011-06-27T01:00:00.000-07:00

Reading today's New York Times article on Twitter and Klout, I wasn't sure whether to laugh, or cry . . . Unbeknownst to me, and millions of other users of Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn, we are being scored in increasingly sophisticated ways on our influencing power. What started as a fresh social movement is now at risk of being perverted by the lure of money and the trap of power hungry egos.

As an experiment, I signed up for Klout and was told:

I have an overall score of 47 and I am effectively using social media to influence my network across a variety of topics. However, my Klout score has fallen in the past month and I will need to keep engaging others, and continue creating engaging content to see my Klout score rise again . . .

I have a network influence of 54 and I am engaged by influencers.

I have an amplification probability of 23 and I am more likely to have my message amplified than the average person.

I have a true reach of 1K and I have worked very hard to successfully build a large, highly engaged network.

I am an 'explorer', meaning 'You actively engage in the social web, constantly trying out new ways to interact and network. You're exploring the ecosystem and making it work for you. Your level of activity and engagement shows that you "get it", we predict you' ll be moving up.'

I influence 1130 users across the social web.

I am influential about meditation, buddhism, law of attraction (what the heck?), alzheimer's, spirituality, yoga, psychology, huffington post, journalism, blogging.

Just reading the stuff, I could feel greed and fear taking hold. Wanting a higher score. Worried that it might go down if I don't 'engage' more and in the 'right' way. More suffering . . .

And I decided this would be my last encounter with Klout and al. More important than chasing after influence is the joy of engaging in authentic, meaningful, mindful, rich, kind exchanges with other like-minded people.

Walking With Steve

2011-06-26T08:32:00.000-07:00

I noticed Steve sitting by the front desk, and wondered if he was waiting for someone to walk with him. Yes, he was. Could he wait for a bit, 'til I was done with my chore? Steve nodded patiently.

I knew the routine. Walking six blocks up to Turk street and back. Off we went. Steve walks very, very slowly, a result of his condition. I had to adjust my pace to match his, perfectly.

Steve also struggles with words, and I had to listen really hard to catch a few bits here and there. Needing to go to the bank, trying to remember the name of one of the volunteer's dog, his upper tooth giving him trouble, dream of meeting old friends at a bar he used to visit . . .

Walking, listening meditation. Being aware of the whole experience. His, mine, and the city landscape surrounding us.

Red lights to be obeyed, uneven sidewalks to be negotiated, construction site at the corner of Grove and Laguna, oblivious dogs to be averted, . . . The city landscape is full of dangers for one like Steve whose mind and body do not operate at full capacity.

'Inside', thoughts and emotions, many, rushing through. Joy of being with Steve at every step, every word mirrored back. And the sobering realization once more, of the impermanence of life. One day, I could be walking in his shoes . . . and being at the mercy of someone else's goodwill.

In the end, much gratitude for Steve, who reminded me yesterday to not take anything for granted. Oh! the freedom to go out for a walk any time I wish. The joy of letting words out exactly as I intend them to. The safety of mind that can retrieve memories as needed.

Appreciating, knowing that I am not to cling to any of it either, as it could all be taken away.

Back to Work, Mindfully

2011-06-23T09:34:00.000-07:00

Getting ready to go back to work after one-week hiatus in France, I notice a small twinge of apprehension. My workplace, any workplace is an ecosystem that is ripe for much mindfulness practice. Here are some wise seeds from U Tejaniya, collected during the flight back home.

The first seed:

Look at the thoughts you have when you do your work, look at the views and ideas you are holding, and also notice the feelings you have when these thoughts come up. You need to recognize that it is because there is too much effort that there is tension. You are using more effort than you need . . . The main reason why you are putting in so much energy is because you have anxiety . . . Now you need to understand why you are anxious. Are you not skillful in what you are doing? . . . Whenever you get these feelings of anxiety, just recognize them. Ask yourself whether it is really necessary to feel anxiety. Is it necessary to have anxiety to finish a job? . . . You need to acknowledge anxiety every time it comes up. Watching these feelings will help you understand something and this will allow your mind to let go. Remember that the purpose of vipassana meditation is not to relieve you from what is happening but to help you understand what is happening.

Watching the anxiety rise, and how it feels in the body, in the mind. Investigating the troublesome thoughts at the root.

Now, the second seed:

When there is a lot of pressure, a lot of stress, practicing becomes difficult. Try to learn from the difficulties at your workplace. What makes the mind agitated? Why do you lose mindfulness? Why does the mind become eager? Is it necessary to hurry? Investigating in this way will help you deal more skillfully with difficult situations and will prevent unwholesome mind states from taking over . . . Just do as much as you can. Take and appreciate any opportunity to practice. While you are working, try to be aware of how you feel, of what kind of mind states you experience. But don't try to focus, do it loosely, lightly. If you make too much of an effort to practice, you won't be able to do your job properly. If you focus too much on the job, you won't be able to be mindful. You need to find the right balance.

Finding the right balance. Being mindful, but not obsessively.

And the third seed:

Every time you talk to someone on the phone or when someone approaches you, try to remember to check how you are feeling. What do you think and feel about that person? Throughout the day, whether at work or not, make it a habit to always check what kind of emotional reaction you have every time you interact with another person. How do you feel when the phone rings? Is the mind eager to pick it up quickly? You need to notice these things.

Every interaction an opportunity to practice.

Last, the fourth seed:

Every time you are confronted with an angry or demanding customer, check to see how your mind feels. Their greed and aversion is their problem, you need to see whether there is greed and aversion in your mind . . . When the object is positive the mind tends to react in a positive way and when it is negative it tends to react in a negative way. It takes practice observing the mind to understand these processes. Through understanding, the mind gains a measure of stability and will no longer be so strongly affected by either negative or positive objects or experiences. As understanding matures, the mind becomes less and less reactive. it also realizes that every time it blindly reacts, it is not free. For these reasons, the mind will become more and more interested in what is going on inside and will put in more effort to investigate.

Owning one's share of reactivity and negativity, and then dropping it when the time is ripe.

Wherever your place of work, may you too reap the benefits from these few seeds, now planted in your consciousness.

The Power of Emotions

2011-06-21T01:59:00.001-07:00

During this trip away from home, and visiting family, I have found many emotions about what I left behind, and what has welcomed me here in my birth land. And I remember U Tejaniya's teaching:

But when you are experiencing strong emotions, put your energies into dealing with them; that’s the important issue at hand — forget whatever else is happening. If you ignore an emotion and try to keep track of everything else that is going on instead, it will remain at the back of your mind. But as soon as there is an opportunity, the emotion will come up again and give you a lot of trouble. The function of awareness is to recognize everything that is happening in the mind. Wisdom decides which issues need to be dealt with.

Being wise, being mindful of and investigating what needs the most attention, at this time. Lots of grief, anger, fear, sadness, and love also.

Letting Go of Her

2011-06-20T01:00:00.000-07:00

This time visiting my mother has turned into a drawn out contemplation on impermanence and grief.

Mourning the way I saw her last time six months ago, when she was still able to accompany us for dinners out at La Roseraie, our lovely hotel. Mourning her still walking. Mourning her still joining in our conversations. Mourning her talking for the hundredth time about our old farm. 'I have a beautiful house. Two cellars, three gardens. Isn't it something?" Mourning her getting drunk on one too many glasses of the local wine, the same one her father used to make. Mourning her getting excited about the dresses I bought her at the local market. Mourning her delighting in my daughters' successes at school. Mourning her, or rather the idea of her I had stored in my mind.

Time has brought a new version of her, foretelling the end near.

My mother has joined the realm of the 'sitting' people. In her mind, she can still walk, and wonders why the physical therapist is coming to help her stand and make a few steps. Seeing her in a wheelchair was quite a shock. Never mind that I work all day in an assisted living community with folks like her, many in wheelchairs. This is my mother . . . We sit with her at lunch, and encourage her to eat. "I am not hungry anymore."She takes in a few of the bites I give her, and then that's it. She is done. Her appetite is leaving her.

Inside, I get into a tug of war between grief welling up, and awareness of the truth of impermanence, so easy to see in this situation. And I sit with her and my daughter, and I choose to appreciate this moment. Sitting, being breathed, with two of my most dear people.

Many Kinds of Practices

2011-06-17T01:00:00.000-07:00

Traveling with me, a hard copy of U Tejaniya's book, Awareness Alone is Not Enough - also available for free on the Web. A gem of simple and profound wisdom, including this how to guide to the different practices for each personality types:

If you want to practice with effort, think all the good things you can, say all the good things you can, and do all the good things you can. That's for the people who are effort oriented. For them this is very effective because they like to be working.

People who are awareness oriented, people who are very alert, sharp, very aware, should spend more time practicing awareness.

Those who are wisdom oriented can make more use of the ideas of Right View and Right Thought.

People who have very good concentration can begin by doing samatha and then switch to vipassana.

Faith oriented people can start by contemplating the qualities of the Buddha, the Dhamma, and the Sangha.

The Buddha taught so many kinds of practices because there are so many different types of personalities.

Reflecting upon my practice, I find that I naturally dwell in awareness, first and foremost. Concentrating on the breath (or the body some times) is only a technique to draw the mind in the present, over and over again, for as many times as necessary to settle the mind. Within that place of awareness, comes wisdom, and the discernment from adopting right view and right thought. Last is right effort, purifying the mind each time defilements and unwholesome thoughts arise. And occasionally, I do reflect on the Buddha, Dhamma, and Sangha, as inspirations for the practice.

Hence, my inclination to reframe U Tejaniya's last statement:

The Buddha taught so many kinds of practices, because depending on the time and place, the mind has different needs, that require different types of practices.

What is your experience of practice? How does it align with U Tejaniya's teaching?

Which Type Are You?

2011-06-16T07:38:00.000-07:00

Rather than continually blaming outer circumstances for my bad moods, I need to face the truth. I am what Jack Kornfied refers to as an aversion type. Knowing this comes as a relief. I am what I am, and there is no need to resist or add even more aversion to the fact that this is how my psyche works.

From one of Jack's interview on the topic:

I've talked on some nights about Buddhist personality typology, which is based on our responses that come out of the sense of separateness itself; and the three roots in Buddhist psychology are the greed type, the aversion type, and the deluded type. Just to remind you in a simple way, we all have all of it in us. I'm a great example of the greedy type. The general response of the greedy type is to go into a new situation and see what we like about it, and see how we might get more of it, what's lovely about it or what we appreciate. Forget the rest. Now, the aversion type -- my wife is more in that category -- is somebody who goes into a situation and sees what's wrong with it, which is a very different response, painted wrong, the colors are wrong, and people are behaving wrong, and so forth. And then the deluded type whose tendency is to go into a new situation and not know what to make of it, not know what their place is. Does this make sense to you? Do you understand these types of either wanting or being critical or not knowing your place in it?

Of course aversion and greed are two sides of the same coin. Not far behind aversion is the greed for the opposite of the disliked experience. Today, is not liking being jet lagged after a long trip from San Francisco to Paris. And the wish for a rested state when body and mind could fully engage.

I can see where I got to be so hooked on aversion. Both my father and mother were negative people who always saw the wrong in people and situations. Growing up, I remember hating the overall climate in our family, and swearing to myself that one day, I would apprehend life differently. Of course, I was underestimating the conditioning power of childhood family dynamics . . .

The freedom comes from recognizing the hold of one personality over the self, and not letting it take over. Today, not liking the tiredness, and being with the not liking, and also appreciating the many blessings from this moment. Birds, many of them, taking turn to delight the ears. The wind, softly caressing the back of the neck, the hands. Flowers galore, to please the eyes. Joy of sitting next to my daughter, while enjoying it all. Gratitude . . .

Now, I want to know, which type are you? :)