Saturday, October 17, 2009

The Unsatisfactoriness of Too Much Happiness

Fall break. Tonight, the house is full of girls. Laughing, singing, running up and down the stairs, slamming doors, talking up a storm. My heart, happy with so much life, is also yearning for a chance to be quiet, after a long and busy day. I close my office door, dim the light, set the timer, and start to settle in the chair. Noticing breath. The heat also. To bear the hotness, or for a second, break the stillness, and remove my sweater? I opt for comfort. Source of unpleasantness is unzipped, and dropped on the floor, quick. Breath, breath. Tingling in left foot. Soon turns into intense heat. That, I can bear. Probably another weird body manifestation from sitting. Breathing. Deep breathing encountering pants' waistline. Frustration. I fancy breath, flowing freely, and looser pants. What to do? To stick it out, or ever so slightly, readjust my position, so that pants don't cut into belly? I go for ease, again, rationalizing that I am doing so mindfully, so, it's ok. Happier breath. More girls coming at the door, welcomed by excited cheers. Wishing for more quiet. Unsettled feeling. Thought that I should just quit. No, this is what moment brings. I am to embrace whatever comes. Tonight, it's a bunch of very happy girls, and a warm house, and a stomach too full from our celebratory dinner.

Practice is not about waiting for the perfect conditions to sit. It is about cultivating mindfulness, and concentration, in the midst of life's moments, regardless. This being said, I do believe in the value of quiet sittings . . .

No comments:

Post a Comment