This Is How It Is

Discovered, this quote from Suzuki Roshi, up on the fireplace mantel in the dining room at the Zen Hospice Guest House:

Suzuki Roshi's Quote - Zen Hospice Guesthouse

I am with you, Roshi . . .

The Price of Exclusion

I have been meaning to write about this experience for a while now . . .

When I was working at C-2, the old hospice ward at Laguna Honda Hospital, there was this woman, Gloria, who demanded a lot of attention from the volunteers. "Volunteer! Volunteer! Volunteer!" She summoned us constantly. At first, I didn't mind. I sat by her bed, listened to her stories, helped her with her meals, fetched her coffee . . . Whatever Gloria wanted, whenever, I would do for her.  This went on for a few weeks, until one day, my patience ran out, and I no longer felt like responding to Gloria's imperious calls. I started trying to avoid her. This was hard, since her bed was one of the first ones in the ward, and I had to pass her to get to the other residents.  I figured if I looked straight ahead, and moved fast with an air of purpose, I would be saved. That worked to some extent. Of course, walking back, I had to deal with the Gloria problem again. I found myself hoping that she had fallen asleep, or was engaged with another volunteer, or a nurse. She catched me some times, still. "Volunteer!" and I usually came up with some excuse. "I am busy with another resident. Let me get someone else to help."

An interesting thing happened meanwhile. The more I shut off Gloria from my world, the more space she took up in my mind. I started thinking about her often, and with great aversion. While on the ward, I could feel the constriction in my body, as I overheard her voice. "Volunteer!" . . . My heart was sealed shut, and I did not like the feeling. Of course, I could have taken action, and opened up to her again, but I didn't. The aversion had made too much of a dent, and had left a permanent mark. My heart was not so elastic, that it could bounce back to its original neutrality.

As I look inside, I find many such blemishes, some more recent than others. And I am learning a big lesson. That closing the heart is no longer an option, for the price of exclusion is simply too high. The solution lies in catching the first inklings of  'I don't like him, or her',  before they get a chance of  settling into the heart.

Keeping one's heart open, always . . . 

"I Shouldn't Think"

"You mean, I shouldn't think" is one common misconception about sitting meditation.

Actually, it is and it isn't.

When sitting perfectly still, and there is nothing else to be experienced but the breath and raw physical sensations, thoughts from the self-making mind are indeed irrelevant. That they do happen in the not yet purified mind is part of the process. Hence the answer to the novice's comment, no, and yes. 

Wanting empty mind right away precludes one from the chance of ever experiencing empty mind. 

Tonight, sitting by the fire, there was only the experience of subtle breath, and heat seeping through the body.  Moments of purity, and vanished hindrances. A temporary bliss, not to be clung to . . . 

The Pain of Too Much Love

It pains me greatly when I hear family members insist on their loved one being treated a certain way that may not be in that person's best interest. I have seen this happen a lot either at hospice or in long term elder care communities. 

Once, I watched a granddaughter shake her dying grandmother out of her quiet repose, pinching her cheeks, and yelling in her ears to please respond. Soon, the mother arrived and did the same. Hours ago, I had been sitting with the old woman, breathing with her and holding her hand, as she lied in her bed very peacefully. Mother and granddaughter eventually decided to pull their loved one out of hospice so that she could continue to receive more aggressive cancer treatment in the hospital. The woman died a few weeks later. 

Another time, a daughter dictated a grueling care regiment for her frail mother that left the ninety year old woman too exhausted and depressed to eat or participate in her favorite activities. I wondered why wouldn't the daughter want to listen to the staff's recommendations? Why impose daily showers? Why demand more medications, with the unfortunate consequence of adverse side effects? Why obsess over the frequency of her mother's bowel movements? Why insist on a rigid nap schedule? Why? 

In each case, well intentioned family members whose idea of love got in the way of their loved one's peace and well being . . . In each case, a person too powerless to voice her own needs, who got subjected to unnecessary suffering in the name of love. 

It would be too easy to blame the families. Better instead, try to educate them on the real needs of their loved one. And at a minimum, hold them in one's heart, with compassion and loving kindness for their own suffering. 

Beyond the Inner Prison

Something had to be done. I could no longer bear the anxiety inside. I did what I usually do in such situation: a collage. 

The images jumped at me, quick. A men's prison, an anxious looking woman, her black purse thrown over her shoulder, some blue sky, and a bird. Cut away, the glass windows in the ceiling of the prison. Sky now visible, and one bird. Woman looking up towards the sky. Above and behind her, a tough looking man looking down in her direction.

A perfect image for how I felt, trapped inside some high security prison with no chance of escaping. I taped it on the wall above my desk, next to the big Buddha. 

Inner Prison

Looking at the picture, I started to 'see' another much larger reality. That of blue sky, unlimited, with the bird flying, free.  I felt a shift inside. Becoming like the sky, with breath flowing in and out, no longer hindered. Fear melting, and replaced by a deep calmness that could not be touched by outer ripples. No longer wishing for, or away. Just being breathed.

What is your inner prison? How can you become free?

Online Versus Live Sangha?

Yesterday was the weekly Monday night sitting and Dharma talk at IMC. It had been a long time since I attended. And I was struck by the importance of sitting and talking with spiritual friends, in a physical sense. Sensing the proximity, hearing the sounds of togetherness, and the footsteps of Gil walking to his seat after we were all settled in. Later, listening to his talk about Buddha meeting Buddha, and then the ensuing questions, and reactions from the community, my community. Seeing the faces, many of them familiar. Engaging in conversations afterwards, about past and future retreats, and progress and challenges along our respective paths. A whole experience I had been missing . . . 

I thought I was happy with just doing daily sittings at home, and engaging in online conversations with my spiritual friends here, and on Twitter and Facebook.  I thought I was getting my feel of live sangha with the two work communities I am a part of. Communities where we do a short sit before we set out for the day, and we strive to do good. I thought I was set . . . Sitting the other night amongst the IMC sangha, made me realize there is no substitute for an open Dharma practice community such as IMC, whose sole purpose is to cultivate spiritual friendships amongst fellow travelers. 

I have heard that on one occasion the Blessed One was living among the Sakyans. Now there is a Sakyan town named Sakkara. There Ven. Ananda went to the Blessed One and, on arrival, having bowed down to the Blessed One, sat to one side. As he was sitting there, Ven. Ananda said to the Blessed One, "This is half of the holy life, lord: admirable friendship, admirable companionship, admirable camaraderie."[1]

"Don't say that, Ananda. Don't say that. Admirable friendship, admirable companionship, admirable camaraderie is actually the whole of the holy life. When a monk has admirable people as friends, companions, & comrades, he can be expected to develop & pursue the noble eightfold path.

"And how does a monk who has admirable people as friends, companions, & comrades, develop & pursue the noble eightfold path? There is the case where a monk develops right view dependent on seclusion, dependent on dispassion, dependent on cessation, resulting in relinquishment. He develops right resolve ... right speech ... right action ... right livelihood ... right effort ... right mindfulness ... right concentration dependent on seclusion, dependent on dispassion, dependent on cessation, resulting in relinquishment. This is how a monk who has admirable people as friends, companions, & colleagues, develops & pursues the noble eightfold path.

"And through this line of reasoning one may know how admirable friendship, admirable companionship, admirable camaraderie is actually the whole of the holy life: It is in dependence on me as an admirable friend that beings subject to birth have gained release from birth, that beings subject to aging have gained release from aging, that beings subject to death have gained release from death, that beings subject to sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress, & despair have gained release from sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress, & despair. It is through this line of reasoning that one may know how admirable friendship, admirable companionship, admirable camaraderie is actually the whole of the holy life."

~ Upaddha Sutta; SN 45.2 ~ 

Because the body and our relationship to it play such an essential role in our unfolding along the path, it only makes sense to also pay attention to the embodied aspect of our spiritual friendships. If the Buddha was to live in our times, I am pretty sure he would be on Facebook, and Twitter, and blogs, AND I have also no doubt that he would insist on maintaining a live practice community. 

What is your experience of online versus live sangha? I would love to hear.

Relaxed or Unbroken Awareness, Which is Best?

I need to thank Katherine Rand for bringing this awesome pearl from J. Krishnamurti under the light:

You cannot keep a mechanism working at full speed all the time; it would break up; it must slow down, have rest. Similarly, we cannot maintain total awareness all the time. How can we? To be aware from moment to moment is enough. If one is totally aware for a minute or two and then relaxes, and in that relaxation spontaneously observes the operations of one’s own mind, one will discover much more in that spontaneity than in the effort to watch continuously. You can observe yourself effortlessly, easily, when you are walking, talking, reading - at every moment. Only then will you find out that the mind is capable of freeing itself from all the things it has known and experienced, and it is in freedom alone that it can discover what is true ~ J. Krishnamurti, Fourth Public Talk, Brussels, June 23rd, 1956 ~

To be contrasted with U. Pandita's diktat of unbroken continuity:

Persevering continuity of mindfulness is the third essential factor in developing the controlling faculties. One should try to be with the moment as much as possible, moment after moment, without any breaks in between. In this way mindfulness can be established, and its momentum can increase . . . Apart from the hours of sleeping, yogis on retreat should be continuously mindful. Continuity should be so strong, in fact, that there is no time at all for reflection, no hesitation, no thinking, no reasoning, no comparing of one's experiences with the things one has read about meditation — just time enough to apply this bare awareness.

Often, I have considered taking up U. Pandita's challenge. Come June every year, the Burmese master travels to the Tathagata Center, only a few miles from where I live, to give a one-month retreat. I fantasize about a month of 'unbroken continuity' under his guidance. And end up not registering . . . Part of me used to feel that I was not up to the task for U Pandita's mindfulness bootcamp. 

Now, I realize how much ego was tied up in my fantasy. Less spectacular, and more real is Krishnamurti's idea of relaxed awareness infused with wise reflection. That, I can do, . . . and already do.