When I Was Four Years Old

Too funny to not share, this scene from this morning in the hot tub at the Y:

Sweet old lady soaking next to me: "When I was four years old I was sent away to overnight camp, and I had to share a cabin with three other girls I did not know, and they all knew how to swim; that did it, I learned to swim really quickly!"

Me: "I bet you are glad you did now"

Old lady: "Yes, I really enjoy swimming . . . I am 80 years old, you know! How about you, are you in school?"

Me: "Oh, no, I am too old to be in school . . . "

Old lady: "Do you work, then?"

Me: "Yes, actually I do a lot of work with elders, I help train care partners of persons with Alzheimer's"

Old lady: "Now don't you give me that Alzheimer's!"

Me: "I can't give it, but I sure wish I could take it back from folks who have it . . . "

Old lady: "When I was four years old I was sent away to overnight camp,  and I had to share a cabin with three other girls I didn't know, and they all knew how to swim . . . I learned to swim really quickly"

Me: glancing at other woman, smiling on my left. She signals to the old lady to get out of the hot tub. I realize she is the old lady's care partner . . . :)

Old lady: "Ok, got to go. I hope you didn't mind my rottenness."

Me: "Are you kidding, I enjoyed speaking with you very much."

Old lady: Happy, waves at me as she climbs up the stairs of the hot tub.

A sweet moment that made my morning :)

Getting Ready Before It's Too Late

Sitting just now, I experienced much unpleasantness in body and mind. I also felt great joy, from having the practice to carry me through. Knowing that the trick lied not in hoping for a better experience, but in being with everything, including what did not feel so good.

I thought about conversation I had once with Bryan, one of the residents at Zen Hospice, shortly before he died. Bryan knew he did not have much longer, and fear had taken ahold of him. In the middle of the night, he had gotten up to play music on his keyboard, and for the first time his fingers had refused to cooperate. Bryan, a professional musician had reached a place of no return. "I wonder what happens after death. They say Jesus came back from the dead. Did he really? That whole story about the stone being rolled back, and him stepping out and meeting the women, I don't know . . . What do you think? You are a Buddhist." I sensed the urgency in his voice. "Well, I don't know either. What I notice is right now, you are being in your thoughts, and in the future, and there is a lot of fear there, and I wonder if you could suspend the thoughts for just a moment, and just be with the present experience? Feeling your body, and your breath, and the thoughts coming and going, and the whole atmosphere." Bryan got angry. "What do you mean, being in the moment . . . It's taking me forever to put on just one shoe. There is nothing good about this." He was right, there was not much pleasant about the moment. I realized right then the importance of getting ready for the final goodbye. 

Practicing, every day. Being with the ebbs of flows of life. Even minded . . .

With a Smile

It's become a sweet habit. Emailing, tweeting, facebooking, blogging, I visualize the one(s) reading me, and I let the heart open, and I break into a smile. To let them know, I punctuate my messages with a a few big 

:)

Research shows smiling is a good thing to spread around. It contributes to happier marriages, longer life, and better health. Why not smile online also? :)

Four Resolutions

January 1st, tis the time to make resolutions. 

Mine definitely have an inner flavor:

to remember to be mindful, as often as possible

to practice formal sitting meditation, daily

to be lovingly kind, towards myself, and others, especially the difficult ones

to recognize the hindrances that come my way, and tell them off, in both mind and heart

Whatever happens in the outer life is secondary, and usually largely influenced by the mind's inclination anyway . . . 

What does your new year resolutions look like? Would you care to share?

May you each be well, and happy, and at peace, and at ease, including in the midst of suffering.

In This Moment

I just finished reading Ayya Khema's book, 'Be an Insland'. It took me a long while, as I took it in only a few pages at a time, usually before going to sleep. As with other great teachings, Ayya Khema's wisdom needs to be contemplated, slowly, in bit size.

I was struck by the fact that she ended on this note:

Being mindfully aware in and out of meditation is the practice that brings results. It means doing one thing at a time, attentive to mind and body. When listening to Dhamma, just listen. When sitting in meditation, just attend to the meditation subject. When planting a tree, just plant. No frills, no judgments. This habituates the mind to be in each moment. Only in such a way can a path moment occur, here and now. There is no reason why an intelligent, healthy, committed person should not be able to attain it with patience and perseverance.

So simple. 

Today, I shall strive to remind myself to focus on the task at hand, moment to moment. Driving to Zen Hospice, I shall only drive. Feeding a resident there, I shall only feed him. Taking a walk later, I shall only walk. Meeting my friend for coffee, I shall only talk, or listen to him . . . 

So simple. So difficult to sustain.

Hence practice :)

Dropping the Story?

From my recent retreat with Ruth Denison at Dhamma Dena Monastery, I brought back not just many pearls of wisdom from Ruth, but also one memorable talk from Venerable Madika, one of the resident nuns there. The talk was about learning how to deal with difficult emotions, by dropping our story. 

Difficult emotions, I got recently, from one situation with someone in a position of power. Fear, anger, sadness, disappointment, outrage, a full bag of difficult emotions opened, for me to investigate. After I had a conversation with that person, and I realized I was going nowhere in terms of trying to change the outer circumstances, wise mind came to the rescue. I remembered Venerable Madika's talk. "Drop your story. Remember, no one can make you angry." As I started looking into the story I had been constructing about that person, that particular situation, I realized there were parts of the story I was not so sure about actually. Was I justified in my claims? What if I was the one who was out of line? Back and forth, I went. In the end, the jury leaned in my favor . . . The story has been playing over and over inside my head, til now.

While dropping one's story seems like the right thing to do in principle, the reality shows it is not so easy. Expectations, 'I' driven thoughts, old wounds in need of some more licking, personal baggage not yet let go of, all conspire to give the story free rein. Meanwhile, one is left with the bag of emotions to hold, and the strategic question of what to do with all that energy, all those thoughts and feelings?

Most useful has been to engage in metta practice, for the other person, and for myself. Seeing him as someone with his own wounds and limitations, and remembering all the good that has come out of our relationship also. I have got blinders, and so does he. That his happen to affect me in a major way is just a product of circumstances. It has nothing to do with me really. Silently, I repeat, "May he be well, may he be at ease, may he be at peace, may he be happy", and I imagine love pouring out of my heart in his direction. And I do the same for myself. Loving kindness, such powerful stuff . . .

Second, has been the realization of the damage done to my own mind, from hanging on to negative thoughts and emotions. Guarding the mind, like one's most precious jewel, I can see the real reason for dropping the story, regardless. In the end, it is all about keeping one's house clean, and free of filth. Forgetting about the object of one's misery, and refusing to indulge the misery itself. Polishing the mind over and over again, with warm determination.

Third, is appreciating the teaching opportunity from such experience. Like a bright mirror, situation has forced me to explore my own imperfections, the places of stuckness that keep coming up along my path. In the midst of all the unpleasantness, I walk, with gentle curiosity, taking a close look at my sores. Investigating the real source of my suffering, with the full knowledge that in the end, the problem lies within myself. Of course . . .

Fourth, is turning the anger on its head, and transforming it into the positive force I very much need to deal with the particular situation. Taking matters in my own hands. This requires the conscious decision of no longer reacting when provoked. Instead, registering the emotions, feeling the immensity of the energy being released, and enlisting it towards creative ends. I have a plan, and it's working.

Venerable Madika is right, the story needs to be dropped, but not so fast. There is much to be learned from the suffering, still.

Now, tell me, any story you need to drop?

In Her Skin

Overheard, this conversation between one of the residents and her son, at assisted living community I visited recently:

Son: "Mom, so are you going to shower today?"
Resident: "No, I don't want to."
Son: "Why not? Are you embarrassed?"
Resident: "No, I am not embarrassed."
Son: "I meant are you embarrassed that somebody is with you while you shower?"
Resident: "Yes, I am, wouldn't you?"
Son: "Well, I understand, but they have rules here"
Resident stares at her son
Son: "Would it help if someone was in the room with you but they put a towel in front of you?"
Resident: "Yes, it would."

Not just relating to the person as a fall risk. Approaching her instead as a whole person whose intimacy is at risk of being violated.

Being in her skin, not just her shoes.