Two Darts, Or Just One?

On a long walk by myself yesterday, there were plenty of pleasures to be had. Temperature just right, enough sun to brighten the moment, flowers going nuts with colors, birds singing what sounded like happy notes . . . it would have been a perfect experience, except for the pain in my right shoulder.  I noticed the mind's habits with such unpleasantness. First tightening, and rebelling against such a spoiler, soon turning into full blown unpleasantness and hatred of the moment. Then, searching for a way out, hoping for pleasure to be found again, quick. From there, escaping into the world of thoughts, thinking about the future, work to be done, the pleasure of food awaiting at home . . . Anything but being in this moment. It worked. There was no more pain, only a vague dullness and the quasi-satisfaction of imagined pleasures. Nothing wrong with that, except for the subtle sadness of knowing that this was one more moment not fully lived, a delaying of the cultivation of real happiness. The hour turned into a reflection on The Dart sutta:

"When an untaught worldling is touched by a painful (bodily) feeling, he worries and grieves, he laments, beats his breast, weeps and is distraught. He thus experiences two kinds of feelings, a bodily and a mental feeling. It is as if a man were pierced by a dart and, following the first piercing, he is hit by a second dart [...]

"Having been touched by that painful feeling, he resists (and resents) it. Then in him who so resists (and resents) that painful feeling, an underlying tendency of resistance against that painful feeling comes to underlie (his mind). Under the impact of that painful feeling he then proceeds to enjoy sensual happiness. And why does he do so? An untaught worldling, O monks, does not know of any other escape from painful feelings except the enjoyment of sensual happiness. Then in him who enjoys sensual happiness, an underlying tendency to lust for pleasant feelings comes to underlie (his mind). He does not know, according to facts, the arising and ending of these feelings, nor the gratification, the danger and the escape, connected with these feelings. In him who lacks that knowledge, an underlying tendency to ignorance as to neutral feelings comes to underlie (his mind). When he experiences a pleasant feeling, a painful feeling or a neutral feeling, he feels it as one fettered by it. Such a one, O monks, is called an untaught worldling who is fettered by birth, by old age, by death, by sorrow, lamentation, pain, grief and despair. He is fettered by suffering, this I declare.

"But in the case of a well-taught noble disciple, O monks, when he is touched by a painful feeling, he will not worry nor grieve and lament, he will not beat his breast and weep, nor will he be distraught. It is one kind of feeling he experiences, a bodily one, but not a mental feeling. It is as if a man were pierced by a dart, but was not hit by a second dart following the first one [...]

"Having been touched by that painful feeling, he does not resist (and resent) it. Hence, in him no underlying tendency of resistance against that painful feeling comes to underlie (his mind). Under the impact of that painful feeling he does not proceed to enjoy sensual happiness. And why not? As a well-taught noble disciple he knows of an escape from painful feelings other than by enjoying sensual happiness. Then in him who does not proceed to enjoy sensual happiness, no underlying tendency to lust for pleasant feelings comes to underlie (his mind). He knows, according to facts, the arising and ending of those feelings, and the gratification, the danger and the escape connected with these feelings. In him who knows thus, no underlying tendency to ignorance as to neutral feelings comes to underlie (his mind). When he experiences a pleasant feeling, a painful feeling or a neutral feeling, he feels it as one who is not fettered by it. Such a one, O monks, is called a well-taught noble disciple who is not fettered by birth, by old age, by death, by sorrow, lamentation, pain, grief and despair. He is not fettered to suffering, this I declare.

Turning towards the pain in the shoulder, watching it dissolve eventually . . . and being replaced by a myriad of sensations as  I walked down Stanford avenue. Some pleasant, some not so pleasant, some without a known quality. Pain eventually moved to the other side. The body's got its own ideas. Nothing to do but watch, and make the best of each moment. I thought of the Buddha's last moments, ridden with physical pain. I need to guard against the confusion in my mind, between pain and unhappiness, and pleasure and happiness. Not worrying about what the next moment may bring in terms of pain, also allows one to relax. 

How do you deal with pain, both physical and emotional pain? 

The Gift of Pain

A few improper strokes in the pool a few weeks ago, that's all it took to bring me into the body, (almost) completely. The pain in my right shoulder has become hard to ignore. Nothing major, only unpleasantness and the added burden of aversion. In other words, a wonderful opportunity to practice and to become a little bit wiser. Every moment, a dance between the sensation of pain, the unpleasant feeling, and the next link in the chain of suffering, the craving for a pain free state. Dependent origination is not a theoretical construct . . . 

Physical pain, emotional pain . . . whatever unpleasantness has come your way today, how do you choose to live it? Do you use the experience as a way to practice a different way of being? Or do you let the aversion solidify into full blown "Why me?"? Or do you try to distract yourself into temporary non existence?

So many chances we have, to become more awake!

Pain Beyond Words

U Jotika's Freeing Perspective on Pain.

I continue to draw much inspiration from U Jotika's teachings. This morning, pain found its way inside, as it often does. Heart and body, both hurting. Full of resolve, I sat, determined to not give thinking mind much of a chance. Using breath as an anchor, I let myself sink deep into the flow of sensations, moment to moment. Sure, thoughts did come once in a while, but awareness was watching, and did not let them rule the sitting. There was hardly any reactivity to the pain, and a whole hour went by, without mind getting restless as it usually does. 

Because of our thoughts we experience something more intensely. So when we stop thinking and just become aware of it we don’t really feel anything anymore. What I mean to say is that, things don’t have intensity anymore. Even with pain, say you have pain in your knee when you are sitting and meditating; the more you react the sharper it becomes. When you stop thinking about it and just be in touch with it, without trying to do anything, not trying to overcome it, not interpreting it, just being with the pain, after a while you feel that the pain becomes vague; it is not as painful as before. Our thinking process makes the sensations stronger. When you stop thinking and just get in touch with it, it becomes so vague, that we feel that something is missing. We want to take hold of something. For example, if you have a big round ball, can you hold it with one hand? You cannot. It is a big round slippery ball. But if you put a handle on it you can grab it by the handle. The name, the tag, the interpretation is just like the handle. With the handle we grasp things very strongly, we won’t let it go but, without that handle everything is slippery, you can’t hold to it. When you stop thinking, you get in touch with it, you can’t grasp anything anymore. It becomes slippery and vague, that is the way it should be. 

. . . 

When you experience pain, as long as you can be with the pain to endure it, see how your mind reacts. This is a very important learning process. Buddha gave a very deep and profound teaching, “although my body is in pain my mind is not in pain” (~SN iii.1). This is something you should practice! We cannot really get rid of all the pain in our body. As you grow older and older you know that you have to live with pain. People have arthritis; there is no way you can run away from pain. If you take too much medicine it will destroy your liver, kidneys and many other things. If you want to take medication it is ok; that is not what I am saying. For normal pain it is not going to hurt you very much, so, try to be with the pain and see how the mind reacts. In some cases, we try to move not because the pain is unbearable but because we are restless. We move because we are not in the habit of being in touch with the pain. When you feel pain, without thinking of pain, without even using the word pain, although in the beginning you can use the word pain, but I have noticed that when you use the word pain it becomes more painful, because you are interpreting it as ‘pain’. Pain is something that you don’t like. So automatically you react to the word pain. If you stop using the word pain and just get into the pain, be with the pain, you’ll find that it is very interesting, your mind can stay there for a long time. Some of my friends, who are very scared of pain, don’t want to meditate because they think it will be very painful. Slowly and slowly they have learnt how to meditate and after a while they come in touch with the pain and stay with it, and found out that it becomes very interesting. They get absorbed in the pain. If you are willing to be with the pain, it is not so unbearable; if you are unwilling it becomes more and more unbearable. It is the way that your mind looks at experience. Whenever you feel pain, be with it, it will not kill you, actually. When you find that “this is my limit” and I can’t really go on sitting like this anymore, move very slowly, move a few millimeters and see the pain getting less, the whole experience, and the mind also. When the pain gets a little bit less your mind becomes a little bit relaxed, “Oh… It is nice now… feeling better now”, then move a little bit again; feeling better now. Move again, and then you find another position where you don’t feel pain anymore, you feel happy, you feel very relaxed and then you continue to meditate; sitting for an hour or sometimes even for two hours. 

It takes time for the mind to let go of itself. Today felt like a big breakthrough.  Being able to experience the effect of freedom from mind is like fuel for the practice. Now, I want to sit more, and longer.

Deal With Resistance First, Pain Later

U Tejaniya's Approach to Dealing With Strong Physical Pain.

Ask a different teacher, about best way to deal with pain, and you will get a new answer each time . . .  I like U Tejaniya's approach - from his book, 'Don't Look Down on the Defilements. They Will Laugh at You':

When you experience pains, aches and other bodily discomforts, it means you have a mental resistance to them and therefore you are not ready yet to observe these unpleasant physical sensations directly. Nobody likes pain and if you observe it while still feeling any resistance towards it, it will become worse. It is like when you are angry with someone; if you look at that person again and again you will become even angrier. So never force yourself to observe pain; this is not a fight, this is a learning opportunity. You are not observing pain to lessen it or to make it go away. You are observing it – especially your mental reactions to it – in order to understand the connection between your mental reactions and your perception of the physical sensations.

Check your attitude first. Wishing for the pain to decrease or go away is the wrong attitude. It does not matter whether the pain goes away or not. Pain is not the problem; your negative mental reaction to it is the problem. If the pain is caused by some kind of injury you should of course be careful not to make things worse, but if you are well and healthy, pain is simply an important opportunity to practice watching the mind at work. When there is pain, the mental feelings and reactions are strong and therefore easy to observe. Learn to watch anger or resistance, tension or discomfort in your mind. If necessary, alternate between checking your feelings and the attitude behind your resistance. Keep reminding yourself to relax the mind and the body, and observe how it affects your mental resistance. There is a direct link between your state of mind and pain. The more relaxed and calm the observing mind, the less intense you will perceive the pain to be. Of course, if your mind reacts strongly to the pain (i.e. if you experience pain as unbearable) you should change your posture and make yourself comfortable.

So if you want to learn how to deal with pain skilfully, try this: From the moment you start feeling pain, no matter how weak it is, check your mind and body for tension, and relax. Part of your mind will remain aware of the pain. So check for tension again and again, and relax. Also check your attitude and keep reminding yourself that you have the choice to change your posture if you experience too much pain, as this will make the mind more willing to work with it. Keep repeating this until you no longer feel you want to watch the tension, the fear, the desire to get up, or the unwillingness to stay with the pain. Now you should change your posture.

.  .  .

It is best to look at pain directly only if you cannot feel a resistance to it. Keep in mind that there may be a reaction at a subtle level. As soon as you recognize mental discomfort, turn your attention to that feeling. If you can see subtle mental discomfort, watch it change; does it increase or decrease? As the mind becomes more equanimous and sensitive it will recognize subtle reactions more easily. When you look at mental discomfort at a more subtle level you may get to the point when your mind feels completely equanimous. If you look at pain directly and if there is true equanimity, mental discomfort will not arise anymore. Remember that you are not looking at the reactions of the mind to make them go away. Always take reactions as an opportunity to investigate their nature. Ask yourself questions! How do they make you feel? What thoughts are in your mind? How does what you think affect the way you feel? How does what you feel affect the way you think? What is the attitude behind the thoughts? How does any of this change the way you perceive pain?

From my work with people suffering from severe chronic pain, and also my experience as a chronic pain sufferer, I very much resonate with U Tejaniya's point about not rushing to observe the pain, whenever strong mental resistance is present. U Tejaniya's teaching goes counter to Jon Kabat-Zinn's body scan approach used during MBSR training, where the pain gets confronted head on, and attitude gets addressed at the same time as the pain itself. 

Definitely a direction I am going to experiment with!

Related posts, with different teachers' perspectives:

Mingyur Rinpoche: Mingyur Rinpoche's Cure For Pain

Vidyamala Burch: The 5 Step Model of Mindfulness for Pain

Bob Stahl & Elisha Goldstein (MBSR): 3 Mindful Steps to Working with Chronic Pain

Staying In My Seat

Lately, I have been practicing longer sittings, slowly working my way up to full hour. And I have been struggling with physical pain. A lot.

This morning, it became very clear to me I was dealing with two main obstacles:

1. First was a natural difficulty with tolerating the primary physical pain, that translated into an urge to get up and move, so as to distract myself from the pain. 
2. Second was the mind thinking about the amount of time left sitting, and anticipating that I was going to remain stuck in the pain. Of course this was a perfect example of deluded mind that leads one into believing in reality of mere concept. 

I was reminded of Stephen Batchelor's talk on his reconstruction of the Four Noble Truths:

1) All of life is suffering, due to its inherently unreliable, always changing, and tragic nature. We are to fully know life's suffering, as a precondition for our liberation. This can only be accomplished through concentrated attention, moment to moment, deeply feeling the fabric of existence, starting with breath to ground us. So that we can transform our habitual distaste for suffering, into accepting it fully, and therefore radically change the way we are with ourselves, and others.

2) Craving is the effect of suffering, not its cause. Because of dukkha, and five aggregates coming into contact with dukkha, we are naturally moved to look for ways to escape present unpleasantness. We want to get this to get rid of that. Hence craving, with its attendant army of unwholesome states, symbolized by Mara. Even Buddha, after he had conquered power of Mara, kept being confronted with Mara throughout his life. We are to let go of our craving, abandoning its hold on us, even for discrete moments. We turn away from our habitual surface preoccupation with sense gratification, to face the miracle of life and the reality of death. We cease to be victims of our attachments and fears. That can be accomplished through mindfulness.

3) Next comes the cessation of craving, not suffering. Buddha knew tremendous suffering throughout his life, even after he got enlightened. The traditional distinction between pain and added suffering from clinging is really an artificial one. More relevant goal is not to not suffer, but rather to lead flourishing life. We are to experience life free from craving. That is true liberation, at which point the possibility of another way of life opens up. To be unconditioned means to not be conditioned by the three poisons of greed, hate, and delusion. Leading us to be free to enter the stream.

4) Next is the Eightfold Path, in which we engage the world in a meaningful way. This is a thread that has never been really developed under the traditional dogma. It says, we have the capacity to be awakened at every moment. Once craving is let go of, and we have successfully conquered Mara, we are no longer blocked from experiencing the path. We are to cultivate the path. We become stream-enterer. We become free from morality as just a set of rules. We become independent, autonomous, and free according to light shining within us. It is an affirmation of our transformation, of what really matters to us in our lives, of what it means to be fully awake.

Accordingly, the antidotes that kept me in my seat all related to the Eightfold Path, particularly:

1. right view: understanding of the Four Noble Truths and the Eightfold Path, which helped place transient experience of discomfort within larger context of attainable freedom.
2. right effort: not giving up, instead staying with the experience, no matter how difficult, and finding within myself the energy and fortitude to do so; this was very hard.
3. right mindfulness: being present for the whole experience moment to moment, including the pain, the thoughts and emotions associated with the pain, and the overall feeling towards the pain, other phenomena outside of painful experience, such as contact with sounds, etc . . . 
4. right concentration: sustaining the attention on chosen object, whether pain, or breath, or sounds, whatever I found to be most predominant or useful; as with right effort, I struggled with that one as well.

Mindfulness, like anything else, is about practice, practice, practice. Tomorrow morning, I shall sit again, and practice with all my mind and heart.

Mingyur Rinpoche's Meditation Cure For Pain

Day 2 with Mingyur Rinpoche.

After seven hours of sitting in unfriendly chair, my back was screaming, and ready for the master's instructions for pain meditation:

• Don't try to get rid of the pain. This is the opposite of our normal responses which are: 1) being afraid of the pain, 2) wishing for the pain to go away; in both cases end result is more pain
• Rather, turn pain into object of meditation, just like any other object, such as breath, or sounds. 
• Just become aware of pain/discomfort, seeing it develop with clarity
• Welcome it as a friend.
• If you cannot make friend with the pain, and you notice either fear or aversion, then make fear/aversion the object of meditation - using them as support for meditation
• Learn with small pain at first, otherwise one risks getting overwhelmed with big pain
• With attention, pain may becomes bigger - this is not bad; Rinpoche gave the analogy of dried cow dung on a wall. When the dung is dry it does not smell. As soon as one starts to apply water on it to clean it, the smell gets released, and gets more and more intense as more water is applied. This is temporary however but a necessary step before the wall can be all clean. More pain signals purification process. 
• If pain becomes too overwhelming, turn the attention to other objects: sounds, breath, forms, smells, etc . . . 
• Eventually, meditation on pain heals the pain.

Eyes closed, listening to Rinpoche's voice, I met the pain in my back, and felt it spread even wider. There was dislike, for sure. Turning my attention to the aversion itself, the pain receded in the background, until it . . . well, vanished!

Pain meditation. Healing meditation. 

3 Mindful Ways to Be With Someone in Pain

This is part II of Vidyamala Burch's pearls of wisdom, on chronic pain, this time for person trying to help chronic sufferer:

1. Empathize and ground them in present:

The first thing I would try to do is simply connect with them as another human being who is suffering. I would try to help them feel that they are not alone in their pain and I would try to connect with them on the basis of empathy. I would talk to them about the fact that they will ever only experience the pain one moment at a time and ask them to examine how much of their distress is based on ideas of past and future (such as dreading future moments of pain). 

2. Laugh with them and help them find pleasantness in the moment: 

I would also ask them what is pleasant in their experience right now: It might be something very simple like having warm hands, or being in a beautiful room, or feeling the gentle sensations of breath in the body. By experiencing this directly they may be a little less overwhelmed by their pain. I would try to laugh with them. One thing I have found through my own practice of mindfulness and compassion is that it is always good to lighten up. Everything is changing and if I can let go into this broad sense of flow then I experience life as being much less heavy and stuck.

3. Model honesty and equanimity about present experience:

So I would try to empathise with their situation as deeply as I could, and I would try to engage on the basis of enjoyment of their company as well and in this way help them realize that chronic pain is just one element of life and that it is possible to be quite light about the situation if one isn’t dominated by the pain either through being overwhelmed or through being trapped into habits of avoidance and running away. I would try to exemplify a sense of being with the pain with great honesty, whilst simultaneously having a broad and open appreciation of all the other elements to the moment as well – many of which are joyful and pleasurable.

Simply beautiful. Nothing to add.

The 5 Step Model of Mindfulness for Pain

I have to share these pearls of wisdom from Vidyamala Burch, regarding 5 mindful steps of living with chronic pain:

1. Awareness:

I noticed that it was essential to be willing to engage with my actual experience of pain rather than block it or resist it and I noticed, paradoxically, that if I was locked into avoidance and blocking, then I also numbed myself to beauty and subtle positive emotions. When blocking I didn’t experience the pain so much, but then I only felt half alive, which was in itself unpleasant.

2. Moving towards the unpleasant:

So I realized that, after the first step of becoming broadly aware in a general sense, the next step for becoming mindful when living with pain is to find ways to very gently turn towards the pain and allow layers of resistance, avoidance and blocking to soften with tenderness and gentleness so one can begin to feel more fully alive. This is the second step – moving towards the difficulty.

3. Seeking out the pleasant in the moment:

I also knew that this was not the whole story and that, after having become more tender and open by turning towards pain and softening resistance, the next step was to be like an explorer seeking hidden treasure and to learn to pay attention to pleasurable states. So this is the third step – seeking the pleasant in the knowledge that it is always possible to find something pleasant if you learn how to pay subtle attention to your experience.

4. Holding both pleasant and unpleasant in broad awareness

The fourth step grows out of the previous steps and is a broadening of awareness to hold both the unpleasant and the pleasant within a very stable field of awareness that is infused with equanimity. You can see steps two and three as being like looking through a close-up lens of a camera to examine the details of experience, and then step four is like pulling back to a wide-angle lens that contains great variety within the same frame. Another important aspect of the fourth step is to see into the impermanent, fluid nature of experience and to allow both the unpleasant and pleasant to rise and fall without either resisting unpleasant experience on the one hand or grasping onto pleasant experience on the other.

5. Responding rather than reacting

The fifth step is the behavioural outcome of the previous four steps and is ‘choice’ – it is learning to live with creative choice in every single moment rather than being driven by habitual reactions. 

Simple. And also very powerful.

3 Mindful Steps to Working With Chronic Pain

This morning, sitting, I was visited by various pains and aches. In the knees, in the shoulders, in the usual spot in my right lower back . . . There was frustration, and some anger also. Even breath was slipping away, making itself hard to follow. More than once, I was tempted to get up and walk away. I was glad I stuck with it however, as I got a chance to very clearly experience the cycle of pain - not liking - body tensing - more pain. In such moments, I was reminded of our very human tendency towards resisting physical pain, as expressed in reflexive recoil in our body. 

This is where mindfulness practice, along with wisdom, right effort, equanimity, and faith in proven process come into play. What kept me in my seat this morning, were the knowledge and prior experience, that there was much to be gained from not to fleeing, but sitting instead with the pain in a non reactive way. 

In their MBSR Workbook, Bob Stahl and Elisha Golstein, present a very helpful how-to three step approach to working with chronic pain in meditation:

1) Investigate the pain and tension in the body:

A common knee-jerk reaction to pain is to clench and get tighter around it. Unfortunately, this can not only increase the physical pain, it may also begin a vicious cycle of reactions that lead to increased anger, fear, sadness, and confusion. Getting tight around pain further constricts the muscles and restricts blood flow, which may cause more spasms and pain, possibly even in other areas of the body. This cycle is difficult to stop, and in time you may discover that you're constricted not just around the painful area, but throughout the body.

The body scan provides an opportunity for you to reorient toward living and working with tension and pain. As you reeducate yourself about your pain by distinguishing physical sensations from mental and emotional feelings, you can learn to recognize strong sensations in the body as just physical sensations . . . 

Once you become aware of how you hold pain in the body, you can start figuring out how best to work with it . . . Mindful awareness will not only allow you to see where you're holding unnecessary tension, but will also help you soften and possibly release tension in these areas where there's no pain at all. Mindfulness also teaches you that if you can't release the tension, you can practice riding its waves, just observing them, letting them be, and allowing them to ripple wherever they need to go.  

2) Working with the emotions in physical pain:

Bringing mindful awareness to emotions allows you to begin to acknowledge them, no matter what they are, validating and acknowledging them without censorship and without resistance. As with physical pain, resistance to difficult emotions often causes more pain while learning to let be and go with them, rather than fighting them, can often diminish or change the suffering associated with them . . . 

As you gain more understanding of your physical pain, your emotional reactions to it, and the differences between them, you'll begin to see that there's a difference between physical pain and suffering.  Even in times when you can't change the physical sensations of pain, you can change your emotional responses to them and thereby reduce your suffering. 

3) Living in the present moment:

When you identify with stress, tension, or chronic pain, you may think of it as a long-term problem or life sentence, and this attitude can take you out of the present moment and increase your suffering. Mindfulness teaches you to be here now. You don't know what the future may bring, and you really don't know if the stress and pain will last forever . . . 

Rather than being held hostage by your discomfort, you can cultivate the attitude that it's possible to learn from it. As you learn to let go of the past and not cling to a specific vision of the future, you'll be able to see things as they are in the moment, with a growing sense of freedom and the possibility of new options. This perspective transforms you, your pain, and your relationship to your pain.

Three proven steps that can change the way you live with your pain. Not easy, but well worth the effort. 

The Door of the Wishless

Today is about pain in the right shoulder. I pulled a muscle, no big deal, but right then, pain feels huge. Worse than the pain, is reactive mind's verdict of refusal. Wishing for another time in the future, when pain will be gone. Sitting, I linger in the extra suffering from wishfulness. After a while, the feeling tires out and withdraws, leaving in its wake only raw pain, unedited, and breath, and  the comforting sounds of house waking up. 

As I think of Gil's recent talk, on The Three Doors, I contemplate the potential beauty of wishlessness, the second door (to liberation). How I wish . . . :)

Stop Whining!

This week's earlier surgery has turned me into a chronic whiner. I am so cold. My mouth hurts. I am tired. Eating is a drag. I can't sleep . . . Dear husband is getting tired himself. Of having to listen to my litany of complaints. He told me so this morning, gently. I heard him, and I agree.

Complaining is a form on unskillful speech, and a form of delusion. Sloppy mind hoping to relieve the pain, by sharing it with others. Forgetting that physical pain is for one to bear, alone. Wise mind knows better, and understands value of restrained expression.

Next time you experience physical pain, don't be like me. Instead, be gracious, and be a good company, to yourself, and to others. And more importantly, be grateful for pain, as opportunity to deepen your practice, noticing aversive mind.

Mindfulness Can Be a Pain

Pain, physical pain, is in a category all of its own. Last night, during evening sitting at IMC, and earlier today, as I tried to go about my business, I couldn't help but notice, the dull, persistent ache in my back, real time. This is the beautiful thing about suffering in the body. Forced mindfulness. Of part in the flesh that hurts, and of reactive, unhappy feelings, and thoughts. I don't like this. I want pain-free body. Why now? I should have been more careful. Why did I insist on lifting suitcase? . . . . Craving no pain, resisting impermanence.

Remembering Ines Freedman's speech on renunciation, and her wise words about mindfulness and physical pain. To befriend achy spot repeatedly, using breath, and gentle acceptance. That works, up to a point. Pain not budging much, and neither is frustration. Thinking mind comes to the rescue, several times, taking body out of present, into another time, another place, where pain does not exist. Avoidance of what is.

Physical pain as teacher.

Who Is In Charge?

Sitting, ease of breathing soon gives way to pain in right middle back. I pulled a muscle a week ago. Pain becomes more intense with each breath. Throbbing, burning, radiating up and down whole right side. Meeting up other, chronic pain in lower back. And belly breath. New pain, old pain, belly breath, all three fighting for same space. Readjusting with each rise, and fall of diaphragm. I tell myself, to befriend the pain, all of it. Truth is annoyance, and wishing for pain to go away. Meanwhile breathing still, and staying with breath, when not subject to passing thoughts. Noticing how pain disappears in the midst of thoughts. Fear arises, at once. Huge, surprising. Trying to make sense, then deciding not now. With fear, comes a series of images. Obliterated castle, only contours still visible. Big old tree, turning into a dead tree. Thinking mind wants to interpret. Not now. Pain in body hardly there, anymore. Only fear. Monumental.

More and more, I get reminders of the reality of my fifty two year-old body, and of old age, and death approaching, surely. No matter how gracious I try to be about the whole thing, and pretend that, it is part of the course, and I don't mind aging, the reality is I am scared shitless. Facing my fear is one step in the direction of wisdom.

"If our body really belonged to us, it would obey our commands. If we say, 'Don't get old', or 'I forbid your to get sick', does it obey us? No, it takes no notice. We only rent this house, not own it." Ajahn Chah (as related by Jack Kornfield, in Voices of Insight)

The Gift of Sickness

The last couple days, my body's been asking for some attention. This morning's sitting was all about aches and pain. And my reaction to the discomfort. Pressure in the forehead kept drawing me. The doctor said I was fine. It's only a sinus headache, left over from viral infection a few weeks ago. Still I feel all head, and I don't like it. To sit still, and breathe, and make room for the persistent pain. Dislike, noted. Thoughts of business to take care of. More annoyance. Wishing for a pain-free, hassle-free state. Craving, noted. Many things in life, I don't get to pick and choose. Heightened awareness, of suffering, and impermanence, and the wisdom from not craving what is not, and not disliking the inevitable.

Today, I bow to the headache for another lesson in truth.

You Mean I Don't Have to Sit Like the Buddha?

I suffer from a chronic back condition that does not agree well with extended periods on the cushion. Some days are better than others. This morning not so good. All I could think of was the pain in my right lower back. Breathing into it, being with it, accepting it, getting absorbed into the surrounding noises, . . . noting the not liking, and the judging the not liking, going back to the breath, wishing for the bell to ring, acknowledging . . . The bell did ring.

I asked my teacher, what I am to do with the pain? Gil suggested I not be so hard on myself, and give my body a break instead. "Adopt whatever position works for your back. You don't want to make things worse. It's ok to change position in the middle of a sitting as long as you stay mindful. Some very good meditators need to move every 20'." Made sense.

For the second sitting, I decided to go for a chair. Much better. The pain was still there, a remnant from my earlier stint on the cushion, but not as pervasive. I even experienced long stretches without feeling or thinking about it. And I did follow Gil's advice, and listened to my body, and moved accordingly with each signal from my back. When I opened my eyes, I noticed a twinge of envy, as I saw other people in the room, sitting in perfect Buddha position. Then remembered Gil's talk. Standing, sitting, lying down, it's all good.

One Way Or the Other

I have this pain, right below the surface, that comes up soon after I sit. Let's face it, I would rather not have the pain, but I am no mistress in my house. The pain is there, and insists on being recognized. Being a good Buddhist, I tell myself to keep my heart open, open, open . . . And breathe through the center of my chest, where the pain dwells. I remember Jack Kornfield's gentle words last Sunday, to let breath breathe itself, and I relax into the pain. The ring of resistance opens, making space for the pain to come out. One tear, soon followed by many more . . . and a big sigh. The ring tightens, again. I have reached my limit, for now, and want out. I get lost into wishes for the bell to ring, soon, so that I can get up and go about my business, and forget. Avoidance, yes. Back to breathing. trying to focus. Oh! pain again, this time in my lower back and my thighs. Purely physical, and seemingly disconnected from its earlier, heartfelt version. And yet, begging for my attention just as much. One way or another, I am to embrace the pain. All of it. And not judge myself for succeeding only partly. I am convinced the world would be a much better place, if only more people were willing to face that which comes with being human: pain.

Bearing the Pain

The thrill of sitting in the presence of Blanche Hartman quickly vanished, once I settled in my seat. At first, I tried to ignore the pain. In my legs, and lower back. "I shall stay still no matter what" and try to focus on the breath. Aversion, I am feeling aversion towards the pain. Let me try to love it instead, breathe through the various parts. That worked before. Usually the pain becomes dull and I soon stop noticing. Not so this time. The pain became more intense, and my futile efforts at dealing with it caused more and more frustration. I longed for the bell to ring, and the time when I could stretch and give my body some relief. I am a creature of pleasure. I fundamentally do not like pain, physical, or otherwise. It is one thing to read about aversion and the need to retrain one's mind. It is another to live it in the moment, gracefully . . .