If Buddha Was a Woman

The Challenge of Detaching, From a Feminine Perspective.

Daughter number two left this morning early. I heard the sound of her suitcase being wheeled out on the concrete driveway. She was driving to meet up with her sister three hours away. The two of them are embarking on a cross-country adventure, ending at my oldest daughter's new school in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. 

Lying in bed, I noticed the time, 5.53 am. There was no point in trying to go back to sleep. Better instead, watch the body do its thing. Jaws clenching, stomach tying itself in a knot, heart pinched, arms becoming heavy, throat tightening. And thoughts to match, of all the things that could possibly go wrong during their upcoming trip. With the short-lived relief of being with a few breaths, here and there. 

I am a chronic worrier, just like my mother was before Alzheimer's did its job. Of the five hindrances, anxiety is my biggest enemy, and one I need to keep on investigating. Lying with it for two hours this morning, I was gifted with a few insights about the beast:

• One major culprit is mind's tendency to make up stories about future.
• Mind's wanderings is fueled by fear of grief and permanent loss.
• Mind deludes itself into thinking that it can use thoughts to control outcomes.
• Beneath rejection of impermanence, is clinging to foolish wish for a fixed state.
• When I go back to breath and present moment, anxiety lessens.
• If I am fully present with sadness and grief from actual situation, mind is less likely to wander.
• Just observing anxious state of mind is sufficient enough to bring some significant relief.
• Holding fear as mother would a scared child, is rather sweet.

The Buddha has his own take on the subject:

"What do you think, monks: is corporeality permanent or impermanent?" — "Impermanent, Lord." — "And what is impermanent, is it painful or pleasant?" — "Painful, Lord." — "What is impermanent, painful, subject to change, is it fit to be considered thus: 'This is mine, this I am, this is my self'?" — "Certainly not, Lord." — "What do you think, monks: Is feeling... is perception... are mental formations... is consciousness... permanent or impermanent?" — "Impermanent, Lord." — "And what is impermanent, is it painful or pleasant?" — "Painful, Lord." — "And what is impermanent, painful, subject to change, is it fit to be considered thus: 'This is mine, this I am, this is my self?" — "Certainly not, Lord."

"Therefore, monks, whatever corporeality, whether past, future, or present, in oneself or external, gross or subtle, inferior or superior, far or near — all corporeality should with right wisdom, thus be seen as it is: 'This is not mine, this I am not, this is not my self.'

"Whatever feeling... whatever perception... whatever mental formations... whatever consciousness, whether past, future or present, in oneself or external, gross or subtle, inferior or superior, far or near — all... consciousness should, with right wisdom, thus be seen as it is: 'This is not mine, this I am not, this is not my self.'

"Seeing this, monks, the well-instructed noble disciple becomes disgusted with corporeality, becomes disgusted with feeling, with perception, with mental formations, with consciousness.

"Through his being disgusted, his passion fades away. His passion having faded, he is freed. 

~ Discourse on the Snake Simile: Alagaddupama Sutta (MN22) ~ 

The Buddha is very pragmatic. Why get attached to something that cannot be relied upon? I understand his point, intellectually at least.

I also think women have it a little harder than men. Women as bearers of the mother archetype are inherently set up for strong attachments, particularly to their children. This makes the job of detaching particularly challenging. I wonder if the Buddha's discourse would have been different, had he been a woman?

There is some wisdom in anxiety, after all.

How about you? What is your experience of being with anxiety? What have you learned?