Monkey mind kept interrupting train of breath. Rising, falling, rising, falling . . . effort to focus succeeded up to a point, until thoughts, again, and again. How about counting breaths from one to ten? I tried that as well, and encountered limited success, still. There was irritation, and contraction for sure, from not liking thinking mind having the upper hand. Awareness showed judgement at work, as in monkey mind equal bad meditator, and reality clashing with wish for perfection, or rather my idea of it.
Clear seeing put monkey to rest, shifting energy to heart place instead. Breathing became more faint, as heart filled up with not sure feeling. I became aware of resistance, and temptation of ending. Enough noticing, to make me stay. Ending with heart, and breath, and cloud of diffuse knowing, a sense of, I have been in that place before, many times. Tenderness.
Sometimes I am a monkey, and that's ok.
Posts
Same thing happened to me this morning during my body scan meditation. Awareness and focus on particular area of the body shifting to thinking. I am baffled, amused and at the same time frustrated with the crazy pattern of my thoughts. The most random thoughts pop up (e.g. memories from years and years ago of a random event). Continually bringing my attention back to the body and my mind continually going back to thought. Accepting this 'way of the mind' with non-judgement and tenderness has been difficult to say the least! This is not stopping my commitment to the practice and for that, I am grateful.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the sharing Nate! Monkey minds find comfort in the company of others . . . Most helpful to me is knowing it is the mind's nature to think.
ReplyDelete