Be Mindful, Be Playful

This morning, sitting on my favorite chair, doing nothing, I found the mind playing catch with itself. Having fun with each new thought. First noticing, then seizing, then releasing the thought. Until the next one, and the next one, and the next one . . . Mind at ease with itself. Welcoming each manifestation with gentle curiosity.

Mingyur Rinpoche examplifies and talks best about playful mindfulness:

Playful mind. Not tense. Not lazy.

The mind can play with any object. Thoughts, yes, but also breath, body sensations, emotions, sounds . . . Because of the law of impermanence, one thing we can be assured of is that each moment is a new moment, entirely different from the previous one. Each moment, a complete surprise.

I am curious. Aren't you?

How Much Meditation?

Ask around how long to sit each day, and you are likely to get many different answers. Some believe, the longer the better. Others like Mingyur Rinpoche, advocate 'short times, many times'. At Zen Hospice, short 5 to 10 minutes mindful checkins before each shift appear to have a significant impact on the well-being of the volunteers and their ability to provide mindful, compassionate care. It certainly did for me. Yet others advocate a middle road. The standard length at IMC is 45 minutes, same as in Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction training. Ayya Khema recommends a minimum of 30 minutes every day. Intuitively, and also from personal experience, it seems that the mind needs a minimum amount of time in order to settle, and also that the longer, the more settling is to be expected, as in the case during retreats for instance. I make it a point to sit at least 30 minutes every morning. I also do shorter sittings throughout the day, and once in a while, I will do 45 minutes sittings, mostly when I sit with the IMC sangha. 

Turning to neuroscience research, there does not seem to be any conclusive answers, or at least not yet. 

An important question that deserves more investigation, it seems . . . 

Staying Calm With the Panic

Anxiety has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. It comes and goes, and just when I think I am done with it, here it is again. "Elle a un temperament anxieux"*, my mother used to say. The anxiety  tends to strike most while I am driving on the freeway. Mini-panic attacks that seem to come out of the blue, and that I have learned to survive by focusing on the breath, and the touch points between hands and steering wheel, and feet against floor. And when that fails, I distract myself, by giving the mind something to do, like switching stations on the radio player. That usually does the trick. 

Quite humbling!

From Mingyur Rinpoche, I have learned this about panic:

Tonight, sitting at my desk, writing this post, I can feel the anxiety rising again. There are no concurrent thoughts to disassemble with cognitive therapy techniques. Only buzzing energy to be aware of and befriend. 

Meditating on the panic . . . 

*She's got an anxious temperament.

"Short Periods, Many Times"

I have a wonderful gift I want to share with you. I first heard about it during a 'Joy of Living' retreat with Mingyur Rinpoche. 

'There are no rules governing formal practice. But there is one very practical guideline, which my father emphasized again and again to all of his students in a way that would make it easy for us to remember: Short periods, many times.'

This gift has become especially handy lately, as I have taxed both body and mind with too many hours of work, and not enough rest. Today, feeling fatigued, and yet having to deliver on several commitments, I followed Rinpoche's father's advice. Four times, I sat on the cushion, for 10' each, and I let mindfulness do its work. Mind refreshed, I was able to meet the demands from the day. 

Of course, I could have done myself violence, and endured instead a long sitting first thing this morning. The question is, what good would it have done?

To each day, its own rhythm, and meditation.

Relax First, Meditate Second

I have been enjoying Andrea Fella's recent talks on 'concentration'. There is much wisdom there, and great practical advice regarding how to be during sitting meditation. One point in particular has been informing my sittings as of late. Andrea talks about the need to relax first if one is to concentrate during meditation. This is so important!

Here are relevant notes from Andrea's talk:

When we think of how to concentrate we typically try to willfully stay with experience in order to get concentrated . . . There is this kind of grasping, holding on to something in effort to get concentrated . . . 

Relaxation is one of the best support for concentration. We are setting up the container of our meditation through learning how to bring attention to our experience in a relaxed way. Learning to find a way that will support this mind and this body to be relaxed and yet attentive . . . Starting with relaxation is a good beginning . . . Very ofthen my mind has habit of holding on to the breath. As soon as I see the mind trying, I go back to relaxation. I do this over and over again. At some point the attention figures out how to stay connected to the breath without tightening. We use relaxation to support the settling down of the mind and body. As soon as you feel the tension, you can release and relax it. We can add a little agenda to the relaxation too, an we have to watch that we don't get tight around that as well! . . . What does it mean for you to be relaxed and attentive? You need to explore and figure out way that works best for you. This is different for everyone . . . This is a mindfulness practice.

I was reminded of Mingyur Rinpoche's enactment of the serious meditator :)

Through experience, I am finding my own ways of bringing ease into meditation. First is using the breath to dissolve the tensions. Breathing in, breathing out through the tightness, can go a long way. Then, there is the overall attitude I bring of gratitude for the practice, something I learned from Ayya Khema:

Loving kindness is another support that allows me to feel safe and to let go of unnecessary tightening. And last, there is focusing on sounds. Hearing meditation is one of the easiest doors for me to access concentration.

How do you relax when you sit? Please share . . . 

The Truth of Not Knowing

Sitting this morning, I watched as various ideas of self came and went. The dutiful wife, the good meditator, the competent therapist, the concerned mother, the smart presenter, the unsure woman, the insightful blogger, . . . all taking turn to interrupt  sweet flow of breath, and simple hearing of bird sounds. 

Then, fear. Into the heart, down the arms, in the guts, down the legs, in the throat. I remembered Mingyur Rinpoche's talk on panic:

Relaxing the body, and being friend with fear. Fear receding. 

Then, irritation . . . and awareness of the irritation about the irritation. Irritation relaxing a bit, making room for an edge of sadness. Mind's urge to want to know, explain away, interpret. Frustration of no answer.

Sitting with discomfort of stinging heaviness, and not knowing.

Sitting . . .  

Our Own Mother

Yesterday, after posting my short bit,  I realized I had left out one important factor in the filling of the glass: 

If we want a realistic relationship with ourselves that is conducive to growth, when we need to become our own mother. A sensible mother can distinguish between behavior that is useful for her child and that which is detrimental, but she does not stop loving the child when it misbehaves. This may be one of the most important aspects to consider in ourselves. Everyone, at one time or another, misbehaves in thought, speech, or action - most frequently in thought, fairly frequently in speech, and not so often in action. What do we do with that? What would a mother do? She would tell the child not to do it again, reassure the child of her continual love, and get on with the job of bringing up her child. Maybe we can start bringing up ourselves.

~ From Be an Island, by Ayya Khema ~ 

Staying with the filling the glass image, what happens when one is cut from the source, or when the water cannot flow freely, or when the water that flows is polluted with undesirable elements? What happens when we have not internalized the capacity to be a good mother to ourselves? What are we do do? Are we to keep on meditating, hoping that sustained mindfulness will bring to light our chronic self-hatred and dissolve it ultimately? Are we to pay a visit to a psychotherapist and get reparented? Or are we to do both?

So many folks have trouble forgiving themselves for their imperfections, and when they sit, the process of seeing their misdeeds up close, only reinforces their sense of badness. This is where contemporary meditation teachers such as U Tejaniya, U Jotika, Thich Nat Hanh, or Mingyur Rinpoche can play such a crucial role in emphasizing that core issue of one's fundamental attitude towards oneself. 

Psychotherapy is another path towards self-forgiveness, and internalizing the good mother image. This is the road I took before I discovered meditation. Actually, the same can be accomplished through a personal relationship with a meditation teacher as long as he or she is sufficiently grounded in the feminine principle.  

Can you forgive yourself? How tolerant are you of your imperfections? Do you basically love yourself

Can Emotions Be Changed?

A Look at the Nature of Emotions, and How to Work with Them From Buddhist Psychology Perspective.

Thanks to one of my Dharma friends from Tathagata Center, I have discovered another Burmese gem. This time, it is U Jotika, an elusive Theravada monk, whose monastery I have not been able to locate yet. I have heard he spends most his time traveling all over Burma and Southeast Asia. U Jotika's balanced approach reminds me of Ajahn Chah. Today, I contemplate his teachings on the whole notion of 'changing emotions':

In some books I read about mental states and consciousness and wisdom and they say that you can change your anger into love; that is impossible! You cannot change your anger into love, into metta, you can’t change dosa (hatred, aversion) into metta; dosa arises and passes away as dosa. Loving kindness (metta) arises as loving kindness and passes away as loving kindness; it cannot change its nature. Its unique, natural characteristic does not change. It only arises and passes away; that is why it is impermanent (anicca). There is a lot of confusion even among meditators about this point; some people think that they can change one thing into another. In a definition of anicca they say that paramattha does not change. There is a Pali sentence that says that paramattha does not change. Some people are confused about the meaning of this. If reality, paramattha does not change it means that it is permanent. No, it doesn’t change its nature, but it arises and passes away. Arising and passing away, impermanence and not changing nature does not contradict. This is a very important point especially for those who are potential teachers.

~ from 'Map of the Journey', by U Jotika ~ 

To be contrasted with Ayya Khema's view on same topic:

Some [feelings] are pleasant, some are unpleasant, some are neutral, but our reactions don't have to be preplanned, impulsive, instinctive. We can look at them with mindfulness and put the brakes on. Substitution is much easier than just dropping what is in the mind. Although dropping is the perfect way to get rid of clinging, it is more difficult because it is a letting-go aspect. In the beginning, substitution is a necessary response . . . When aversion, rejection, resistance, anger, jealousy, pride, greed, or craving arise within, we can take a moment to look at them mindfully. When we recognize their burdensome impact on us, we understand that we need not continue to let them exist. We can substitute compassion, or the idea that they are not important, or the understanding of impermanence, or corelessness. This is particularly true of anger, which makes life so very unpleasant for oneself and others. When we get angry with a person, we can ask ourselves first of all, "What am I getting angry at? Is it the hair, the nose, the eyes, or what? Am I getting angry at his words? If it is really unpleasant speech, it means the other person is unhappy. "Why should I get angry, then? Why can't I be compassionate?" If we can change our anger to compassion, we will feel good, the other person will feel good, and we will have taken a step forward on our spiritual path. 

~ from 'When the Iron Eagle Flies', by Ayya Kkema ~

 And also Mingyur Rinpoche:

If emotion is too overwhelming, 1) go back to other objects of meditation, such as sounds, smells, forms, breath, etc . . . or, 2) make a different emotion, eg, anger instead of panic (gossipy neurons will join anger group instead of panic group)

~ my notes from Rinpoche's recent Joy of Living Retreat ~ 

Three teachers, three different approaches that may seem contradictory on the surface. Upon closer examination, however, the differences may have to do more with semantics.  In the end, it all has to do with the power of the mind to not react, and to insert itself in the midst of powerful emotions. Situations cause feelings that cause thoughts, that cause emotions, that cause feelings, that cause emotions, etc . . . Of course emotions are what they are, and cannot be changed. Their demise can be hasted however, with mindfulness about their effect on us, and the cause and effect relationship between thoughts and emotions. 'Changing' emotions actually involves letting go of defilement, and cultivating instead a wholesome mind state, including wholesome thoughts and emotions. 

This is my take. What do you think?

Proving Rinpoche Right

Using Substitution to Deal With Grief and Other Difficult Emotional States.

"Make a different emotion", was one of the ways I was taught by Mingyur Rinpoche, to deal with a difficult emotional state. At the time, I had wondered . . . 

Today, I finally experienced firsthand what Rinpoche meant. Actually, I did not make a different emotion. Rather, a different emotion made itself. 

I woke up feeling the effect of the day before at Zen Hospice. A feeling of intense grief from having accompanied two of the residents there, close to the death door. I knew to take it easy, and cleared my calendar. Slowly drank my morning tea, read all three sections of the New York Times, sat in the sun, petted the dogs, went swimming . . . All good, but not enough. The fragility was still there.

A petty argument with my mate, about bread gone stale, succeeded where all the earlier TLC had failed. So annoyed I was by such a ridiculous episode, that I was soon filled with hot energy. Previously weak heart, started beating furiously again. Gone the grief, in the anger. I could move on now . . . 

This is what Rinpoche meant. The heart can only be filled with one strong emotion at a time, just like the mind can only entertain one thought at once. 

The Lynchpin of Emotional Awareness

Sitting this morning, I was able to clearly see the 3 steps of being with emotions. It goes like this:

1. Awareness of sense experience
2. Awareness of emotional reaction to sense experience
3. Awareness of feeling about emotional reaction

A simple translation of Mingyur Rinpoche's 'Step Back' instruction for 'emotion meditation', and Gil Fronsdal's talk on 5 Hindrances. 

I find step 3 to be the lynchpin of complete emotional awareness, the part in the whole process that can get easily overlooked, and yet holds the greatest transformative power.

This morning, for instance, I 'saw' my annoyance with discomfort in the body from persistent cough. Harder to become aware of, was my dislike of the annoyance. Left untracked for a while, the dislike caused me to evade present moment, going into planning mode and thoughts about the future. As soon as I placed my attention on feeling about annoyance, I was instantly brought back to the now, and could stay there, no problem. The same thing applies to positive emotions, and the natural tendency to cling to what feels good. I found that whenever that happens, inevitably, my mind takes over sooner or later, this time in the form of fantasies about the pleasant emotional experience.

When Sleep Catches Awareness

A slight case of mid-afternoon sleepiness, gave me an opportunity to practice Mingyur Rinpoche's instructions for 'sleeping meditation'.

Boredom, sleepiness, dullness, drowsiness, etc can all become support for meditation. There is nothing to do other than being aware. Starting with normal sitting meditation posture, and then no longer worrying about it. Body can do whatever it needs to do. Rinpoche demonstrated and had his body almost drop to the floor. Eventually, letting sleeping catch awareness. With practice, all sleep can become awareness.

3 signs of sleeping meditation:

1. no dreams
2. when one wakes up, the awareness is right there
3. the body feels very restful afterwards

I did not fall asleep, but I did experience a different way of being with the sleepiness. Inclusive, vast. Amounting to nothing less than a profound change in the way I was able to rest in awareness, completely, without any holding back. 

Oh! the joy from embracing all that is . . . 

Mingyur Rinpoche's Playing Tricks With Monkey Mind

Last weekend, Mingyur Rinpoche taught us how to deal with 'monkey mind', the crazy, restless part of our mind that causes us so much suffering. Making ample use of paradox, Rinpoche explained how to use monkey mind to free ourselves from monkey mind. I was reminded of structural family therapist Salvador Minuchin's clever paradoxical interventions with families.

Mingyur Rinpoche's Monkey Puppet

Below, my notes from the day, unedited . . . 

How to meditate with sixth consciousness, mental consciousness (monkey mind), is most important.

We know two kinds of dukkha (suffering/dissatisfaction/discomfort):

• self, or mind created - 95% of dukkha 
• natural

One example is fear of dying which is a lot worse than death itself.

Rinpoche's story, to illustrate how to use problem as antidote:

When I was in training in the monastery, I once got water stuck in my ear. The sound from water swishing around drove me crazy. I went to my teacher and asked him what should I do? He told me to pour more water into my ear. I did, and that way was able to get all the water out.

Same with monkey mind. Use monkey mind to free monkey mind.

We usually have two responses to monkey mind:

• "Yes, Sir" - being controlled by monkey mind, monkey mind as our bad boss
• "Get out!" - aversion to monkey mind, monkey mind as our enemy

Instead, we need to make friend with monkey mind - "Hello!"

When we put our awareness on monkey mind, monkey mind becomes a support for our awareness.

Monkey mind is made up of thoughts and emotions and entails three things:

• Images
• Words
• Body sensations 

Images and words are most connected with thoughts, and sensations with emotions.

Emotions, particularly long time developed emotions are more difficult to use as support for meditation, at least at first. That is because it is difficult to get out of habits. Hence, one should start by learning first how to use thoughts as support for meditation. 

Thought meditation:

• Having thoughts is not a problem
• If one runs into expectations about thoughts, use these as support for meditation
• When watching thoughts there are two possible experiences, maybe you can see them, maybe not - if you cannot see, you are into open awareness, like being at a bus stop waiting for the bus - if you can see thought, then awareness of thought as object - either way, two great meditation experiences.
• If you want to use thought as support for meditation you can - using them just like sounds, or breath - watching them come and go
• Like watching "inner television" - only problem is program is quite old - that's ok, keep on watching same program, the result of watching will be different each time - analogy of swimming, only five strokes, but experience of Olympic swimmer is quite different from person who is learning how to swim.
• When watching thoughts, it is important to be uncontrived - whatever happens, happens.

Emotion meditation:

• Difficult with long time held emotions, because of very strong habits of fighting or surrendering
• It is very important to talk about emotions, as first step before meditation
• There are four steps for emotion meditation.

Four steps of emotion meditation:

1. Main practice, with two parts: 1) recognize emotion, which often means feeling it more fully - mountain analogy: when you see the mountain, that means you are out of the mountain, but at first, it may seems as if mountain is bigger, 2) don't ask question, only be aware of three aspects of emotion - audio (verbal), video (images), body (sensations)
2. Try something different: if emotion is too overwhelming, 1) go back to other objects of meditation, such as sounds, smells, forms, breath, etc . . . or, 2) make a different emotion, eg, anger instead of panic (gossipy neurons will join anger group instead of panic group)
3. Take a break: if 1) and 2) don't work, or if you feel too exhausted, like a computer running out of battery, don't meditate - instead, rest, do physical exercise, get a cup of coffee, appreciate being alive . . . 
4. Step back: look at booster of emotion, which is often stronger than emotion itself, eg, fear of panic, dislike of anger, expectations about emotion, etc . . .  and turn it into object of meditation.

Brilliant, simple, practical. A breath of fresh air in Dharmadom . . . For more teachings from Mingyur Rinpoche, you may want to read his two books: The Joy of Living, and Joyful Wisdom, and also visit his website.

Innocent Movement

It started during the last day of Mingyur Rinpoche's retreat. An iron hand pressing down on my chest, then slowly moving up to encircle throat, and head. I had the same experience again this morning, during sitting meditation at home. The energy felt even stronger. Remembering Rinpoche's instructions, I knew better than to believe interpreting mind. This was not a panic attack, nor something to be feared, but rather a manifestation of "innocent movement". 

My notes from Rinpoche's talk on the topic:

Innocent movement is a part of meditation process. It is important to recognize and not get attached.

Four signs of innocent movement are:

1. Physical sensations: very real sensations of unusual warmth in stomach or in the head, tingling in the spine, tightness in the throat, chest or stomach
2. Sensitive perceptions: seeing colors, fireflies, visions, or dream like states, sounds, smells that are not real
3. Emotions: feeling of energy, positive or negative, which is partly real, partly not
4. Senses: alternating between up and down, happy and anger, not real

This does not mean that you are special, or that you are going crazy.

Practical steps to take when faced with innocent movement:

1. Drink water
2. Do physical exercise
3. Stop meditation for as long as needed

Taking Rinpoche's prescription to heart, and looking forward to mid-day swim practice :)

Mingyur Rinpoche's Meditation Cure For Pain

Day 2 with Mingyur Rinpoche.

After seven hours of sitting in unfriendly chair, my back was screaming, and ready for the master's instructions for pain meditation:

• Don't try to get rid of the pain. This is the opposite of our normal responses which are: 1) being afraid of the pain, 2) wishing for the pain to go away; in both cases end result is more pain
• Rather, turn pain into object of meditation, just like any other object, such as breath, or sounds. 
• Just become aware of pain/discomfort, seeing it develop with clarity
• Welcome it as a friend.
• If you cannot make friend with the pain, and you notice either fear or aversion, then make fear/aversion the object of meditation - using them as support for meditation
• Learn with small pain at first, otherwise one risks getting overwhelmed with big pain
• With attention, pain may becomes bigger - this is not bad; Rinpoche gave the analogy of dried cow dung on a wall. When the dung is dry it does not smell. As soon as one starts to apply water on it to clean it, the smell gets released, and gets more and more intense as more water is applied. This is temporary however but a necessary step before the wall can be all clean. More pain signals purification process. 
• If pain becomes too overwhelming, turn the attention to other objects: sounds, breath, forms, smells, etc . . . 
• Eventually, meditation on pain heals the pain.

Eyes closed, listening to Rinpoche's voice, I met the pain in my back, and felt it spread even wider. There was dislike, for sure. Turning my attention to the aversion itself, the pain receded in the background, until it . . . well, vanished!

Pain meditation. Healing meditation. 

Dharma Play With Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche

Last night was the beginning of our weekend retreat with Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche, a funny, very happy, little guy from Tibet, and also extremely gifted Dharma teacher. 

Here is a (bad iPhone) picture of the Rinpoche acting out the 'serious meditator':

His instructions for meditation - abbreviated version:

1. Don't meditate (as in don't take yourself too seriously and tense up)
2. Don't get lost (as in stay aware)

Now off to day 2 of retreat, and looking forward to some more joy, play, and simplicity from Mingyur!

PS- I never quite know which part of his name to use in short. Yongey, Mingyur, Mingyur Rinpoche, Yongey Mingyur . . . Do you know?