Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The Big, Fat Man

Woke up in the midst of a dream. I was in a support group. Not sure I was moderating, or just part of group. A big, fat man stands up. He is very unhappy about not having a job. I try to empathize with him, and relate to his powerlessness, and helplessness.

Still feeling the man's angst, an encounter with self seemed of the order. And so, I sat.

Surprised by immediate sadness, and tears, which I did not know were there. Sadness dissolves into heaviness on the chest. Shallow breaths, bump into what feels like a leaded cape. Same kind that's used during X-rays at the dentist. Image of fat man keeps popping up. Thought, I am him. Noting, thinking. Back to breath. Not sure which way to go. To keep breath inside the cape, or to direct it inside the cape itself? Either way, cape's feeling heavier and heavier. Wanting cape to go away. Noting the aversion, and craving for what is not. Body wavering between intense heat, and coldness. Feeling like such a mess. Thought, I might as well let go, and be with it all. Quiet house suddenly wakes up to morning noises. Dogs barking, doors slammed, loud exchanges, microwave beeping, dishes clunking, liquid loudly sipped . . . I have no room for patience this morning. Only frustration, from raw, not happy self. I feel urge to get up and tell all living beings in the house to shut the f... up. That's how annoyed I am. One good thing from anger, is heavy cape's gone. Breathing. I am a Buddhist. I am supposed to sit with the anger, and just breathe. Feeling soooo human. Breathing. Bell rings.

I have been taking on a lot of volunteer assignments lately, all for very good causes. Unconscious and mindfulness are stepping up their watch to remind me about my very human insecurities. My needs for validation, and security, and power. With concomitant feelings of depression, sadness, powerlessness, and rage. It would be easy to dismiss those as 'just clingings'. While that may be true in absolute, right now, the path calls for no less than total truthfulness, and continued investigation of various parts of the self, including the big, fat man.

6 comments:

  1. Thank you for this Marguerite, this post you made inspired me to write this on my blog.

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  2. Kyle, thank you so much. What a gift you gave me, with this post of yours today! I do believe there is great value in each of us sharing our authentic experiences as travelers along the path. If the Buddha was alive today, I am pretty sure he would be blogging, and tweeting, and youtubing, and that he would encourage his followers to do the same. Of course, like anything, there is a middle way to be found in blogging, as in with anything else . . .

    Deep bow. (I left comment on your post)

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  3. Inside the fat man who cannot get a job because people are repulsed by fat stands a lithe, winsome child; his true self. It is you, dear.

    Heavy, leaden cape is worn out of fear of being changed by radiation. Taking on a heavy cape of virtuous activities is done out of fear of change, too.

    Shed the concealing fat and the cape which prevents change, dear. Come out and grow.

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  4. As you know, dream interpretations are just that, interpretations . . . Behind your comment, I hear your caring concern, and I thank you for it.

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  5. Funny, I had a big fan man dream this morning. It was actually a full-fledged dream-movie about a poor family ("Grapes of Wrath of the Philippines") who were somewhat raucous, happy with each other, but worked very hard. One day when they were totally exhausted from work, Some gov. administrators requested that they immediately take on a very difficult job for little or no money. Refusing could result in retribution; and the big fat man -- head of the family. According to the plot, I knew that the big fat man (his name was Benito) was going to do something that would get him into big trouble...a sad ending was in store...

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  6. Thank you for the gift of your dream. Each one so precious, and bearer of wisdom. Anything came out for you? I will not dare interpret . . . :)

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