Friday, January 15, 2010

The Unpredictability of Being

All day, I had been looking for an island of calm when I could finally sit and be with the fear. The feeling was large, and diffuse, and could teach me a few things, I felt. When the time came, all I found was breath, and thoughts, lots of them. Thoughts about what I had left undone, just before I sat. Slippery thoughts, easy to let slide, until there was only breath, and purring from nearby heater. Mid-afternoon soon brought its usual temptation of tiredness. Something had to be done, like opening eyes, and turning off the heat. Staring in the distance, I wondered  about earlier fear. Where had it gone?

Fear, emptiness, tiredness . . . What was next? Boredom set in, followed by restlessness, and desire to move out of still body. Wish indulged, with slight twist from neck, and a deep sigh. Temporary happiness, soon giving way to desire to sleep. Frustration from not getting my way. I am a craving machine, unpredictable, at the mercy of all sorts of passing thoughts, and emotions, and sensations.

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