Loosening Mind's Bad Habits

Sitting this morning,  I could clearly feel the hold of greedy mind, and I understood it as a lifelong habit to be kindly lived through and attended to, right there. This seeing of greed, and of the other hindrances, as a habit of mind, is a new realization and one that makes the culprit more workable. It helps with knowing it's going to take time to uproot. It helps with knowing that  it is just a habit like any other, a formation of the mind that has dug itself deep into the recesses of the brain. The longer the roots, the more time needed to extract the weed.   

Sitting this morning, there was no underestimating the power of the mind's bad habits, in this case craving. I had to admit my relative powerlessness, meanwhile dipping my awareness into neutral breath, over and over. Each time, greedy mind kept pulling me back into its web. Back and forth, back and forth, it went. And something else also. Bigger than breath, bigger than untamed mind, was the joy of resting in the deeper layers of wise awareness, and patient acceptance of the mind's limitations. Loving myself enough to give the mind time to extricate itself from years of painful contractions and delusion.

Such movements of the mind are so small. This is why it takes no less than complete stillness to notice, and start the loosening process through the power of concentrated attention. 

De-Constructing the Greed Experience

One of my favorite moments is to linger in the hot tub at the YMCA after a long swim. Yesterday, with my mind on break, and eyes closed, all I could feel was the delightful pressure of the jets against my back, and the joyful sounds of women chatting. A most pleasurable state indeed, very much to my liking. I also noticed how protective I became of 'my' space, right in front of most powerful jet . . . and then the slight tension that followed in my upper chest. 

Turning to Ayya Khema, one more time - from Who Is My Self?:

"We can look at the mind and see its four aspects . . . In doing this, we will come nearer to the understanding that in fact there is nobody who owns it. The first aspect is "sense-consciousness", the five senses: seeing, hearing, tasting, touching, and smelling. The second aspect is feeling, which arises from sense-contact. This feeling is either pleasant, unpleasant, neutral. The third is perception, which can also be called labeling. For example, when the feeling is unpleasant, the label is "pain". The fourth is mental formation, or reaction. If the mind had said "pain", the reaction is usually "I don't like it", or "I've got to get away from this." It is very useful at this stage in our practice to become clearly aware of these four aspects of mind and of how they follow each other as cause and effect: sense-contact, feeling, perception, and lastly reaction. It is important to get to know this sequence, both during meditation and in our every day life. The Buddha taught that it is through an awareness of these four parts of mind, through the knowledge and vision of the understood experience, that we come to the realization that there is nothing at all within them than constitutes a "me". The "me" is a thought, an idea . . . 

This "me," however, is not only an idea, it is also the mechanism that produces greed and hate. We all know these two; they come very easily to us. We all live with them and are familiar with them, but they do not produce happiness. In our practice we need to examine . . . the four parts of mind and how they arise and cease. We can become aware of each sense-contact-a taste, a smell- and how such contact leads to the next step, feeling-pleasant, unpleasant, neutral-and so on.

Most people are only aware of the first and the last step, the sense-contact and the reaction: "It looks nice, I want it", or "It looks awful, I must get rid of it." The reaction follows so quickly that we miss out completely on the two intervening stages. We should practice in the following way: Having noticed our reaction, we go back to the sense-contact that led to it. We then try to become aware again of the feeling that followed the sense-contact, and then of the mind's explanation (dirty, disgusting, delicious, boring). Notice these two missing parts, the feeling and the label. Now, within these four parts - sense-contact, feeling, perception, reaction - try to find the one who senses, feels, perceives, reacts. The mind says, "But its' me doing that," but this is only an idea. Where is the doer? We can actually notice that these four steps are an automatic progression, that there is no one "doing" anything. It all just happens and we can watch it happen.

We can also decide to stop the sequence at any of the four points, particularly at the perception, the labeling. Then we will notice that we are not compelled to react. As we do this, however, the mind will say: "Surely I must be the one who made that decision, who determined to do that." You can now try to find that one. There is only determination, which is a mental factor. It is essential to investigate this not once, but many times. Within these khandhas, these aggregates, lies the illusion. One person will say the determination came from their thinking, another that it came from their feeling, someone else will say: "It was the observer" or "It was my willpower" Then we need to ask ourselves if any of these can really be called "me". Where is that "me" when none of these reactions are taking place, when there is no observer, no willpower, nothing like that going on at all? When any one of these supposed "me's" is not functioning, where is it? What is it doing?"

De-constructing the hot tub experience that way, I can clearly see the sequence: 

sense contact of touch between high pressure water and back -> pleasant feeling -> delightful perception/label -> liking reaction -> greed 

and I how I got in trouble the minute mind engaged in second and fourth step, as it always does, automatically, if left on its own.  

One More Round

Just when I thought,

I was done with the devil,

good news from a friend

on her way to the top,

threatened to send me back

to the hellish realms.

Old demons jumped at once,

from dark corners

and started to play tricks.

First was envy, whose bitter brew

I tasted only for an instant,

then spit, and washed away

with a dose of heartfelt rejoicing.

Then, an old craving awoke,

and started to torment me

with unreasonable demands

for what could not be had any more,

the fruit of which I had eaten before,

and decided I did not like.

Last came doubt,

under the guise of wisdom,

who begged me to please reconsider

the difficult path I had just chosen.

Familiar lines, heard several times

too many, were losing their power.

I took all three demons head on,

and sent them back flying.

Still a bit shaken

from such arduous confrontations,

I stood still,

and congratulated myself

for my resolve.

From Greed to Rapture

Still fresh from powerful sitting experience . . .

It started with just breath, and the imprint, still fresh in body, of contraction in earlier dream state. A dream about greed, and money, and fear of not having enough, and resulting tightness that did not let love in.

Quickly dropping into the depth of self, I meet contraction, right in the center. Feeling it tighten even more, under the gaze of intent awareness. Tightening, tightening, until it burns my whole inside. Oh! the suffering. From grasping, grasping, more and more . . .  Gentle breath, one after the other, enveloping the inferno, with great patience and love. Paradox of joy from great clarity, and the sense of being at one with reality of hell. Leading to burning mass dissolving into internal cavity, gradients evening out between hotness and coolness.  Happy feeling. Noticing subtle clinging to joy itself. And almost at once, strange sensation in body. Energy rising from base of the spine, and moving up in corkscrew motion, all way up. Soon whole upper body starts rocking back and forth, uncontrollably, in small motions. Energy now moving straight up, in waves. I become cylindric column of energy, and rocking body.

Going back to my notes from Gil's Dharma Day last Friday, about 'Rapture', part of his series on Seven Factors of Awakening - parts relevant to today's experience:

Joy is important part of Buddhist practice, and foundation for practice. It makes it easier to encounter our suffering. Paradoxical nature. Interesting juxtaposition, when seeing suffering and being happy. Often times, energy of mind and attention is fragmented, and drains us. Deep contentment and joy come when energy of attention is settled. Joy can then bubble up from within and fills us. Leading to concentration, energies being unified and flowing easily

Buddha's expected ways of having joy for renunciates:

1. practice, knowing path of liberation
2. freedom from not having mind that has mind of its own
3. being secure enough in oneself to be able to share success of others
4. joy of meditation when mind is deeply concentrated; meditative joy has a lot to do with being absorbed into object of contemplation.
5. mind finds tranquillity 

Importance of being relaxed, and being open, allowing what needs to move through. Looking into currents of experience, feelings, energy.

5 different physical manifestations of meditative joy/rapture:

1. goose bumps
2. flashes
3. waves
4. light
5. equalized

All with varying degrees of intensity. Eventually one becomes tired of it, and starts feeling ordinary again. This helps detach, and move to the next level of change. 

I appreciate Gil's ordinary approach to rapture. A normal experience, just like any other along the path. No more, no less. Not be clinged to, not to be pushed away.

Mara's Land

I am falling in love with Hong Kong. Tantalizing views, exquisite food, super friendly people, luxurious buildings, exotic shopping . . . I can't get enough. With the liking, comes not so pleasant feeling, in greed/envy/jealousy family. The depth of my cravings is surprising me. Mara is testing my resolve, and the best I can do is notice, in love. Sitting, watching Rose Bowl with Prad and his friends, I silently taste the bitterness from unsatisfied greed, and the dislike of the bitterness. Underneath, joy from mindfulness, well done.

Nothing to Have

Last night was the annual Human Rights Watch Awards dinner at the Fairmont, in San Francisco. One of the highlight of the evening is the auction at the end. Prad was highest bidder for first item, a photo showing woman at decrepit maternity clinic in India. Proceeds to go to HRW Emergency Fund. I watched Prad as he raised his hand repeatedly as the bids kept coming. And I also watched myself, as I blurted out "You're crazy!". Prad's ease with the parting of his money, and my reluctance, made for an interesting teaching moment.

Over the last few days, I have had this automatic thought, "Nothing to Have". A spontaneous mantra, almost, that's taking more and more space in my mind, including this morning, during sitting. Breathing with ease. Body releasing into now. And mind repeating "Nothing to Have". A blissful state. Liking the peacefulness, and wanting it to last. Liking, wanting. Stomach interrupts, with tightness. Attention now drawn to constriction. Each breath, making room for the noose around stomach, and for feeling every bit of it. Noose moves up to head. Hmmm . . . this feels like yesterday. Headache again, and nausea. Left shoulder tense. Jaws clenching. Whole upper body's holding on, tensing onto itself.

"Nothing to Have". Certainly not money, and security. And also, other more subtle possessions, such as feeling of peace during this morning sitting. I like this quote from Joseph Goldstein, in "Voices of Insight": The Great Renunciation is really the renunciation of the paradigm of "having" as our deepest value.

I Want, I Want, I Want, . . .

Knots in stomach, tight throat, clenched jaws. Whole attentions is drawn to digestive system, while breath goes about its business. Soft, calm inhales, and exhales, moving up and down, through belly, past resistance of stomach, and oesophagus, and throat. Making room for reality of tightening, and holding on. I want. I want. I want . . . something. Not sure what, except 'it' is not part of present moment. Frustration. 'I want' becomes bigger and bigger with each breath. And so does dissatisfaction. Surge of activity in kitchen and unexpected noises threaten to push me over the edge. I want quiet. Not knives chopping stuff. Not microwave beeping. Not toaster ringing. Not spoon hitting bowl. Reality hits, along with foolishness of resisting. Stomach softens, throat relaxes. Kitchen quiet again. Front doors slams. Now, only ticking of clock, and distant hammering. And breath. Want still there, but more subdued.

Yesterday, during our neighborhood Dharma group meeting, Penny shared her experience from recent retreat, when she, for a moment, felt the bliss of being perfectly content with now, unburdened with weight of habitual wanting. So, there is hope . . . Of course, there is also the danger of wanting a want-free moment, turning into yet another want! :)

The Power of Want

Sitting, I become filled with hot energy. Demanding, insistent, . . . I name it greed, for that is what it feels like. Wanting something else, something more. The desire growing stronger with each breath. Thought that I want wanting to go away. Want. Irony of yet another level of desire. Body consumed. No choice but to stay with the tyrannical force. I want to be brave, stay still in the midst of the inferno. Want. Noted. There is fear also. Fear of not getting, not being whatever it is. And frustration. Wishing for tranquillity. Want. If only I could just be happy with the now. Want. Concentration waning. I start feeling sleepy, and dozing. Breath as anchor, to keep me as present as possible, given circumstances. I keep going back. Energy still there, although not as strong. Sleepy. I wish I could sleep. Want. Breathing. The wanting seems to be less strong. Losing some steam. Or is it my mind, playing tricks?

A Moment with Greed

Here it was. Greed, staring me in the face. Sprung from overheard casual conversation, about money and stuff. Usually, I would brush it away, quick. Shame from hosting such an ugly feeling. This time was different, and I held the shame, and the greed both at once. With fear, as third party. Fear of not having enough. As I sat still, I started exploring the greed, all of it. Shame gone. Only greed left, with its almost erotic pull. For a few minutes, I became 'it'. And then, poof . . . it was gone, completely, and in its place, a sense of exhilarating freedom. Joy, also.

Drinking From the Power Cup

Tonight, as I sat, I drank from the power cup, an intoxicating brew made of ambition, and greed, and desire, and delusions. With a twist of anger for good measure. I had drunk the stuff many times before, the general feeling seemed familiar. Only I had never stopped long enough, to really notice. Messed me up. I could taste the bitterness. This was bad s..., that could take me down the wrong path. Back to the breath for a bit of sanity. Breathing in, I savored the slow rising of my belly, and my chest. Stopping at the top. Then watching the slow descent, until the next breath. And the next one . . . Until soon, the smell from the cup within, drew me in again. I had to be careful, not to resist too much. I knew the more I tried, the more I would be at the mercy of the witch's brew. I remembered Jack Kornfield's instructions, and let myself feel its full effect, to see how far it would take me. Aversion. I found I did not like how it made me feel. Some tears came unannounced, strangely devoid of feeling. Ring of the bell, too soon. I was not done.