This morning surprised me with a few tweets announcing that Mind Deep had made it to the final round for the 2010 Blogisattva Awards. I could pretend that I don't care, that awards are just lollipops for the ego, not fit for someone like me who is trying so hard to not give into the 'I'. I could, and I would be lying. The truth is I got giddy visiting the Blogisattva site, and seeing my name mentioned not just once, but a whole bunch of times, including at the bottom, where it 'matters' most. Husband, daughter, close friends got promptly informed . . . I did not dare overtly brag on Twitter or Facebook, but the impulse was there.
Later, sitting, I was met early in the meditation with a knot in the throat, right in the midst of the excitement. Persistent, begging to be examined. Thoughts made it clear where the unpleasantness came from. 'Awards', 'nominated', 'finalists', 'best' . . . a few enticing words, that's all the self-making mind had needed to take me for a wild spin. Gone the calmness, gone the joy, gone the freedom. The pain ain't worth it, whispered the knot, and heart in unison. And the knot let go of itself.
'I' cast aside, there was much gratitude left for the all folks who make these awards possible. The organizers, Kyle Lovett from The Reformed Buddhist Blog, Nate de Montigny from Precious Metal Blog, and Anoki Casey from Buddha Badges and Dharma Dots. The judges, Rev. Danny Fisher, Barbara Hoetsu O'Brien from The Mahablog, Philip Ryan from Tricycle, and Tanya McGinnity from Full Contact Enlightenment Blog. And all the readers who took the time to nominate their favorite blogs, just because.