Watching Our Words

Some Mindful Alternatives to Common Alzheimer's Speak.

Reviewing the New York Times articles from this past year on Alzheimer's, I tried hard to find some positive words, and encountered instead a language imbued with fear and coldness, and that dehumanized the persons living with the condition: 

They are 'patients', 'sufferers', 'victims', or sometimes just plain 'cases'. 

They are 'afflicted', 'demented', or 'suffering'. 

They are being cared for by 'caregivers'. 

They 'suffer' from a 'dreaded', 'terrifying', 'terrible', 'fatal', 'horrific', 'devastating', 'bad', 'debilitating' 'disease', called 'dementia'. 

They are being 'robbed' of all that matters most. 

They live in 'assisted living facilities'. 

They are 'stages', beginning, middle and end, early or late onset. 

They present 'behavior problems' -- they 'act out', they scream, they wander, they are 'combative'. 

They need to be 'managed'. 

They are a 'burden'. 

They have an illness that needs to be 'attacked', and 'beaten'. 

Having been around enough persons who live with dementia, I could see why. It is true, that left on their own, and not cared for properly, the ones whose thinking mind is slipping can present a scary picture. 

More to the point though, is the fact that our collective response to the condition is what creates that picture. In our efforts to move forward and treat Alzheimer's as a medical emergency, we have abandoned the earlier view of dementia as a natural evolution of aging. While scientifically correct, this new approach has also caused us to lose the human aspect. The culture change philosophy of elder care that has been making waves throughout long-term dementia care communities in the U.S. and other countries represents a step in the right direction. Attention to the language being used to think and talk about Alzheimer's and dementia should be a part of that movement. As shown by the New York Times, we are still far away from that reality. One small drop at a time, here is a list* of new words to use if we want to be kind and mindful of the persons living with Alzheimer's:

Respecting the person. 

May you too be an agent of change, and spread the good words about Alzheimer's and the persons living with it. 

Driving Meditation

I have been doing a lot of driving back and forth to San Francisco lately. One hour each way, four days a week, have left me with plenty of opportunities for practice. I have tried before, but yesterday was a totally different experience, much more  complete. 

All senses engaged, I could feel the cold touch of hands against the steering wheel, and the persistent embrace of the seat around the thighs and upper body. Right leg was alive with subtle motions, pushing or lifting the foot. Meanwhile, left leg became sleepy. Shifting the attention to hearing, there were two loud sounds, of car breaking through the wind, and wheels hitting the asphalt, fast. Of course, seeing was engaged, although not all the time consciously. Other vehicles zipping by on each side, small cars ahead, all sorts of concrete structures, bridges, walls, buildings, and then the bay. And of course, the sky, kind of dull this time. Getting closer to the city, and slowing down with traffic, nose got into the scene, noticing at once the smell of banana peel, forgotten. And throughout the whole hour, thinking interrupting many times. Thinking about stories in need of more retelling, thinking about the day ahead . . . thinking redirected many times, back to awareness.

Driving meditation, a potentially rich practice for those of us with long commutes.

Warm Determination

This morning I tweeted:

'woke up feeling warm determination - these two words, borrowed from Ruth Denison, are amongst my favorites . . .'

Warm determination has become very handy to deal with a difficult situation at home. It has enabled me to stay calm, and to summon the strength needed to carry on and take some necessary actions. 

This note from the Dalai Lama, just found on my Facebook homepage,  came at the right time:

At a fundamental level, as human beings, we are all the same; each one of us aspires to happiness and each one of us does not wish to suffer. This is why, whenever I have the opportunity, I try to draw people's attention to what as members of the human family we have in common and the deeply interconnected nature of our existence and welfare.

Today, there is increasing recognition, as well as a growing body of scientific evidence, that confirms the close connection between our own states of mind and our happiness. On the one hand, many of us live in societies that are very developed materially, yet among us are many people who are not very happy. Just underneath the beautiful surface of affluence there is a kind of mental unrest, leading to frustration, unnecessary quarrels, reliance on drugs or alcohol, and in the worst case, suicide. There is no guarantee that wealth alone can give you the joy or fulfilment that you seek. The same can be said of your friends too. When you are in an intense state of anger or hatred, even a very close friend appears to you as somehow frosty, or cold, distant, and annoying.

However, as human beings we are gifted with this wonderful human intelligence. Besides that, all human beings have the capacity to be very determined and to direct that strong sense of determination in whatever direction they like. So long as we remember that we have this marvellous gift of human intelligence and a capacity to develop determination and use it in positive ways, we will preserve our underlying mental health. Realizing we have this great human potential gives us a fundamental strength. This recognition can act as a mechanism that enables us to deal with any difficulty, no matter what situation we are facing, without losing hope or sinking into feelings of low self-esteem.

I write this as someone who lost his freedom at the age of 16, then lost his country at the age of 24. Consequently, I have lived in exile for more than 50 years during which we Tibetans have dedicated ourselves to keeping the Tibetan identity alive and preserving our culture and values. On most days the news from Tibet is heartbreaking, and yet none of these challenges gives grounds for giving up. One of the approaches that I personally find useful is to cultivate the thought: If the situation or problem is such that it can be remedied, then there is no need to worry about it. In other words, if there is a solution or a way out of the difficulty, you do not need to be overwhelmed by it. The appropriate action is to seek its solution. Then it is clearly more sensible to spend your energy focussing on the solution rather than worrying about the problem. Alternatively, if there is no solution, no possibility of resolution, then there is also no point in being worried about it, because you cannot do anything about it anyway. In that case, the sooner you accept this fact, the easier it will be for you. This formula, of course, implies directly confronting the problem and taking a realistic view. Otherwise you will be unable to find out whether or not there is a resolution to the problem.

Taking a realistic view and cultivating a proper motivation can also shield you against feelings of fear and anxiety. If you develop a pure and sincere motivation, if you are motivated by a wish to help on the basis of kindness, compassion, and respect, then you can carry on any kind of work, in any field, and function more effectively with less fear or worry, not being afraid of what others think or whether you ultimately will be successful in reaching your goal. Even if you fail to achieve your goal, you can feel good about having made the effort. But with a bad motivation, people can praise you or you can achieve goals, but you still will not be happy.

Again, we may sometimes feel that our whole lives are unsatisfactory, we feel on the point of being overwhelmed by the difficulties that confront us. This happens to us all in varying degrees from time to time. When this occurs, it is vital that we make every effort to find a way of lifting our spirits. We can do this by recollecting our good fortune. We may, for example, be loved by someone; we may have certain talents; we may have received a good education; we may have our basic needs provided for - food to eat, clothes to wear, somewhere to live - we may have performed certain altruistic deeds in the past. We must take into consideration even the slightest positive aspect of our lives. For if we fail to find some way of uplifting ourselves, there is every danger of sinking further into our sense of powerlessness. This can lead us to believe that we have no capacity for doing good whatsoever. Thus we create the conditions of despair itself.

As a Buddhist monk I have learned that what principally upsets our inner peace is what we call disturbing emotions. All those thoughts, emotions, and mental events which reflect a negative or uncompassionate state of mind inevitably undermine our experience of inner peace. All our negative thoughts and emotions - such as hatred, anger, pride, lust, greed, envy, and so on - are considered to be sources of difficulty, to be disturbing. Negative thoughts and emotions are what obstruct our most basic aspiration - to be happy and to avoid suffering. When we act under their influence, we become oblivious to the impact our actions have on others: they are thus the cause of our destructive behaviour both toward others and to ourselves. Murder, scandal, and deceit all have their origin in disturbing emotions.

This inevitably gives rise to the question - can we train the mind? There are many methods by which to do this. Among these, in the Buddhist tradition, is a special instruction called mind training, which focuses on cultivating concern for others and turning adversity to advantage. It is this pattern of thought, transforming problems into happiness that has enabled the Tibetan people to maintain their dignity and spirit in the face of great difficulties. Indeed I have found this advice of great practical benefit in my own life.

A great Tibetan teacher of mind training once remarked that one of the mind’s most marvelous qualities is that it can be transformed. I have no doubt that those who attempt to transform their minds, overcome their disturbing emotions and achieve a sense of inner peace, will, over a period of time, notice a change in their mental attitudes and responses to people and events. Their minds will become more disciplined and positive. And I am sure they will find their own sense of happiness grow as they contribute to the greater happiness of others. I offer my prayers that everyone who makes this their goal will be blessed with success.

I could not start the day on a better note. May your day be filled with warm determination also :)

When I Was Four Years Old

Too funny to not share, this scene from this morning in the hot tub at the Y:

Sweet old lady soaking next to me: "When I was four years old I was sent away to overnight camp, and I had to share a cabin with three other girls I did not know, and they all knew how to swim; that did it, I learned to swim really quickly!"

Me: "I bet you are glad you did now"

Old lady: "Yes, I really enjoy swimming . . . I am 80 years old, you know! How about you, are you in school?"

Me: "Oh, no, I am too old to be in school . . . "

Old lady: "Do you work, then?"

Me: "Yes, actually I do a lot of work with elders, I help train care partners of persons with Alzheimer's"

Old lady: "Now don't you give me that Alzheimer's!"

Me: "I can't give it, but I sure wish I could take it back from folks who have it . . . "

Old lady: "When I was four years old I was sent away to overnight camp,  and I had to share a cabin with three other girls I didn't know, and they all knew how to swim . . . I learned to swim really quickly"

Me: glancing at other woman, smiling on my left. She signals to the old lady to get out of the hot tub. I realize she is the old lady's care partner . . . :)

Old lady: "Ok, got to go. I hope you didn't mind my rottenness."

Me: "Are you kidding, I enjoyed speaking with you very much."

Old lady: Happy, waves at me as she climbs up the stairs of the hot tub.

A sweet moment that made my morning :)

Getting Ready Before It's Too Late

Sitting just now, I experienced much unpleasantness in body and mind. I also felt great joy, from having the practice to carry me through. Knowing that the trick lied not in hoping for a better experience, but in being with everything, including what did not feel so good.

I thought about conversation I had once with Bryan, one of the residents at Zen Hospice, shortly before he died. Bryan knew he did not have much longer, and fear had taken ahold of him. In the middle of the night, he had gotten up to play music on his keyboard, and for the first time his fingers had refused to cooperate. Bryan, a professional musician had reached a place of no return. "I wonder what happens after death. They say Jesus came back from the dead. Did he really? That whole story about the stone being rolled back, and him stepping out and meeting the women, I don't know . . . What do you think? You are a Buddhist." I sensed the urgency in his voice. "Well, I don't know either. What I notice is right now, you are being in your thoughts, and in the future, and there is a lot of fear there, and I wonder if you could suspend the thoughts for just a moment, and just be with the present experience? Feeling your body, and your breath, and the thoughts coming and going, and the whole atmosphere." Bryan got angry. "What do you mean, being in the moment . . . It's taking me forever to put on just one shoe. There is nothing good about this." He was right, there was not much pleasant about the moment. I realized right then the importance of getting ready for the final goodbye. 

Practicing, every day. Being with the ebbs of flows of life. Even minded . . .

With a Smile

It's become a sweet habit. Emailing, tweeting, facebooking, blogging, I visualize the one(s) reading me, and I let the heart open, and I break into a smile. To let them know, I punctuate my messages with a a few big 

:)

Research shows smiling is a good thing to spread around. It contributes to happier marriages, longer life, and better health. Why not smile online also? :)

Four Resolutions

January 1st, tis the time to make resolutions. 

Mine definitely have an inner flavor:

to remember to be mindful, as often as possible

to practice formal sitting meditation, daily

to be lovingly kind, towards myself, and others, especially the difficult ones

to recognize the hindrances that come my way, and tell them off, in both mind and heart

Whatever happens in the outer life is secondary, and usually largely influenced by the mind's inclination anyway . . . 

What does your new year resolutions look like? Would you care to share?

May you each be well, and happy, and at peace, and at ease, including in the midst of suffering.