How It Wants to Be

I am a big fan of Charlotte Selver. Every day, I take in a bit more wisdom from her book, Waking up. Here is an excerpt that speaks directly to the importance of being honest with ourselves:

In exploration, whatever should offer itself as a problem is just there to be explored and to be gradually evened out, and that evening out, that resolution, comes all by itself when we accept the problem as a part of the way. It is not what you think 'should' be, but what is, that is interesting. When you have the expectation that something 'should' be in such and such a way, you will never learn what your nature wants. 

You have a very beautiful indication yourself, each one of you, which always tends toward more functioning, even if we don't understand how. It very often goes for a while through not more functioning but less functioning. In other words, the process doesn't go in a straight line, it goes only the way we can already permit something, no matter where that leads us. And when there is a 'no' in you, a barrier, don't try to force through it, but find out what wants to happen instead. In other words, follow up what happens in you. I say "what happens", not "what you try to create". Have you ever noticed that sometimes when you felt, "This is it," that a little moment later you felt, "No, it is a little more this way"? You thought you had it all, and then something more comes yet, and so on. That's the development of human nature. . . . How we start doesn't make any difference. When we come on the way we are on the way, and we continue to be on the way probably until we die. Every step which we make, and which we feel, unfolds us further. The question is whether we take the first step. [...] 

When you begin to wake up you feel more what is hindering you - what is 'not you', so to say. And only by following your own feeling can you get to what your nature actually wants. [...] There is something in us which can give us exact information as to how it wants to be. This is built into every person. We have been thoroughly educated not to listen to it. We are educated to follow that which should be, or ought to be, but not how it wants to be. How-it-wants-to-be follows our own way of orientation. The other way follows our conditioning and education, and since we are from our youth accustomed to "Father or Mother knows better," or, "Teacher knows better," we have been thoroughly deprived of trusting this inner wisdom, which each person has in himself, and follow rather the advice of others. There lies great unused richness in us which we gradually have to dig out and develop. And when you get to it you will be astonished what all comes into the open which you didn't know was there. 

A while ago, during an interview with a dharma teacher, I talked about the knot I had been carrying around for so long, in the pit of my stomach. The truth is I didn't know what the knot was about, but I let myself be led by the teacher's questioning, "What is the knot about?", and I rushed into a mind-made conclusion of 'self-hate'. Real wisdom would have been to stay with the 'I don't know', and stick to the raw experience of sensing the knot, letting it tell its story, instead of throwing an opinion at it. 

How open are you to the truth unfolding within?

Dissolving the Disruptive Self

It has now become clear, what gets in the way of peace. Sitting quietly on the usual chair, taking a walk amidst the hills behind Stanford campus, savoring a meal . . . the familiar knot makes itself felt, sooner or later. THE knot usually comes with a various of emotions, always in the unpleasant category. Anger, fear, doubt, desire, well up in the heart and obliterate the possibility of ease. Some times, out of sheer habit and long time conditioning. On other occasions, in reaction to outer circumstances, not wished for. THE knot hits me right in the stomach. 

When I sit long enough, the root cause of such unease, inevitably shows itself in the form of  thought clusters, around various facets of 'I'. I know myself well enough to have the list down by now: the competent one, the savior, the victim, the scared little girl, the worried one, the ambitious amazon, the depressed young woman, the lonely soul, the greedy one, the aversive personality . . . They show up at inopportune times. They disturb the possibility of inner happiness. The disruptive self is no more than a collection of sticky, dirty mind habits looking to attach themselves to the pure moment-to-moment experience. It takes time to disengage. 

When faced with manifestations from the disruptive self, I like to ask myself the following questions:

What facet of the self is being triggered?

Does that aspect of the self belong to this moment?

What does the resulting suffering feel like? 

Where is it being felt? in the mind, in the body?

How old is that self habit?

The older the habit, the harder to let go of. Years of stickiness cannot be undone that quickly. One needs to be patient, and kind, same one one would be with a stubborn child. One also needs to trust that persistent 'seeing', and relaxing of the bothersome thoughts and emotions will pay off in the end. 

Karma, Not Self, and Loving Kindness

Waking up in a dark mood, I did what I knew to be best for this kind of condition. 

I sat still and let myself be with all the unpleasantness. The grief, the sadness, the regrets, the guilt, and the many torturing thoughts to go with such emotions. I felt the full blown impact of negative karma from actions performed years ago, the effects of which continue to linger. And I decided to drop the guilt part, and to make the best of the situation. Negative karma is a great teacher, a constant reminder of the potency of every one of our thoughts, and actions. I cannot take back the past. I can choose however to live this moment, the best way I know how, guarding the mind from unskillful thoughts, and thinking twice before acting. Reflecting upon the fifth remembrance: I inherit the nature of my actions in body, speech and mind. My actions are the ground on which I stand. 

Karma set aside, I also pondered the fourth remembrance: All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them. It helped knowing that what I was going through, was not personal. Family ties, even those I had thought so solid, are subject to the law impermanence, just like anything else. Nothing to be taken for granted, even the love of dearest ones.

Sitting some more, I noticed something else. I saw that each thought centered around 'me', 'I', and 'my' feelings, and with each such thought, a progressive tightening of mind, heart, and body, leading to even more suffering. There was no point continuing. Mind was becoming convinced of 'No 'I', no problem', and. the heart was yearning for loving kindness. Time for 'thou' and 'we'.

'May she be well, may she be at peace, and at ease.' I imagined estranged loved one, and I saw her suffering, and I wished for her heart to soften and her mind to let go. Heart welled up with much love and its own release. I was on a roll. Next came loving intention for another, one whose unconsciousness  has caused me much pain. That he too may be well, and free from reactivity. 'May he be well, may he be at peace, and at ease.' A few more faces surged in my mind, and heart continued its work, ending with giving myself some loving kindness also. 

The clouds lifted, almost completely. Only left, were a bit more wisdom, a bit more compassion for myself, and others. 

We are all trying.

One Underlying Tendency

Tonight, prompted by a 'bad day' made even worse by mind's reactivity, I went down Ayya Khema's list of the seven underlying tendencies, those deep rooted personality traits that keep on tripping us, over and over again. Here is the list:

Sensuality is part and parcel of a human being and shows itself in becoming attached and reacting to what one sees, hears, smells, tastes, touches and thinks. One is concerned with what one feels and has not yet come to the understanding that the sense objects are only impermanent phenomena arising and passing away. When this lack of profound insight is still prevalent, one ascribes importance to the impressions which come in through the senses. One is drawn to them and seeks pleasure in them. When the senses are still playing an important part in a person, there is sensuality. Man is a sensuous being. 

Where there is sensuality, there is also irritation, the two go hand in hand. Sensuality is satisfied when the sense contact impingement was pleasant. Irritation arises when the sense contact was unpleasant. It doesn't have to issue as anger, shouting, fury, hate or even resistance. It's just irritation, which results in being displeased, feeling ill-at-ease and restless. It goes together with being a sensuous human being. 

 The third underlying tendency is doubt or hesitation. If one has doubts, one hesitates: "What am I going to do next?" One doubts one's own path and abilities, and how to proceed. Due to hesitation, one doesn't use one's time wisely. At times one may waste it or overindulge in activities which are not beneficial. Doubt means that one doesn't have an inner vision to guide one, but is obsessed by uncertainty. Doubts and hesitation lie in our hearts because of a feeling of insecurity. We are afraid of not being safe.

The next underlying tendency is the wrong view of relating all that happens to a "self." This goes on constantly and we can verify that easily, as it happens to everybody. Very few people realize: "This is just mental phenomena." They believe: "I think." When there is pain in the body, few will say: "It's just an unpleasant feeling." They'll say: "I'm feeling very badly," or "I have a terrible pain." This reaction to whatever happens as "self" is due to an underlying tendency so deeply imbedded that it takes great effort to loosen its hold.

Next comes pride and conceit, which here means having a certain concept of ourselves, such as being a man or a woman, young or old, beautiful or ugly. We conceive of what we want, feel, think, know, own and what we can do. All this conceptualizing creates ownership and we become proud of possessions, knowledge, skills, feelings, being someone special [...]

Next we come to clinging to existence. That's our survival syndrome, clinging to being here, not willing to give up, not ready to die today. We must learn to be ready to die now, not wishing to die, but to be ready for it [...] Clinging to existence brings us into a dependency syndrome. We want everything to work out well for us and resent it if that doesn't happen.

Ignorance opposes wisdom, and here it concerns the fact that we disregard reality by not realizing that all our dukkha comes from wanting, even if our desire may be a wholesome one [...]

 I read Ayya Khema's advice:

It's very useful to pick the characteristic that creates difficulties for us over and over again and make it one's focus of attention. Since they are all interconnected, minimizing one will help to reduce the others to more manageable proportions.

And I could not pick just one but several tendencies manifesting all at once. Sensuality and irritation, for sure. Also, tying experiences to a monolithic "self". And last, clinging to existence:

This clinging to being alive brings much difficulty to all of us because it projects us into the future so that we can't attend to the present. If we don't live in the present, we're missing out on being alive at all. There's no life in the future, it's all ideation, conjecture, a hope and a prayer. If we really want to be alive and experience things as they are, we've got to be here now, attending to each moment. This entails letting go of clinging to what will happen to us in the future, particularly whether we are going to continue to exist. Existing in this moment is enough. To be able to let go of that clinging means to let go of the future, only then will there be strong mindfulness, real attention and clear knowing. Clinging to existence will always give us the idea that something better will come along if we just wait long enough and that denies effort. Effort can only be made now, who knows what tomorrow will bring?

I worry way too much about the future.

How about you, what are your most salient underlying tendencies? 

Just a Small Pin

Last night's dream . . . 

I am with a man walking around a brand new house. The house is empty and very spacious. The man kneels down to the floor, and using a small pin, uncovers a tiny hole right at the juncture between the wall and the carpet. The hole is covered with a metal grid. The man lifts the grid with his pin, and looking up close we can see a whole world of miniature people moving through tiny spaces. For a moment, I slip into this shrunken world, and meet familiar faces. 

I am not surprised. I have been more and more cognizant of the contractions in body and mind, and the associated long-standing tendencies I have had to live in a shrunken world. The big change has been in the recognition of my responsibility for this state of being. No longer blaming others, playing victim, or giving into stuck-ness. And at the same time, being patient, teaching the tightness to relax one moment at a time. A small pin, is all it takes. 

We tend to live within such a narrow band of experiences. 

Where Do You Dwell?

How much of yourself do you use to move through the world?

Only your head, thinking about things, usually from the past or in the future?

Or your entire body, thinking yes, and also seeing, hearing, touching, smelling, tasting, sensing? Experiencing.

I know I tend to dwell from the head mostly, and not even the whole head. Thinking brain in overdrive . . . 

The good news is, I have noticed a big shift. Thanks to daily practice, I am dwelling more and more in the entire body, and making use of all senses. 

Where do you dwell most?

What's Up With the Bell?

Several times, I have been asked how come I don't use 'a bell' in my mindfulness work with clients.

The bell, or rather the sound of the bell, is such a part of the traditional meditative experience. As essential as cushion and timer, and noble silence. The bell invites us to step into a sacred space, where habitual ways of being dissolve, leaving room instead for awareness and experiencing of the now.  At the other end, the bell means returning to the habitual world of daily life. Such a lovely ritual . . . 

and also, something else, maybe not so useful.

I see the bell as yet another man made creation to separate practice from the rest of one's life. Another gadget to please our senses. Another potential source for trouble down the line, when there is no bell, and we are left with just ourselves.

This is why I like to encourage the ones I work with, to practice with no bell, no fancy cushion. Only oneself, and an ordinary place to sit. The main impetus for practice becomes one's intention, and sometimes the sitting together.

Practicing to practice any time, anywhere. No 'equipment' necessary. 

How is your relationship to the 'bell'?