The Real Cause of Mental Pain

When To Meditate, and When To Contemplate.

It hit me last night. One dart, strategically shot, that left my heart bleeding . . . Of course, reactive mind chimed in, and pushed the dart further in, causing even more suffering. Something had to be done. I knew better than to give 'poor me' voice much weight. Sure, I had been done wrong by someone close, but still, that was no reason to take on the sad, angry role of victim. I remembered Ayya Khema's advice. Meditation would do me no good in this situation. Instead,

"What you could do at such time would be contemplation. Sit down where nobody will disturb you, and focus on the pain to find out it s cause, why it should have arisen. Do not be satisfied with an answer such as "Because so-and-so said something"- that's only the superficial cause of it. That would have been the trigger, but there's no cause for mental pain unless there's something inside oneself that is reacting to that trigger. It is useful first to find the outer trigger, which is probably well known to you. It could be a sense of futility, anxiety about the future - any kind of trigger is possible."

Sitting down at my desk, I was able to put my finger on the outer trigger. Yes, anxiety about the future, and also of not being able to rely on the other person.

"Then you need to find in yourself the reason for the reaction creating pain. The reason has to be "I don't want it the way it is." There can be no other."

Yes, I have a big need for security. Anything that threatens it, triggers a strong personal reaction of fear.

But why don't we like it the way it is? Usually the answer is "Because my ego is not supported." The bottom line of the whole inquiry is always the "ego", but it's useless to say, "I know it is my ego" and then continue to have the pain. It is useful , however, to go through the whole process of the trigger, the personal reaction , the inquiry into the cause of the reaction and then the understanding that the reaction is our dukkha and not the trigger.  I have a formula: "Don't blame the trigger." Never let the mind stay with the trigger; always investigate what and who is reacting. Unless we find the reaction to the trigger in ourselves, we are going to repeat the same performance with the same result over and over again, like a preprogrammed computer printout. Press the same buttons and the same printout appears, until we finally realize that it is nothing but a button being pressed, and that we don't have to have the same printout. We are in a position to be able to stop ourselves.

There is so much freedom in no longer looking for cause outside of oneself. I, not the other person is responsible for my pain, and that at least, I can do something about. In this case, I asked myself the question, why do I give the other person so much power? Why can't I find the security I need within myself? Down the ladder, I went, asking more why's, all to do with me, and no one else.

In the beginning that may be painful because we have to look at ourselves in a new way. We need no have this exaggerated idea of our own worth, nor do we need an exaggerated idea of our nonworth. We can learn just to accept the way things are. Sitting on the pillow at such a time is very good, but trying to meditate is often useless; contemplate instead. The subject of the contemplation is to be: "The cause of mental pain."  

~ From 'When The Iron Eagle Flies', pages 76-77, by Ayya Khema ~

What are some forms of inquiry, that you practice, and that complement your meditation practice?