Half-way through sitting, I hit a hard patch, made up of impatience, hate, frustration . . . about the persistent impatient, hateful, frustrated one inside. Kind of being hit with a double whammy of suffering. James Baraz's words from yesterday, came whispering, "Have a relaxed, interested, kind attitude towards yourself". I tried, using each breath, as resting place. Wiping the board of thoughts clean, over and over. And renouncing (almost) all velleities of ridding myself of 'it'. Most useful though, was the image of mother holding her child.
As a mom, I had plenty of opportunities to practice over the years, learning to survive* my children's hate, first when they were toddlers, and later during their rebellious teenage years. This is what I have to do, during this phase of my journey on the path. Hold myself, completely, steadily, regardless. Nobody else can do it for me.
*D.W. Winnicott's word
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ReplyDeleteI'm really enjoying reading your journey as I'm going through much of the same. It can be a viscious cycle some days. I get frustrated because I can't stop thinking....but then I remind myself the point isn't to stop thinking, but that still frustrates me, which leads me to more inquiry...who is it exactly that's getting frustrated? Ah the joys of finally examing the craziness that is our mind!
ReplyDeleteThank you Nate. I really value our spiritual friendship. Just left comment on your last post . . .
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