Images Over Thoughts

Letting images jump out of old magazines. No thinking. Only tearing and taping . . . 

I am a big fan of self-collages where the unconscious gets to show itself.  And I know better than to fall into the temptation of interpretation!

Beyond the Inner Prison

Something had to be done. I could no longer bear the anxiety inside. I did what I usually do in such situation: a collage. 

The images jumped at me, quick. A men's prison, an anxious looking woman, her black purse thrown over her shoulder, some blue sky, and a bird. Cut away, the glass windows in the ceiling of the prison. Sky now visible, and one bird. Woman looking up towards the sky. Above and behind her, a tough looking man looking down in her direction.

A perfect image for how I felt, trapped inside some high security prison with no chance of escaping. I taped it on the wall above my desk, next to the big Buddha. 

Inner Prison

Looking at the picture, I started to 'see' another much larger reality. That of blue sky, unlimited, with the bird flying, free.  I felt a shift inside. Becoming like the sky, with breath flowing in and out, no longer hindered. Fear melting, and replaced by a deep calmness that could not be touched by outer ripples. No longer wishing for, or away. Just being breathed.

What is your inner prison? How can you become free?

The Way of the Feminine

Tale of a Woman on the Buddha's Path.

I am still processing dream from two nights ago, where I was in South East Asia, playing Cinderella . . . 

On my hand and knees, I am collecting with a small brush the human hair that has collected in a dirty red carpet leading to a business office. The job is tedious and unpleasant, and the brush ridiculously small compared to the amount of work to be done. I don't even have gloves, and have to pull all the hair out of the brush with my bare hands, into a bucket. A man with glasses comes out of the office and warns me that another bigger job awaits the next day, at another location by a large river. 

Being a woman on the Buddha's path is an interesting journey, one of increasing awareness, where the world is viewed under the double lens of the feminine and the Dharma.

It makes one more and more discerning of the wrongful ideas, conventions, and constructs that permeate our patriarchal world. The patriarchy is everywhere, including in Buddhist circles. When I told one of my teachers that I was going away on a retreat with famed rebel, elder, and teacher  Ruth Denison, his answer was, "You are!!! You know she talks all the time . . . " I wondered why so much contempt? Another teacher, a woman and a student of the first teacher, gave me a similar response, almost verbatim. The patriarchy feels threatened by strong women. 

The patriarchy also operates within lay institutions. One such example is in traditional mental healthcare, where the person is viewed as a patient to be fixed, with medications* preferably. The inequality in the doctor-patient relationship is flagrant and keeps striking me during my work as a psychotherapist, where I am often called to work in partnership with psychiatrists who are part of the medical establishment. There is hope however, including from men with a developed sense of the feminine. John Kabat-Zinn, Saki Santorelli in their work with Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction, Dr. Allen Power as an advocate for humane dementia care, are example of such men leading the way and  transforming healthcare from the inside out.

Defying my teacher's contempt, I am leaving today for two-week retreat with Ruth Denison in her monastery, in the California desert. With the persons I am privileged to serve in psychotherapy, I continue to be their fierce advocate. I am also eagerly looking forward to bringing our Joy of Caring Mindfulness-Based Dementia Care approach into the mainstream of dementia care training for family and professional care partners. At Zen Hospice, I delight in serving the dying in a way that's in accord with their very needs, not those of a system that would like to deny the reality of death. And in this blog, and at the Huffington Post, I work relentlessly at highlighting some of the insidious thoughts that permeate the patriarchal way of thinking, and introducing a different way of meeting various situations, that is based on authenticity, and human connectedness. 

How do you fit within the patriarchy?

*Not that I am opposed to medications, for there are instances when medications can definitely help!

Living the Questions, Now

A few days ago, I found this quote from Rainer Maria Rilke:

"I would like to beg you, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, some day far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answers." 

~ as quoted by U Jotika, in 'Snow in the Summer' ~ 

I needed that wisdom . . .  Rilke helped put a halt to my need to figure things out.

And now, a collage, fresh from the unconscious, with more questions:

Earlier, I went for a walk with the dog. Walking, I repeated to myself, "May I be at peace, may I be at ease, may I be happy . . . "

May all beings be at peace, may all beings be at ease, may all beings be happy. It is September 11th after all.

Getting Ready For The Desert

More than two months away, . . . 

Subconscious, planning mind is in full gear, anticipating women's retreat with Ruth Denison in her desert abode.

Until then, of course, the real work is in practicing wise and kind attention to the now, as much as possible.

Woman in Nature

From my days as an art therapist, I have kept the gift of collage as a self-visioning tool. Today, straight from the unconscious, almost exclusively, some images of women in the midst of nature. 

Not to be interpreted, but contemplated instead.

Buddha Map

It had been a while since I had done a self-collage. This time, I was drawn to making a Buddha map . . . 

A Halloween Collage

Tis' Halloween. Time to be silly,

in the face of reality of death, and impermanence.

Discernment and Right Livelihood

Finding the Buddha's path has turned my life upside down, in a good way. No area has been left untouched. Lately, I have been most preoccupied with discerning where to go next with my professional life. Asking and looking for answers to such questions as: who am I? what are my intentions? are they pure? what is my true calling? what changes do I need to make? what is the next step?

While I do not have a full answer yet, the picture is becoming more clear, starting with a list of qualities that are dear to me:

creativity - intelligence - freedom - innovative - feminine - passionate - simplicity - authenticity - service - meaning - spiritual - relatedness - adventure - irreverence - love - compassion - generosity - gratitude

Several ideas have formed in my mind, of various ways I could enact those values in some meaningful work. All have to do with helping create a new way of helping others, that makes best use of my various skills and talents. I am trying to be patient, and not rush. Gil told the story of how it took him one year, to sort out his calling. For now, I shall be content, just knowing the answers are there, inside the orange envelope, within the black purse.

I am curious to know how your practice has informed your choice of right livelihood.

Self-Love, and the Feminine Quest for Personal Identity

I am not alone, as I wander in search of a personal identity. Many other women, are there also. Often times, it is their children leaving the nest, that precipitates the question, who am I? For some, the quest can take a destructive turn. For others, they quickly find a new professional identity that fits. For me, it has been a lifelong process, clumsy, unsatisfactory, of trying on different personas, with more or less success, and always, too hastily. With meditation, I have found the strength, confidence, and patience, to wait for real identity to reveal itself in space of being. And sustain tension of not knowing, what black purse holds inside. As opposed to getting seduced, by first identity that's thrown my way. No matter how glorious, it won't fit, I have realized, at last.

I have started the sorting out process of listing the values that belong in the black purse:

Simplicity - Inner life - Passion - Service - Humor - Feminine - Real - Deep - Intelligence - Creativity

I also need to be mindful of the hurdles:

Greed for power, money, recognition

Fear of not having enough

Not knowing myself

Not loving myself enough to take time to figure out who I am and what I need

Of course being aware of the hindrances is 99% of the battle:

"Une femme avertie en vaut deux" - French say (A forewarned woman is worth two of them)

Last night, I had a dream that confirmed what I have been feeling lately:

I go back to my mother's house. There I meet the man for whom I had tender feelings as a child. I realize I love him and he loves me, and we start kissing. There is another man lying down outside the kitchen window. I don't know him, but he has been bringing food into the house. I decide to go meet my friend's mother.

For the first time, I am taking the time to love, and nurture myself. I can't tell you how good it feels. May all other sisters who are at a loss also, take the time to discover within the inner lover and nurturing mother. And may they all find themselves in the process.

Little Red Riding Hood

Into the woods, I met Little Red Riding Hood, and the big, bad wolf, again . . .

Only this time was different, because "My many hours of pain and darkness have convinced me to live life to its fullest, to suck the marrow out of my existence, and to play my natural role" (quoted from Vogue article, author forgotten). Buddha was there also, lighting the way out of the forest, urging me to retreat, and to commit, and to investigate, and to dream, and to see, and to love with compassion, and to choose wisely, and to focus, and to make a leap, of faith.

I used to think of myself only as Little Red Riding Hood, and to be scared of the wolf. Now, I see the wolf, and I feel for him, and I want to love him also.

When Sitting's Not Enough

I knew something was up, since phone call from a few days ago. I had felt out of sorts, tangled up in a web of difficult emotions, and a smorgasbord of unhelpful thoughts to match. Sitting wasn't cutting it. And neither was confiding in my girlfriends. Not knowing what else to do, I decided to make a collage. Maybe, some answers would come.

An answer did spring. As I was taping the torn pieces of magazines together, a big shift happened inside. First in my head, where divisive, hurtful thoughts, magically gave way to a new order, this time ruled by truth and unity. Soon followed by a wave of love over my heart. Fear, and guilt, frustration, and powerlessness, washed away, in one big sweep. Nothing had changed on the outside, and yet I was reconciled at once.

Next week when I see my teacher, I will ask him, how could I have worked through this with meditation alone? Or are there times, when meditation, particularly for Western souls like myself, is not enough?

Listening To the Voice Within

This is my collage of the week. For a change, I am not trying to assign too much meaning to it. Simply putting it together suffices. My eyes keep going to the pink purse in the middle, and the "within" lock.

You should not worry about who will support you or about what will happen to you. Moment after moment, you should completely devote yourself to listening to your inner voice.

Susuki Roshi

'Elle' Intelligence

The psyche works in mysterious ways. All I know right now, is 'something's coming'. The dawn of a new way of being, of relating, and experiencing life. To do with the feminine.

I'm excited . . .

Swept Away

Only two months ago, I was sure I would have nothing to do with anything 'spiritual'. Been there, done that . . . An involuntary passage through the darkness led me to change my view, and look inside for a breakthrough. Seeds planted years ago, during an earlier stint with Buddhism, had laid dormant and got reawakened. I did have an ah ah moment, when it became clear to me, that there's got to be a better way. And I finally understood in my core, what the Buddha meant by the inevitability of suffering, and the possibility of ending suffering, and the basic unsatisfactory nature of life, and the need to let go of aversion, and clinging, and avoidance. Now I am swept away by a force greater than I. And I have no choice but to go along.

My favorite part in the collage - this quote from an old Vogue: I wish the monks would adopt me and put me to useful work. I'd introduce casual Fridays, refrock them in Pucci paisley or Burberry plaid. Not that I am a fashionista. No. I am responding to the playfulness, the irreverence. Be silly. Be calm. And stay clear . . .

Know Thyself

Collages are like maps of my unconscious, showing me the various parts of myself at a particular moment, some of them still in the process of becoming. I particularly connect with the image of the woman in the middle. "Keep calm and carry on" . . .