Nothing to Have

Last night was the annual Human Rights Watch Awards dinner at the Fairmont, in San Francisco. One of the highlight of the evening is the auction at the end. Prad was highest bidder for first item, a photo showing woman at decrepit maternity clinic in India. Proceeds to go to HRW Emergency Fund. I watched Prad as he raised his hand repeatedly as the bids kept coming. And I also watched myself, as I blurted out "You're crazy!". Prad's ease with the parting of his money, and my reluctance, made for an interesting teaching moment.

Over the last few days, I have had this automatic thought, "Nothing to Have". A spontaneous mantra, almost, that's taking more and more space in my mind, including this morning, during sitting. Breathing with ease. Body releasing into now. And mind repeating "Nothing to Have". A blissful state. Liking the peacefulness, and wanting it to last. Liking, wanting. Stomach interrupts, with tightness. Attention now drawn to constriction. Each breath, making room for the noose around stomach, and for feeling every bit of it. Noose moves up to head. Hmmm . . . this feels like yesterday. Headache again, and nausea. Left shoulder tense. Jaws clenching. Whole upper body's holding on, tensing onto itself.

"Nothing to Have". Certainly not money, and security. And also, other more subtle possessions, such as feeling of peace during this morning sitting. I like this quote from Joseph Goldstein, in "Voices of Insight": The Great Renunciation is really the renunciation of the paradigm of "having" as our deepest value.

A Journey Into the Heart

More work with body today. Meditation led me to stomach, once more. Using each in and out breath to feel my way through the heaviness. Image of big rock sitting at the bottom of stomach cavity. Not easily digestible. Entering the rock, being the rock, inside and all around rough surface. Taking the time to explore. Sensation of rock expanding, and moving up oesophagus. Whole chest turns into warm mass. Breathing throughout, noticing most of the breaths, and some occasional thoughts. Energy moves up to top of the head. Feeling headache, and nausea. Breathing through, getting inside the brain, feeling tension there. Deep sigh. Bell rings, too soon, interrupting process. I decide to sit a while longer. Headache requires some more attention. Staying in the head, breathing into it. There is sadness, and tears almost. Headache disappears. Instead deep sighs, and sensation of expansion in the heart. Feeling the inside of my heart. So vast. Like a large room with lots of space to wander, and be. On the far wall, I 'see' spot. Looks like a sting. Small, compared to rest of wall surface, that is undisturbed, and smooth. Feeling love.

Body as Gateway to Self-Love and More

As soon as I start paying attention, the gnawing makes itself known. Starting in the stomach, then slowly making its way up, to the throat where it gets stuck. This morning was no exception. During the half-day retreat with Gil Fronsdal this morning, I felt it during both sitting, and walking meditations. A physical sensation, that went along with feeling of frustration, and recurring fantasies of being gainfully employed, doing good for the world.

During my interview with Gil, I shared earlier dream also. After a short investigation, it became clear this all has to do with my difficulties in loving self. Gil had me do a short guided meditation, starting with sensations in body. Feeling gnawing in stomach, completely, without commentary, letting it move . . . Feeling stuckness in throat. Gil asks what does it feel like? Image of a golf ball. Exploring the roundedness, the places of contact between ball, and throat. Ball dissolving. Gil asks again, what do I feel. Expansiveness in the heart, and tears. There was a lot more to it than what I relate here, including some thoughts that I shared and discussed with Gil as they came up. The overall experience was profound, and gave me a sense of the power of laser pointed mindfulness, using body sensations as gateway to deeply held emotions. Gil suggested I continue process on my own.

Gil expanded on self-love topic, during his mini-lecture. Here are my notes:

Story of King and Queen. The King asks the Queen, who she holds most dear? Myself, she responds. Disappointed King takes matter to the Buddha, who confirms it is indeed best to hold ourselves most dear. Story shows importance of self-love. Having very positive feeling about self, self-worthiness, self-respect, . . . is what allows us empathy for others' own worthiness.

Question is how to discover love for self? In typical Buddhist fashion, do not pursue ideal directly. Instead understand what are obstacles? Obstacles to self-love are all activities of the mind, that create ideas/feelings of unworthiness. These mind activities need to be put to rest. This requires clear seeing, and more importantly feeling effects of mind in body. Once obstacles fall away, this leaves room for something else to bubble up, not necessarily self-love. Could be some inner well being, purity that does not relate to self at all. Last, it is important to look at obstacles with kindness . . .

100 Plus Attachments . . . In Just One Day

Inspired by my latest post on clinging, I was curious to find how many attachments would arise in just one day. Here is the list, one hundred and more of them, so far, from the trivial, to the monumental:

1. 85% dark chocolate
2. achievements
3. beauty
4. bed
5. bicycle
6. birds
7. bliss
8. blogging
9. body
10. books
11. brother
12. car
13. cell phone
14. challenges
15. children
16. clean air
17. cleanliness
18. comb
19. comfort
20. computer
21. convenience
22. coolness
23. creativity
24. Dharma
25. doing
26. dreams
27. dried mangoes
28. dryer
29. eating
30. electricity
31. fashion
32. feeling good
33. fitness
34. Free People clothes
35. free time
36. freedom
37. friends
38. health
39. healthy food
40. home
41. Huffington Post
42. husband
43. identity
44. incense
45. independence
46. intellect
47. intelligence
48. joy
49. 'just right'
50. life
51. Loehman's
52. looking good
53. love
54. making collages
55. meditation
56. mindfulness
57. moisturizer
58. money
59. mother
60. my office
61. nature
62. no pain
63. Nordstrom Rack
64. NY Times
65. organic fruit
66. peace
67. pen and paper
68. pleasure
69. private space
70. quiet
71. recognition
72. respect
73. routine
74. running water
75. safety
76. salads
77. security
78. sex
79. shampoo
80. shoes
81. sitting
82. sleep
83. sparkling water
84. spirituality
85. success
86. swim goggles
87. swimming
88. swimsuit
89. tea
90. teacher
91. thinking
92. to-do lists
93. toilet
94. toilet paper
95. toothbrush
96. toothpaste
97. trees
98. Twitter
99. walking
100. warm shower
101. warmth
102. wash machine
103. Whole Foods
104. wisdom
105. work
106. . . .

Obviously, the goal is not to get rid of all these attachments - although for some, it may not be a bad thing. Rather, it's about being aware of each one as it arises, and having a different relationship to it, made of appreciation, gratitude, and ease. No clinging. Not being like monkey in this Hindu story - as retold by Jack Kornfield in his book, 'Soul Food':

In India hunters had a proven way of catching monkeys. A half coconut would be hollowed out and a hole made that was only large enough to let a monkey's open hand pass through. The coconut was then pinned to the ground and tempting food placed beneath. A monkey would approach, intent on getting hold of the food beneath the coconut, but alas as soon as it grasped the food in its fist it found itself unable to pull its hand and the food free of the coconut. Imprisoned it would stay, caught by its own unwillingness to open its fist.

Now, I want to know what is your list? :)

A Whole Meditation Experience

This morning, I decided, no sitting in the main house, and running risk of being disturbed by kitchen, other domestic noises. Instead, exile into small room in the back, where it's only me, and space heater. Settling into perfect position, feet parallel, aligned with hips, only smaller back touching, head resting straight above shoulders. Timer set to usual time. I close my eyes, and wait for breath to find its rhythm. Noticing some heaviness in the heart. Breathing. Heaviness. Breathing. And comforting sound of heater. Interrupted at once by roaring of lawn mower, right there, below window. Annoyance, then thought about irony of situation. Trading kitchen noises for lawn mower :) Liking mower better. Soon breathing with noise. Liking. Mower stops. Quietness, again. Grateful for calm, enjoying gentle breath. Really liking. Aware of clinging to quiet. Breathing some more. Thinking mind interrupts, with planning thoughts. Thought, thinking mind cannot stand emptiness, loves to fill in. Thoughts step aside. Breath. Gentle, slow rising of belly, then falling. And again. Distant call from bird, heard. Followed by image of bird, soaring. Thought, thinking mind adding its two cents to pure sound. Breathing, only noticing of breathing, for a while. Until lawn mower, strikes again. Short bouts. Getting comfortable with on-off sound. Liking dance of breath with lawn mower. Oh! full bladder's asking for attention. Given. Feeling expansion. Thought, I should not have drunk tea, how much longer before bell rings? Back to breath, in the midst of crescendo of sensations. Mower, bladder, heater, train, plane, dog all joining in for ultimate climax. Not loud enough, for each breath to not be felt. Bell rings.

Hearing Anger's Call

By evening, the frustration I had felt during morning meditation, had grown into full blown anger. There was no mistaking. Body filled with hot energy, and insides seared with caustic brew, called for some urgent minding. Sitting in my favorite chair, eyes wide open, as I let myself feel the anger, completely, I heard a call to step out of my usual ways. There was light, and a loving presence that I had never before encountered. So excited I was, I had to share it in a tweet: 'sitting in silence, I almost heard the One whisper, I am here always - I swear, I did - anger was there also'.

Still fresh from this extraordinary moment, I fortuitously stumbled, upon these words from Jack Kornfield - from 'Letting Go into Our Freedom' chapter, in his book, 'Soul Food' -

In traveling this path of inner transformation, we are encouraged to let go of everything, to relinquish every form of clinging. We are encouraged to let go of preoccupations with the past, investment in the future, and clinging in the present. We are encouraged to renounce our images, expectations, fears, and guilt. We are taught that holding is the path to limitation, letting go the direct path to awakening. This letting go is what allows us to be fully present here rather than occupied with what was or what we hope for.

It may feel like a severe and formidable teaching. We may wonder if there will be anything of meaning left to us after this letting go. We may fear that we will be left passionless, empty, and directionless when we have let go of everything that used to define us. We have learned to equate being without with deprivation and being alive with loneliness. If this total letting go is the price of freedom, we may doubt if we are prepared or even able to pay it. Yet our openness repays us at every step.

In spiritual life there is no room for compromise. Awakening is non negotiable; we cannot bargain to hold on to things that please us while relinquishing things that do not matter to us. A lukewarm yearning for awakening is not enough to sustain us through the difficulties involved in letting go. It is important to understand that anything that can be lost was never truly ours, anything that we deeply cling to only imprisons us.

Yes, I have been trying to bargain with the Buddha. It ain't going to work. Anger won't let me.

I Want, I Want, I Want, . . .

Knots in stomach, tight throat, clenched jaws. Whole attentions is drawn to digestive system, while breath goes about its business. Soft, calm inhales, and exhales, moving up and down, through belly, past resistance of stomach, and oesophagus, and throat. Making room for reality of tightening, and holding on. I want. I want. I want . . . something. Not sure what, except 'it' is not part of present moment. Frustration. 'I want' becomes bigger and bigger with each breath. And so does dissatisfaction. Surge of activity in kitchen and unexpected noises threaten to push me over the edge. I want quiet. Not knives chopping stuff. Not microwave beeping. Not toaster ringing. Not spoon hitting bowl. Reality hits, along with foolishness of resisting. Stomach softens, throat relaxes. Kitchen quiet again. Front doors slams. Now, only ticking of clock, and distant hammering. And breath. Want still there, but more subdued.

Yesterday, during our neighborhood Dharma group meeting, Penny shared her experience from recent retreat, when she, for a moment, felt the bliss of being perfectly content with now, unburdened with weight of habitual wanting. So, there is hope . . . Of course, there is also the danger of wanting a want-free moment, turning into yet another want! :)