Past, Present, Future, and Mindfulness

Re-reading Thanissaro Bhikkhu's excellent book, The Wings of Awakening,  I stopped at page ten. There, the teacher gives a clear expose of this/that conditionality, and of how it gets played out moment to moment in our lives. This is a notion well-worth pondering and understanding, as it is the glue that links together past thoughts (and actions) with our present moment experience and also future states. Sitting still now, I not only experience what is happening in the moment, but also the consequences from past thoughts, actions, words that keep on reverberating in my mind, in often times mysterious ways. This is why despite all our intentions to meditate and experience peace, we often find our mind hindered by automatic thoughts related to the past.

How we relate to the present moment may, if it creates strong enough of an impression, impact our future. That impact may come in the form of lingering thoughts or emotions, or outside consequences from our environment. It can go both ways, positively or negatively, depending on the nature of our meeting with the moment. We also have some (limited) power regarding how we mediate the outcome of past experiences in the present moment. This in a nutshell, is my take away from Thanissaro Bhikkhu's explanation.

Of course, what is done is done, and the only freedom we have regarding our past deeds, is in how we meet their outcome, both inner and outer. Do we linger in guilt and self-hate? Or do we use our past unskillfulness as a mean to feeling more compassion towards others, and even more importantly ourselves? Do we use our mistakes as a reminder to practice mindfulness, which we know is the best safeguard against such unfortunate events? Do we surrender to the reality of our very human fallibility? Can we relax around gnawing thoughts, and embrace them with all the loving kindness we can find in our heart?

Screwing up is acceptable as long as we learn from it . . . How do you learn from the past?

I inherit the nature of my actions in body, speech and mind. 

My actions are the ground on which I stand. 
(Buddha's Fourth Remembrance)

A Toxic Place

One does not always have a choice. Sometimes, one ends up in a toxic environment, and the question arises of what to do from a mindful, compassionate place?

I asked my fellow tweeters:

other than need to exit, what is there to learn from being in a toxic environment?

And got the following answers:

@FullContactTMcG I learned compassion from sitting in my formerly toxic environment. For self and other... Then I left that relationship

@blkwriter the ability to hang in there if need be

@kabzj radical responsibility?

@JDProuty not much to learn in toxic environments but a good place to teach

                    toxic environments ~ toughest test of mindfulness ~ teach by example

@debraZERO I have found my voice, I don't want to suffer w/them. It's okay to be happy.

@Digitt one can learn the ability to transform negative energy into positive.

              just a state of mind. A shift in perception and standing in your power.

That's a lot of wisdom, right there.

For myself, I have found toxic environments to be useful up to a point. Useful tests of one's wisdom, kindness, compassion, and non reactivity. This fear I feel, whose is it? Of course, mine always, in the end. How about the anger? Same thing, a reaction from 'I' to difficult outer circumstances, and people. Intellectually, I could see that it was my choice to let the toxic brew seep in, or not. And at the same time, I found mindfulness can only go so far. At some point, one needs to leave. Some personalities, some situations are real pollutants for the mind, and the heart. 

“I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.” 

~ Mahatma Gandhi ~

Then the real work begins, of purifying one's mind from the unwholesome thoughts that may linger after one has left the actual place, or person. Owning one's propensity to dukkha, and investigating the effect on one's happiness. Replacing the anger with loving kindness. 'May he be at peace, may he be well.' And 'May I be at peace, may I be well.'

A Very Angry Man

"soon, swimming #meditation at the Y - just being with experience of body moving through water, lap after lap after lap"

My swim started just as I had tweeted. Nothing like a fast swim to ground one in the present, registering the deafening noise of body kicking and slapping the water, being aware of taking in air in between strokes, and being with the subtle pain from back and shoulders stretching, stretching . . . meanwhile keeping track of the number of laps. 

Then, in the midst of  a turn, a sharp pain at the right ankle that brought me to an immediate stop. A big man had grabbed me forcefully, and was shouting at me that I did not know the rules, and that I should have stopped for him as he entered the lane. I recognized him from another similar interaction two years ago, and I reacted with a firm "You are so rude! You cannot do this." The man continued with his angry rant, and aggressive gestures. I remained calm, and was comforted by the rally of support from fellow swimmers and the lifeguard. I was told "This is not his first time. He is a very angry man. He's done the same thing with other people." I moved to the next lane, and resumed swimming. 

The energy of the interaction was still with me. I realized I was not done with my aggressor. Being mindful does not mean turning the other cheek. It means, standing for what is right, and in this case, taking measures so he would no longer spoil the safe sanctuary of the Y pool. Still swimming, I started to plot filing a report. A crowd assembled as  I wrote down my complaint by the side of the pool. The man was watching from behind his goggles. I looked at him 'in the eyes', and in silence wished him to find peace. 

Now, I have to be careful. To not fall into self-righteousness, and the illusion that I am so much better than 'him'. 

Speaking for the Silent Ones

The man was sitting all by himself in a waiting room in a hospital. I happened to walk by and noticed he did not look well. I went to fetch the doctor in the next room. The doctor quickly checked on the man, who asked for a bedpan. The doctor left, and I assumed he had gone to get what the man asked. Minutes passed, and no sign of the doctor. I sat by the man who was now looking worse and worse, and no longer spoke. I reached out for his hand, and was surprised when he squeezed my hand. I wondered how to get him the help he so badly needed.

This was my dream last night. I awoke with pain in my heart, and even greater determination to carry out the elder care and dementia project I have been working on with Dr. Allen Power. Foremost in my mind have been all the men and women living with dementia and who can no longer care for themselves or be cared for by their loved ones. My mother is one of them. I feel their immense distress, and also the craziness of a system that compounds their original plight with unnecessary added suffering. There is a better way, I know, and it demands a complete overhaul of the current biomedical approach. Out the drugs, out the institutional buildings, out the task oriented approach to care, out the erroneous beliefs, out the legitimized abuse, out this cruelty of epic proportions . . . 

Mindfulness is a radical act. It leads one to unplanned territories, as in becoming aware of the suffering right under one's eyes, and then taking action towards some mass remedy. I have been thinking a lot lately about engaged Buddhism, and what it means for me personally. Once hesitant to join the bandwagon of activism, I am now right in the thick of it. I have found my cause, and will not rest until my mother and her cohort of silent sufferers get their needs met, at last. 

What is your cause? How did you open your eyes to it? How does it tie in with your mindfulness practice?

The Will to Love

The Dalai Lama makes a big deal of kindness:

"My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness."

I agree with him, kindness, love, whatever you call it, is the supreme human quality, that which makes live worth living. 

Next comes the question, of how to be kind? Before I knew better, I used to think of love as a random occurence. Sometimes I felt moved to love, sometimes the opposite happened. In it stead, came hate, or indifference. Some people I found easy to love, others I called a pain, or downright nasty. The conditions had to be right . . . 

Now, I have changed my view, and I have come to the conclusion that love is an act of will, to be exercised moment to moment. Paying attention to the mind's constant stirrings, I catch myself often with a thought that could take me down an unwanted path, if I let it. Just one thought in the privacy of my mind, that's baiting me to move away, divide, judge, react, distrust . . . Just one thought begging to be said out loud, and do permanent damage, to myself and others . . . Just one thought with the potential to be acted out, down the line . . . Just one thought . . .

From having gone down the unwanted path, many times before, and watching others do the same, I have learned a big lesson. Left unchecked, a single unloving thought can create havoc in its wake. Words, said hastily, and leaving permanent wounds or grudges. Wrong actions, whose karmic effects can be felt for years, and sometimes one's entire life. So much unnecessary suffering, starting with just one little thought!

Of course, even with the best of intentions, there are moments still, when a careless word slips out too fast, or a wrongful deed takes place, and I am left with remorse, and the humbling reflections of my very imperfect human nature. A dangerous space where self-loathing lurks . . . A time to practice patience, and self-acceptance. An opportunity to open the heart, and apologize. A necessary step along the way of understanding and love. The more I feel the sting of my misdeeds, the more vigilant and willing I become to guard against the untamed mind.

On the receiving end also, lie plenty of opportunities to practice. Forgiving others for their own imperfections, particularly those without a vantage point from which to assess their thoughts. They are letting their unruly mind rule their lives. There is much compassion to be had there.