Motherhood, Love, and Mindfulness

Mother's Day . . . has arrived, and with it the usual onslaught of happy stories glorifying mothers everywhere. 

Mother's Day . . . for me is a day to reflect on Ayya Khema's commentary on  the Buddha's fourth remembrance:

"Everything that is mine and is dear to me must change" relates particularly aptly to our relationship with our children and our partners. Children begin changing from the day they are born. But they disappear or they can disappear [. . .]

None of us really believe that our children or partner belong to us. Nevertheless we feel that way about them and want to hold on to them. The various relationship problems in families arise out of this. 

[. . .] We think we have to determine the way our children develop. We think we can decide what they should and should not do. We not only want to keep our children and partners for ourselves, but we think they should live in accordance with our wishes and our conception of them. And none of this is true. 

We have to let go if we want to live and love in freedom. Not even one's own body is "mine", the Buddha said, so how can another person be "mine"? Everyone creates his or her own karma. 

[. . .] Pure love is love that has not wish to hold and to keep but is simply given freely. 

~ Ayya Khema, I Give You My Life ~ 

Mother's day . . . is a time to thank both of my daughters for helping me awaken to the nature of true motherly love, as so beautifully expressed by Ayya Khema. 

The Danger of Excellence

Yesterday, Elephant Journal surprised me by including me in its list of 'Best Female Buddhist Bloggers of 2009'. Of course I delight in this honor. I also can't help but wonder about the juxtaposition of the two words 'best' and 'Buddhist'. Seems to me like an oxymoron, similar to the claim made of Tibetan monk Matthieu Ricard as 'happiest man in the world'. Nothing can escape our competitive culture, not even its antithesis, the Buddhist path.

The real question, when bestowed such an honor, is what to do with it? Again, mindfulness becomes of the utmost importance, as in paying attention to the ego's reaction. Do I identify with the idea of being one of best female Buddhist bloggers in America, or do I renounce that identification, which is after all, very relative and temporary?  If I choose the latter route, I will, as Ayya Khema explains in her talk about renunciation, keep my ego in check and unencumbered by spurious associations:

To renounce this identification is a very important step: only if one stands alone can one actually practice the path. That doesn't mean one has to throw everyone out of one's house. but as long as one is dependent upon what somebody else says, thinks or does, how can one practice for one's own freedom? Without this identification the ego returns to its normal size, just one 'me' and that's all. it doesn't mean that the ego has been eliminated, but it has become more manageable again. One body, one mind, without owning or identifying with a  whole lot of people and things. 

And last but not least, congratulations to the other sisters on the list, many of whom I discovered during a  search for '15 Great Women Buddhist Blogs', a few weeks ago.

Nothing to Have

Last night was the annual Human Rights Watch Awards dinner at the Fairmont, in San Francisco. One of the highlight of the evening is the auction at the end. Prad was highest bidder for first item, a photo showing woman at decrepit maternity clinic in India. Proceeds to go to HRW Emergency Fund. I watched Prad as he raised his hand repeatedly as the bids kept coming. And I also watched myself, as I blurted out "You're crazy!". Prad's ease with the parting of his money, and my reluctance, made for an interesting teaching moment.

Over the last few days, I have had this automatic thought, "Nothing to Have". A spontaneous mantra, almost, that's taking more and more space in my mind, including this morning, during sitting. Breathing with ease. Body releasing into now. And mind repeating "Nothing to Have". A blissful state. Liking the peacefulness, and wanting it to last. Liking, wanting. Stomach interrupts, with tightness. Attention now drawn to constriction. Each breath, making room for the noose around stomach, and for feeling every bit of it. Noose moves up to head. Hmmm . . . this feels like yesterday. Headache again, and nausea. Left shoulder tense. Jaws clenching. Whole upper body's holding on, tensing onto itself.

"Nothing to Have". Certainly not money, and security. And also, other more subtle possessions, such as feeling of peace during this morning sitting. I like this quote from Joseph Goldstein, in "Voices of Insight": The Great Renunciation is really the renunciation of the paradigm of "having" as our deepest value.