I am not alone, as I wander in search of a personal identity. Many other women, are there also. Often times, it is their children leaving the nest, that precipitates the question, who am I? For some, the quest can take a destructive turn. For others, they quickly find a new professional identity that fits. For me, it has been a lifelong process, clumsy, unsatisfactory, of trying on different personas, with more or less success, and always, too hastily. With meditation, I have found the strength, confidence, and patience, to wait for real identity to reveal itself in space of being. And sustain tension of not knowing, what black purse holds inside. As opposed to getting seduced, by first identity that's thrown my way. No matter how glorious, it won't fit, I have realized, at last.
I have started the sorting out process of listing the values that belong in the black purse:
Simplicity - Inner life - Passion - Service - Humor - Feminine - Real - Deep - Intelligence - Creativity
I also need to be mindful of the hurdles:
Greed for power, money, recognitionFear of not having enoughNot knowing myselfNot loving myself enough to take time to figure out who I am and what I need
Of course being aware of the hindrances is 99% of the battle:
"Une femme avertie en vaut deux" - French say (A forewarned woman is worth two of them)
Last night, I had a dream that confirmed what I have been feeling lately:
I go back to my mother's house. There I meet the man for whom I had tender feelings as a child. I realize I love him and he loves me, and we start kissing. There is another man lying down outside the kitchen window. I don't know him, but he has been bringing food into the house. I decide to go meet my friend's mother.
For the first time, I am taking the time to love, and nurture myself. I can't tell you how good it feels. May all other sisters who are at a loss also, take the time to discover within the inner lover and nurturing mother. And may they all find themselves in the process.