Uppers and Downers for the Heart

Twice lately, I came across stories that uplifted my heart.

The first one is about SOIL, a nonprofit organization led by a young Stanford grad, Sasha Kramer who  is helping solve some of the most pressing problems facing the people of Haiti, with one simple initiative: compostable toilets.

The second one features Dan Sudran, the founder of the Mission Science Workshop in San Francisco. Moved by his love of science and the will to make a difference, Dan developed a grassroot science education organization now serving over 250 city children every week. 

Each time, same expansion felt in the heart, and a great gladness that steadies me in my resolution to continue with my own work.

Uppers for the heart, I call them.

The heart, such a fragile organ . . . It does not take much for the tide to turn either way, up or down.

Down my heart goes whenever I let mind linger into stories that do me no good. 

Several times during the day, I catch myself thinking of a man whose repeated misdeeds continue to run havoc in a community. Although I have removed myself from the situation, there are still ripples to be felt from that person's actions. And each time, the danger of heart contracting in anger and fear. The mind has this malicious tendency of wanting to linger in filth. 

If not that man, another one also triggers me to go down a downward path despite all my good intentions. It does not take much. The mind grabs on to a few words, and off it goes. Once down, it takes a lot of mindfulness and will power to extract oneself from the pit. 

Up or down, which way do you want your heart to go? 

Finding Nothing, Only Energy

It was five months ago, when I spent two and a half weeks with Ruth Denison at Dhamma Dena, her place in Joshua Tree.  This morning, I felt called to reconnect with her:

Being fully conscious, in this moment, in this body, the 'I' created concepts about what one's experience ought to be, recede to reveal only what is.

Beyond the words, is Ruth's awakened presence. Such a huge inspiration for my practice . . . 

Removing the Veil

I love the intimacy of morning rituals, when the bathroom becomes a sanctuary, the perfect place for meditation in slow motion. Watching sensations in the body, palpitations of the heart, and thoughts passing through the mind . . . This morning, there was gratitude for the pleasure of warm cloth against my face,  and the surroundings of kind silence. A happy moment, on the surface.

Right below, familiar contraction in the stomach asked to be investigated. Why such unpleasantness? I  stood, listening and came across a bunch of thoughts. That there was something basically wrong with my life, as it is. That a better future was to be hoped for. That in order for me to be truly happy, such and such conditions would have to be fulfilled first. I let my mind go wild and imagine what it would be like if I had all my wishes, down to the most minute details. I could taste the sweetness, the satisfaction of changes 'for the better', and something else also. 

Not all would be well in that new scenario, I could see it. There would be suffering, difficulties, unpleasantness, coming along for the ride. My fantasies came crashing, one by one, like big bubbles bursting against a hard cement wall. Left on its own, this is what the deluded mind does. It leads one to operate under false beliefs, and false assumptions. As here, dismissing the present moment in favor of a utopic future.  

Removing the veil of delusions . . . 

Towards, Curious, and Relaxed

This is part 3 of a series on the inner attitude that has been permeating my heart as of late. I call it A Change of Heart, and A Happy List. Last night, during several bouts of sleeplessness, the words from wise teachers kept dancing in the darkness. Words to articulate what it is I have been feeling . . . 

From Saki Santorelli, "turning towards", inspired by the Rumi's poem:

Don't turn your head. Keep looking

at the bandaged place. That's where

the Light enters you.

Turning towards . . . Saki kept repeating those words throughout our retreat. 

From U Tejaniya, the title of a Tricycle article that never left me, 'The Curious Investigator'. And after further checking, the realization that the original title is instead 'The Wise Investigator' . . . The 'curious' part is for me to own completely.

Also from U Tejaniya, his wonderful list of 23 points regarding What is the Right Attitude for Meditation? Particularly 'relaxed', 'light', 'free', 'faith', and 'confidence'.

And I wonder, what is the urge of putting words on THIS? 

The answer comes, easy. So I do not forget.

No Blind Faith Here

(Back from two and a half week retreat with Ruth Denison, at Dhamma Dena Desert Vipassana Center, I am devoting the next few weeks to sharing Ruth's wonderful teachings.)

Finding Out For Ourselves, According to the Buddha, and Ruth . . .

That morning, Ruth was not feeling well. Still, she had made herself come to the zendo and teach to us. I am so glad she did. Here is part of her talk, on investigation:

"No belief,

nothing to follow.

It is a process of investigation

and observing . . ."

This aspect of the Buddhist teachings pleases my Western mind, that needs to understand before it is to cooperate.

The Real Cause of Mental Pain

When To Meditate, and When To Contemplate.

It hit me last night. One dart, strategically shot, that left my heart bleeding . . . Of course, reactive mind chimed in, and pushed the dart further in, causing even more suffering. Something had to be done. I knew better than to give 'poor me' voice much weight. Sure, I had been done wrong by someone close, but still, that was no reason to take on the sad, angry role of victim. I remembered Ayya Khema's advice. Meditation would do me no good in this situation. Instead,

"What you could do at such time would be contemplation. Sit down where nobody will disturb you, and focus on the pain to find out it s cause, why it should have arisen. Do not be satisfied with an answer such as "Because so-and-so said something"- that's only the superficial cause of it. That would have been the trigger, but there's no cause for mental pain unless there's something inside oneself that is reacting to that trigger. It is useful first to find the outer trigger, which is probably well known to you. It could be a sense of futility, anxiety about the future - any kind of trigger is possible."

Sitting down at my desk, I was able to put my finger on the outer trigger. Yes, anxiety about the future, and also of not being able to rely on the other person.

"Then you need to find in yourself the reason for the reaction creating pain. The reason has to be "I don't want it the way it is." There can be no other."

Yes, I have a big need for security. Anything that threatens it, triggers a strong personal reaction of fear.

But why don't we like it the way it is? Usually the answer is "Because my ego is not supported." The bottom line of the whole inquiry is always the "ego", but it's useless to say, "I know it is my ego" and then continue to have the pain. It is useful , however, to go through the whole process of the trigger, the personal reaction , the inquiry into the cause of the reaction and then the understanding that the reaction is our dukkha and not the trigger.  I have a formula: "Don't blame the trigger." Never let the mind stay with the trigger; always investigate what and who is reacting. Unless we find the reaction to the trigger in ourselves, we are going to repeat the same performance with the same result over and over again, like a preprogrammed computer printout. Press the same buttons and the same printout appears, until we finally realize that it is nothing but a button being pressed, and that we don't have to have the same printout. We are in a position to be able to stop ourselves.

There is so much freedom in no longer looking for cause outside of oneself. I, not the other person is responsible for my pain, and that at least, I can do something about. In this case, I asked myself the question, why do I give the other person so much power? Why can't I find the security I need within myself? Down the ladder, I went, asking more why's, all to do with me, and no one else.

In the beginning that may be painful because we have to look at ourselves in a new way. We need no have this exaggerated idea of our own worth, nor do we need an exaggerated idea of our nonworth. We can learn just to accept the way things are. Sitting on the pillow at such a time is very good, but trying to meditate is often useless; contemplate instead. The subject of the contemplation is to be: "The cause of mental pain."  

~ From 'When The Iron Eagle Flies', pages 76-77, by Ayya Khema ~

What are some forms of inquiry, that you practice, and that complement your meditation practice?

Cognitive Therapy, a Useful Add-On to Meditation?

Fear loomed large, as I went about my business today. The thought, 'I am catastrophizing', reminded me of "The 10 Cognitive Distortions", a useful tool from cognitive therapy, that I sometimes remember to pull out of my self-care toolbox. I first became familiar with CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) while working with patients at El Camino Hospital Older Adults Program, back in the early 90's. CBT has been proven particularly effective with persons suffering from depression, but it can be used by all who are struggling with emotionally charged situations. Pulled from the CBT Forum, here is a quick overview of "The 10 Cognitive Distortions":

It has been proven that people who have a tendency to experience overpowering moods, be it depression, anger, anxiety, worry etc., often have a tendency to form distorted cognitions or thought patterns.Below you can see the ten cognitive distortions that people typically fall into when they become trapped by negative emotions. Identifying these patterns when they arise and writing them down is the first step to taking control of your emotional state:

1. All or nothing thinking: You look at things in absolute, black-and-white categories. If you’re not a complete success, you think you’re a total failure.
2. Overgeneralisation: You view a single event as a never-ending pattern of defeat. You may tell yourself, “This always happens,” or “I’ll never get it right.”
3. Mental Filter: This is like the drop of ink that discolours the entire beaker of water. You dwell on one negative detail, such as an error you make, and ignore all the things you did right.
4. Discounting the positive: You insist that your accomplishments or positive qualities don’t count.
5. Jumping to conclusions: You jump to conclusions that aren’t warranted by the facts. There are two types: a) Mind-reading: You assume that people are terribly judgmental and are looking down on you; b) Fortune-telling: You tell yourself that something terrible is about to happen: “I just know I’m going to blow it when I take my test next week.”
6. Magnification and minimization: You blow things out of proportion or shrink their importance. This is also called the binocular trick. When you look through one end of the binoculars, all your shortcomings seem as huge as Mt Everest. When you look through the other end, all your strengths and positive qualities seem to shrink down to nothing.
7. Emotional reasoning: You reason from how you feel, such as “I feel anxious, so I must really be in danger.” Or “I feel like a loser, so I must really be one.”
8. Should statements: You criticize yourself or other people with “shoulds,” “shouldn’ts,” “oughts,” “musts,” and “have-tos.” For example, “I shouldn’t feel so shy and nervous. What’s wrong with me?”
9. Labelling: You generalize from a single flaw or shortcoming to your entire identity, instead of saying “I made a mistake,” you label yourself as “a loser.” This is an extreme form of Overgeneralisation.
10. Blame: Instead of pinpointing the cause of a problem, you assign blame. There are two basic patterns of blame: a) Self-Blame: You blame yourself for something you weren’t responsible for or beat up on yourself relentlessly whenever you make a mistake; b) Other Blame: You blame others and deny your own role in the problem.

How do the recognition of cognitive distortions fit within Vipassana practice? I see a direct

connection with investigation, as described here by Gil Fronsdal:

By sorting through the unwholesome and the wholesome, we can choose to cultivate the wholesome and let go of the unwholesome. If you feel an inclination to be generous, for example, you can choose to water the seed of generosity by following through on that inclination. You may be able to distinguish mean-spirited feelings and choose to let them go. With enough mindfulness and investigation, you can even choose which thoughts to pursue and which to drop. You may be able to recognize when you are thinking along unwholesome lines and choose to think about something more useful.

Becoming familiar with the list of "10 Cognitive Distortions" will help sort out helpful from unhelpful thoughts, whenever the time comes. In turn, choosing to not indulge distorted thoughts will remove some of the stickiness of heavy feelings. Sometimes, one needs all the help they can get . . . and CBT is one more tool, that can work well within the context of meditation.

The Power of Investigation to Dissolve Frustration

I was looking forward to this morning's sitting with Gil at IMC. Took place in one of few remaining seats, and quickly settled.

Not sure at first, of what's going on inside. Breath to help go down below the surface. I notice usual noises of people coming in, coughing, whispering, do not bother me, for a change. Attention drawn inward, instead. Feeling heat. I shall not move to relieve discomfort. Ache in right shoulder. Thought, this sitting is not pleasant. Itchy chin. Not getting better. I do not like this. Thought of getting up, and leaving. No, I am committed to staying, and sitting still, no matter what. Putting name on feeling. I am feeling frustration. Lots of it. Breath provides temporary relief, here and there. Frustration persists, gets more intense, even. Noticing frustration about frustration. Thought, I am stuck with feeling forever. Practical side takes over. Realization that yes, I am stuck with frustration for now, and I better make friend with it, not resist. Also, I start paying attention to quality of awareness. Thought, awareness is really gross right now, assigning fixed, permanent, rigid quality to frustration, which I know to not be true. Need to shift, and let go of preconceived notions about presence of frustration. Breath. Attention drawn to exact moment. Frustration about frustration, and other possibilities not yet known. Breath. Feeling of settling, and comfort even, with moment, including frustration. Surprise of bell ringing. Too soon.

As usual, some of Gil's talk felt particularly relevant to my earlier sitting experience. Today was about the value of investigation, in the context of equanimity. Here are some of my notes:

Three leading factors of equanimity: 1) ability to have overview of situation, understanding from larger perspective, 2) ability to stand in the middle, to be balanced and centered, not reacting, 3) ability to step back and investigate, mostly nature of thinking process. What is glue that keep us attracted to certain thoughts? The stronger the glue, the more difficult it is to reach equanimity. Difference between 'thoughting', the process of mind creating thoughts, other which we have no control, and 'thinking', that which creates chain of associations between thoughts, and that is optional. Importance of not getting involved into thoughts, of not believing that thinking alone will solve our problems, of exploring range of beliefs we hold about thinking. Last, value of answering this important question: what is desire/wish hiding behind when we are thinking about something? and how can we best address that want?

I came home, feeling calm. Frustration, dissolved. Almost.