Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Drama Queen in Waiting

Lots of boredom moments today, captured as I was walking around the house, also during swim practice, and just now, while sitting. I had never given much thought to boredom, until I got into meditation.

Boredom is a dangerous state. So pernicious. Not juicy enough like anger, or greed, or lust, to hold my attention and keep me engaged for long. Boredom is, well, blah, and that says it all doesn't it? Stored in my brain, are some useful Buddhist teachings, to direct me in the right direction. I am to pay more attention to the moment, that's what I was told. There is the obvious breath, to be sure, and the noises outside. I try. I am almost grateful for the dogs barking at the construction men next door. How desperate is that? Judging. Breath, followed by a few more. I am doing well. Pride. Then boredom again, even stronger this time, and spelling doubt in my mind about the worthiness of sitting. Wishes for the bell soon. Boredom. I don't like it. Judging. Back to the breath. The bell's still not ringing. I blank out into another world, filled with excitement. Make it back, I don't know how, to the reality of me sitting. Feeling guilty for having been gone so long. Self-loathing. Big sigh. Boredom. Oh! no . . . I really don't like this.

I'm a drama queen in waiting. Half of the time, I am bored, waiting, hoping for some excitement. And when that fails to materialize, my brain is always there, ready to kick in high gear, and fire some thoughts, making up some drama, to take me out.

To realize that boredom does not come from the object of our attention but rather from the quality of our attention is truly a transforming insight - Joseph Goldstein (from Thank You, Boredom)

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