Fear. I could not ignore the feeling. Fear, insistent on staying. Breath, remarkably unhindered by the fear. Air moving freely, in and out. Fear and freedom of breath, co-existing, as I sat still. Some inkling of what fear is about. Lots of changes lying ahead, with various probability factors, all the way up to 99%, down to 1%. Possibility of unwanted changes is playing tricks on my mind. Insight. I am clinging to comfortable present, hence fear. Clinging, clinging, clinging. I repeat the word, with each breath. Fear receding, a bit. Thought, I am trying to manipulate the fear, make it go away. Aversion to fear, and now. Clinging to wish of a fear-free present moment. No, to make room for the reality of the fear. Feel it completely, with each breath, and in between each breath. Fear in solar plexus, in the throat, moving down all the way down each arm, to tips of fingers. Deep breath, sigh. One with fear, and freedom of breath. Thoughts about impermanence. From intellectual understanding, to acceptance, there is some way to go. Fear as part of the journey. Need to be patient, not crave promised happiness. Fear, and breath, for now.
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Marguerite,
ReplyDeleteNice post!...I really like your blog! I have just got back into my meditation & twitter simultaneously!
The funny thing is I know meditating is good for me & most of the time feel, a bit more quiet and centred afterwards....yet I end up time and again, not stick to it!.....quite frustrating!
Anyway, thanks for sharing your journey!
Ed
Thank you Ed. Yes, meditation is such a gift, to oneself, and others. Part of the difficulty in sticking with it, is that mindfulness is hard work. I wish you to stay on the path, this time around. You deserve no less!
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