It was fun.
Kailua, walking on the crescent beach every morning.
Waikiki, watching the splendid sunset every evening.
And all the times in between . . .
Red papaya sweetness, ocean breeze softness,
Rainbows here and there,
Nothing to do, only enjoy.
It was fun, and also hard.
Despite all my good intentions,
I was not able to keep up my practice.
One, two, three . . . five days went by
without the safety from sitting still,
every morning, as I usually do,
back home.
Sure I minded my steps,
and I got in touch with my heart,
often, many emotions I felt.
Grief out of the blue,
followed by contentment
love also, then fear, and restlessness.
The heart did not know which way to go.
Worst of all,
was the diffuse sense
of being estranged from a big chunk
of myself.
Of not really living
life as I should.
Kailua, walking on the crescent beach every morning.
Waikiki, watching the splendid sunset every evening.
And all the times in between . . .
Red papaya sweetness, ocean breeze softness,
Rainbows here and there,
Nothing to do, only enjoy.
It was fun, and also hard.
Despite all my good intentions,
I was not able to keep up my practice.
One, two, three . . . five days went by
without the safety from sitting still,
every morning, as I usually do,
back home.
Sure I minded my steps,
and I got in touch with my heart,
often, many emotions I felt.
Grief out of the blue,
followed by contentment
love also, then fear, and restlessness.
The heart did not know which way to go.
Worst of all,
was the diffuse sense
of being estranged from a big chunk
of myself.
Of not really living
life as I should.
Posts
"The heart did not know which way to go." Sort-of A.D.D. of the emotions... My normal state of being I think. :)
ReplyDeleteAlso: "...sense of being estranged from a big chunk of myself. Of not really living life as I should."
Really, really relating to that right now.
Thank you.
I have a basic dislike of 'vacation' and the "sense of being estranged" resonates. Perhaps it is a feeling of loss of control, of being out of the comfortable, albeit sometimes challenging, realm to which we accustom ourselves. Maybe 'vacation' reveals more about our true nature than we want to know?
ReplyDeleteJDB, I think we are creature of habits, that function best in the familiar and with some sort of structure. Also, when the practice is still relatively new, as mine is, it does no take much for it to get derailed . . . This is why monasteries are so good. There, every day unfolds the same, and the mind does not have to make the extra effort to think and force itself to formally practice.
ReplyDeleteThe great thing though is how previous times practicing formally get carried over into informal practice everywhere I go, including during this time away. Being able to be present for the experience was a real saving grace!
Lifeonmyownterm, I wish you to be reconciled with yourself! and also to find the time to practice.
ReplyDeleteMay you be well.