Loving the Stranger

No dog, no iPod, no friend. This morning, I went for a long walk with myself only. 

And before long, encountered a familiar presence. Sad, depressed, lonely. With it,  I kept on walking, along the quiet streets, past the new Facebook campus, across and amidst the Stanford students housing, back into my neighborhood. A whole hour, I stayed with this company. I thought of the dying ones I sat with yesterday at Zen Hospice, and the patience that arose naturally in me, as I sat at their bedside. Being there for their fears, their pain, their aloneness in the face of impending death. And I realized how much more difficult it is to be present for one's own suffering.  How tempting it is to ignore one's reality, and to anesthetize oneself with busyness, or food, or Dharma talks even . . . Crowding the mind with thoughts not related to the moment. Keeping the body in constant motion so as to not feel the physical pain from difficult emotions. Hyper connecting with a crowd to displace the focus of attention outside of one self. Anything to not feel the pain. 

The more I walked, the more tenderness I felt for myself. There was no denying the extraordinary effort required and at the same time, I knew there was no other way to be. Heart turning towards itself, doing exactly what it was supposed to. Again, I thought of the ones I have been privileged to serve, and who have taught me to love. It is said you cannot love others unless you can love yourself. I am convinced it works both ways. You cannot love yourself unless you can love others.  Stretching the compassion muscle . . . 

I came home happy, that I had not abandoned myself:

You will love again the stranger who was your self.

Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart

to itself, to the stranger who has loved you 

all your life, whom you have ignored

for another who knows you by heart.

~ Derek Walcott ~

Today, will you take the time to love the stranger that is you?

A Change of Heart

There is understanding . . . and there is knowing. During last week's retreat with Jon Kabat-Zinn and Saki Santorelli, I came to experience at a deeper level what it is to actually accept all of myself, even during those moments when unpleasantness arises. Ambition, sadness, greed, boredom, frustration, anxiety, jealousy, regret, and a whole bunch of other guests took turn to keep me company as I sat and walked with my fellow retreatants, and watched wondrous sunsets, and ate delicious vegetarian food, and hiked up Mount Madonna mountain . . . I watched the initial impulse to recoil and not like myself. And the wish for more blissful states, filled with peace, love, and happiness instead. There was a sense that this moment was wrong, and that maybe some day if I practiced hard enough, I would be rid of such hindrances.  I realized the delusion.

There was a gradual turning towards the yukiness, and a true meeting of the sensations, the thoughts, the emotions for what they were. No point in waiting for a 'better' moment any longer. No, instead, I started to really enjoy the exploration, the discovery of all that was, inside. And paradoxically, found much peace, love, and happiness . . .  

Below is a list of poems and writings* that have served as catalysts for this dramatic change of heart:

This opening to the life 

we have refused

again and again

until now.

Until now.

~ David Whyte ~

The time will come

when, with elation,

you will greet yourself arriving

at your own door, in your own mirror,

and each will smile at the other's welcome

and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.

Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart

to itself, to the stranger who has loved you 

all your life, whom you have ignored

for another who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshefl,

the photographs, the desperate notes,

peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life.

~ Derek Walcott ~

We have no reasons to harbor any mistrust against our world, for it is not against us. If it has terrors, they are our terrors. If it has abysses, these abysses belong to us. If there are dangers, we must try to love them, and only if we could arrange our lives in accordance with the principle that tells us that we must always trust in the difficult, then what now appears to us to be alien will become our most intimate and trusted experience. 

How could we forget those ancient myths that stand at the beginning of all races-the - the myths about dragons that at the last moment are transformed into princesses. Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are only princesses waiting for us to act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.

So you must not be frightened if a sadness rises before your larger than any you've ever seen if an anxiety like light and cloud shadows moves over your hands and everything that you do. You must  realize that something has happened to you. Life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hands and will not let you fall. Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any miseries, or any depressions? For after all, you do not know what work these conditions are doing inside you.

~ Rainer Maria Rilke ~

Kabir says this: just throw away all thoughts of 

imaginary things,

and stand firm in that which you are.

~ Kabir ~

and of course, The Guest-House!

This being human is a guest-house

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they're are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you 

out for some delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

~ Rumi ~

Back home, walking through the aisles of Home Depot with my husband, I felt once more discomfort rising, just like that, and I smiled . . . Heart moved by kind curiosity, I longed to discover what sat inside. And I rejoiced. Really.

Now, may you be well, may you be at peace, may you be happy with yourself, no matter which moment.

* All citations from Selected Poems and Readings list handed to us during the retreat.

Our Own Mother

Yesterday, after posting my short bit,  I realized I had left out one important factor in the filling of the glass: 

If we want a realistic relationship with ourselves that is conducive to growth, when we need to become our own mother. A sensible mother can distinguish between behavior that is useful for her child and that which is detrimental, but she does not stop loving the child when it misbehaves. This may be one of the most important aspects to consider in ourselves. Everyone, at one time or another, misbehaves in thought, speech, or action - most frequently in thought, fairly frequently in speech, and not so often in action. What do we do with that? What would a mother do? She would tell the child not to do it again, reassure the child of her continual love, and get on with the job of bringing up her child. Maybe we can start bringing up ourselves.

~ From Be an Island, by Ayya Khema ~ 

Staying with the filling the glass image, what happens when one is cut from the source, or when the water cannot flow freely, or when the water that flows is polluted with undesirable elements? What happens when we have not internalized the capacity to be a good mother to ourselves? What are we do do? Are we to keep on meditating, hoping that sustained mindfulness will bring to light our chronic self-hatred and dissolve it ultimately? Are we to pay a visit to a psychotherapist and get reparented? Or are we to do both?

So many folks have trouble forgiving themselves for their imperfections, and when they sit, the process of seeing their misdeeds up close, only reinforces their sense of badness. This is where contemporary meditation teachers such as U Tejaniya, U Jotika, Thich Nat Hanh, or Mingyur Rinpoche can play such a crucial role in emphasizing that core issue of one's fundamental attitude towards oneself. 

Psychotherapy is another path towards self-forgiveness, and internalizing the good mother image. This is the road I took before I discovered meditation. Actually, the same can be accomplished through a personal relationship with a meditation teacher as long as he or she is sufficiently grounded in the feminine principle.  

Can you forgive yourself? How tolerant are you of your imperfections? Do you basically love yourself

A Most Wonderful Meditation

The thoughts kept coming, disjointed, from part in the brain that obviously did not belong to 'me' . . . Efforts to go back to the breath, over and over, seemed almost vain. Still, I kept at it. Inside was emptiness, not the kind referred to by the Buddha. No, rather a formless state, same one that prompted me to hug pillow in the middle of the night. A void, asking to be filled. Lots of craving there. Body was protesting also, with pain jumping around from feet, to back, to shoulders, to neck. . . Mindfully, I slightly adjusted position, several times. Relief was temporary at best. In its place, suffering. I turned attention to the heart, wondering what kind of emotions might lie there. Elusive at first, hiding under seemingly absence of feeling, I found, irritation, around the edges. Irritation about my inability to control monkey mind. Irritation about the big void. Irritation about the physical pain. Irritation about the irritation.

Greater than the irritation, and the wish to end, though, was the love that urged me to keep on sitting, and not abandon myself in the midst of extreme unpleasantness. I felt as if sitting with most dear friend. Leaving her, just when she needed me the most, would have amounted to a terrible betrayal.

There was something else also. The satisfaction from newly acquired knowledge, fresh from the direct experience. A deeper insight about the autonomous nature of spontaneous mind, and body, and heart, that led me to wanting to seek refuge into wise mind even more.

All in all, a most wonderful meditation.

Body as Gateway to Self-Love and More

As soon as I start paying attention, the gnawing makes itself known. Starting in the stomach, then slowly making its way up, to the throat where it gets stuck. This morning was no exception. During the half-day retreat with Gil Fronsdal this morning, I felt it during both sitting, and walking meditations. A physical sensation, that went along with feeling of frustration, and recurring fantasies of being gainfully employed, doing good for the world.

During my interview with Gil, I shared earlier dream also. After a short investigation, it became clear this all has to do with my difficulties in loving self. Gil had me do a short guided meditation, starting with sensations in body. Feeling gnawing in stomach, completely, without commentary, letting it move . . . Feeling stuckness in throat. Gil asks what does it feel like? Image of a golf ball. Exploring the roundedness, the places of contact between ball, and throat. Ball dissolving. Gil asks again, what do I feel. Expansiveness in the heart, and tears. There was a lot more to it than what I relate here, including some thoughts that I shared and discussed with Gil as they came up. The overall experience was profound, and gave me a sense of the power of laser pointed mindfulness, using body sensations as gateway to deeply held emotions. Gil suggested I continue process on my own.

Gil expanded on self-love topic, during his mini-lecture. Here are my notes:

Story of King and Queen. The King asks the Queen, who she holds most dear? Myself, she responds. Disappointed King takes matter to the Buddha, who confirms it is indeed best to hold ourselves most dear. Story shows importance of self-love. Having very positive feeling about self, self-worthiness, self-respect, . . . is what allows us empathy for others' own worthiness.

Question is how to discover love for self? In typical Buddhist fashion, do not pursue ideal directly. Instead understand what are obstacles? Obstacles to self-love are all activities of the mind, that create ideas/feelings of unworthiness. These mind activities need to be put to rest. This requires clear seeing, and more importantly feeling effects of mind in body. Once obstacles fall away, this leaves room for something else to bubble up, not necessarily self-love. Could be some inner well being, purity that does not relate to self at all. Last, it is important to look at obstacles with kindness . . .