My New Book: 'Caring For a Loved One With Dementia'

I am delighted to announce the release of my new book, 'Caring for a Loved One with Dementia: A Mindfulness-Based Guide for Reducing Stress and Making the Best of Your Journey Together'.

It was almost two years ago, when a New Harbinger editor approached me to write the book. I am glad. It feels good being able to offer what I learned to others going through the heroic journey of caring for a loved one with dementia.

Some of the stories I shared here in this blog, about caring long distance for my mother, made their way in the book. And I am grateful for it. Blogging allows a fluidity of words that can become stilted when writing 'a book'.

Listening to the Sound of Breath

This morning, sitting and minding the breath, an insight arose that  I would like to share. Up until now, I have always thought of awareness of breath and mindfulness of sounds as two separate practices. This morning, sitting, it struck me that both can be combined into one.

It goes like this:

Sitting, put the attention on the breath wherever it is most noticeable in the body. Linger a few minutes there, and in the midst of the surrounding quietness, start listening to the constantly changing sound of the breath. Sound of breath coming in, sound of breath leaving the body, and the silence in between. Let it carry your awareness.

For some such as myself, the sound of breath may be just what is needed to get the mind concentrated.

Paying attention to the sound of my own breath also made me think about all the times when I was privileged to sit next to someone dying, and how the sound of breath is such a big part of the life ending experience.

May you listen to the sound of breath. 

Meditation is Easy for Old Folks

I have been re-reading the Teachings of Ajahn Chah. Such a delight and food for one's practice . . . I was especially interested in what he had to say about aging and mindfulness practice. A common view is that one should undertake mindfulness at a young age while one's health is still good. Ajahn Chah takes another stance, that I find worth sharing for the many older folks interested in taking up mindfulness practice. Here are some excerpts:

Older persons, who often can’t sit very well, can contemplate especially well and practice concentration easily; they too can develop a lot of wisdom. How is it that they can develop wisdom? Everything is rousing them. When they open their eyes, they don’t see things as clearly as they used to. Their teeth give them trouble and fall out. Their bodies ache most of the time. Just that is the place of study. So really, meditation is easy for old folks. Meditation is hard for youngsters. Their teeth are strong, so they can enjoy their food. They sleep soundly. Their faculties are intact and the world is fun and exciting to them, so they get deluded in a big way. For the old ones, when they chew on something hard they’re soon in pain. [...] When they open their eyes their sight is fuzzy. In the morning their backs ache. In the evening their legs hurt. That’s it! This is really an excellent subject to study. Some of you older people will say you can’t meditate. What do you want to meditate on? Who will you learn meditation from? This is seeing the body in the body and sensation in sensation. Are you seeing these or are you running away? Saying you can’t practice because you’re too old is only due to wrong understanding. The question is, are things clear to you? Elderly persons have a lot of thinking, a lot of sensation, a lot of discomfort and pain. Everything appears! If they meditate, they can really testify to it. So I say that meditation is easy for old folks. They can do it best. [...] You have to see it within yourself. When you sit, it’s true; when you stand up, it’s true; when you walk, it’s true. Everything is a hassle, everything is presenting obstacles – and everything is teaching you. Isn’t this so? Can you just get up and walk away so easily now? When you stand up, it’s “Oy!” Or haven’t you noticed? And it’s “Oy!” when you walk. It’s prodding you. When you’re young you can just stand up and walk, going on your way. But you don’t really know anything. When you’re old, every time you stand up it’s “Oy!” Isn’t that what you say? “Oy! Oy!” Every time you move, you learn something. So how can you say it’s difficult to meditate? Where else is there to look? It’s all correct. 

So now, you have no excuse!

Time Is Not the Problem

Whenever I say I did not have time to meditate today, that is not true. Rather, it is that I did not use my time wisely. If I pay careful attention, and I add up all the minutes I spend each day on Twitter, Facebook, the Huffington Post, and late night TV, I come close to one hour at least, which is a good amount of time that could have been spent on mindfulness practice.

Apparently, I am not as bad as most . . . A survey earlier this year shows that the average time spent online is 6 hours, out of which 2 are spent on social media and microblogging. This is insane. We are spending almost one full day out of our week idling away on the phone or the computer. Not only is it valuable time that could be spent otherwise, starting with mindfulness practice, but the activity itself of constant checking for the latest updates does not give the mind any chance to rest in between necessary daily activities.

I do not have yet a solution, for I am as addicted as anyone else. I just want to put it out there, in an effort to start becoming more aware, and reclaim precious mind. 

6 Ways to Be With the Breath

Listening to one of Ayya Khema's many excellent recordings, I was reminded that there is not one but at least six different ways of being with the breath during awareness of breath sitting practice. Here they are:

1) Counting:

In your head, count one on the in-breath, one of the out-breath, and repeat until you get to ten. Then start over . . . Any time a distracting thought interrupts, or you loose track, just go back to one.

2) Word:

If you don't like numbers, use one word, the same one on each in-breath and each out-breath. You can use the word 'peace' for instance, or any other that works for you. 

3) Image:

If you have visual mind, imagine the breath coming in and out as an ocean wave or a cloud. When coming in with the breath, the wave gets smaller. As it goes out,  it gets bigger.

4) Sensations:

Pay attention to the sensation of the wind of breath on the nostrils, or the throat, or the lung. Follow the breath in, follow the breath out. Make sure to continue to stay with sensations in the body. 

5) Phases:

If practiced already, you can notice beginning, middle, and end of each breath. 

6) Contemplation:

If you cannot work with the breath, look at the impermanence of each breath, the constant coming and going. 

My practice of choice is the sensation approach, focusing on the physical experiencing of breath making its way through and out of the body. I have found focusing on the larger sensations such as the rising and falling of the belly much easier to do than let's say honing on the sensations in the nostrils. 

Find the one that works best for you, and stick to it!

Half Empty and Half Full

What do you see?

Conventional wisdom urges us to focus on the full half. After much contemplation, I am arriving at a slightly different viewpoint:

To not gloss over the empty half.
To fully acknowledge it,
but not let the mind linger too long.
Then, take a step back
and challenge oneself to also see
the other half, no matter how hard
it may be. Because there is always
a full half. Two halves, and a dance
to be held with complete awareness.

Another Invitation to Love

Grief as I felt it this afternoon was of the more subtle kind. Nobody had died. Instead, I had been reminded of a painful bond, a loss not clearly visible to the outside world, but very real nevertheless. Heart aching still, I got to see up close again, the suffering that comes when love gets thrown back onto itself, with no one to respond at the other end. This is where mindfulness practice is put to the test. Mindfulness helps one to not wallow in self-pity and despair. Instead, one can investigate the full impact of hanging on to the idea of love on one's own terms. One can feel the physical pain from grasping, and make the connection with ancient wisdom. 

Every time I fall into that place, I feel compelled to revisit Ayya Khema's Metta talk. And each time, I come up with another treasure. 

There are six billion of us, so why diminish ourselves to one, two, or three? And not only that, the whole problem lies in the fact that because it is attachment, we've got to *keep* those one, two, or three in order to experience any kind of love. We are afraid to lose them: to lose them through death, through change of mind, to leaving home, to whatever change happens. And that fear discolors our love to the point where it can no longer be pure, because it is hanging on.

Grief begs us to listen to the suffering within, and to slowly let go of the cause. Life is too short to waste one more moment in self-inflicted misery. True love is limitless and independent of external conditions.

5 Contemplations For Dementia Care Partners

Sooner or later, during one's mindful journey, one becomes faced with a wall. One has a choice then. To keep bumping one's head against the inevitable, or to stop and contemplate the very nature of the wall itself. The wall is about the impermanence of life, and our need to face that truth. Many times, whenever grief wells up inside, as it did earlier today, I call upon the 5 Remembrances:

I am of the nature to grow old.

I cannot escape growing old.

I am of the nature to have ill health.

I cannot escape having ill health.

I am of the nature to die.

There is no way to escape death.

All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change.

There is no way to escape being separated from them. 

I inherit the nature of my actions in body, speech and mind.

My actions are the ground on which I stand.

Strangely enough, I find great comfort in telling myself those lines. It is as if the telling is paving the way for acceptance of what is to come, or what has already happened.  During my work with those in the early stage of cognitive impairment and also with dementia caregivers, I have learned to tailor the 5 Remembrances to more specifically address the unique challenges of the dementia journey. It goes like this:

I am of the nature to grow old.

I cannot escape growing old.

I am of the nature to have ill health of body and/or mind.

I cannot escape having ill health of either body and/or mind.

I am of the nature to die.

There is no way to escape death.

All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change.

There is no way to escape being separated from them, in either body or mind.

There is no avoiding making mistakes.

I am doing the best I can and I hold myself with compassion.

May you contemplate those words often. And may you find comfort in them. 

Mindful Presence to Ease the Dementia Journey

(cross-post from Huffington Post)

Imagine a marathon you did not sign up for, and yet, you are told you have to run the race until the end. To add to the challenge, you are to carry a heavy load on your shoulders, and the load will get heavier and heavier as the race goes on. This is what the dementia journey is like for most family caregivers... Keeping with the marathon metaphor, what is needed is a way for caregivers to develop the strength that will be required of them over the long run. The Presence Care program is a new, integrative approach that combines mindfulness and compassion practices with understanding of the dementia experience. Its goals are to ease care burden and stress, and to help foster greater well-being for both caregivers and the persons in their care. It goes like this:

1. Understand dementia.

The more we can learn about the disease, the better equipped we are to understand what the person needs and why they are behaving in certain ways. Dementia affects different parts of the brain, each responsible for different cognitive domains such as memory, language, behavior, executive function, or movement. Not all dementias affect the same domains, and we need to know which ones are impacted and what that means in terms of the person's interactions with us. For instance someone struggling with executive function will have trouble initiating tasks and will be dependent on others to get engaged into activities. We also need to guard from our tendency to position the person with dementia as less able than they really are. Many abilities are preserved throughout dementia. In many cases, emotional intelligence is even heightened.

2. Practice mindfulness.

Using Jon Kabat-Zinn's definition, mindfulness is being fully aware of the present moment, on purpose, and without judgment. The validity of mindfulness as a powerful stress-reduction tool is no longer in question. That benefit alone makes it worthwhile for stressed out dementia caregivers to undertake mindfulness practice. The other, equally important reason has to do with the way in which mindful attention allows us to notice what is happening moment to moment, that may impact the person's experience. What do we bring into the situation? What do we hear? What do we see? What is the person telling us with her body language? Armed with that awareness, we then have a chance to act in a way that is most beneficial to the person. Of course, remembering to be mindful does not come naturally. We need to train our mind to come back to the present moment. This is done by setting time aside to practice every day. Even only five minutes of sitting and paying attention to the breath can make a big difference.

3. Respond with compassion.

Compassionate care is a natural outcome of mindfulness practice. In the mindful noticing of stress for the other person lies the seed for our compassionate response. I worked once with an elder man with Parkinson's who was moved to tears once his wife learned to model her steps after his. It took them both a good ten minutes to walk the twenty feet from my office to their car. Mindful "pacing with" is a wonderful practice that helps us shift from trying to get somewhere fast to becoming fully present for ourselves and the other person, while walking together. Such walking is an example of compassionate response.

I would like to end with a note on self-compassion. With greater awareness and deeper understanding of the person's needs often comes the painful realization of our own inadequacies, and of times before when we may have unintentionally hurt the person in our care. We address this by giving ourselves frequent self-compassion breaks, a practice developed by Kristin Neff. First, we recognize the suffering in our heart: "This is painful." Then we see that suffering as a part of the human condition: "We all struggle in our lives." Third, we extend kindness to ourselves: "May I forgive myself." The dementia care journey is an ongoing adult education in mindfulness and love. If we learn to view every one of our dementia care experiences as just that, we will do ourselves a great service, and we will be more free to give the person what they need.

Mindfulness Haiku

For the first time
Warm breath against upper lip
Feeling the sweetness.

Such awesome delight
Never to be missed again
What was I thinking?

Is It Mindfulness or Meditation?

I get asked that question a lot, and the answer is, yes, and . . .

Yes, mindfulness is a form of meditation practice. Other names for such meditation are insight and Vipassana. Mindfulness was popularized thirty years ago by Jon Kabat-Zinn with his Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction. The genius of Jon Kabat-Zinn has been to make this ancient form of meditation accessible to the mainstream. Mindfulness meditation is now taught in a wide range of settings including hospitals, clinics, schools, prisons, businesses, and other venues all other the U.S. and the rest of the world. It is the form of meditation that has been the subject of much attention from neuroscience research. It is the practice I teach in my Mindfulness-Based Dementia Care and other mindfulness-based programs for caregivers. Mindfulness as commonly taught these days, draws its roots from the most ancient tradition of Buddhism know as Theravada. It has been stripped of all its religious context, and only the methods for de-stressing the brain have been kept, thereby making it accessible to all, independent of their religious orientation. It is important to stress that contemporary mindfulness practice is completely agnostic. 

Other forms of meditation include zen, Tibetan, transcendental meditation (TM), Christian centering prayer, Sufism, and yoga meditation. 

Playing with Concentration and Insight

Inspired by Gil Fronsdal's recent talk on concentration, I digged deeper into the interplay between the two practices of concentration and insight. And came across, The Path of Concentration and Mindfulness, a very helpful article by Thanissaro Bhikkhu on his website. 

Both teachers emphasize the same thing, that concentration and insight cannot be separated, but rather work in concert. This is certainly what I have experienced in my practice:

We start with the intention of concentrating on a chosen object, most commonly the breath or the body. This becomes our frame of reference. Of course, for most of us, the mind does not stay still. Instead, it wants to wander. Hindrances become more obvious. We keep working on bringing back our attention to the breath, and in the process we get to clearly see the arising and passing of hindering thoughts:

What you need at this stage is a fixed point of reference for evaluating the events in the mind, just as when you're trying to gauge the motion of clouds through the sky: You need to choose a fixed point — like a roof gable or a light pole — at which to stare so that you can get a sense of which direction and how fast the clouds are moving. The same with the coming and going of sensual desire, ill will, etc., in the mind: You have to try to maintain a fixed reference point for the mind — like the breath — if you want to be really sensitive to when there are hindrances in the mind — getting in the way of your reference point — and when there are not.

Sometimes, and that was Gil's point during his talk, we are in such a state a mind, that we cannot even make it past the first couple of breaths. The mind is too unsettled and riddled with hindrances. The temptation may be great to abandon sitting altogether. That would be the wrong approach to meditation. Instead, we can make the hindrance the object of our meditation:

Suppose that anger is interfering with your concentration. Instead of getting involved in the anger, you try simply to be aware of when it's there and when it's not. You look at the anger as an event in and of itself — as it comes, as it goes. But you don't stop there. The next step — as you're still working at focusing on the breath — is recognizing how anger can be made to go away. Sometimes simply watching it is enough to make it go away; sometimes it's not, and you have to deal with it in other ways, such as arguing with the reasoning behind the anger or reminding yourself of the drawbacks of anger. In the course of dealing with it, you have to get your hands dirty. You've got to try and figure out why the anger is coming, why it's going, how you can get it out of there, because you realize that it's an unskillful state. And this requires that you improvise. Experiment. You've got to chase your ego and impatience out of the way so that you can have the space to make mistakes and learn from them, so that you can develop a skill in dealing with the anger. It's not just a question of hating the anger and trying to push it away, or of loving the anger and welcoming it.

We shift our attention to the business of setting aside the hindrance. This may be our whole meditation and it can go on for one day, one month, one year or more . . . Still, every time, we start with the breath or the body. Once we have purified our mind enough, then and only then, can we go back to working on truly concentrating on the breath. We want to pursue this lofty goal because a wisely concentrated mind gives us the chance of experiencing a stress-free state, independent of outer conditions. We are developing the inner happiness habit.

This is what happens for most people . . . There is the case also of persons for whom reaching deep concentration for a long time is possible right away. Gil cautioned against getting mistaken by such phenomenon, for it may be that we have learned to dissociate early on in our life, as an adaptive mechanism to traumatic circumstances for instance. Such people may be able to transfer that skill into their meditation practice, and literally cut themselves off from themselves. They are not able to integrate the transient freedom from concentrated states into their lives, and are therefore unable to gain insights into the trappings within their own mind. Their lives remain unchanged, and the opportunity for acquired wisdom and true inner happiness are missed altogether.

Past, Present, Future, and Mindfulness

Re-reading Thanissaro Bhikkhu's excellent book, The Wings of Awakening,  I stopped at page ten. There, the teacher gives a clear expose of this/that conditionality, and of how it gets played out moment to moment in our lives. This is a notion well-worth pondering and understanding, as it is the glue that links together past thoughts (and actions) with our present moment experience and also future states. Sitting still now, I not only experience what is happening in the moment, but also the consequences from past thoughts, actions, words that keep on reverberating in my mind, in often times mysterious ways. This is why despite all our intentions to meditate and experience peace, we often find our mind hindered by automatic thoughts related to the past.

How we relate to the present moment may, if it creates strong enough of an impression, impact our future. That impact may come in the form of lingering thoughts or emotions, or outside consequences from our environment. It can go both ways, positively or negatively, depending on the nature of our meeting with the moment. We also have some (limited) power regarding how we mediate the outcome of past experiences in the present moment. This in a nutshell, is my take away from Thanissaro Bhikkhu's explanation.

Of course, what is done is done, and the only freedom we have regarding our past deeds, is in how we meet their outcome, both inner and outer. Do we linger in guilt and self-hate? Or do we use our past unskillfulness as a mean to feeling more compassion towards others, and even more importantly ourselves? Do we use our mistakes as a reminder to practice mindfulness, which we know is the best safeguard against such unfortunate events? Do we surrender to the reality of our very human fallibility? Can we relax around gnawing thoughts, and embrace them with all the loving kindness we can find in our heart?

Screwing up is acceptable as long as we learn from it . . . How do you learn from the past?

I inherit the nature of my actions in body, speech and mind. 

My actions are the ground on which I stand. 
(Buddha's Fourth Remembrance)

Love For Dummies

I caught myself withholding love at the Whole Foods checkout. Right there, in between the bag of carrots and my favorite chocolate, I noticed my mind whispering, "she's not in the to-be-loved category, don't bother". The young woman taking care of my groceries happened to be a stranger, and there was not enough love in my heart for her, or at least my mind thought so. Love needed to be saved for those few deemed special people in my life. Of course, such thought is a product of the deluded, ordinary mind.

Learning to love starts with paying attention to such moments when we deny ourselves the possibility of loving another, whoever that may be. We see the mind's intervention and its effect on the closing of the heart. If we have more time to dwell, we also get a chance to feel the pain involved for ourselves. Heart closing, equals constriction, equals stress. The first time I got a chance to find this out for myself, literally blew my mind away, and I started to truly understand love. From understanding love to actually loving, lies a big stretch, a path made up of trials and errors, and bumping against the limitations of the mind-created self. It takes time for the self to let go of its hangups, and only sustained mindfulness can chip away at the heart's tendencies to close itself. 

Whenever I contemplate love, Ayya Khema's talk about 'Metta' [unconditional love] comes up, and I need to take yet another look at her wise words. Here we go:

There are six billion of us, so why diminish ourselves to one, two, or three? 

Once we understand that everybody can be the object of our love, not just our family and friends, the love possibilities are endless, and we can approach our life with a renewed sense of ease and boldness. No need to worry any longer. The Whole Foods clerk is as worthy of love as my children, that is the truth. The whole world can become a love fest, if we allow it.

The whole problem lies in the fact that because it is attachment, we've got to *keep* those one, two, or three in order to experience any kind of love. We are afraid to lose them: to lose them through death, through change of mind, to leaving home, to whatever change happens. And that fear discolors our love to the point where it can no longer be pure, because it is hanging on.

Indeed, not only do we have to put all our love in one basket, we also place it under extreme, unrealistic conditions. This is where grief comes in, grief of our idea of what love should be as enacted in a particular relationship. Hanging on to my mom's life last year, hanging on to the closeness once experienced with my children when they were younger, hanging to expectations about what my relationship with my husband should be in my mind, hanging on . . . Keeping the heart open without any strings attached is not easy. And yet, that is what is called for in this journey towards love.

The loving quality of the heart remains with us whether there's anybody in front of us that we can actually extend that love to or not. 

Yet another revelation that I am still taking in . . . Understanding that love is within me, not outside. Love is not to be gotten from anyone, but rather found inside the heart and offered to others. This turning of love on its head has given me a great sense of security. The garden of love is always there ready for me to wander in, at anytime, within my heart. It may be overcome by weeds at times, but still, the potential is there, and the beautiful flowers are never far beneath.

That quality of the heart needs to be cultivated.

Love doesn't just happens. In keeping with the garden metaphor, love is a quality we need to uncover, and then cultivate. I have found the best way to cultivate love is to notice the times when it is not present, as with the Whole Foods clerk. When prickly weeds overtake the garden, we can experience what it feels like in our heart. Indifference, pettiness, grudges, hate, anger, opinions, projections are some of the ways that we denies ourselves the possibility of love. 

That decision [to love or not] is made in the mind; it's not made in the heart -- all decisions are made in the mind.

We feel what we think. Thanks to mindfulness practice, we get to see up close the way the mind influences the actions of the heart. Thoughts in our mind are what closes or opens the heart. And we know from practice, that thoughts can be replaced at will. Once we know our thoughts, and we see the connection with the heart's actions, we are empowered to act, either towards love or its opposite. It is of course not so simple! There are a few people in my past and current life whom I know I do not love, and for whom, 'I' is not ready to relinquish its unloving thoughts towards them. We need to be patient with the 'I' in ourselves that is attached to such thoughts. Like any other mind fabrication, we can turn it into the object of our investigation and see where it goes . . . 

Another important step is seeing, not only that we share everything, but also that our own difficulties need to be treated with compassion. Not with the idea, "I should have known better, I could do better, or somebody else has done it to me." Just compassion. Compassion is a very important entry into love. 

We need to accept our human imperfections. We are bound to screw up, and rather than flagellating ourselves for our mistakes, we are to see them as part of the course. Not too long ago, I found myself uttering words of hate about someone, and it's taken me a while to reconcile with what had happened that day. I went from disgust for myself, to contemplation, and wanting to learn the lesson from that experience. With every overgrown weed in our heart, we run the risk of wrong speech and all its unfortunate consequences. From that incident, I came out with even more appreciation for the need to cultivate love within. That person who did me and many others harm is an invitation to be even more mindful and intent on loving. 

Every situation in life which doesn't work out the way it should have done is nothing but another learning experience. That's what this adult education class is all about, nothing else. That's what we're here for. 

I like the idea of  our life as an adult education class on love. We are all students in the matter. And as it turns out, the curriculum is not that difficult to understand. The challenge is in our willingness to do the homework, day after day, moment to moment, viewing each one of our interactions as another opportunity to practice.

15 Mindfulness Resolutions for 2014

'Tis time to reflect on this almost past year, and to put out intentions for the soon to be new year. The old informs the not yet born, and the awareness of time passing brings a sense of urgency, to be wiser, kinder, and even more mindful . . .

Here is what I wish for this New Year:

To make my sitting practice a daily priority.

To spend less time being social with strangers, online.

To think twice before acting on the heart's closings.

To not expect too much, and be grateful for what is.

To make room for the unavoidable unpleasantness.

To not cling to pleasant things, people, or moments.

To have compassion for my imperfections, and those of others.

To uproot the hindrances, especially fear and anger.

To view each social interaction as an opportunity to learn.

To play catch with thoughts and chase away the impure ones.

To move more slowly and more deliberately in the world.

To be more with nature, and people, and less in my head.

To rest in the breath often throughout the days.

To walk each step, thankful  for the earth beneath.

To practice loving kindness often, and forgive myself when I forget . . .

What are your intentions for 2014?

Mindfulness, Memory, and Wisdom

Ayya Khema talks about this life as an ongoing adult education course. The main topic of the class is wisdom, of course. Many times, I find myself faced with a situation where mindfulness offers the possibility of choice. This way, or that one. Usually, the most immediate impulse is not the most advisable one. Underlying tendencies die hard, and always raise their heads when emotions are involved. This is particularly true for primary relationships. But if one has developed enough insight, the mind does not give way to such impulses. Instead, the memory of prior similar times with the same person or a different one, provides scenarios ripe for contemplation. 

Twenty years ago, when I did not know about the hindrances and their way of overtaking the heart, I let anger sever a precious bond, and a very sad story unfolded in the aftermath. Twenty years later, I am still feeling the effects of my decision. I also have a chance to not repeat the past, this time with a different partner. Whenever  I find myself triggered, I now have mindfulness to rest on, and the wisdom to choose not to react to the outer trigger. The urge to love has also become greater than the iron hotness of anger. Every night, I dwell in the garden of my heart, and I survey the situation. First, noticing the weeds, a resentment, some fear, greed, whatever they may be, I know better than to let them overtake the beautiful flowers which I know to be there. I give it a try. Pulling out the weeds sometimes takes for than one try. Those things have a way of digging deep, fast, and it may take days, weeks, months, before I can enjoy the peace and love again. 

The ability to remember is key to this whole process. Without memory, the mind cannot learn nor make the leap of inference from one past event to the present moment. Science tells us this about episodic memory:

Episodic or implicit memory is the memory of an event or “episode”. [...] Episodic memory can be thought of as a process with several different steps, each of which relies on a separate system of the brain. The initial step in forming this type of memory is called encoding. Encoding is necessary for the acquisition of new factual knowledge. [...] The step by which the information is accessed and brought back into consciousness is called retrieval. [...] Research and clinical experience suggest that information is not simply stored and retrieved, and that there may be an intermediate step in this process, which we call consolidation. Consolidation is the process by which recently learned information becomes more strongly represented in the brain.

This morning, feeling grateful for the gifts of mindfulness, memory, and wisdom. 

6 Life Lessons From Ones With Dementia

I spent Thanksgiving Day in the dementia care community where I work. Throughout the day, I got reminders about what matters in life, and what doesn't. Take a guess, then read on . . . 

Mind

Few of us pause to appreciate the beauty of our human mind. Not until we are brought face to face with the reality of a mind stripped of some of its essential functions, do we become grateful for what we have 'up there'. The ability to comprehend and make sense of things, to speak and be understood, to make decisions, to have sound judgment, to move, to have emotions, to control them, to remember what just happened, to orient ourselves visually and spatially . . . So many things we owe to the healthy mind! Every day, I marvel at my mind's ability to function so well. And I also ready myself for the eventuality of it failing some day. Not getting attached, even to the mind itself, that which makes mindfulness possible.

Body

The body that once felt eternal, has a way of betraying the very old and the ones with dementia. One by one, systems start failing. Vision, hearing are usually first. Then the legs give way, and a series of assistive devices take over. The cane, then the walker, then the wheelchair, then the reclining chair when even sitting becomes too hard . . . Pretty soon, it is the arms and hands’ turn to go limp. Bodily functions follow, that can no longer be controlled. And close to the end, even swallowing becomes a challenge. Then heart, and breath. The body, just like the mind is a wonderfully engineered machinery programmed from the start for obsolescence. While it works, we tend to treat it with nonchalance. Seeing what happens eventually serves as a powerful reminder to appreciate this body while it is still working, and to also not cling to it too much. It cannot be trusted, just like the mind.

Success

Lawyer, judge, inventor, entrepreneur, surgeon, artist, psychologist, writer . . . they made a mark in society, and had the good fortune of having success, lots of it. Now, there is hardly a trace left of their previous life, apart from fading pictures of past glorious moments, and here and there respectful references to ‘Doctor this', 'Doctor that’. Time and the inability to hang on to memories have a way of erasing what once seemed so important. The world moves on, and the young take over. Seeing this process can help us not fall into the trappings of success, and conversely, failure. No need to get too excited one way or the other. 

Money

It does not matter how much money we make or have. Eventually, we all end up without the ability to enjoy or miss those things we used to cling to. This is not to say we should not plan for the future and make sure we have a comfortable home. It just means we will eventually have to let go of all our ‘things’. Those material possessions are not what matters in the end. Very few of the people I spend time with, talk about what they used to own . . . And the ones who do, all do let go in the later stages of their illness. My mother was one of those people. 

Relationships

Nothing’s for sure, including those close relationships we take for granted. Loved ones upon whom we may have counted for comfort in our old days, those people may die on us, or have a change of heart. The old man who believes that his daughter has died is not far from the truth. His daughter is still very much alive, but she has not visited or called him in years . . . And the woman who thought her husband would be there for her, is now a widow wondering where her beloved has gone. Relationships with those we love and who love us are to be treasured. And we need to expand our circle of love to not just our family and friends, but also anyone with whom we can have a meaningful connection, even if for only a moment. 

Self

This thing we call ‘I’ is not worth getting so preoccupied with. If we live long enough, that too will be chipped away, until we no longer have a sense of identity. The glue that kept our story going will have dried up, and now there will only be a vague sense of existence, and remnants from past habits, that’s all. Yet, most of us spend so much of our lives thinking, acting based on this concept of ‘I’, ‘Me’, and ‘You’. We worry so much about what happened to 'I' in the past, and what is going to happen to it in the future. Our carefully constructed identity is indeed just a story with a beginning, middle and end. For many of us that story will end way before our final years, and in its place will be a void waiting to be filled with new meaning, new ways of occupying ourselves, right there, right now.

What life lesson(s) if any have you learned from being around persons with dementia?

12 Reasons to Startup With Mindfulness

I have been most grateful for the many ways in which mindfulness practice has sustained me in my journey as a startup entrepreneur. For those of you on a similar journey, here are 12 reasons why you might want to consider taking up mindfulness. 

Mindfulness, commonly known as the practice of present moment attention, also encompasses the cultivation of other qualities which happen to be essential for entrepreneurship. Here they are, in no particular order:

Mindfulness

Paying attention to the big picture and small details that can do you in 

Persistence

To overcome inevitable challenges, disappointments, obstacles, setbacks.

Effort 

Not being afraid to give of oneself completely, hard work.

Desire

Passion and love for the cause.

Faith 

In outcome, process, and more importantly, one's ability.

Non attachment

Particularly to one's views when it is clear that another course of action is required. And also, the outcome. 

Loving kindness

First for oneself, then others. This does not mean being meek . . . 

Concentration

Being focused on the work to be done.

Discernment 

Guarding from hasty decisions and taking the time to sort things out. 

Equanimity

Not being fazed by all the things that go wrong - they will go wrong!

Not self

Getting one's ego out of the way. Instead doing what is required by the work and circumstances.

Friendships

Most importantly, picking partners, mentors, friends wisely. 

What else would you add to the list? 

Labeling and Counting

Whenever my mind is in too much turmoil to easily settle, I rely on the following two techniques:

1. First is labeling:

It can be as simple as recognizing the arising of a thought disturbance. Or if the awareness is so inclined, it can get a bit more specific: worrying, obsessing, work, boredom, aversion, escaping . . . The labeling helps one take one step back from the content of the thought itself, into the larger awareness of mind activity.

2. Second, is counting:

Breath, steps, whatever the object of our attention, as long as it is repetitive, we can use counting as a way to keep our awareness on its intended object. I have learned to count from one to ten, starting over after number ten is reached. If the mind strays in the middle of the sequence, one is to start over from one again. I try to keep it simple and natural. Letting each number fall wherever it wants within each breath, each step.

How do you help your mind?

A Love Practice

With mindfulness practice, one becomes more and more convinced of the impracticality of not harboring love in one's heart. Conditional love, ill will, anger, hate all contribute to unhappiness. And all are self-created. Upon close examination, it simply does not make sense to let those fester inside. Life is too short. Not a single moment to be wasted. That is the good news. 

Of course, abandoning old ways is not so easy. A lifelong of bad mind habits cannot be undone that quickly. The mind hangs on to self-righteous thoughts. It keeps coming back with the same old, same resentments, same separating views. It does not take much for the heart to follow, with a tightening, a closing of the half-open door. Chaos usually ensues, and more misery. That is the challenge.

This week, I had a chance to see resentment build to a point of seemingly no return. For a few days, mind and heart did their dance, hesitating between further justification or the possibility of release. It took stepping back, and resting on the foundation of practice to decide on the latter. It came down to a willingness to love above all. I found the heart deep down yearning for this clearing. 

I am most thankful for the unwitting teacher in my life, the mirror I sometimes push away because of its unflattering reflections. Ayya Khema is my other helper on the path of love. In those moments, when I am not so sure, her words are always there, ready for my picking:

The love has to come from our heart. So if there is no love for ourselves, no understanding for our own difficulties, how can we love another? We always think we do, but it is the kind of love that demands something. It wants something back. Maybe it doesn't even want love back, but it wants something back. It wants the right kind of attitude from the other person, the right kind of behavior, the right kind of being together -- there's some demand being made. As long as we're demanding something -- be it ever so subtle -- so long our love cannot be pure. Love can only be pure if it's given without any payment. 

And this:

Our work on the purification of our heart lies in our daily encounters with anyone, particularly human beings. It's not so difficult to love a little bird that has by mistake strayed into our room and we're trying to get him out again, poor little bird, nice little bird. But somebody who has strayed in our room and wants to sit there and talk while we're sleepy, well, there needs to be a little more determination to love that one. It's human beings that we need to work with. All of us have that opportunity constantly, and there's no excuse not to do it, because this is actually what our life is all about. It's an adult education class.

And that:

The heart just has to love; it doesn't have to discriminate. And when we can see the difference between the usual judgments and just loving -- not discriminating -- we have taken a very important step.