Sunday, November 9, 2014

Another Invitation to Love

Grief as I felt it this afternoon was of the more subtle kind. Nobody had died. Instead, I had been reminded of a painful bond, a loss not clearly visible to the outside world, but very real nevertheless. Heart aching still, I got to see up close again, the suffering that comes when love gets thrown back onto itself, with no one to respond at the other end. This is where mindfulness practice is put to the test. Mindfulness helps one to not wallow in self-pity and despair. Instead, one can investigate the full impact of hanging on to the idea of love on one's own terms. One can feel the physical pain from grasping, and make the connection with ancient wisdom. 

Every time I fall into that place, I feel compelled to revisit Ayya Khema's Metta talk. And each time, I come up with another treasure. 

There are six billion of us, so why diminish ourselves to one, two, or three? And not only that, the whole problem lies in the fact that because it is attachment, we've got to *keep* those one, two, or three in order to experience any kind of love. We are afraid to lose them: to lose them through death, through change of mind, to leaving home, to whatever change happens. And that fear discolors our love to the point where it can no longer be pure, because it is hanging on.

Grief begs us to listen to the suffering within, and to slowly let go of the cause. Life is too short to waste one more moment in self-inflicted misery. True love is limitless and independent of external conditions.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Getting Back on Track

It's been hard finding the time to sit every day. I have let work take over my life, and I am feeling the effect. The spaciousness that used to permeate my days has gone. Instead, weariness and restlessness. It is as if my constantly stimulated mind is on overdrive. I then think about all the others whose demanding lives are also playing tricks on them. Care workers who sometimes hold two jobs to make ends meet, and function on 3 to 4 hours of sleep every night. Exhausted new moms whose new babies won't stop crying, and with no grandma nearby to help out. Med residents on duty 36 hour straight. Sandwiched daughters spread too thin between their teenage children and their ailing parents.  Young lawyers trying hard to climb up the corporate ladder . . . Very few of us can escape the pressure from living in our task-driven, disenfranchised culture. Such busy-ness is exacting a price. Many of us end up being super-stressed, anxious, depressed, with no end in sight. 

It is ironic that neuroscience is coming up with more and more studies showing the power of mindfulness practice to reduce such stress. We know mindfulness can save our health, both mental and physical. It can help us find more joy. It can repair our frayed telomeres. The problem is how to find the time and motivation to practice every day. Superseding the time issue, is the need to feel compelled enough to make the necessary effort. Looking back on my years as a meditator, I can see a pattern. Times of intense practice, followed by waning in my dedication, then having to suffer the consequences, until the realization one day of needing to get back on track. This is where I am at today. The violence done to myself from not giving my mind enough time to settle every day, is now to intense to be ignored. I love myself too much! 

Sitting right now, I let myself feel the pain from always being 'on'. Tight throat, stomach in a knot, tiredness, shallow breath . . . The central nervous system needs to switch from sympathetic to parasympathetic mode. I need to make mindfulness more of a priority every day, and I need to find the time. Now, time is an interesting notion, particularly in regards to practice. No matter how busy I may be with work, the truth is there is still ample opportunities for mindfulness. First, starting in the morning with allowing enough time to sit. When is my first work meeting? How soon do I need to set the alarm? How about foregoing checking and answering emails first thing? Of course, mindfulness is not just about sitting once every day. It needs to be woven into work, and all my other activities. One simple switch  I can make is to cut down on all the times I spend throughout the day surfing the web, whenever I feel I need a break. How about using those periods to quietly sit or practice walking meditation? Good intentions, that need to be acted upon. 

How are you doing with your practice? Do you struggle like I do? 

Saturday, August 9, 2014

5 Contemplations For Dementia Care Partners

Sooner or later, during one's mindful journey, one becomes faced with a wall. One has a choice then. To keep bumping one's head against the inevitable, or to stop and contemplate the very nature of the wall itself. The wall is about the impermanence of life, and our need to face that truth. Many times, whenever grief wells up inside, as it did earlier today, I call upon the 5 Remembrances:

I am of the nature to grow old.
I cannot escape growing old.

I am of the nature to have ill health.
I cannot escape having ill health.

I am of the nature to die.
There is no way to escape death.

All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change.
There is no way to escape being separated from them. 

I inherit the nature of my actions in body, speech and mind.
My actions are the ground on which I stand.

Strangely enough, I find great comfort in telling myself those lines. It is as if the telling is paving the way for acceptance of what is to come, or what has already happened.  During my work with those in the early stage of cognitive impairment and also with dementia caregivers, I have learned to tailor the 5 Remembrances to more specifically address the unique challenges of the dementia journey. It goes like this:

I am of the nature to grow old.
I cannot escape growing old.

I am of the nature to have ill health of body and/or mind.
I cannot escape having ill health of either body and/or mind.

I am of the nature to die.
There is no way to escape death.

All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change.
There is no way to escape being separated from them, in either body or mind.

There is no avoiding making mistakes.
I am doing the best I can and I hold myself with compassion.

May you contemplate those words often. And may you find comfort in them. 

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Mindful Presence to Ease the Dementia Journey

(cross-post from Huffington Post)

Imagine a marathon you did not sign up for, and yet, you are told you have to run the race until the end. To add to the challenge, you are to carry a heavy load on your shoulders, and the load will get heavier and heavier as the race goes on. This is what the dementia journey is like for most family caregivers... Keeping with the marathon metaphor, what is needed is a way for caregivers to develop the strength that will be required of them over the long run. The Presence Care program is a new, integrative approach that combines mindfulness and compassion practices with understanding of the dementia experience. Its goals are to ease care burden and stress, and to help foster greater well-being for both caregivers and the persons in their care. It goes like this:

1. Understand dementia.

The more we can learn about the disease, the better equipped we are to understand what the person needs and why they are behaving in certain ways. Dementia affects different parts of the brain, each responsible for different cognitive domains such as memory, language, behavior, executive function, or movement. Not all dementias affect the same domains, and we need to know which ones are impacted and what that means in terms of the person's interactions with us. For instance someone struggling with executive function will have trouble initiating tasks and will be dependent on others to get engaged into activities. We also need to guard from our tendency to position the person with dementia as less able than they really are. Many abilities are preserved throughout dementia. In many cases, emotional intelligence is even heightened.

2. Practice mindfulness.

Using Jon Kabat-Zinn's definition, mindfulness is being fully aware of the present moment, on purpose, and without judgment. The validity of mindfulness as a powerful stress-reduction tool is no longer in question. That benefit alone makes it worthwhile for stressed out dementia caregivers to undertake mindfulness practice. The other, equally important reason has to do with the way in which mindful attention allows us to notice what is happening moment to moment, that may impact the person's experience. What do we bring into the situation? What do we hear? What do we see? What is the person telling us with her body language? Armed with that awareness, we then have a chance to act in a way that is most beneficial to the person. Of course, remembering to be mindful does not come naturally. We need to train our mind to come back to the present moment. This is done by setting time aside to practice every day. Even only five minutes of sitting and paying attention to the breath can make a big difference.

3. Respond with compassion.

Compassionate care is a natural outcome of mindfulness practice. In the mindful noticing of stress for the other person lies the seed for our compassionate response. I worked once with an elder man with Parkinson's who was moved to tears once his wife learned to model her steps after his. It took them both a good ten minutes to walk the twenty feet from my office to their car. Mindful "pacing with" is a wonderful practice that helps us shift from trying to get somewhere fast to becoming fully present for ourselves and the other person, while walking together. Such walking is an example of compassionate response.

I would like to end with a note on self-compassion. With greater awareness and deeper understanding of the person's needs often comes the painful realization of our own inadequacies, and of times before when we may have unintentionally hurt the person in our care. We address this by giving ourselves frequent self-compassion breaks, a practice developed by Kristin Neff. First, we recognize the suffering in our heart: "This is painful." Then we see that suffering as a part of the human condition: "We all struggle in our lives." Third, we extend kindness to ourselves: "May I forgive myself." The dementia care journey is an ongoing adult education in mindfulness and love. If we learn to view every one of our dementia care experiences as just that, we will do ourselves a great service, and we will be more free to give the person what they need.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Mindfulness Haiku

For the first time
Warm breath against upper lip
Feeling the sweetness.

Such awesome delight
Never to be missed again
What was I thinking?

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Many Ways to Love

The more I live, the more I understand love. What it is, and what it isn't: 

It is now clear that love is to be found within myself, and not outside. 
Love does not expect anything from the other person. 
Love is about giving, not expecting. 
Love does not ask for the person to stick around, or love us. 
Love does not discriminate, and offers a limitless world of people to be loved. 
Love is  an inclination of the heart. 
Love is also a discipline of the mind to not close the heart. 
Love is about not demanding from others the perfection that eludes us. 

Lately, I have been gifted with yet another insight about love. I have come to realize that each person has a different way of expressing love. Some ways are more obvious, others less so and require some deciphering. Mostly, I need to not project my own way with love unto others. It is helpful being aware of one's idea about love. I tend to equal love with kind words, physical closeness, and generous gestures. That's a lot to ask . . . 

Others around me have been my best teachers, showing me different, and sometimes opposite ways of expressing love:

One is clumsy with words and quick to react. Yet, he can be the kindest, most generous man. I can choose to focus on his weakness, or I can hone in on the times when his heart 'speaks'. 

Another shows her love through food, just like the man in the movie 'Eat Drink Man Woman'. No words of love ever exchanged, or tight embraces to be had, but instead lovely feasts in the kitchen. 

That one has a way with gifts also, always knowing what will please me. Gift giving is an attempt by the otherwise parsimonious heart to say, "I love you". 

My father who was a difficult man, showed me his love by always coming through when I needed help. 

'She' expresses her love through a pet, and pulls me in by texting me cute pictures of the dog, wondering "what would I do without him?" 

My mother whose clinginess I tried to run away from, gave me the safety of her unconditional love.

Love comes to us in many ways. It is up to us to recognize it!

How can you tell that someone is trying to show you love? 

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Is It Mindfulness or Meditation?

I get asked that question a lot, and the answer is, yes, and . . .

Yes, mindfulness is a form of meditation practice. Other names for such meditation are insight and Vipassana. Mindfulness was popularized thirty years ago by Jon Kabat-Zinn with his Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction. The genius of Jon Kabat-Zinn has been to make this ancient form of meditation accessible to the mainstream. Mindfulness meditation is now taught in a wide range of settings including hospitals, clinics, schools, prisons, businesses, and other venues all other the U.S. and the rest of the world. It is the form of meditation that has been the subject of much attention from neuroscience research. It is the practice I teach in my Mindfulness-Based Dementia Care and other mindfulness-based programs for caregivers. Mindfulness as commonly taught these days, draws its roots from the most ancient tradition of Buddhism know as Theravada. It has been stripped of all its religious context, and only the methods for de-stressing the brain have been kept, thereby making it accessible to all, independent of their religious orientation. It is important to stress that contemporary mindfulness practice is completely agnostic. 

Other forms of meditation include zen, Tibetan, transcendental meditation (TM), Christian centering prayer, Sufism, and yoga meditation. 
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