Tending the Garden in My Heart

I continue to feel moved to focus on the heart. Throughout each day, paying attention to the stirrings within, and noticing the constant changes. Most precious has been Ayya Khema's image of the inner garden with flowers and weeds. The flowers are the beautiful emotions in the love family - love, compassion, rejoicing, and equanimity. The weeds are the hindrances that keep arising and need constant attention - greed, ill will, anger, fear, worries . . . 

There is no shortage of reasons to visit the garden in my heart. Each time, feeling the love or its possibility, and right next to it, a small weed or a tall one. Some weeds are more easy to see than others. When I feel envy, it is not hard noticing the immediate unpleasantness. Wise mind knows better than to linger in such thoughts. Instead, better step back at once and name the weed. Envy, envy, I am going to cut you down right there, right now, so that I can see and feel the beautiful pink flower. Opening the heart is a habit that can be cultivated, like anything else. 

Other weeds are harder to see, as they have a way of blending with the blooms. Feeling love, it would be easy to overlook the tinge of attachment and fear that comes along. Yet, there is no mistaking the slight constriction in the throat, the tension in the chest. What I call love needs to be stripped from such weeds. 

This is an all consuming practice that leaves little interest for writing about the practice . . . 

How are you taking care of your heart?

A Love Practice

With mindfulness practice, one becomes more and more convinced of the impracticality of not harboring love in one's heart. Conditional love, ill will, anger, hate all contribute to unhappiness. And all are self-created. Upon close examination, it simply does not make sense to let those fester inside. Life is too short. Not a single moment to be wasted. That is the good news. 

Of course, abandoning old ways is not so easy. A lifelong of bad mind habits cannot be undone that quickly. The mind hangs on to self-righteous thoughts. It keeps coming back with the same old, same resentments, same separating views. It does not take much for the heart to follow, with a tightening, a closing of the half-open door. Chaos usually ensues, and more misery. That is the challenge.

This week, I had a chance to see resentment build to a point of seemingly no return. For a few days, mind and heart did their dance, hesitating between further justification or the possibility of release. It took stepping back, and resting on the foundation of practice to decide on the latter. It came down to a willingness to love above all. I found the heart deep down yearning for this clearing. 

I am most thankful for the unwitting teacher in my life, the mirror I sometimes push away because of its unflattering reflections. Ayya Khema is my other helper on the path of love. In those moments, when I am not so sure, her words are always there, ready for my picking:

The love has to come from our heart. So if there is no love for ourselves, no understanding for our own difficulties, how can we love another? We always think we do, but it is the kind of love that demands something. It wants something back. Maybe it doesn't even want love back, but it wants something back. It wants the right kind of attitude from the other person, the right kind of behavior, the right kind of being together -- there's some demand being made. As long as we're demanding something -- be it ever so subtle -- so long our love cannot be pure. Love can only be pure if it's given without any payment. 

And this:

Our work on the purification of our heart lies in our daily encounters with anyone, particularly human beings. It's not so difficult to love a little bird that has by mistake strayed into our room and we're trying to get him out again, poor little bird, nice little bird. But somebody who has strayed in our room and wants to sit there and talk while we're sleepy, well, there needs to be a little more determination to love that one. It's human beings that we need to work with. All of us have that opportunity constantly, and there's no excuse not to do it, because this is actually what our life is all about. It's an adult education class.

And that:

The heart just has to love; it doesn't have to discriminate. And when we can see the difference between the usual judgments and just loving -- not discriminating -- we have taken a very important step.

Clearing the Mind

Wherever I go, wherever I am, here it is, the hindrance of anxiety. The discomfort has been enough to make me want to figure out what to do with it. I have remembered Mingyur Rinpoche's teaching about turning the panic into the object of one's meditation. In between breaths, seeing the beast, and letting myself feel its whole effect on body, heart, and mind. Becoming further convinced of its invasive nature. I know I am holding the tiger by its tail, and I take heart. Sitting some more, I find two other hindrances trailing not far behind. Anger seems to be the source of the restlessness, and underneath the anger, desire for some guarantee of pleasantness. Hindrances often come in a pack . . .

Hindrances are part of the ordinary human experience. Our freedom lies in our ability to recognize them for what they really are, as opposed to falling prey to their deceiving ways. The mindfulness tradition provides us with a method for removing the hindrances:

1) Have a sense that the hindrance is an unbeneficial state of mind, e.g, I need not worry if there is nothing I can objectively do about the object of the worry. 

2) Separate the object of the hindrance from the hindrance itself, e.g, the problem is not the object of my worry, but the worrying itself. 

3) Let go of the negative thoughts that accompany the hindrance.  

To remove hindering thoughts, we are to follow the following sequence - from The Removal of Distracting Thoughts: 

1) Change the object of our thoughts to one that is skillful. Loving kindness is one such practice. We orient the mind and heart towards love. 

2) If still hindering thoughts, contemplate the drawbacks of those thoughts, particularly their effect in terms of stress on our body and mind. 

3) If still hindering thoughts, shift to ignoring the thoughts.

4) If still hindering thoughts, relax the fabrication of those thoughts. 

5) If still hindering thoughts, say a firm no to the thoughts. 

When feeling anger toward a person, we learn to subdue our anger, by practicing one of those five ways - from Subduing Hatred: 

1) Develop good will for the other person

2) Develop compassion for the other person

3) Develop equanimity toward the other person

4) Pay no attention to the person

5) Contemplate fact that the person is the in-heritant of his own karma

Other instructions aim at the same thing, namely to focus on the good qualities of the other person, and to realize our lack of control over another person's actions. 

In the end, letting go of the hindrances is the result of clearly seeing their detrimental impact on our own mental health, and of using skillful strategies to remove the disturbing thoughts at the root of the hindrances. 

Things I Remember During Mindfulness Practice

What helps me most when sitting every morning? Remembering some basic teachings from the Frames of Reference.

Here they are, translated in plain English:

[He] remains focused on the body in and of itself — ardent, alert, and mindful —

First starting with mindfulness of the body. First noticing the sensations in the feet, then moving up to the thighs resting on the chair, then becoming aware of the whole body sitting still.

putting aside greed and distress with reference to the world.

Setting aside ordinary preoccupations. Telling myself, now is not the time to plan or worry. Now is the time to practice mindfulness.

[He] sits holding his body erect and setting mindfulness to the forefront. Always mindful, he breathes in; mindful he breathes out.

Sitting up straight, turning the attention to the breath.

He trains himself, 'I will breathe in sensitive to the entire body.' He trains himself, 'I will breathe out sensitive to the entire body.'

With each breath in and out, sensing the whole body.

He trains himself, 'I will breathe in calming bodily fabrication.' He trains himself, 'I will breathe out calming bodily fabrication.'

In the process, noticing any tightness in the body, and relaxing the tension

When feeling a painful feeling, [he] discerns, 'I am feeling a painful feeling.' When feeling a pleasant feeling, he discerns, 'I am feeling a pleasant feeling.' When feeling a neither-painful-nor-pleasant feeling, he discerns, 'I am feeling a neither-painful-nor-pleasant feeling.'

Noticing the quality of the experience, whether pleasant, unpleasant, or neither.

[He] remains focused on the phenomenon of origination with regard to feelings, on the phenomenon of passing away with regard to feelings, or on the phenomenon of origination and passing away with regard to feelings.

Getting to see the constantly changing nature of the quality of the experience - pleasant one moment, then becoming unpleasant, etc . . . 

"When the mind has passion, he discerns that the mind has passion. When the mind is without passion, he discerns that the mind is without passion. When the mind has aversion, he discerns that the mind has aversion. When the mind is without aversion, he discerns that the mind is without aversion. 

Noticing either clinging or aversion. Do I like this, or do I dislike this?

"When the mind is constricted, he discerns that the mind is constricted. When the mind is scattered, he discerns that the mind is scattered [...] When the mind is concentrated, he discerns that the mind is concentrated. [...] When the mind is released, he discerns that the mind is released [...]

Noticing the quality of the mind itself. Tightness around thoughts? Scattered? Concentrated? Calm? whichever the quality, noticing.

[He] remains focused on the phenomenon of origination with regard to the mind, on the phenomenon of passing away with regard to the mind, or on the phenomenon of origination and passing away with regard to the mind.

Focusing on the nature of thought making process, not the thought themselves. Thoughts coming and going . . .

[He] remains focused on the five hindrances. [When] sensual desire is present within, [he] discerns that 'There is sensual desire present within me.' Or, there being no sensual desire present within, he discerns that 'There is no sensual desire present within me.' He discerns how there is the arising of unarisen sensual desire. And he discerns how there is the abandoning of sensual desire once it has arisen. And he discerns how there is no future arising of sensual desire that has been abandoned. (The same formula is repeated for the remaining hindrances: ill will, drowsiness, anxiety, and doubt.)

Recognizing each of the five hindrances: craving of pleasure, anger or hate, dullness, restlessness and anxiety, doubt about practice. Catching each one at whichever stage it may be in: just nascent or full blown. Hindrances can be strong but focusing on the nature of the hindrance itself, not its object, can help one let go of it. 

There is the case where he discerns, as it has come to be, that 'This is stress.' He discerns, as it has come to be, that 'This is the origination of stress.' He discerns, as it has come to be, that 'This is the cessation of stress.' He discerns, as it has come to be, that 'This is the way leading to the cessation of stress.' 

Seeing for oneself the connection between clinging and stress in both body and mind.

This is where I am at with my practice. This is what I understand. 

How about you? Which wisdom do you bring in each time you sit? 

The Vigilant Mind Keeper

Mindfulness practice is pretty simple: to watch the mind with as little interruptions as possible, and to filter the unwholesome thoughts that can have such disastrous consequences. As one becomes more refined in the practice, the definition of unwholesome thoughts expands to eventually include all thoughts. 

I heard before about the various similes that describe the mindful attitude, and one in particular has been resonating with the way I feel currently about practice. The image of the gatekeeper or the watchman speaks volume about the need to not let up one's attention. Trouble inevitably arises when one stops watching the thoughts arising. From there to moods, and then wrong action, it does not take much. 

It gives me peace knowing that is all that's required. To remember to watch the mind. That is our utmost responsibility, for ourselves, and also for those around us. The rest will unfold on its own accord.

The Pain of Conditional Love

There is a reason Leigh Brasington teaches loving kindness as a preparation practice for the jhanas. Unless the heart is fully opened, and unhindered, the mind cannot fully settle. And a disturbed mind bars one from the possibility of inner peace and freedom. 

Loving kindness is a benchmarking practice for the heart. It shows us how many obstacles the mind sets to love flowing out freely. It also bumps against automatic responses from a body most often used to closing up.

Sitting, practicing loving kindness, I  get to see all the idiotic reasons perpetuated by the mind, for why I should not love such and such person. 

"I hardly know him. Love is for close loved ones, ins't it?" Mind operates under the delusion that love is a limited resource, to be allocated parsimoniously only under certain conditions.

"He has hurt me.  I cannot trust him. I don't feel like loving him." Mind makes gigantic leaps, from needing to be cautious, to slamming the heart door . . . Not realizing that each slam is a source of stress for the whole system. I am not hurting him who has no idea of the movie playing in my heart. I am hurting myself.

"She does not seem to care. Why should I love her?" Mind keeps on dispensing evaluations. Lovable? Yes, a little, or maybe a lot, or not at all? 

Turning towards the heart, I get to see all the conditions set up in the mind only, and that keep me from finding the joy within. 

Challenges of Mindfulness Practice

On this first day of the year, I felt like going to the source, again. 

Going to Leigh's website for his curated list of suttas, I settled on the first one on the list, and let the words do their work on me . . . 

From the Potthapada Sutta, on States of Consciousness, this time, I got the following:

Living in this world as I am is a challenge to practice. The alternative of going forth with the contemplative life is there. Reading the suttas, one cannot help but be tempted. Indeed, the household life is crowded, a path of dust. Going forth is like the open air. It is not easy living at home to practice the holy life totally perfect, totally pure, like a polished shell. And, the reality is, it is not so easy going forth nowadays, particularly for a woman!

Next is the pursuit of moral discipline. I can always use a reminder about  right speech. To not engage in false speech, divisive speech, abusive speech, or idle chatter, is not easy to do consistently. Most helpful I have found, is to remember the inevitable karmic consequences from such action. Of course, mindfulness is the best protection.

Guarding the senses door, I take as an invitation to take all sensory experiences with a grain of salt. Carrying with me, Ajahn Chah's image of the wilted flower. Nothing to be enthralled by. Instead appreciating what each moment brings, and leaving it at that, not grasping for more. 

Mindfulness of all activities is such an underrated practice. Many times, I have stated the intention of bringing mindfulness into my every day life, consistently from dawn to dusk. Many times, I have not followed through. Only during retreats, have I been able to carry through. For now, I shall settle with good intentions and the appreciation for those times throughout the day when I remember to be mindful.

Being content with what I have or less even, is another goal worth exploring this year. I rely upon so many outer conditions for my most basic sense of well-being. Good food, preferably of the organic kind; enough money in the bank to protect from future hardships; the ability to spin every day at the Y; a warm home, I don't like to be cold; this computer and my iPhone, God forbid something happened to those precious possessions! decent looks, it's easy saying I don't care about those, as long as nature is good to me; the list goes on . . . 

Abandoning the hindrances is the next thing on the list, right before the chance to dwell in the first Jhana . . . It's been quite a ride, noticing the hindrances and exploring ways to set them aside.  Anxiety, anger, boredom, depression, envy, and grief, take turns to challenge mind and heart with their share of misery. The big lesson I learned is to not get lost into the objects of such states, but rather to see them for what they are, unwholesome fabrications of the mind, to be ridden of without question. 

What is your take?

Sticky Thoughts and Mindfulness Practice

Sitting, meditating on the breath, or the body, or another object, one gets a chance to become intimate with the mind. Sometimes, all is well, and there is peace, and moments of total ease with the present moment. More often, though, the mind is playing one of its favorite numbers, either wandering, or perseverating with troubling thoughts. The latter is the most difficult to deal with, and requires another medicine besides meditation.

Adapted from the root teaching on The Removal of Distracting Thoughts, are some clear instructions:

We are to reflect on the distracting thoughts. This is a different activity than meditation, and one that complements it. This reflection follows a five step process.

1) Substitution

When unskillful thoughts arise, one should, in order to get rid of them, reflect on a different object which is connected with skillful thoughts. For example, if one is overcome with thoughts of self-loathing, one can try to practice loving kindness, wishing oneself well. 

2) Reflection on cause and effect 

If the unskillful thoughts continue to arise, one should ponder on the disadvantages of unskillful thoughts. What effect do these thoughts have on me? How much misery is created as a result? How does it feel in the body, and in the mind? 

3) Distraction

If the unskillful thoughts continue to arise, one should endeavor to turn one's attention and reflection away from those thoughts. 

4) Investigation of the source

If unskillful thoughts continue to arise, one should reflect on the removal of the (thought) source of those unskillful thoughts. 

5) Forceful removal

If unskillful thoughts continue to arise, one should restrain, subdue and beat down the negative mind with the good mind. 

Closer to us, contemporary Vipassana teachers are dispensing similar teachings.

From U Tejaniya, in Awareness Alone is Not Enough, a teaching about difficult emotions that can also be applied to unskillful thoughts:

When trying to deal with an emotion you can ask yourself  four questions. 

1) First question: “When I am having this emotion, does it make my body and mind feel good or bad?” Does it feel pleasant or unpleasant? If you recognize the emotion every time it arises, and also recognize whether it feels pleasant or unpleasant in body and mind, the mind will start wondering whether it is worth having this emotion. Eventually your mind will realize that it does not have to live with this emotion. Once you know that something does not feel good, are you just going to keep indulging in it?

2) Second question: “What is the emotion about, what is it directed towards?” 

3) Third question: “Why am I having this emotion?” 

4) Fourth question: “Is having this emotion necessary or unnecessary?”

These questions support the practice because they create interest and encourage us to use our intelligence. The moment we get a real answer, when the mind really sees something, it lets go.

From Ayya Khema, in When the Iron Eagle Flies:

"What you could do at such time would be contemplation. Sit down where nobody will disturb you, and focus on the pain to find out its cause, why it should have arisen. Do not be satisfied with an answer such as "Because so-and-so said something"- that's only the superficial cause of it. That would have been the trigger, but there's no cause for mental pain unless there's something inside oneself that is reacting to that trigger. It is useful first to find the outer trigger, which is probably well known to you. It could be a sense of futility, anxiety about the future - any kind of trigger is possible."

"Then you need to find in yourself the reason for the reaction creating pain. The reason has to be "I don't want it the way it is." There can be no other."

But why don't we like it the way it is? Usually the answer is "Because my ego is not supported." The bottom line of the whole inquiry is always the "ego", but it's useless to say, "I know it is my ego" and then continue to have the pain. It is useful , however, to go through the whole process of the trigger, the personal reaction, the inquiry into the cause of the reaction and then the understanding that the reaction is our dukkha and not the trigger. I have a formula: "Don't blame the trigger." Never let the mind stay with the trigger; always investigate what and who is reacting. Unless we find the reaction to the trigger in ourselves, we are going to repeat the same performance with the same result over and over again, like a preprogrammed computer printout. Press the same buttons and the same printout appears, until we finally realize that it is nothing but a button being pressed, and that we don't have to have the same printout. We are in a position to be able to stop ourselves.

In the beginning that may be painful because we have to look at ourselves in a new way. We need no have this exaggerated idea of our own worth, nor do we need an exaggerated idea of our nonworth. We can learn just to accept the way things are. Sitting on the pillow at such a time is very good, but trying to meditate is often useless; contemplate instead. The subject of the contemplation is to be: "The cause of mental pain."

And also:

Some [feelings] are pleasant, some are unpleasant, some are neutral, but our reactions don't have to be preplanned, impulsive, instinctive. We can look at them with mindfulness and put the brakes on. Substitution is much easier than just dropping what is in the mind. Although dropping is the perfect way to get rid of clinging, it is more difficult because it is a letting-go aspect. In the beginning, substitution is a necessary response . . . When aversion, rejection, resistance, anger, jealousy, pride, greed, or craving arise within, we can take a moment to look at them mindfully. When we recognize their burdensome impact on us, we understand that we need not continue to let them exist. We can substitute compassion, or the idea that they are not important, or the understanding of impermanence, or corelessness. This is particularly true of anger, which makes life so very unpleasant for oneself and others. When we get angry with a person, we can ask ourselves first of all, "What am I getting angry at? Is it the hair, the nose, the eyes, or what? Am I getting angry at his words? If it is really unpleasant speech, it means the other person is unhappy. "Why should I get angry, then? Why can't I be compassionate?" If we can change our anger to compassion, we will feel good, the other person will feel good, and we will have taken a step forward on our spiritual path.

From Gil Fronsdal:

By sorting through the unwholesome and the wholesome, we can choose to cultivate the wholesome and let go of the unwholesome. If you feel an inclination to be generous, for example, you can choose to water the seed of generosity by following through on that inclination. You may be able to distinguish mean-spirited feelings and choose to let them go. With enough mindfulness and investigation, you can even choose which thoughts to pursue and which to drop. You may be able to recognize when you are thinking along unwholesome lines and choose to think about something more useful.

From Bikkhu Boddhi, in The Noble Eightfold Path, the Way to the End of Suffering:

Since greed and aversion are deeply grounded, they do not yield easily; however, the work of overcoming them is not impossible if an effective strategy is employed. The path devised by the Buddha makes use of an indirect approach: it proceeds by tackling the thoughts to which these defilements give rise. Greed and aversion surface in the form of thoughts, and thus can be eroded by a process of "thought substitution," by replacing them with the thoughts opposed to them. The intention of renunciation provides the remedy to greed. Greed comes to manifestation in thoughts of desire — as sensual, acquisitive, and possessive thoughts. Thoughts of renunciation spring from the wholesome root of non-greed, which they activate whenever they are cultivated. Since contrary thoughts cannot coexist, when thoughts of renunciation are roused, they dislodge thoughts of desire, thus causing non-greed to replace greed. Similarly, the intentions of good will and harmlessness offer the antidote to aversion. Aversion comes to manifestation either in thoughts of ill will — as angry, hostile, or resentful thoughts; or in thoughts of harming — as the impulses to cruelty, aggression, and destruction. Thoughts of good will counter the former outflow of aversion, thoughts of harmlessness the latter outflow, in this way excising the unwholesome root of aversion itself.

Last, borrowing from the Vipassana tradition, and adapted for the Western psychology culture, are cognitive approaches to dysfunctional thoughts, that are now commonly used to treat depression. Cognitive therapy, and Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) recognize the importance of becoming aware of negative thought patterns and approaching them in a way that loosens their grip, eventually leading to more skillful mind habits. 

Through the Undercurrents of Mind

When in Hawaii, as I am right now, one gets constantly reminded of the need to watch for dangerous undercurrents. One can get lost in the sea, and if not skillful, never make it back even . . . Walking the long stretch of Kailua beach, I had plenty of time to feel and move through another kind of undercurrents, in the mind.  Working too much, not giving the mind enough opportunities to watch itself, was threatening to take me down, and I had to use all my acquired wisdom, and the power of concentrated mindfulness to get myself out. 

Walking, walking, and feeling each step, foot digging into the soft, cool, wet sand. Being with the unpleasantness of drowned heart. Watching the unwholesome thoughts that had been stirring for quite some time, and were at the source. Familiar, underlying tendencies that need to be caught over and over again, or even better yet, averted before they even get a chance to take hold. I had been negligent, and was being caught right in the middle. I had to be clever. Just like with the ocean, it was important to linger in the current for a while rather than trying to get out right away, a lost cause indeed. I remembered Ayya Khema's list, and saw this as an opportunity to better understand the mind, my own mind. Down the list I went, and found at the very bottom, a clinging to 'me', and the delusion of wanting life to unfold a certain way, 'my' way. Treacherous assumptions that threatened the possibility of peace and true happiness. 

Mind had to let go, and seize the first opportunity out. Amazed, I watched the whole process  unfold. Later in the day, I had dinner with a wise, old friend, a mad scientist who says it like it is. And I resonated with his point, about the fragile nature of our existence, and the need to live life fully, authentically, and without fears.

Do you ever get caught also? Which undercurrents threaten to overtake you most often?

Taking Proper Note

During formal mindfulness practice, one needs to take proper note of all that is happening in the mind, and particularly the hindrances, or else, the hindrances will keep standing in the way of inner peace. From Thanissaro Bhikkhu's Wings of Awakening:

There are cases where a foolish, inexperienced, unskillful monk remains focused on the body in & of itself—ardent, alert, & mindful—putting aside greed & distress with reference to the world. As he remains thus focused on the body in & of itself, his mind does not become concentrated, his defilements [Comm: the five Hindrances] are not abandoned. He does not take note of that fact [does not pick up on that theme]. He remains focused on feelings in & of themselves... the mind in & of itself... mental qualities in & of themselves—ardent, alert, & mindful—putting aside greed & distress with reference to the world. As he remains thus focused on mental qualities in & of themselves, his mind does not become concentrated, his defilements are not abandoned. He does not take note of that fact. As a result, he is not rewarded with a pleasant abiding here & now, nor with mindfulness & alertness. Why is that? Because the foolish, inexperienced, unskillful monk does not take note of his own mind [does not pick up on the theme of his own mind]  

[. . .]

In the same way, there are cases where a wise, experienced, skillful monk remains focused on the body in & of itself... feelings in & of themselves... the mind in & of itself... mental qualities in & of themselves—ardent, alert, & mindful—putting aside greed & distress with reference to the world. As he remains thus focused on mental qualities in & of themselves, his mind becomes concentrated, his defilements are abandoned. He takes note of that fact. As a result, he is rewarded with a pleasant abiding here & now, together with mindfulness & alertness. Why is that? Because the wise, experienced, skillful monk picks up on the theme of his own mind.

SN 47:8

Sitting earlier, it became clear how my mind had become polluted with a string of angry thoughts. Sitting, I had the opportunity of feeling the heat, the unsettling, the constriction, the agitation in body and mind both. And I knew to focus on the anger itself, not its object. There was nothing to be done about the other person's behavior. I had tried before, to no avail. No, the only way lied within, in abandoning the raging train, and watching it go by instead. 

Of course, this is not easy. Hours later, I can still see the anger inside for the hindrance that it is. And I am still very much in the train . . . One needs to be patient with these things! 

Recognizing and Overcoming the Challenges of Mindfulness Practice

Every day, I have been reading a few pages of  The Wings of Awakening, Thanissaro Bikkhu's compiling and commentary of the Buddha's most important teachings, as declared by the Buddha himself. And I am struck by the clarity of the instructions at our disposal. From there to the question, how come not more practice from more people, only one small step that I would like to cross here. 

We know what to do. We know the reward. So, what's the problem?

Starting with myself, I need to reflect on all the moments when I am not mindful, all the missed opportunities to steady the mind and gain more wisdom, all the small forks in the road when I choose the mindless route. Why spend time surfing the Internet, when I could be practicing? Why get impatient while waiting for something, somewhere, when I could use the time as a mindful pause? Why go shopping for more clothes that I don't really need, when I could choose to sit instead and learn from the underline anxiety? Why all those moments, spent acting against my own self-interest?

I sat down this morning and reflected on all the reasons why I have not been more mindful, and why potentially others are not either. And came down with this list:

Let me start first by blaming the environment :). Silicon Valley, out of all places is not exactly conducive to the practice of mindfulness. In the world of Facebook and Google, it is easy to loose sight of the real thing. 

Second is laziness. It takes great mental energy to stay mindful. This is why right effort is part of the teachings. To not give into the temptation to escape a difficult moment, whether because of physical or mental pain, requires willpower. 

Third is the compulsion of mindless computing. The web has brought me so many wonderful gifts, including ready access to the teachings and to many Dharma friends. It has also hooked my mind into unhealthy habits that are hard to give up. 

Fourth is delusion, or the mind's tendency to fool itself into thinking erroneous thoughts. Leading me to drown into hindrances, for a bit too long before I can see them for what they really are. 

This is why I need the Buddha, the Dharma, and the Sangha to keep me on task, 24/7. The Buddha, whose gentle wisdom welcomes me each time I open my computer:

The Dharma, to be found at Access to Insight, the awesome repository of teachings, accessible through just one click. The Sangha in its many forms: online here and also on Twitter and Facebook, but more importantly, in the flesh at Insight Meditation Center, my local center. Making the time each week to reconnect, and remember to practice as I join my friends there for a sitting, followed by a talk from our teacher, Gil Fronsdal.

Which are your greatest challenges to mindfulness practice? 

Making Friends With the Hindrances

They pop up in my mind, just like that. Flashes of clarity in the midst of unpleasantness. Words of wisdom that spell it like it is: 'greed', 'restless', 'fear', 'anger', 'depressed', 'envy', 'self-pity', 'craving', 'aversion', 'lust', 'wanting', 'anxiety', 'dullness', 'doubt', 'addicted' . . . Labels with the power to free the mind from its own trappings. 

Earlier, I saw the arising of envious thoughts. 'Envy', this is 'envy', I told myself, a bad weed to be eradicated at once. Being mindful, I could actually see the effect of 'envy' right now, right there, in the form of mental and physical unease. I could also remember all the other times before when I had felt 'envy', and the waste of happiness that had ensued. That was enough to drop the troubling thoughts. 

All day long, watching the arising of hindrances in the mind, and this process of mind disentangling itself.  And each time, reaping the joy. 

Loosening Mind's Bad Habits

Sitting this morning,  I could clearly feel the hold of greedy mind, and I understood it as a lifelong habit to be kindly lived through and attended to, right there. This seeing of greed, and of the other hindrances, as a habit of mind, is a new realization and one that makes the culprit more workable. It helps with knowing it's going to take time to uproot. It helps with knowing that  it is just a habit like any other, a formation of the mind that has dug itself deep into the recesses of the brain. The longer the roots, the more time needed to extract the weed.   

Sitting this morning, there was no underestimating the power of the mind's bad habits, in this case craving. I had to admit my relative powerlessness, meanwhile dipping my awareness into neutral breath, over and over. Each time, greedy mind kept pulling me back into its web. Back and forth, back and forth, it went. And something else also. Bigger than breath, bigger than untamed mind, was the joy of resting in the deeper layers of wise awareness, and patient acceptance of the mind's limitations. Loving myself enough to give the mind time to extricate itself from years of painful contractions and delusion.

Such movements of the mind are so small. This is why it takes no less than complete stillness to notice, and start the loosening process through the power of concentrated attention. 

Not Falling Into the Traps

Many times, I feel like Alice (in Wonderland):

In a moment, down went Alice after it [the rabbit], never once considering how in the world she was to get out again. The rabbit-hole went straight on like a tunnel for some way, and then dipped suddenly down, so suddenly, that Alice had not a moment to think about stopping herself, before she found herself falling down what seemed a deep well. Either the well was very deep, or she fell very slowly, for she had plenty of time as she went down to look about her, and to wonder what would happen next. First, she tried to look down and make out what she was coming to, but it was too dark to see anything [...] Down, down, down. Would the fall never come to and end? "I wonder how many miles I've fallen by this time?" said she aloud, "I must be getting somewhere near the centre of the earth [...] she looked up, but it was all dark overhead [...] There were doors all round the hall, but they were all locked, and when Alice had been all round it, and tried them all, she walked sadly down the middle, wondering how she was ever to get out again. 

Every moment, the danger if one is not careful, of stepping into a trap, just like Alice. Actually, not just one, but many possible traps. We each have our own lot.

[...] suddenly she came upon a little three-legged table, all made of solid glass; there was nothing lying upon it, but a tiny golden key, and Alice's first ideas was that it might belong to one of the doors of the hall, but alas! either the locks were too large, or the key too small, but at any rate it would open none of them. However, on the second time round, she came to a low curtain, behind which was a door about eighteen inches high: she tried the little key in the keyhole, and it fitted! Alice opened the door, and looked down a small passage, not larger than a rat-hole, into the loveliest garden you ever say. How she longed to get out of that dark hall, and wander about among those beds of bright flowers and those cool fountains, but she could not even get her head through the doorway, "and even if my head would go through", thought poor Alice, "it would be very little use without my shoulders. Oh, how I wish I could shut up like a telescope! I think I could, if I only knew how to begin." [...] 

Once down at the bottom, it is no easy feat to surface again in the bright light . . . It can take years, a whole lifetime, and even that may not be enough. 

Every moment, an opportunity to pay attention, and to realize one is about to step into another dark pit. Saying a vigorous 'no, not going there'. And using the breath or the safety of a kind thought, to retreat and go around. 

That's just the way the mind is!

Pulling Out Some Weed

This time, I was quicker at noticing the nascent weed.

It rose up, just like that, a few days ago. Just one thought, at first, soon followed by many more in the same 'worry' family. From worry to blame, to anger, to depression, only a short few steps quickly taken. It took me six days to get out of it. It was that strong.

Gil's recent talk on the hindrances was timely. Here are my notes:

It is important to see what can take us away from mindfulness, namely the hindrances. The meaning of the word 'hinder' is 'to cover over'. The challenge is in noticing when we are about to get caught and in not picking up the hindrance. There lies the possibility for release and freedom. 

We need to cultivate such moment, so that we can understand how we get caught.

The five hindrances:

sensual desire

ill will or aversion - to attack, blame, push away, not want, destroy

sloth and torpor - dull, sinking mind, depression, a response to aversion

restlessness and remorse

doubt

All universal tendencies that should not be taken personally. When we encounter them, we can tell ourselves, great, I get to study it. This way we understand our humanity. We can release ourselves little by little by stepping back and not getting caught. The hindrances can be seen as five unhealthy strategies we adopt when we are uncomfortable. The danger is in loosing ourselves if we focus on the object. The movement of mindfulness is to turn our attention to what it feels to be desiring or aversive. We can become aware of the cost of the anger to ourselves. Some times, looking is counter indicated if it triggers more agitation, more desire, more aversion. With aversion, we then practice loving kindness. With desire, we use our imagination as antidote, seeing the undesirable qualities of the object. With sloth and torpor, we don't give in, we study what it feels like. With restlessness, we make the radical move to sit still. With doubt, the most dangerous of all because so pernicious, we need to be extra vigilant.

This week, I felt the full power of the hindrances marching in pack, as they often do. And it was quite humbling, to say the least. The mind has ways of convincing itself that it is right, when it is indeed wrong. The mind has trouble owning one's troubles, and wants to put it 'out there', in this case, one person. 

Many weeds that keep growing back, and the constant job required of tending one's inner garden. 

How many weeds in your garden? 

Cleaning Up This House

It is relatively easy to see and decide with clear mind, not this, not that.

A whole other matter is ridding the body from the accumulated imprints of years of hindrances, left unchecked. The causes of the original tensions are long gone, but their effects linger in the stomach, in the throat, the shoulders, the neck, the jaws . . . This is when the mind needs to help the body. Being with the discomfort, and little by little releasing the long held constrictions, the clinging against, or for something. 

The cleaning-up process, the purification process I have talked about, takes place in the mind. but you will also find you need to remove some old debris that has accumulated in the body because of our psychological responses. 

Imagine a person has been living in a room for the past twenty or thirty years and has never bothered to clean it. All the leftover food, all the dirty clothes, all the rubbish that's accumulated now reaches up to the ceiling. Trying to live among that rubbish is extremely unpleasant. But the room's inhabitant doesn't even notice it, until one day a friend comes along and says, "Why don't you clean up?" So together they clean up a little corner. Then our imaginary person finds that it's far more comfortable and easy to live in that clean corner. Now they start to clean out the whole room until eventually they can look out of the windows and get a better view and also find room enough to move. Feeling more comfortable, the person can use the mind freely without having to attend to any bodily discomfort. 

The house we live in is our body. It doesn't matter how many times we move from town to country, from apartment to home, from home to a room, or even from one country to another. We takes this body with us until it completely deteriorates, decays, and becomes a heap of bones, and then only dust. Until that happens, we carry it along with us wherever we move. Its' this house that we need to make a little more spacious and at ease. 

The psychological accumulation of obstructions and blockages has been deposited by our emotional responses. Mind has put them there, so mind can also remove them. In our meditative procedure this means "knowing the feeling, not reacting, then letting go of it."

~ Ayya Khema, Being Nobody, Going Nowhere ~

Retraining the mind, and consequently the body, one moment at a time. "Knowing the feeling, not reacting [in mind, and body], then letting go of it." The big challenge as I have experienced it, is having the courage to consciously explore the dirty old house, and feel the whole unpleasantness that's attached to it. 

Sitting 'Til the End

It's a physical and a mind thing

Sitting, feeling the full effect of Mara's attack

Cold blood coursing through whole body

Throat tightening, and the usual knots in the stomach

The Buddha, too, felt the same way, minutes 

before the light dawned on him

It helps to name the poisons of fear, and aversion

and to trace their source, back to the mind's doings

Thoughts about a perceived enemy, real close by,

and what might happen if, if I do this,

what might he do? and quick the wisdom to not linger

and choose a different place upon which to dwell

Loving kindness, yes, that he may be well, and at peace,

that I too, may be at peace, and at ease . . .

Not expecting too much too quickly, and feeling 

the full effect from the poison, unwillingly taken

Sitting 'til the end, sitting still 'til the bell ring.

The Gladness of Steadiness

There is great joy in knowing one is doing exactly what is called for in the moment. While in that state of mind, the particulars of outer circumstances cease to matter. It requires slowing down, and sustained mindfulness practice. Taking the time to notice, what are the feet stepping on? what is the thought? what is the overall feeling? what is the right action, right now? what is the intention? Putting the leash on reactivity, and dwelling in the gladness of steady heart, and tamed mind. 

Almost all day, I spent that way. 

I wondered what happened? How come so much grace, all of a sudden?

And it became clear, the hindrances had receded, finally. Fear, aversion, doubt, craving . . . gone.  It had taken spending days in their intimate company, surveying all the suffering involved, for the heart to finally decide, enough! 

Until the next time. 

In the Storm

Standing still in the middle of a storm, 

I get to feel its full effects.

Major upset in the body. Throat, tight. Chest, heavy. Heart, pounding. Limbs, shaking almost. 

In the heart, a powerful cocktail of fear, wanting (something else), anger (at this person), and doubt also. 

In the mind, tumbling thoughts of 'poor me', 'what a jerk!', 'what's going to happen?', and many more in the same genre.

Hindrances showing themselves in all their darkness . . . 

And under carefully watching eye, something else also, that's even more powerful. Another brew made up of wisdom, strength, loving kindness, determination, energy, patience, virtue, renunciation, truthfulness, equanimity, generosity. All ten perfections showing up during this critical moment. 

I needed to write this post this morning, as I am about to head out to work after a sleepless night.

May you be well, may you be at peace, may you be at ease, may you be happy.

May I be well, may I be at peace, may at be at ease, may I be happy.

May the source of my torment be well, and at peace, and at ease, and happy. (I mean it)

Beyond the Inner Prison

Something had to be done. I could no longer bear the anxiety inside. I did what I usually do in such situation: a collage. 

The images jumped at me, quick. A men's prison, an anxious looking woman, her black purse thrown over her shoulder, some blue sky, and a bird. Cut away, the glass windows in the ceiling of the prison. Sky now visible, and one bird. Woman looking up towards the sky. Above and behind her, a tough looking man looking down in her direction.

A perfect image for how I felt, trapped inside some high security prison with no chance of escaping. I taped it on the wall above my desk, next to the big Buddha. 

Inner Prison

Looking at the picture, I started to 'see' another much larger reality. That of blue sky, unlimited, with the bird flying, free.  I felt a shift inside. Becoming like the sky, with breath flowing in and out, no longer hindered. Fear melting, and replaced by a deep calmness that could not be touched by outer ripples. No longer wishing for, or away. Just being breathed.

What is your inner prison? How can you become free?