Undoing the Clinging Habit, One Breath at a Time

Meditating this morning, I sat with the intention of:

Remaining focused on the body in and of itself - ardent, alert, and mindful - putting aside greed and distress with reference to the world.

Remaining focused on the feelings in and of themselves - ardent, alert, and mindful - putting aside greed and distress with reference to the world.

Remaining focused on the mind in and of itself - ardent, alert, and mindful - putting aside greed and distress with reference to the world.

Remaining focused on mental qualities in and of themselves - ardent, alert, and mindful - putting aside greed and distress with reference to the world.

~ from The Four Frames of Reference in The Seven Sets, in A Table of the Wings of Awakenings, in Thanissaro Bhikkhu's The Wings to Awakening ~

and noticed once more, the mind's difficulties in putting aside greed and distress with reference to the world.

Mind kept on disrupting the calm flow of breath with its fabrications. 

First in the craving family: 'I really want to go to Target and check out the new Webster collection.' 'I want to finish up writing the grant.' 'It would be nice to have some cereals right now. Oh! how much I love the taste of dried cherries!' 

Then some random thoughts about people who have done me wrong some while ago. Why think of them now? Go figure . . . The aversion habit needed a fix.

Awareness catching up and noticing the physical and mental stress from such hunger pains, about not wanting the present moment or some representations of the past. Tightness in the stomach and in the jaws, tension in the mind . . . could only be eased a bit. Years of clinging habit could not be undone that quickly. Warm determination was in order, with the going back to the breath, over and over again, each time giving the mind a chance to put aside its usual preoccupations.

And oh! so close, the possibility of freedom, only one breath away. 

The Truth Behind Desire

I was so glad I went to IMC on Monday. Gil gave a great talk on 'desire'.

Here are my notes:

Desire is not to be rid of. Rather, we need to have a wise relationship with it. Some desires are worth having, others are not. Each time, we need to carefully evaluate, is this wise or not? is this helpful or not? Sometimes compulsion makes it impossible to have that reflection. To evaluate, we need to look at the consequences for ourselves, and also for others. 

Desires are layered. We need to look at the surface desire, and what is the motivation underneath the desire. The quality of our intention has a big impact on the overall quality of our life. Are we motivated primarily by love or hostility, generosity or greed? We need to ask what is the the main purpose for our life, and then evaluate each of our desires against that purpose. 

We need to understand who is in charge? Us, or the desire? Are we in such a state of calm, contentment, and clarity, that we can see the desire and then have no need to pick it up? 

Simple guidelines. Important wisdom. Not taking desire at face value.

I know for myself, there has been many times when seemingly 'good' desire was in fact rooted in greed. And while I had a subconscious, intuitive sense of the truth, I chose to ignore it, not realizing the ultimate price. Conversely, I have also noticed how 'bad' impulses often arise out of a hurt place. Next time ill will arises, I will not be so quick to judge and feel even worse for it. There is a loving path to take there, that leads to a place of non reactivity and self-compassion. 

How do you relate to desire?

The Gift of Pain

A few improper strokes in the pool a few weeks ago, that's all it took to bring me into the body, (almost) completely. The pain in my right shoulder has become hard to ignore. Nothing major, only unpleasantness and the added burden of aversion. In other words, a wonderful opportunity to practice and to become a little bit wiser. Every moment, a dance between the sensation of pain, the unpleasant feeling, and the next link in the chain of suffering, the craving for a pain free state. Dependent origination is not a theoretical construct . . . 

Physical pain, emotional pain . . . whatever unpleasantness has come your way today, how do you choose to live it? Do you use the experience as a way to practice a different way of being? Or do you let the aversion solidify into full blown "Why me?"? Or do you try to distract yourself into temporary non existence?

So many chances we have, to become more awake!

Temptations on Rue Dauphine

Every day, as I walk out of our hotel, on rue Dauphine, temptations await in the form of Desigual dresses and fancy sandals, and purses on sale for 60% off. I have sworn I will not buy anything during this trip. Now, I find my resolution waning.

I am reminded of the story about the Dalai Lama, driving down Fifth Avenue during Christmas, and being awed, and tempted by all the goods displayed in the store windows. And laughing about it . . . 

The Dalai Lama's human-ness serves to show me the difference between feeling the craving, and indulging it. It is actually quite an interesting process. Getting in touch with the unpleasantness, the physical tug at the throat, the frazzled energy that besiege me as I dwell in the wanting. And then imagining the temporary high from buying the Desigual dress, and the letdown that will follow. 

Revisiting my notes from earlier retreat with  Andrea Fella two months ago, particularly her talk on the Second Noble Truth:

When we get what we want, we get a double hit of pleasantness:

1) getting what we want

2) having pain of wanting go away

We start to believe the only way to get happiness is to get what we want combined with release of the wanting. As the pleasure of the satisfied craving fades away, we want more of same thing, or we create more wants. This is a perpetual cycle.

. . .

The Buddha recognized this was not very satisfying, and that a deeper happiness resulted from letting go of the craving. This requires a leap of faith. There are lots of opportunities for testing this out . . . Of getting in touch with feelings of wanting, and the experience of unpleasantness associated with wanting itself. Realizing that wanting is dependent on causes. Also seeing that feeling of wanting eventually disappears, and leads to feeling of satisfaction. This can get tricky, as when we start looking for, wanting moment when wanting disappear. It is not about getting rid of wanting, but instead understanding it, and as we do, it will let go of itself.

Using every moment as opportunity to practice. Forsaking the indulgence of small cravings for the chance to experience real, unconditioned happiness.

One More Round

Just when I thought,

I was done with the devil,

good news from a friend

on her way to the top,

threatened to send me back

to the hellish realms.

Old demons jumped at once,

from dark corners

and started to play tricks.

First was envy, whose bitter brew

I tasted only for an instant,

then spit, and washed away

with a dose of heartfelt rejoicing.

Then, an old craving awoke,

and started to torment me

with unreasonable demands

for what could not be had any more,

the fruit of which I had eaten before,

and decided I did not like.

Last came doubt,

under the guise of wisdom,

who begged me to please reconsider

the difficult path I had just chosen.

Familiar lines, heard several times

too many, were losing their power.

I took all three demons head on,

and sent them back flying.

Still a bit shaken

from such arduous confrontations,

I stood still,

and congratulated myself

for my resolve.