The fear is back. Huge, and threatening to invade my whole self. Anticipatory fear that has nothing to do with the reality of the moment, and is the result instead, of thinking mind, coalescing with old, obsolete parts, to create unnecessary aversion, and craving. Not wanting people to behave in a certain way, or certain situations to arise. Limiting acceptable options. Dysfunctional self is playing favorites. I don't want this moment, but I will take that one. And shrinks at the possibility of unpleasantness. Ironically, perpetuating a state of even greater misery. The whole setup does not make sense. And yet, I am stuck with it for now.
In his talk on "Self and Not Self", Donald Rothberg discusses the importance of deconstructing those unhelpful parts of the self, through the mindful experiencing of their effect in our lives. There are no shortcut. What I call the obsolete self, needs to run its course. At best, all we can do is hasten its demise, gently, mindfully, skillfully.
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