Nothing To Be Clung To

Sitting, the words come:
'nothing to be clung to'

Not getting into stories,
and from many times before,
the almost certainty of this:
'nothing to be clung to'

Breathing in, breathing out,
relaxing around the edges
of the habitual tightness:
'nothing to be clung to'

Years of tensing, grasping,
cannot be undone that quickly
It is only a matter of time:
'nothing to be clung to'

There is no need
to find out the object even,
for none is worth the desire:
'nothing to be clung to'

Sitting, the words come:
Nothing to be clung to.

Sitting 'Til the End

It's a physical and a mind thing

Sitting, feeling the full effect of Mara's attack

Cold blood coursing through whole body

Throat tightening, and the usual knots in the stomach

The Buddha, too, felt the same way, minutes 

before the light dawned on him

It helps to name the poisons of fear, and aversion

and to trace their source, back to the mind's doings

Thoughts about a perceived enemy, real close by,

and what might happen if, if I do this,

what might he do? and quick the wisdom to not linger

and choose a different place upon which to dwell

Loving kindness, yes, that he may be well, and at peace,

that I too, may be at peace, and at ease . . .

Not expecting too much too quickly, and feeling 

the full effect from the poison, unwillingly taken

Sitting 'til the end, sitting still 'til the bell ring.

Calming Bodily Formations

I have a new mantra. It naturally arose during the course of sitting, day after day. Gil had planted the seeds a while ago, during his talk on the Satipatthana Sutta.

Taking hold in the mind, this teaching he shared, from the Buddha:

He trains thus: 'I shall breathe in tranquillising the bodily formation'; he trains thus: 'I shall breathe out tranquillising the bodily formation.'

I made it my own:

'Breath. Calming bodily formations.'

Giving the breath all its power. Breath as ultimate refuge.

Constriction, tension, pain, hotness, coldness, fear, anger . . . slowly dissolved, one breath in, one breath out at a time. Trusting in Buddha's wisdom, that this is the way.

Why Sit?

Sitting with nothing to do.
but just sit

and watch the ebbs and flows
of breath
and the frequent interruptions
of thoughts
a lot about 'me'.

Sitting with nothing to do
but just sit

and listen to the sounds
outside, and inside
and feel
the random pains
and pleasures.

Sitting with nothing to do
but just sit

and not liking
being with the unpleasantness
a lot of the time
still hoping for some bliss
secretly.

Sitting with nothing to do
but just sit

and see the true nature
of mind
making up stuff
when there is only
body sitting quiet.

Sitting with nothing to do
but just sit.

On the Cushion

Sitting
Sitting still
Sitting amidst
Sitting nevertheless
Sitting through
Sitting with
Sitting

(inspired by tonight's sitting with IMC sangha and Gil Fronsdal)

Relax First, Meditate Second

I have been enjoying Andrea Fella's recent talks on 'concentration'. There is much wisdom there, and great practical advice regarding how to be during sitting meditation. One point in particular has been informing my sittings as of late. Andrea talks about the need to relax first if one is to concentrate during meditation. This is so important!

Here are relevant notes from Andrea's talk:

When we think of how to concentrate we typically try to willfully stay with experience in order to get concentrated . . . There is this kind of grasping, holding on to something in effort to get concentrated . . . 

Relaxation is one of the best support for concentration. We are setting up the container of our meditation through learning how to bring attention to our experience in a relaxed way. Learning to find a way that will support this mind and this body to be relaxed and yet attentive . . . Starting with relaxation is a good beginning . . . Very ofthen my mind has habit of holding on to the breath. As soon as I see the mind trying, I go back to relaxation. I do this over and over again. At some point the attention figures out how to stay connected to the breath without tightening. We use relaxation to support the settling down of the mind and body. As soon as you feel the tension, you can release and relax it. We can add a little agenda to the relaxation too, an we have to watch that we don't get tight around that as well! . . . What does it mean for you to be relaxed and attentive? You need to explore and figure out way that works best for you. This is different for everyone . . . This is a mindfulness practice.

I was reminded of Mingyur Rinpoche's enactment of the serious meditator :)

Through experience, I am finding my own ways of bringing ease into meditation. First is using the breath to dissolve the tensions. Breathing in, breathing out through the tightness, can go a long way. Then, there is the overall attitude I bring of gratitude for the practice, something I learned from Ayya Khema:

Loving kindness is another support that allows me to feel safe and to let go of unnecessary tightening. And last, there is focusing on sounds. Hearing meditation is one of the easiest doors for me to access concentration.

How do you relax when you sit? Please share . . . 

The Power of Sounds to Unify Mind

Some of my most profound experiences during sitting meditation, come from connecting with outside sounds. 

Sounds coming to meet the ears, and acting as bridge between narrow self and limitless outer world. 

This morning, listening to tick-tack, I had fuzzy sense of awareness being somewhere between clock, and ears. Gone, the mind-created boundary between physical body and the atmosphere surrounding it . . . and in its place, the sweet freedom from not not knowing, 'where is sound?' 

I am curious, when you sit, and you close your eyes, how is your experience of sounds?

Meditation in Saint-Sulpice

Following up on yesterday's resolution, I went to Saint-Sulpice to meditate. Prad came with me. We picked seats in the back row of one of the side chapels where it was most quiet. And bowed to each other, and started to sit, eyes closed in the sticky warmth. 

For a second, I wondered, did I know how to do this, still? That's how disconnected I felt. Staying with the feeling, and the buzzing energy, I found my way in, back to myself, very quickly though. All of it. Breath, sensations in the body, thoughts, emotions, hearing, smelling, touching, all the contact experiences between senses and the outside, . . . Soon, the incense, the steps and the whispers from tourists started to recede. There was no longer emotions, pleasant or unpleasant, nor thoughts. I had found my center, again. Right at the edge of the deep water well, where breath becomes so subtle and sweet. And was reminded of time passing, by the sound of Christian hymns coming afar, from the main altar, and signaling the start of the seven o'clock mass. Opened my eyes, and turned towards Prad, touching his right arm, softly. 

Out of the church, we walked, feeling anew.

Sitting meditation. Such a gift to self. I just wonder about the people who do not meditate, and how they must feel. I think once one has tasted from the pure water of stillness, it is almost impossible to not want it again. 

The Power of Felt Powerlessness

Visiting the Total Care Unit at Laguna Honda Hospital yesterday, stirred things up in me, that I am only starting to comprehend now. The sight of men and women, trapped in their bodies, and unable to do anything for themselves, even breathing, resonated with buried part that keeps me bound, despite my will. 

Hands still, mouth shut, 

I sit and feel

the powerlessness from long time ago.

First grade, oblivious,

I want to walk about and play,

not sit and read.

I will teach you, she says,

and sits me down,

and ties my hands behind my back,

and puts tape over my mouth.

Powerless, I want to kick and scream.

Will someone please rescue me?

Powerlessness, dissolving under the light of bare awareness . . . What Jack Kornfield describes in his chapter on 'The Ancient Unconscious', in 'The Wise Heart'. 

Giving Mind a Break

Listening to the gentle voice of Bob Stahl*, as he guides our class into hearing meditation, I become aware of active mind, quick to jump in, and associate, and anticipate, and judge. Each sound, heard, labeled, and superimposed with thoughts, and ensuing feelings, and urges to act.

Not a bad thing. Mind needs to decide, does sound mean danger or not? can I stay seated in meditation chair, or is some other action required? To that end, mind uses all resources at its disposal, in form of memory, deductive reasoning, and stored in wisdom. I understand.

From useful attention, to hyper-alertness, however, the mind easily leaps. Sitting, I surrender to easy flow of breath, in and out, in and out, in and out . . . and give mind permission to take a break. What could possibly happen during next few minutes of meditation? AC, throats clearing, hallway noises, . . .  all heard, in trust, as if for the first time. And then, an island of calm. Sweet.  

* Bob Stahl is trainer for MBSR Practicum towards MBSR teacher certification (MBSR stands for Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction)

The Freedom No One Can Touch

In the semi-darkness,
I heard the door slam
and key lock,

and I saw a bag of grief,
jamming up my throat,
heavy with sorrow and anger.

I felt the gentle caress of breaths,
back and forth,
against sensitive spot,

and I thought ideas of freedom,
a whole train of them,
quickly dropped into thin air.

I sat for the longest time,
until only space remained,
vast, limitless,

and I delighted
in the bliss of freedom,
that no one can touch.

I opened my eyes
back to the light of day,
and a circle of sunflowers,

and went about my day,
wanting to tell the whole world,
my joyful secret.

In the Buddha's Footsteps

Off, I am to India, to follow the footsteps of the Buddha, under the guidance of Shantum Seth. A 16 day pilgrimage during which I will get to visit all the places that marked the Buddha's life. Complete with meditation, talks, and site visits.

Sitting this morning before leaving, I got a taste of clinging, deep down, in the midst of just breath. I don't do well with separations, and this time is no exception. Leaving behind loved ones, and the sweetness of home, is creating some friction. In the Buddha's footsteps, I just sat and observed what it felt like to hang on, to what cannot be had. There was love, tainted with sadness, and fear of loss also. Further along, was boredom, and resistance to staying with the unpleasantness. In the Buddha's footsteps, I knew better than to quit, and continued to sit, breath by breath.

PS - Not sure how much  I will be able to write while on the pilgrimage . . .

Nothing Wrong With Monkey Mind

Monkey mind kept interrupting train of breath. Rising, falling, rising, falling . . . effort to focus succeeded up to a point, until thoughts, again, and again. How about counting breaths from one to ten? I tried that as well, and encountered limited success, still. There was irritation, and contraction for sure, from not liking thinking mind having the upper hand. Awareness showed judgement at work, as in monkey mind equal bad meditator, and reality clashing with wish for perfection, or rather my idea of it. 

Clear seeing put monkey to rest, shifting energy to heart place instead. Breathing became more faint, as heart filled up with not sure feeling. I became aware of resistance, and temptation of ending. Enough noticing, to make me stay. Ending with heart, and breath, and cloud of diffuse knowing, a sense of, I have been in that place before, many times. Tenderness.

Sometimes I am a monkey, and that's ok.

Balancing the Mind

Armed with the determination of self-discipline, I sat. And found thoughts, rushing with the temptation of, 'got to blog about this' pseudo-insights. I knew better than to stop meditation, and jot down those brilliant ideas. Noting thinking, thinking . . . then going back to breath, over and over. Soon, compelling tightness in the throat, and jaws, got my attention, in between 'clever' thoughts, still. Telltale sign of unwholesome state, with ensuing suffering in tow.  Awareness mobilized, and shining the light on tightness, tightness . . . and breath . . . and thinking . . .

U Pandita, on "A Balanced Mind", in "In This Very Life":

The third support for the arising of investigation is balancing the controlling faculties of faith, wisdom, mindfulness, energy and concentration. . . Four of these five faculties are paired: wisdom and faith, effort and concentration. The practice depends in fundamental ways upon the equilibrium of the pairs.

. . . The balance between effort and concentration works like this: if one is overenthusiastic and works too hard, the mind becomes agitated and cannot focus properly on the object of observation. Slipping off, it wanders about, causing much frustration. Too much concentration, however, can lead to laziness and drowsiness. When the mind is still and it seems easy to remain focused on the object, one might begin to relax and settle back. Soon one dozes off.

. . . The most basic way of maintaining balance and of reestablishing it when it is lost, is to strengthen the remaining controlling faculty, mindfulness. 

Mindfulness is such a beautiful thing!

Sitting On the Egg

This morning I woke up with heart racing from anxiety about upcoming India trip. Mind still fresh from day long with Gil, and his talk on 5 Hindrances, I knew better than to give into restless mind. And so I sat, like the mother hen in U Pandita's story below:

The Buddha gave a rather homely example which illustrates just how the results of meditation are attained. If mother hen lays an egg with a sincere wish for it to hatch, but then runs off and leaves the egg exposed to nature’s elements, the egg will soon rot. If, on the other hand, mother hen is conscientious in her duties toward the egg, sitting on it for long periods every day, the warmth of her body will keep the egg from rotting and will also permit the chick within to grow. Sitting on the egg is mother hen’s most important duty. She must do this in the proper way, with her wings slightly spread out to protect the nest from rain. She must also take care not to sit heavily and crack her egg. If she sits in proper style and for sufficient time, the egg will naturally receive the warmth it needs to hatch.

Inside the shell, an embryo develops beak and claws. Day by day the shell grows thinner. During mother hen’s brief excursions from the nest, the chick inside may see a light that slowly brightens. After three weeks or so, a healthy yellow chick pecks its way out of its claustrophobic space. This result happens regardless of whether the hen foresaw the outcome. All she did was sit on the egg with sufficient regularity.

. . . I hope you will take this analogy of mother hen into deep consideration. just as she hatches her chicks without hopes or desire, merely carrying out her duties in a conscientious way, so may you well incubate and hatch your practice.

May you not become a rotten egg.

Yes.

The Wisdom of Tight Stomach

Reminded by U Pandita in his book, In this Very Life, that meditation is best conducted in a very quiet place, I seized early morning opportunity to sit when the house was empty. All to the joy of meeting self, undisturbed, I settled in usual black chair, making sure body was happy, and closed my eyes. Quick, breath did its job of taking me to place of quiet and contentment, where thoughts, and other surface phenomena couldn't reach. Lingering in blissful state for a while, I started to worry that it might not last. Somebody, something could interrupt . . . A realistic thought laced with not so wise fear, from grasping to what could not be held. Stomach acknowledged with a slight pinch. 

Hard knock on the door, from impatient daughter, needing "to make a copy right now",  jarred me out of meditative state. I retreated into the basement, where I was met by coldness of unheated room. Still perturbed by disruption, and unsure about the appropriateness of my new surroundings, I resumed sitting, nevertheless. And found full blown knot in the stomach. Here we go again, I thought, with all in anger manifesting into stomach. The link was clear, just like yesterday, and the day before. 

Clinging -> Fear, Frustration -> Contracted stomach -> Suffering

And I became incredibly grateful for tight stomach, that let me know whenever I start clinging. A clinging indicator of some sort. 

How things change! I used to dread the unpleasantness of tight stomach. Now I welcome it, as my most trusted friend along the path of liberation. 

From the Gut

In case I did not get the message yesterday, today brought another dream, another sitting, about grasping. There, deep inside the body, was the tight knot, again. Same one I had felt in the dream, and also during yesterday's dream and meditation. Getting harder, tighter, more painful with each gentle breath. Making very clear, in case I had any doubts still, the connection between grasping and suffering. Right there in the flesh. The more holding on, the tighter the grip, and the more painful the feeling. It got to the point where knot seemed as if it had reached its limit, and more tightness was not a possibility any more. Something had to give. Awareness shifting to joy of being completely present to core experience. Breath relaxing into the joy, and the tightness, side by side. Knot loosening, a bit. Bell ring. Already?

From understanding the Buddha's words, that say "Desire is the root of suffering", to knowing that same truth from the gut, lies a world of difference.

From Greed to Rapture

Still fresh from powerful sitting experience . . .

It started with just breath, and the imprint, still fresh in body, of contraction in earlier dream state. A dream about greed, and money, and fear of not having enough, and resulting tightness that did not let love in.

Quickly dropping into the depth of self, I meet contraction, right in the center. Feeling it tighten even more, under the gaze of intent awareness. Tightening, tightening, until it burns my whole inside. Oh! the suffering. From grasping, grasping, more and more . . .  Gentle breath, one after the other, enveloping the inferno, with great patience and love. Paradox of joy from great clarity, and the sense of being at one with reality of hell. Leading to burning mass dissolving into internal cavity, gradients evening out between hotness and coolness.  Happy feeling. Noticing subtle clinging to joy itself. And almost at once, strange sensation in body. Energy rising from base of the spine, and moving up in corkscrew motion, all way up. Soon whole upper body starts rocking back and forth, uncontrollably, in small motions. Energy now moving straight up, in waves. I become cylindric column of energy, and rocking body.

Going back to my notes from Gil's Dharma Day last Friday, about 'Rapture', part of his series on Seven Factors of Awakening - parts relevant to today's experience:

Joy is important part of Buddhist practice, and foundation for practice. It makes it easier to encounter our suffering. Paradoxical nature. Interesting juxtaposition, when seeing suffering and being happy. Often times, energy of mind and attention is fragmented, and drains us. Deep contentment and joy come when energy of attention is settled. Joy can then bubble up from within and fills us. Leading to concentration, energies being unified and flowing easily

Buddha's expected ways of having joy for renunciates:

1. practice, knowing path of liberation
2. freedom from not having mind that has mind of its own
3. being secure enough in oneself to be able to share success of others
4. joy of meditation when mind is deeply concentrated; meditative joy has a lot to do with being absorbed into object of contemplation.
5. mind finds tranquillity 

Importance of being relaxed, and being open, allowing what needs to move through. Looking into currents of experience, feelings, energy.

5 different physical manifestations of meditative joy/rapture:

1. goose bumps
2. flashes
3. waves
4. light
5. equalized

All with varying degrees of intensity. Eventually one becomes tired of it, and starts feeling ordinary again. This helps detach, and move to the next level of change. 

I appreciate Gil's ordinary approach to rapture. A normal experience, just like any other along the path. No more, no less. Not be clinged to, not to be pushed away.

The Joy of Still, Flowing Water

Ajahn Chah's wisdom has been seeping through my mind, helping me see with greater clarity what true meditation is really about - from Living Dhamma, chapter on Still, Flowing Water:

You must allow your mind to fully experience things, allow them to flow and consider their nature. How should you consider them? See them as Transient, Imperfect and Ownerless. It's all uncertain. "This is so beautiful, I really must have it." That's not a sure thing. "I don't like this at all"... tell yourself right there, "Not sure!" Is this true? Absolutely, no mistake. But just try taking things for real..."I'm going to get this thing for sure"... You've gone off the track already. Don't do this. No matter how much you like something, you should reflect that it's uncertain.

Some kinds of food seem so delicious, but still you should reflect that it's not a sure thing. It may seem so sure, it's so delicious, but still you must tell yourself, "not sure!" If you want to test out whether it's sure or not, try eating your favorite food every day. Every single day, mind you. Eventually you'll complain, "This doesn't taste so good anymore." Eventually you'll think, "Actually I prefer that kind of food." That's not a sure thing either! You must allow things to flow, just like the in and out breaths. There has to be both the in breath and the out breath, the breathing depends on change. Everything depends on change like this.

. . . Start the practice for your own mind and body, seeing them as impermanent. Everything else is the same. Keep this in mind when you think the food is so delicious... you must tell yourself..."Not a sure thing!" You have to slug it first. But usually it just slugs you every time, doesn't it? If you don't like anything you just suffer over it. This is how things slug us. "If she likes me, I like her," they slug us again. You never get a punch in! You must see it like this. Whenever you like anything just say to yourself, "This is not a sure thing!" You have to go against the grain somewhat in order to really see the Dhamma.

. . . While sitting in meditation, some incident might arise. Before that one is settled another one comes racing in. Whenever these things come up, just tell yourself, "not sure, not sure." Just slug it before it gets a chance to slug you.

Now this is the important point. If you know that all things are impermanent, all your thinking will gradually unwind. When you reflect on the uncertainty of everything that passes, you'll see that all things go the same way. Whenever anything arises, all you need to say is, "Oh, another one!"

Have you ever seen flowing water?... have you ever seen still water?... If your mind is peaceful it will be just like still, flowing water. Have you ever seen still, flowing water? There! You've only ever seen flowing water and still water, haven't you? But you've never seen still, flowing water. Right there, right where your thinking cannot take you, even though it's peaceful you can develop wisdom. Your mind will be like flowing water, and yet it's still. It's almost as if it were still, and yet it's flowing. So I call it "still, flowing water." Wisdom can arise here.

This morning I experienced firsthand the joy of still, flowing water. From quiet mind, all into witnessing the succession of phenomena unfolding inside, and my reactions to them. With detached impartiality and wise knowing.

Vignette from morning sitting:

peaceful moment with just breath, pleasure, subtle clinging, awareness of buried suffering from transient nature, detachment, easier transition into subsequent pain in belly, pain, aversion, awareness of temporary nature like anything else, letting go, another quiet break, pleasure again, clinging even less, full knowing of pleasure nature, not as great as it seems, jarring noise, welcomed, including slight aversion (slighter than usual), noise is not mine, another transient phenomena, not worth getting hung up on, pleasure from peace again, . . .

Each moment, a teaching opportunity, a validation of the Four Noble Truths . . .

The Wisdom of No Doubt

Joy of sitting in completely quiet house. Enjoying the rhythm of just breath, and going down quick, to place deep in the center, where body and mind fade into complete stillness. Nice, very nice . . . Half-way through, creeping thought of 'So what?', coupled with feeling of boredom, and wish to end. Wise mind intervenes, to not let doubt do its dirty work,  and replace it instead with patience, and determination. One more breath, one more breath, . . . each time stretching waning concentration, amidst passing thoughts. Until bell rings, almost too soon.