The Drama Within

Dreams have a way of giving meaning to an otherwise elusive internal climate. I woke up with much fear, and unease. The sweet dinner in a nice restaurant had turned into a nightmare. I remembered the waiter coming to warn us of a dangerous man on the loose, and then us leaving in search of a safe place. I was also told that my little dog, Coco had been run over by a car, and had been taken to the hospital. Two opposite forces, aggression and love playing out their drama inside the psyche.

Coco

Andrea Fella's talk at IMC last night was about fear and mindfulness. This morning, I am getting to practice . . . Using the quality of sustained attention to explore the mind-made fear palpable inside. Andrea talked about getting in touch with the sensations in the body, when no identifiable thoughts or beliefs are to be investigated. There is tightness in the throat, and an overall constriction. And an aversion to the experience itself. A fear of the unpleasantness. I remember Andrea's teaching about not jumping to premature conclusions. "You are to be with what is right in front of you. Do not try to get to the center right away". 

An invitation to dwell in stillness . . .

Sitting, I found the angry man who aggressed me at the pool. Very much alive inside.  A rageful guest, who left after a while. And then the bittersweetness of love laced with sadness.

You may listen to Andrea's entire talk on AudioDharma, under 'The Five Faculties and Fear'.

Relax First, Meditate Second

I have been enjoying Andrea Fella's recent talks on 'concentration'. There is much wisdom there, and great practical advice regarding how to be during sitting meditation. One point in particular has been informing my sittings as of late. Andrea talks about the need to relax first if one is to concentrate during meditation. This is so important!

Here are relevant notes from Andrea's talk:

When we think of how to concentrate we typically try to willfully stay with experience in order to get concentrated . . . There is this kind of grasping, holding on to something in effort to get concentrated . . . 

Relaxation is one of the best support for concentration. We are setting up the container of our meditation through learning how to bring attention to our experience in a relaxed way. Learning to find a way that will support this mind and this body to be relaxed and yet attentive . . . Starting with relaxation is a good beginning . . . Very ofthen my mind has habit of holding on to the breath. As soon as I see the mind trying, I go back to relaxation. I do this over and over again. At some point the attention figures out how to stay connected to the breath without tightening. We use relaxation to support the settling down of the mind and body. As soon as you feel the tension, you can release and relax it. We can add a little agenda to the relaxation too, an we have to watch that we don't get tight around that as well! . . . What does it mean for you to be relaxed and attentive? You need to explore and figure out way that works best for you. This is different for everyone . . . This is a mindfulness practice.

I was reminded of Mingyur Rinpoche's enactment of the serious meditator :)

Through experience, I am finding my own ways of bringing ease into meditation. First is using the breath to dissolve the tensions. Breathing in, breathing out through the tightness, can go a long way. Then, there is the overall attitude I bring of gratitude for the practice, something I learned from Ayya Khema:

Loving kindness is another support that allows me to feel safe and to let go of unnecessary tightening. And last, there is focusing on sounds. Hearing meditation is one of the easiest doors for me to access concentration.

How do you relax when you sit? Please share . . . 

Waiting Out the Wanting

My notes on Andrea Fella's talk, on the Second Noble Truth, during the retreat:

We are conditioned to react to things of the world in terms of wanting, or not wanting. In that conditioning lies the direct cause of our suffering. The good news is, since reactivity happens in the mind, it can be changed. 

Our culture, encourages that type of wanting, largely through advertising. 

Classic Buddhist story of the hungry monkey, that is so attached to the idea of having sweet left inside hollow coconut, that it can't let go of grasping hand, and in doing so, is trapped, and cannot pull hand out through slit, through which it originally slid open hand. The monkey is trapped by its own craving. All it would take for it to be free, would be to open its hand and let go of the craving. 

When we get what we want, we get a double hit of pleasantness:

1) getting what we want

2) having pain of wanting go away

We start to believe the only way to get happiness is to get what we want combined with release of the wanting. As the pleasure of the satisfied craving fades away, we want more of same thing, or we create more wants. This is a perpetual cycle. 

Rilke's Fifth Elegy:

'But who are they, tell me, these Travellers, even more
transient than we are ourselves, urgently, from their earliest days
wrung out for whom – to please whom,
by a never-satisfied will? Yet it wrings them,
bends them, twists them, and swings them,
throws them, and catches them again: as if from oiled
more slippery air, so they land
on the threadbare carpet, worn by their continual
leaping, this carpet
lost in the universe.
Stuck on like a plaster, as if the suburban
sky had wounded the earth there.'

The Buddha recognized this was not very satisfying, and that a deeper happiness resulted from letting go of the craving. This requires a leap of faith. There are lots of opportunities for testing this out during a retreat. Of getting in touch with feelings of wanting, and the experience of unpleasantness associated with wanting itself. Realizing that wanting is dependent on causes. Also seeing that feeling of wanting eventually disappears, and leads to feeling of satisfaction. This can get tricky, as when we start looking for, wanting moment when wanting disappear. 

Having a sense of curiosity is very helpful.

It is not about getting rid of wanting, but instead understanding it, and as we do, it will let go of itself. 

Most obvious wantings, have to do with sense pleasures. There are also more subtle cravings, such as for feeling, or identity. This relates to teachings on dependent origination, including 12 steps, starting with contact experience, and resulting in suffering. Basically, each contact experience between the six physical senses and the mind, and the world, has a feeling tone, that is either pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral. This, combined with ignorance and misunderstanding, leads to craving or aversion. As we become aware of this process, we can retrain our mind. If we do not indulge these wantings and leave the mind alone, these wantings will start to shrivel. 

Suffering and its causes happen in the present. Although it may appear that our suffering is a consequence from something that happened in the past, in reality, our suffering is the result from a present thought about a memory from the past, or an anticipated future. Our craving is about wanting a different past. 

During the retreat, I did get plenty of opportunities to watch the cravings come, most of which could not be satisfied right there, and with them the associated suffering of the feeling of wanting itself. And then, pouf, on their own the wantings would go away, replaced by another craving. No need to indulge. Time took care of things, eventually:

Quick, out of the meditation hall,

to secure the sun-warmed stone path,

for my bare feet.

Walking meditation.

Craving, satisfied, 

soon supplanted by hunger pain.

Anticipating the 5.15 dinner bell.

Unpleasantness of wanting,

not met, right now,

quickly forgotten.

Body starts to feel stiff;

I want to stretch on the lawn.

Ten minutes worth,

three cravings, right there.

Taking the high road, getting at the roots of suffering.

Easy Does It

Formal meditation practice, particularly in such an intense context as that of a long retreat, is akin to a marathon of the mind. In order to stay the course, it is important to pace oneself, and to not overly strain one's attention. One of the big realizations during last week's retreat, was how often I mistake overbearing attention for mindfulness. Andrea and Gil both drove home that point during their daily sitting instructions. 

Andrea talked about relaxed awareness, and the importance of spending time first  relaxing the body, at the beginning of sitting. Also, wandering mind can produce thoughts that can either lead to either more tension, or relaxation. When thoughts are pleasant, it is important to use the lingering ease, to cultivate relaxed awareness. 

Similarly, Gil used the term of generous awareness, suggesting an attitude of inclusivity towards whatever comes in the moment. Not forcing awareness on to things, but rather letting the breath, or other compelling experience come into, and fill the field of awareness. As important as mindfulness itself is the attitude we bring to it. 

Meditation may sometimes feel like bootcamp for the mind, but if that is all it is, not much good will come out of it. Loving kindness and softness need to be present as well!