There has been a big (good) change in my practice lately. Away from feeling at the mercy of the pain from clinging, to owning my part in the process. This is akin to a tectonic shift in self-awareness, a new way of seeing, and feeling that opens the way to true inner freedom.
Before, paired with the suffering, was much powerlessness, and resentment almost for being stuck with such unpleasantness. I realize lots of that had to to with some misinformed thinking. Maybe if I could unlock the cause of the clinging? It felt so old . . . Surely, something in my past needed to be dealt with. How much longer would I have to sit and feel the pain?
Now, I have stepped away from being a victim of the clinging, to fully owning my role. Realizing that clinging is an action that I can control. The letting go may be slower than I would like, but nevertheless, 'I' am the one doing the clinging, right now, in the present moment. The cause of clinging is almost irrelevant, although it does help to see one's rough spots.
Now, there is something I can do. Sitting is indeed a very active process. One of seeing, and taking necessary corrective action. Sitting, I notice tension, tightening in the throat, in the stomach, in the mind. And I use acquired wisdom to decide on what to do with the closing in. Sitting, I know to relax each tension point, using the breath as anchor, over and over again.
And I remember, the whole idea is of putting aside greed and distress with reference to the world. Putting aside, letting go, relaxing . . . all active words.
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A very powerful post, Marguerite. Honest, open- making yourself vulnerable. Yet strong and hopeful.
ReplyDeleteEach of us struggles, moment to moment. But reading your words, I feel not alone.
Thank you.
Tom
Thank you, Tom, for joining me in this very sacred space.
ReplyDeleteWith metta.
Thank you for sharing your elegant honesty and open heartedness!!
ReplyDeleteThank you! I wish you to practice well.
ReplyDeleteMost schools of buddhism eventually pare the dhama down to living in the present moment.This is good practice because if this can be achieved a good deal of suffering automatically falls away.Perhaps just a few people can really embrace this way of living and Im certainly not one of them but even to get a quarter of the way there is worth while.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your great honesty about your struggles and progress, and how sitting has helped you. You are a great inspiration!
ReplyDeleteMay you be well!
Thank you! I am struck by the word 'honesty' that keeps coming up in the comments. And I cannot help but wonder, how else to be? Honesty in regards to one's experience is what makes the sharing worthwhile to oneself, and to others. Without honesty, there is no real communication. Without honesty, one is left within his or her own tower of delusion.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right! Thank you for your wisdom :)
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